I've been bumped twice this afternoon, after writing long posts to you. So exasperating.<P>3rd time's the charm.<P>I'm really pushing for the involvement with your mil, and maybe it's because I'm old enough to be somebody's mother in law, maybe it's because my own mother in law is so great. Before I respond to your last post, more thoughts about this woman.<P>1. Her son survived to adulthood. She didn't kill him or maim him or poison him. So she loves him. He didn't end up in prison, he was smart enough to marry you, so she did a good job on him. She qualifies as a good mother. Her experience and wisdom and opinions and advice are worth listening to and considering if for that reason alone. Like Pam O said, you don't need to do what she says, just listen. If you get a sentence, a thought or an idea that you can use, consider it a gold nugget from a stream. Or a diamond from a coal mine. <P>That doesn't mean I disparage the 99% that you can't use. It means that it may not be useful, OR that you aren't ready to use it at the time you hear it.<P>2. She accepted an unplanned pregnancy and offered your little family a roof over their heads. Maybe the apron strings are still tied a little too tight, but having a grown son and daughter in law and baby under one's roof is a very generous thing to do. It's also stressful. I wouldn't want to do it, not for more than a holiday weekend. So there's goodness there. She deserves gratitude. Tell her you appreciate her, that you are grateful. She may feel burnt out, tapped out and unappreciated. And I know that you do appreciate her kindness.<P>3. She loves her grandson/your baby. That's clear as water! It's in her interest that her flesh and blood is healthy, content, and good. She is therefore your ally. She won't do anything to jeopardize him. <P>4. She helps give you a break. Your methods aren't the same; so what? I would love to have my son's grandparents closer so he could get more hugs and lapsits. (He just came in to sit on my lap for a minute and complain about the homework.) <P>Tell your in-laws how lucky your son is to have their affection, time, and attention. Like I said before, they may feel tapped-out and unappreciated. And again, I know you DO appreciate them. <P><BR>My sainted mother wasn't there for me either, and I turned to my mil. Your mother maybe just didn't have what it took to parent. Maybe her parents abandoned or neglected her. (Which is what happened to my mother.)<P><BR>I think I understand what you're saying about needing for your H to get out from under his parents' roof in order to become a man. But meanwhile, since you're working on yourself and in Plan A, see what the in-laws can teach you. They're still together, they must know something about being married! (More than my parents could do.) <P>I don't mean confide your problems to them or complain; just watch and listen. (They are already privy to more than you want them to know about your marriage.) But look for what they do right, see what works. Try it yourself.<P>The lactation consulting thing: Not all nurses are competent at their jobs. Someone who knew what they were doing could have taught you. <P>In primitive cultures, women nurse their babies under the watchful eyes of older sisters, mothers, aunts, who offer advice and suggestions about what works/what doesn't. We don't have that advantage here. Little girls watch their elders nursing babies, and they learn. They absorb the little tricks, we hide our breasts and nurse behind closed doors. <P>I keep editing because I post, afraid I'll be cut off. Gotta go. My little guy is restless!<P><BR>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited December 13, 2000).]<P>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited December 13, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited December 13, 2000).]