At my Mary Kay Seminar in Dallas, I heard an amazing speaker named Rena Tarbet. She didn't just talk about the business, she talked about life, people, relationships, etc. She said something that really spoke to me that is kind of like Allison's post.<P>She said that our mothers taught us wrong: not intentionally, but because their mothers taught them wrong, and their Victorian mothers taught them wrong. They always taught us to put our kids first, our husbands second, and ourselves last. <P>You need to put yourself first - and not in a self-righteous way, but if you don't have love for yourself, you can't expect others to have love for you. Then, you need to put your husband before your kids. You see, our goal is for those little darlins to grow up and leave home - you still want to have your husband. There are lots of men who are married to wonderful mommies, but not-so-wonderful wives. You need to have at least one night a week with just your husband.<P>A study recently came out that the average couple spends 10 minutes a day in true communication - now, that doesn't mean "Did you take the trash out," "Did you drop Junior off at his ball game" - it's talking about sharing feelings. It's no wonder why we have so many extramarital affairs - I don't agree with it, but I can explain it. You fall in love with the people that you spend time with - you <I>stay</I> in love with the people you spend time with. That's why you see so many co-workers with something going on - you need to make time for your spouse!<P>Most of the time, divorce can be prevented. But if you let the little things get to you, it's like a cut that you don't treat - soon, it gets infected, and then gangreen sets in, and later, you have to amputate the foot, or even the leg - because you didn't address the issue when it was minor.<P>That's the gist of what she said, but it totally made sense. She also brought up not dwelling on the past - no matter what, we can't change it. We're only hurting ourselves if we choose to relive it over and over. Bad things happen to everybody - nobody has a "corner on the market." The best thing that you can do is get over it - don't relive, and relive.<P>There was an elderly woman whom we met, and in her youth, she had been kidnapped, raped, mutilated, blinded, and left for dead. She survived, and lived to tell about it. Somebody in the group said, "you must hold so much resentment for the man who did this to you." The old woman replied, "no, I don't. He had one night of my life - he'll never have another minute."<P>That really made me think - life is not meant to be a bed of roses. Sure, you don't get to choose your cards...but you always get to play the hand that you're dealt. I am guilty of most everything Rena talked about in her speech, and I'll tell you - since I've stopped dwelling on the past and made my H more of a part in my life, my marriage has gotten a lot better. I used to believe that there was only supposed to be one "perfect" person for everybody, and once you found that person, the two of you were supposed to be in this protective bubble. There is a bubble, but you have to create it for yourselves. A movie that gives a great example of this is Forces of Nature.<P>Okay, I'll stop rambling now <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Carolina Belle (edited December 19, 2000).]

allison said,<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He felt like he met his wifes needs...and he must have done a pretty fair job seeing that she still loves him<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I find this quote VERY scary, not to mention a very rash and often completely untrue assumption. My H certainly did not meet my needs very well, yet I did not stop loving him. If you, as a BS, actually believes that when the BS still loves the WS, it means that he had been meeting her needs, how many WS's out there might be assuming that just because the BS spouse still loves them, they can assume that they were a d*** near perfect spouse - and therefore, of course, it must be all the fault of the BS?<P>What I see in the onion story is a man who cared nothing about the wishes of his children or wife. If this story is not merely an allegory, his "unmet need" is the feeblest excuse I have ever heard - worse than Chris' wife's "you never bought Pepsi." (or was it Coke?) I like mushrooms (referred to as fungus by the rest of my family) and green peppers, but I didn't ruin their meals by putting them in their food. It is a lot easier to add things to food than to take them out.

I have to go with Nellie on the "meeting needs" business. I love my husband with all my heart and soul. However, he is CERTAINLY not meeting my needs at the moment... and as I mentioned before, hadn't done too great a job at meeting a lot of them before that. So I don't think that the wife still loving the husband even after he left her over onions is in the least bit indicative as to how well he met HER needs in the marriage.<P>As for putting the husband first - I believe Dr. Harley says this very clearly: Your spouse must be most important - if your marriage is healthy and stable, your kids will be healthy and stable. But I don't have kids. What happened to me is my emotional stress at work and depression. My husband wasn't first - NOBODY was first - I couldn't do anything for anyone, not even myself (depression does that to you).<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>