Shattered1,<P>My heart breaks for you. I read your profile and tears welled up in my eyes. I see so many similarities in us. My wife was with an older man (my W was 39 at the start). We have four kids. I'm an engineer. OM is married too. I went through many of the same things you have. I am a Christian too. Oh God, it is just so awful. I know how devasting this all is. I remember crumpling into that heap and weeping like you. HOLD ON!!!<P>I want you to get a book called "Raising Lambs Among Wolves" by Mark Bubeck. In it you will find spiritual warfare prayers to combat the things you are going through. Prayers on breaking the bond between your wife and the OM. Prayers on protecting your kids. Prayers on getting your self right with God. <P>I try to help out all the guys here that are in the same boat as me. Unfortunately, there are so many people here hurting and I miss many of those who post. So keep asking if you don't get a response. I will start looking for your posts.<P>I will pray for your too. <P>God be with you my friend as you travel through this dark valley. I will certainly be there for you too.<P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. <BR>

SHA - <P>I'm an engineer too. (I don't know whether you read that in one of my posts or just stated that as a fact for yourself). I think affairs are more difficult for left brain individuals because we are always searching for understanding. There is never any understanding of affairs. Also, I continue to try to apply logic to a situation where only emotion rules. It does not work and I continue to become more frustrated.<P>I tried to read your profile to get your story, but there was only one line there. I take it that you and your wife have emerged from this hell intact (albeit with a lot of work still to be done). How did your hang on SHA? Can you share with me your story briefly? When was discovery, did W move out, how close to divorce did it get, how long did it last, what were the signs of the affair relationship destabilizing, how did you approach reconciliation, etc.? At this point, I'm so desparate for ANY sign that points up that I even grasp at straws.<P>Yes, I'm a Christian but I'm ashamed to say that it took this tragedy for me to become one. I was raised Catholic, but for the past 20 years or so was never that devout. I went to church maybe 2 or 3 times per year that type of thing.<P>When this whole thing started, I wanted to kill myself I was that distraught. My sister-in-law and her H (my W's brother) showed me the way to Christ. I thank God for the two of them, they have been a real pillar of support. I have come to realize that only God's will will succeed. I have given this completely over to him (although it on my mind about 99% of my waking hours) because I know that my will is not what is going to succeed.<P>Knowing Christ is with me always, especially during the tough times is extremely comforting. There have been two or three instances throughout this trauma where God has helped me DIRECTLY...I mean that sincerely. I actually felt His strength in me. It's a wonderful feeling.<P>I pray constantly that God desires to work a miracle in my marriage. My W truly believes that God placed OM into her life, that he is her true "soulmate". She is so far removed from Christ in her heart (not His) right now. That really scares me. Now that I've found the one and only true spiritual path, I want to show it to and walk it with my W. Only when God causes satan to release his claws on my W can this happen. The OM is a rich foreigner (married with 4 kids - they are in Germany) and I've heard that he is arrogant and tries to impress people with his $$.<P>I pray to God that He allow me to catch her WHEN she falls, comfort her and hold her when she goes through the inevitable pain of withdrawal to show her the depths of my love for her. I want to show her the way to and walk with her into the Kingdom of Christ.<P>I have such an opportunity here, to not only show my wife my unconditional love, but to bring her into the Christian fold. I only hope God allows me the opportunity. I'm fighting the clock now because she filed for divorce two weeks ago. Here in MN, divorces are far too easy to obtain (no-fault state). I may never get my wish, but I will not give up hope!!!

SHA- I too would like to know a little more about your case. Did you confront the OM or your wife about OM like before plan B ? Is that why she stopped seeing him or did it die naturally? My wife is not angry at me at all. If anything she is indifferent right now, no emotion towards me at all. K says the betrayer wife can only love one man at a time and shows nothing towards husband. Great.... You and K have given a variation of advice about sending cards/letters. I will probably try something in between. I have new pain read my new post.

izzy & Shattered1, <P>I have to run for the day - I'm sorry. If it will help you guys, I will spill my guts tomorrow and answer all your questions.<P>Hang in there guys - one day at a time.<P>SHA

Shattered1 & izzy, <P>I'm back and I will do my best to answer all your questions. Please keep in mind that I am by no means "there" yet. Things are better in my marriage than they were 9 months ago, but they aren't to the point where I can say I'm happy. I guess I could say I'm happy the pain isn't so severe anymore. Well, let me get to your questions.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I take it that you and your wife have emerged from this hell intact (albeit with a lot of work still to be done). How did your hang on SHA?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I suppose we have emerged from hell intact, but we are both very different people now. A part of my marriage has been lost forever; I still grieve over that. I'm still struggling over how to relate to my wife too. We can now talk for hours about things. We have fun together again. But there is this "thing" between us now. I hope time will kill that "thing" because it is a major stumbling block in obtaining intimacy. How did I hang on? - The Lord. My faith has been tested and still is. I have never felt so alone in my life. The daily trials are tough. I would often drive home asking God to give me the right words to say the right actions to do. I have learned so much about myself through this. I've read as many books as I could get my hands on concerning marriage, infidelity, relationships, prayer and others. I journalize my thoughts as often as I can - that helps a lot. I finally found this site after 6 months of living through this mess. The folks here have helped me more than I could ever hope to repay them.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Can you share with me your story briefly? When was discovery, did W move out, how close to divorce did it get, how long did it last, what were the signs of the affair relationship destabilizing, how did you approach reconciliation, etc.? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>This may take up a lot of space to answer but I'll do my best. My wife and I drifted a part. When I say drift I mean just that. It was so subtle that by the time you recognize what is going on it's too late. I felt something was wrong last November. She seemed more distant than usual. In December I asked her how I was doing as a husband. Whamo - I should have asked that a lot sooner. My wife said things to me I never in a million years thought I would hear her say. "I don't love you any more". "We were never lovers - ever!" "I could never find you physically attractive again - ever!" "I want out!" I want my freedom!" "If we didn't have kids, I would have left a long time ago." And on and on. I became numb after the first few statements. A few days later, I had to leave the house and drove around for perhaps 2 hours weeping. I came home and went straight to the bathroom and wept some more. My wife followed me in and just sat there looking at me. I wanted her to hug me and say I'm sorry but she sat there shaking her head in pity of me. At that point, I knew this was all real and it wasn't going away. <P>The next month or so I did everything wrong. I became a model husband which angered her and pushed us farther a part. I was lost. I no longer knew what to do or how to even communicate with her. In February, my worst fear was realized when I found she was involved with another man. I found hundreds of emails between them. The things they said to one another completely devastated me. From every thing I read, I had two choices 1) let her go or 2) try and win her back. I felt number 2 was the right thing to do but by far the hardest thing to do. I didn't confront her at that time because I felt she would have left for sure. I worked at trying to be a friend again. I tried talking with her more and more. She fought rejected everything I did. She said "Why do you keep doing all this? You're trying to court someone who doesn't want to be courted." "Why are you making this so hard on me!". That statement told me that maybe I was at least causing some conflict in her mind. I kept at it. I asked her on dates. We started to get to know one another again. I continued to die a little each day, because I knew she was still seeing the OM. After months of rejecting my trying to touch her, she started to not mind. So, I pour it on a little more. I gave her foot rubs, back rubs, hair rubs. We seemed to becoming friends again. At the same time, her affair was approaching it's zenith. I finally couldn't take it anymore and confronted her about the OM in July. She didn't deny anything and she said she was sorry for what happened. We talked about our future together. She promised to not let it get out of hand again. But still wanted some space from me. <P>Things started to improve after that. After nearly a year's draught, she wanted physical intimacy with me again . It was awkward at first. But it is becoming less difficult now. The frequency is no where near what I would like, but hopefully in time. She still doesn't have that "feeling" for me again. She doesn't show hardly any affection. My needs are still on the shelf so to speak so we still have a ways to go. Also, I believe there is still this emotional bond between her and the OM. That seems to be the most difficult thing to break. She seems unwilling to let go of him and let me back into her life fully. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Yes, I'm a Christian but I'm ashamed to say that it took this tragedy for me to become one.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Sometimes it takes tragedy to open our heart to Christ. I guess this makes you my brother in Christ.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>because I know that my will is not what is going to succeed.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Don't give up on hope. We need to find out what is God's will.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I pray constantly that God desires to work a miracle in my marriage.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Amen.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> My W truly believes that God placed OM into her life, that he is her true "soulmate".<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Not possible. "For whom God has joined together, let no one break a part." It is NOT God who brought the OM into her life - far from it. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I pray to God that He allow me to catch her WHEN she falls, comfort her and hold her when she goes through the inevitable pain of withdrawal to show her the depths of my love for her. I want to show her the way to and walk with her into the Kingdom of Christ.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>AMEN!!! You are so much farther along than I was at this point. I hope you are praying for the OM's wife too. I'm sure that lady and her kids are/or will be completely devastated as well.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Did you confront the OM<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>No. I'm thinking about imforming his wife though, because I don't think she knows. I haven't decided. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Is that why she stopped seeing him or did it die naturally?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>She stopped after I confronted, but now she has to see him a few times a week through school. I think that it does need to die totally for her to open her heart fully to me again. I hope that it happens soon.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My wife is not angry at me at all. If anything, she is indifferent right now, no emotion towards me at all. K says the betrayer wife can only love one man at a time and shows nothing towards husband. Great.... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I think it's a good sign that your wife isn't angry. If you are doing Plan A and she isn't angry then that's a small hurdle. Indifference is natural. I agree with K about a woman harboring affection for only one man at a time. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>You and K have given a variation of advice about sending cards/letters. I will probably try something in between.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Do what's best for you. One thing I decided was that I wasn't going to live with any regrets. I was going to make sure my wife knew my feelings for her. I wasn't very good at this in the past, but I am now. <P>Guys, I'm sorry for this being so lengthy. Believe it or not, I did keep it brief. I could have written so much more. I hope I answered your questions. Keep hoping, keep trying, and never give up as long as you have love for her. <P>Your MB friend, <P>SHA

SHA - <P>Wow! What a story of your own. This has been going on for almost a full year. Does the pain slowly ebb? I felt my wife pushing away from me emotionally and physically in late May. I assume that is when she first met OM. That only make 4 months...it's been 3 months since she left.<P>After reading your story and from the accounts of many other success stories, it seems that the onus for the recovery is on the betrayed. My take then, is even if my W decides to come back, that will only be the beginning of a different phase of hell for us. She will probably experience the pain of withdrawal, while I'll have to endure likely rejection, resentment, lack of intimacy, and, worst of all, her agonizing over the loss of another man. Wow, I can't wait!<P>However, I'm sure that the end reward (a stronger marriage) will make it all wothwhile. I pray that she "wakes up" from this fantasy before it's too late. The finalization of a divorce, to me, will be the straw that broke the camel's back. I don't think I could look back after that.<P>By the way, how do you extract and display those neat quotes the way you do?

SHA - thank you for sharing your story with us and I wanted you to know that I just cried when I read some of it. I too have been going through the same thing for a year and my H is currently out of the house. Something struck a cord with me when you wrote "yes I'm a Christian but I am ashamed to say that it took this tragedy for me to become one". My H and I too are Christians although we had turned our backs on God and Christianity for about the last five years and I have to say it is only in the last 3-4 months that I have really gotten in touch with God again. I too realise it took this to show me I needed God in my life. I just wish my H would get back in touch with his faith too. I pray each day that God will work in my H's life and show him the path to take. I feel better knowing that other people too go through this for longer than a few months, I sometimes feel I am the only one on here who is still dealing with the same stuff a whole year later. I pray things will get better for you and please keep my children and I in your prayers.<BR>

Hey Shattered1,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Does the pain slowly ebb?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Yeah, I think so. Sometimes it's hard to tell if things are getting better or you're just getting used to the pain. You learn to grow stronger each day.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>After reading your story and from the accounts of many other success stories, it seems that the onus for the recovery is on the betrayed.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>At recovery I would have to agree. Getting to recovery is another thing. Sometimes the betrayed can pull the betrayer back into the marriage, other times the betrayer comes back first. A common link is the betrayer needs to make a decision to give the marriage another chance.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>She will probably experience the pain of withdrawal, while I'll have to endure likely rejection, resentment, lack of intimacy, and, worst of all, her agonizing over the loss of another man. Wow, I can't wait!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>It isn't pretty that's for sure, but the fruits of a better marriage are there for the taking and that's the hope I cling to.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>By the way, how do you extract and display those neat quotes the way you do?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>The best way to explain it is for you to try and edit my post. Click on the edit icon and view whatI did. <P>Hang in there buddy!<P>SHA