I think you're getting it! One thing about the EN questionnaire--the first time we took it, we answered as if it were during the A. H rated me highly, or at least above average, in every area, while I rated him fairly low in several areas. It looked like I should have been the one to have the A.<P>I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes other factors may contribute even more to the WS's vulnerability than unmet needs. My H had just turned 40, which my counselor thinks probably had more to do with it than we realize.<P>I'm glad your wife has been able to maintain a positive outlook, but I feel she is certain to have many, many down times. You will have to work out together how to best help her work through these times. Some want extra TLC, some just want to be left alone for awhile. She'll need to let you know what she needs.<P>At 7 months now, I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. While at times it will not seem like it, there is hope for you. I just wish we could have the relationship that we have today without having to go through all the **** to get there. Good luck! <P>------------------<BR>"Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:7

You didn't reply to my first comment, but I'm still here...<P>You certainly sound a lot more positive about your W than my h did when he was ending the A!<P>While I agree with much of Harley's need assessments, I also believe that an affair has a lot more to do with how you as a WS feel about yourself. In that sense an affair is very much like other addictions, you feel *bad* and turn to something to feel better. It could have been drugs or alcohol, but instead it was the addictive feelings one gets in affairs.<P>Not trying to oversimplify, and I commend you for the change I sense in your posts from a few days ago.<P>Our marriage was in trouble, more than I knew. We are happy with each other today, and it has taken meeting needs, spending lots of time, but also a lot of individual change. I think the beauty of Harley's method is that it gets the engines started.

Schizzo,<P>Sometimes I can't respond because I don't have a response, which in itself can be judged (or not) on its own merits. I appreciate your checking back. I hope that some of my later comments spoke to some of yours.<P>Right now the withdrawal is tough. Unfortunately, I work for myself, by myself, in a home-based office, so I am not around people. I sort of wish I were, because they can be distracting, and distraction would do me some good right now! I took a walk around the block with my dog a minute ago..that helped some. <P>Ivory<BR>

I don't know if you have told your wife yet. Despite my own devastation, I did my best to help my h through his withdrawal. He sometimes cried while I held him.<P>We both found that the more we were together, the less desparate we each felt. We even had a trip scheduled (before he told me) that threw us together 24 hrs a day for a week. It was painful but good for us. It is tough to be alone on either side of this mess and you do need to distract yourself...

delete<p>[This message has been edited by Trying to move on (edited March 21, 2001).]

Trying to move on:<P>Actually, it is known to her H. We tried on our own to end it prior to this but failed, as you might have predicted. However, her H confronted her about his suspicions and she confirmed them. That was the catalyst for the current situation. <P>I first came to MB when this all got started, because even though I was a WS I couldn't help but be a little curious as to how and why such a thing happens. You could call me a fence-sitter if you wish, but I was reading and trying to learn some of the dynamics about an affair, even while in the midst of one. I doubt this makes sense to many, but that's how it was. <P>I also was curious as to what might have caused me to be unable to receive the love and affection of my wife, who is physically beautiful, kind, capable and everything else. I wondered if I might learn something about me. (Yes and no.)<P>The MB site has been helpful, even so. I know that because I have not yet told my wife about the A that there are many people either frustrated or angry about that, though I'm sure still well-meaning about it. I accept that that will happen. I do feel myself growing closer and closer to doing it. There are times when I seem to realize that all I can do is tell the truth about what currently is, awful as that is. I can't try and think of some way to soften the blow or phrase words in some cryptic way. (Yes, I hear the rest of you going "Amen!")<P>Recently I've been thinking about the issue of rejection. I'm not unique in this, but rejection crushes me. That probably sheds light on the issue of my self-esteem, which may in itself shed light on part of what was behind the A. When I tell my wife about the A, I basically am saying that right now I love OW more than her, but that that "love" is said not not be love at all, but addiction, etc. Still, it's a very real emotional bond, one which must be overcome. <P>I know that the overwhelming wisdom on this board is that I let W have the chance to see me through it. And if I had to guess how she'd respond to that, I'd guess that she would, knowing her character. Still, it is a form of rejection, and I regret that I have to add rejection to the list, right after unfaithfulness and lying.<P>Ivory