Davidb,<BR> Sorry to hear that you suffer from basically the same type of pain as I. Someone called it TMI and i guess I would have to agree with that statement. There are things I would like to know about the affair that I too can't get from tapes just as you can't from the stories and that is also an answer to the question why. When I say why I don't mean why the A happened but why they had to laugh and joke about me and the relationship that my partner and I had shared. I can honestly say that my partner was in this relationship for 11 1/2 years and I never knew that she found it such a joke. I have even told her to laugh in face now but that doesn't seem to be the way she operates. She prefers to do it behind my back where I have no opportunity to defend myself.<P>I am hoping to reach that 4 1/2 months mark but I am also hoping that it gets a lot easier than it is now. I hope you the continued luck and a successful resolve.<P>And yes the wound is deep and daily I learn just how deep it actually went. I lost my mother unexpectedly in December 1999 and I never thought anything could hurt more than that but I was too stupid to know that there was something out there that could and does hurt more than losing my mother. I wish that your wound will heal as rapidly as possible without to much sustained pain.<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

hurtinginNC<P>I am glad for you that you are the bio mom. At least if things don't work out, you will still be able to have your child with you. And of course, the child has an attachment to your partner. But my contact is with you, so I hope for the best situation for you. <P>I was thinking about you last night, and an optimistic thought occurred to me:<P>One important condition of rebuilding after an affair, is that the rule of no contact. It seems that there will be no contact between your partner and the OW. That is very good! It is hardest to come out of the fog of confusion and infatuation when the affair partner is still in the picture.<P>The other good thing is that some people here have survived affairs and rebuilt their relationship to where it is better than ever. Again, when the affair partner is out of the picture. [One exception: lostva, a very inspirational visitor here, did not insist on complete contact cut off, and yet the H did gradually cut the contact off on his own. She occasionally posts here, and is a success story.]<P>Tataa, off to pick our son up from school.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited January 18, 2001).]

Cleo,<BR> Read Plan A and am going o give it a try. The only thing I can definately say about all this is it sucks. I know I played a role in my partners looking elsewhere for her EN to be meet but it is kind of like a slap in the face to be hurt so bad and still have to be the one who sucks it up and puts on a happy face to make the person who destroyed you feel like they can get their EN meet at home. I was wondering when betraying person has to begin to take respoonsibility for their actions. SAA is a good book but all it has done so far is give partner the excuse that if you had been here for my EN iwould have never needed to find someone else, it is now a crutch for partner.<P>I am starting to read the post on Plan A/ Plan B to get advice on common reactions, commen set backs, and common advancements.<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC