here's a question that has been bugging me:<P>when the WS spouse says "I don't remember" to a question posed by a BS, is it that he/she can't really remember, or is it usually just a way of saying "I'm not going to tell you".<P>I find it hard to believe that a WS would have trouble remembering details of the A, especially since I would think that it would be quite a vivid memory for thw WS, either good or bad. Any feedback?<BR>

Hi, <P>The 'I don't know' syndrome. Convenient excuse. My H knows the answer but doesn't want to entrap himself. He also says this along with "I don't want to hurt you by my 'honest' response". <P>Let me see, keeping me in the dark and lying more is better than the truth and letting me see where things really stand so I can decide what I need to do?<P>I think WS's use this line because they don't want the BS to make decisions. My H does not want me to go on with my life. His actions (more than his words) show him trying to hold me in his fog. I am stuggling to get out of it (fighting tooth and nail) and this puts me at odds with him. Of course this is an opinion from a BS and I am sure there is another side to these statements. <P>The one I wanted to add is: "I can't look you in the eye when you are talking to me." My H has never been one to make eye contact. Never trained by his parents on this has made it difficult for him. He is rude in his behavior on this and fights it every time. On the other hand, this was a taught behavior in my family. When we have discussions and I wait for him to look at me before I speak (so that I know he is still focused on the same subject and doesn't let his mind wander - which he does), he gets upset. Then again he gets upset because he also allows his mind to wander and gets pulled off track. Sounds like a losing battle? Yes, it is. Why do I keep trying? Sometimes I have a difficult time finding the answer to that age old question. Because I love him? Ya. Silly isn't it?<P>L.<P><BR>

Ws's do have hard times with communicating and everything else while they are in the fog. What I have done is educated friends and family who are involved with info on why my H is lying to all of us. this is very helpful-everyone knows what I am saying when I say H is in La-la Land...kind of funny at times. H did the right question bit-you know he's wasn't lying if I asked the question a certain way and/or he answered it a certain way, i.e...OW was there but we did not go in the same car, I was bowling (for 16 hrs-what kind of league is this???), she's a friend (my favorite) I have moved on .... SAA explains how WS's have a hard time being in the same room as a BS. I believe a book needs to be written on what WS's go thru to help us and them. <P>Mon, Your situation has me concerned..are you using this reappeared man?? How is the realationship with OM justified with what your H is doing? You hit a nerve with me on this because you sound like my H's OW. She is using him to get back at her H I believe and this is destroying our marriage. Please be careful-you have too much going on right now to drag more baggage into the picture.... you are actually asking the cops to get involved and your are bringing in an innocent bystander...The book Private Lies goes into detail on this. As a bs there are alot of issues to deal with and a grieving process. You say this man is something wonderful that has come along..how can he be wonderful if he is getting involved with a married woman???? Do you not worry that he is attracted to damsels in distress? What happens when he saves you and life become mondane? Will there be another damsel in distress in his future? How long has your life been in turmoil because of this affair your H is having? Your H has no right to physically, emotional or mentally harm you however, an affair is considered emotional abuse-are you also inflicting this on your H?? Maybe I am opening a can of worms but I was concerned about your post...WHo knows I may be in the wrong just wanted to pass some thoughts on to you....

Hi grandpabri:<P><BR>"Complete Honesty-I don't think you have any way of checking the facts, so I can tell you anything I want."<P>Cute.<P>I also liked the next one. Thank you for the translation. It fits to a TEE.<P>"I'm sorry"-This statement is often misconstrued. It does not mean "I am sorry for my actions" or even "I am sorry that I hurt you," but really means "I don't understand why you are reacting the way you are. Can't you see that I am a special person and normal rules do not apply to me? You are feeling emotion X? Get over it."<P>How's the rest of your life? Any news about Lari and her health?<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Hi MEDIC238:<P><BR>"Oh, and BTW. "Trigger" was Roy Roger's horse. The Lone Ranger's was "Silver". I think Tontos's was "Sam" "<P>Tonto's horse was Scout, as in "Gettum up, Scout!" But Sam would have been cute.<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Bellevue - Thanks, you just completely ruined my theory that only men know useless old western movie trivia. But the next time I play trivia pursuit with my H - I'm going to log on here. It's been a regular buffet of information.<P>It's getting late and I know a lot of people had some questions. In a nutshell, did I give any "I don't know" answers, yes. Whenever my H asked me a direct question about the affair - and he only asked three - I gave him honest answers (really ). But sometimes he would ask stuff like "Why do you look so distant?" I don't know. What did I do to push you away, push you into having an a?" I don't know. For some questions, at least for me, I said I don't know - because I genuinely didn't know. It wasn't about protecting my H's feelings, thinking he couldn't take it. It wasn't that I had something to hide - my H knew everything - what more is there to hide? What could I possibly say that would be any worse than saying that I slept with another man, that I lied to you, that I cheated on you. I gave I don't know answers - because, really, sometimes, I didn't have the answer.<P>Also, during the affair - or right after I ended it. I went through my email and deleted everything related to the OM. It was a very cleasning experience - but during the affair, every day, I was obsessed. I would go in and read those messages, over, and over, and over again. During the affair, and even after, I could tell you where I was - down to the minute - I had my stories rehearsed so well.<P>But, now that it's been over for almost a year, if my H were to ask me something about the A - about where I was on a certain - honestly, I might just give an "I don't know answer." I think something really amazing happened to me, at least during recovery - as I became re-focused on my marriage and on my H - and began to pull away from the OM - well, I don't know how to explain, but I no longer romanticized the relationship - that we were soul mates - it's malarky!! As I said, it was an illusion of happiness, an illusion of love - not real love, not stick with you through thick and thin kind of love. As I began to rebuild my life - both maritally and spiritually - well, I only began to associate bad things with the A and with the OM. I no longer want to see the OM - or be involved with any other man - not just because I love my H, but because the OM only reminds me of how cruel I was, how bad my character was at one point. Do I wish it never would have happened? yes. Do I wish I could forget that it happened? yes, but I know I will never forget. And for me, at this point in recovery that's a good thing.<P>I experienced so much pain - feelings of remorse and guilt - that physically I felt ill, miserable all the time. Realizing how horrible I had been - well for a while I couldn't even stand to look at myself in the mirror.<P>I think there were some other questions, but my H just walked in from class and I promised I would get off the computer in five minutes.<P>Coming out of the fog - well, the BS can do Plan A - that helps, but really, the only way I "came out of the fog" (and that really means different things to different people) was when I started changing the way I thought and actually doing things for my H. I always waited for the feelings to come first and when they didn't, well, I got frustrated. When I felt like I loved my H but wasn't "in love with him" - I kept waiting for him to say or do something. If I had a magic wand - I would have wished for things to have been better.<P>But, in life, I really believe that there are times when you wait, and times when you have to do something, take action. It's like the serenity prayer. I don't think I can quote it at this late hour, but it goes something like God grant me the strength to change the things that I can, the courage tp accept the things that I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference. How did I really come out of the fog? In all honesty, the credit belongs to God. I just prayed and prayed. I was so tired, so confused. After I tried to end my life - and didn't succeed (duh!) - I just told the Lord that I was tired, that I was too weak to fight this battle and prayed for Him to fight this battle for me. Really, that one prayer made all the difference in my life - I was no longer relying on myself, or my will, or what I wanted. I turned it all over to God, and my life really changed. It's true - my faith is what brought me home. That, and my H's love and support.<P>Anyway gotta run, make some deposits in the love bank !!

I have a question....<P>My H says he has simply moved on with his life and that is what I need to do...is this a common excuse??

TRS -<P>As a recovering WS, I never said that I have "moved on." And I never told my H just to forget that the affair ever happened. I wanted us to face it, to deal with it, to get stronger not because of it, but in spite of it. <P>I have heard that other WS have said that they have "moved on" and cannot understand why the BS cannot. I don't think it's an excuse - they probably feel that way, now. But feelings change.

Trs - that's exactly what I hear from my wife, and she's convinced our son of the same thing - why don't I just move on? I don't think it's an excuse, it's a way for them to avoid facing themselves.<P>WAT