Hearpain,<P>Read a little closer. Discover2000 told me about mocking God's institution. However, it makes no difference now. Someone said earlier that maybe I was looking for justification for what I was trying to do. Anyway thanks for everything all of you have posted, even BonnieSept, I will take them and use them to better myself. <P>Lori (Lostva) I read your reply to my previous post and I kept up with your story last year. I appreciate your reply.<P>I'm not crying and running, I'm only trying to keep myself in a positive frame of mind so that a huge mistake doesn't happen and I regret not trying everything I could to make my marriage work. I have to do what I think is right for me.

<B>singagain -</B> You've got me!! Gotta give me credit for going thru those posts pretty quickly, though...From you <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have to do what I think is right for me<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>From me <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>You should do what you think is right, not what some of us tell you to do<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Looks like we are on the same page here.<P>I do understand your concern about making mistakes...It's easier to prevent a mistake than to try to patch it over when it is done.<P>--DeWayne--

singagain:<P>If it helps, I believe that the New Testament does not allow for divorce under any circumstance---including adultery. IMO the adultery clause was a "edited tack-on" by an author. It's not consistant with the message that Jesus was teaching.<P>You're not making a mockery of the institution of marriage---in fact, you should be commended for fighting for your marriage so hard. Hang in there, it does look like you're seeing progress!

K,<P>I found your statement about divorce being added on by the author, very interesting. I wish my H could debate that with you. He had strong views on divorce until he became a WS, now he has search the scriptures to justify his actions & to turn things where he could divorce me. Don't know where it says you can divorce your wife for being overweight & a very bad housekeeper. :roll eyes:<P>I attended a very conservative religious college, where daily Bible classes were required, one of the several classes I took more than once (they objected to my habit of sleeping in on those 7 am classes) was a class called Marriage & the Christian Home. One of the statements that the Professor made has stayed with me for over 20 yrs. That if you were completely free from causing your spouse to stray, you could think about divorce. I wasn't free from that guilt up till a point. <P>I wasn't the wife my H needed, did he let me know, and no he did not. Would I change yes, have I, in some ways, given the chance to really be his wife I would move mountains, I moved across the world. Now for the actions of my H in the last yr, I feel he has freed me, if I want or decide to divorce him. I can look God, my children, & even MIL in the face & say I did all or about all that I could.<P><p>[This message has been edited by sing (edited April 19, 2001).]

Singagain,<P>Think carefully on what you are doing. I have been standing for my marriage for 2 yrs. I am sorry to say that I am beginning to believe that in so steadfastly holding on to my marriage that I may have caused more harm to my OS than a divroce would have. I am not sure how much my OS knows what is going on now, I am not sure if I know. However as my H distance himself more & more from me, as I get sadder, my sons' behavior, grades, etc get worse.<P>The ironic thing my YS is doing the opposite. He is thriving here, he is back to the confident litle boy he was pre-A. Go figure.<P>You know you do what you have to do, what feels right for you & your children & not worry what anyone else thinks.<P>I feel sure that quite a few here would like to give me a big shake, & say stop whinning, do something instead of always moaning I'm stuck & can't do anything about it.<P>Also if someone comes down on you hard, maybe it is because your story reminds them of the pain that they have been through & they would like to keep you from it.<P>Just a few thoughts in the middle of the night (for me)

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by K:<BR><B>singagain:<P>If it helps, I believe that the New Testament does not allow for divorce under any circumstance---including adultery. IMO the adultery clause was a "edited tack-on" by an author. It's not consistant with the message that Jesus was teaching.<P>You're not making a mockery of the institution of marriage---in fact, you should be commended for fighting for your marriage so hard. Hang in there, it does look like you're seeing progress!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B>K</B>,<P>Not trying to start a fight or anything, but where did you get the idea that the adultery clause was an add on??<P>Just curious. <P>By the way, <B>singagain</B>, there are MANY women here who are STANDING for their marriages, even AFTER divorce. Have you ever read about Gavin McCloud, the captain of the "Love Boat" (in the 70's)? He was a cheater, he divorced his wife (Patty) and she began to "pray her H home" with a group of ladies. She had a Bible engraved for him (he was an unbeliever at the time) and put his slippers by the bed. I think it took three YEARS, but he came home. They host a show on the Trinity Broadcast Station.<P>It can be done.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

SA,<P>Thought of this website after reading NB's comments about standing for your marriage<BR> <A HREF="http://www.rejoiceministries.org/devotion.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.rejoiceministries.org/devotion.html</A> <P>Lately these thoughts have been all that has gotten me through another day of standing for my marriage.

Hi, <P>Me again. In the Bible, the only acceptable grounds for divorce is adultery both in the old and new testaments. God does not like any type of divorcing and stated this in the old testament (will get scripture when I get home). It is Malachi 2:14-16: "...'God has borne witness between you and the wife of your youth with whom you yourself have dealt treacherously, although she is your partner and the wife of your covenant. ....An you people must guard yourselves respecting your spirit, and with the wife of your youth may no one deal treacherously. For he has hated a divorcing' the God of Israel has said...."<P><BR>I will post more on this when I get home. I don't want to misdirect anyone. The reason why this is so important to me is that I personally do believe the scriptures and understand that I do have scriptural grounds for divorce. However, the scriptures also allow the injured spouse to forgive and not demand that the divorce be done. So God has again provided an avenue of forgiveness while sticking to his principles. Only humans with bad thoughts and intentions will try use the scriptures and twist it to fit their selfish ways. <P>Hm.... sounds like something that 'bad guy' who holds hands with the OPs and WSs does. Doesn't it?<P>Ok, I am back. Just a few points:<P>1. Matt 5:27 - 32 In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus discusses that "..everyone divorcing his wife, except on account of fornication .... commits adultery.<P>2. Matt 19:9- Jesus spoke to the Pharisees and said: ...whoever divorces his wife, except on the ground of fornication and marries another commits adultery."<P>3. Mark 10:11-12 Jesus speaking to his disciples: "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her, and if ever a woman, after divorcing her husband, marries another, she commits adultery."<P>From the scriptures, the act of unfaithfulness allows for divorce. That act is a sin against God and one's mate. Allowance for forgiveness is up to the mate that has been wronged and God. <P>I just wanted to clarify what the scriptures said. Thank you for allowing me to do so. <P>L.<p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited April 19, 2001).]

Singagain,<P>Please don't worry about what BonnieSept thinks. Maybe many of us here have forgotten that BonnieSept comes from the OW side of this issue, currently married to the formerly married man with whom she had an affair while SHE was married. I have nothing against her personally, but she has no idea what it is like to be in your position.<P>Yes, you probably were a bit over-sensitive, but trying to Plan A while the affair is continuing is extremely difficult when you live in the same house.<P>Folks, please remember - the last thing we should do here when someone is obviously upset, no matter how it looks to us, is to be critical. We are not walking in the shoes of the other person and it can hurt horribly to log on needing the support of others and to read critical posts, no matter how well-intended. Personally, while Heartpain's remark (underwear in a wad) is amusing, it seems to me that it is completely inappropriate as a response to a person who is so obviously upset.<P>singagain, if you love your husband and wish to follow Plan A, the only thing you need to remember is that Plan A's primary purpose is to make the marriage a safe place for your husband to be by eliminating love busters and attempting to meet the emotional needs he allows you to meet. If it becomes too difficult to do, Plan B is the next step. And the primary purpose of Plan B is twofold - to avoid emptying your love bank (maintaining your love for your husband) and to force the affair away from the fantasy into reality by ceasing to meet any of his emotional needs - forcing him to turn to the OW to have ALL of those needs met.<P>There are quite a few of us who never went to Plan B. Some of us have been reconciled with our spouses and others have not. There are also quite a few counselors who claim very high success rates with their specific 'formulas' - Some advocate a Plan B like approach from the get-go, like Dobson, some advocate a Plan A like approach throughout, as is described in "How to Get Your Lover Back" and then there is the Marriage Builders approach which pretty much combines the two. Three different ways of approaching the same situation...<P>Keep coming here and keep posting. Ignore people who are critical without being supportive if you can - I know it is difficult. Remember that some folks here may read an opinion and echo it without really understanding the entire situation.<P>I hope this helps.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

I agree with Lora and Terri - don't let any specific posts get to you. I can totally relate to where you're coming from. There are a couple of posters on this board who have been flat-out rude to me simply because I had the audacity to express a different point of view. Healthy debates (ie - New Beginning - can that lady get a thread going or what! ) are okay, but condescending is unnecessary. But for every one person like that, there are a good 20 - 30 on this board alone who are supportive, encouraging, and helpful. Those one or two cynics aren't worth giving up a wonderful support system like this. I hope that you will consider that and continue coming here for support.