Well ... I am posting here in the hopes that you all can help me stay on the straight and narrow. I am NOT asking to have the **** beat out of me for my honesty, so I hope that whoever does decide to answer can do so with compassion and understanding.<P>In a previous post or two I have talked about my attraction to a married coworker. I realize I am extremely vulnerable to any kind of attention that is paid me - lets face it, I've been celibate for the last 5 years at this point, several of them during the time my husband was still living with me.<P>Recently I posted regarding the realization that "being honest" about one's feelings in this situation is a BAD thing to do... Many of you wrote in agreement. I have come to another realization... hormones. Yeah, maybe this is too much information, but there aren't many people in my REAL life who can even partially understand what I'm dealing with or talking about here. So you get to listen to this stuff! <P>People are quite willing to believe in PMS... the lowest of lows in a woman's hormone cycle. But do you all know about the peak of peaks in that same cycle? The time period around ovulation? When a woman's body releases hormones DESIGNED to provide the best environment for conception? Well, I've discovered that one of those environmental things is an increased sex drive.<P>Which gives me a meter of sorts to know when I am even more vulnerable to making horrible choices...<P>Recently I was asked about my involvement with this guy. "You two would make a great couple." Oh boy! Of course we would - except for the fact that we are both married to other people! And then I discover that there are people out there who ALREADY think something is going on.<P>Last week, something was said in the office about the two of us getting along so well... He made the comment that "gee, next thing you know they'll all be thinking that you and I are having an affair!" I laughed, he laughed, the other people we work with laughed.<P>But is it funny? No. It's not. And, a friend of mine pointed out that if other people are talking, then I or we are giving off "vibes" of some sort that people are seeing. That same friend was rather blunt in pointing out also that his "joking" around about us having an affair could very well be him "testing the waters" to see how I would react.<P>For 3 weeks out of the month, I know I would say "I love my husband and you love your wife. NO NO NO" But, during that other week, I don't know if my brain works well enough to come up with the right answers.<P>I love my job. It's been so long since I've enjoyed life as much as I have been since I changed jobs. And, the nature of both of our jobs puts us in each other's company a great deal. So ... I think I need a plan. A plan to keep things just the way they should be... Working well together, being friends and never more than that.<P>It is quite horrible to know that my hormones can drive me so completely. For so much of my life in the past I was at the mercy of my serotonin levels and never knew it... and that HELPED destroy my marriage.<P>I don't like being at the mercy of my body chemistry ...<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

To be honest, I was told when I had my affair that it was the "prime time" because my body was crying out for that one last baby -- I was turning 40. No, not a good excuse, but I could not believe how, um, *needy* I became (quite suddenly it seemed).<P>I believe what you're saying and can point to several pages throughout my journals while I was trying to save my marriage to David... one day it was "I love this man" and the next week it was, "He's an [censored]"... and then one day I began to map it all out... um... well.. every 28 days or so, no matter where you began...<P>What you're saying is very true.<P>...and of course, be careful. Had to put that in there!

NB, that's interesting ... I'm 41, will be 42 in the summer. Have NO children and am definitely resentful of the fact that the choice to do so was taken away from me by my husband and the slug.<P>Ah ... careful ... well, I'd like to be able to say there's not a thing to worry about. But I'm not that foolish as to believe that.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Terri, is there any possibility you can change jobs or request a transfer?<P>I was once in your shoes; tremendous mutual attraction to/with a co-worker at a time when my marriage was at a low ebb. And yes, others noticed it as well, and our boss even commented on it once.<P>I knew I was very vulnerable if things stepped over the line, so I began a job hunt and started a new job a little over a month later.<P>Yes, I missed this person's "friendship" for about a month, but I got over it.

It's not possible to stay in the same organization and get a different job. I only just started this particular job in September and the administration was forced to give it to me after I won a binding arbitration. They would likely tell me to hit the road if I were to even hint about another position at this point.<P>And I love my job. As I said in my earlier post, I am happier now than I've been in years. I would love my job whether this guy was there or not, so please don't think that is why I am not going to look elsewhere for work. This area has limited employment opportunities, and while I don't make much here, I have fabulous benefits that I need, considering that it costs me only $4.00 per month for two prescriptions that retail for at least $75 per month each. And in order to stay in the field I am in, I need to get another year and a half of solid experience behind me, as most other employers are looking for about 2 years experience in the Tech Support or Web Design fields. <P>I am not unhappy in any way, I just want to make sure I don't do something stupid.<P>Seems like my best course of action will be simply to stay busy and stay away from him when I know I am vulnerable to my hormones, I guess... That should be too difficult. I do still love my husband very much, and I don't want to betray my vows any more than I have already in the past. And I certainly don't want to be even a small factor in someone else's marital difficulties!<P><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Terri -- You know what you need to do (or not do!) Perhaps your husband's recent move has put you in an emotional funk. You have been through quite a bit and have been strong for so long. Put all that energy into the job!! Take care.

Oops ... I HATE when I make typos... I wrote: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Seems like my best course of action will be simply to stay busy and stay away from him when I know I am vulnerable to my hormones, I guess... <I>That should be too difficult.</I><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>The part in italics should have been <I>That should NOT be too difficult.</I><P>Wouldn't want you all to think I've completely lost it!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Sounds like you better run, not walk, away from your job to me!By remaining there you are only asking for trouble.When my WH was in this situation I sure wish he would have sat me down and talked to me about his feelings. It would have saved us both enormous pain.

Gee, Maezy, perhaps you have a job where I can have 11 years seniority, fully paid medical benefits, more vacation leave than I can fit into my life? Maybe I'm being stubborn about this, but I am NOT going to allow this to destroy what I have. Read some of my history - I am dedicated to preventing infidelity and that includes in my own life. I am recognizing my vulnerability, but if I have a support network that will help me keep myself in control, I simply WILL NOT do something that has been done to me.<P>Leaving my job is NOT an option, folks. There is nowhere for me to get what I already have here. Kick me in the butt if you think I need it, but I cannot leave this job. I have to take action within the parameters that exist: Cannot get new job.<P>Sorry if I sound snotty - I am just frustrated with a lot of things right now and I'm TIRED.<P>I will be ok. And I won't help anyone else break their marriage vows... <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Just wanted to post a follow up to my tired and frustrated response to Maezy last night.<P>Apologies for being snotty. I know you have not been participating on MB for too long, and you are not familiar with my history here. I have been posting here since October 15, 1998. 4 weeks before that I had gotten a message on my answering machine after nearly having a physical confrontation in a bar with a woman who was staring at me with unimaginable hatred. The message was from that woman, telling me that she "had my husband" whenever she wanted in HER home ... That same night, he told me he was leaving me. I fell apart. I begged, cried, pleaded. He stayed for two more months with no intention of ever attempting reconciliation... during those two months I Plan A'd my behind off. Two weeks after he moved out, we vacationed together for two weeks. If he hadn't been in constant contact with the slug (my pet name for the OW), I think that vacation would have turned the tide. But it was not to be. We had constant contact after we returned, I continued my Plan A even though the slug was with him all the time. She harassed me via a pay phone outside the place she worked... I didn't say a word, knowing that it wouldn't make any difference and I had no proof, anyway. For two and a half years I Plan A'd with varying degrees of success. But he is convinced that the marriage is over.<P>I am not convinced. I still believe that our marriage can be restored. I KNOW that I have made the changes I need to make in myself to be a good wife to him. But, at this point, he has moved to Florida with the slug and I am here alone. And lonely. I will not deny that I do long for love and contact with a man. I really want that man to be the man I promised to love for the rest of my life... I also will not deny that I am human, and as such I am subject to the same failings and weaknesses as other humans... but I can approach those failings and weaknesses with honesty and knowledge that so many of us never learned in school... except maybe the school of hard knocks.<P>I have supported so many people here - I don't remember all the names of those who have been through here... And sometimes the only way to offer support is to just remind each other that we don't want to become the same as the people who have caused us so much pain in our lives.<P>I guess that is all I'm asking for. I know that to act on this attraction is the antithesis of all that I believe in and stand for here on the forums. I also know that I am subject to the same urges and longings as other human beings... I am being a realist in that respect. But I have to deal with this situation with the limitations I have. Acting on the attraction would be the most incredibly selfish thing that I could ever do. And I don't want ever to be that selfish...<P>This will be an exercise in self control, not an exercise in futility, believe me. I just need a little support to keep my mind in the right place... and my body right there with my mind!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Thanks for your update. I didn't know your history. Because you realize the pain infidelity can bring to a marriage you are more educated about getting involved with a married man. If you are committed to fidelity your boss should know this and not get any mixed messages from you.<BR>Do you socialize other than at work? I think I might be tempted to try to socialize with friends more to keep my mind off these issues.I can see already how we are all vulnerable to affairs ourselves when we are hurt and lonely like this. I have thought of calling up my H male friends to talk to them about him but I realize that I would be asking for trouble. I've decided to talk only with women about this and the MB people, of course. It is a lonely place out here! God Bless!

Well, he is not my boss, thankfully, but we are a small department and our jobs often require that the two of us work together closely.<P>As for socializing with others, I do, occasionally when I have some free time. Women only or couples who are not uncomfortable having a third party along (that's often difficult to find).<P>I feel quite strong about the entire thing ... today, at any rate. I promise I will ask someone to tie me up and put me in a closet if I think I'm slipping.<P>I'm only partly joking about that!<P><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

You won't do anthing that is wrong...I think we all know that.<P>But I can imagine, after the time you have had,how great it must feel to be desired! You have taken care of YOU for so long...(not to mention your H) that you want someone to care for YOU. And they will, you know it and Hopefully, it will be your H!!<P>I think you are wonderful for being so honest..really, who hasn't had those feelings? You are getting it out of your system,here,in an appropriate manner,asking for help.

Thanks for the vote of confidence! I needed that <P>You're right - being desired is very intoxicating. I just have to remember that wanting is often FAR more fun than HAVING... per my own advice to someone thinking about having an affair.<P> I can do this the right way! <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Terri-<P>I mean this as nicely as possible...................ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (clearing my throat a few times)...........can you get a substitue for a man?<P>Of course it isn't nearly the same thing but................<P>Enough said (blushing all over).<P>hang in there-nothinbg lasts forever (darn)<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

LOL! It isn't that... though it DOES help...<P>Truly I think it is more the entire being wanted and held and all of that. Unfortunately, they haven't made a sex toy that can do that for you yet.<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Oh my-now I am really blushing.<P>I tried-LOL<P>maybe we can make some $$$$$$$$$$ inventing a nice quiet yet super attentive sex toy-that can wine and dine without commiting a crime.<P>Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...........I am off to do some very ehavy thinking-LOL<P>Your hair color preference would be ????????<P><BR>hahahahahahaha-sorry-I was really serious when I first posted.<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

Hi Terry,<P>I definitely disagree with you about the job thing. My wife loved me 100%. She was in a tempting situation also. She knew it. She knew this gentleman had sex on his mind. I warned her about this many times. But she assured me that 100% she loved me. She assured me that she would never be with another man. She said she is maaried now so this just is not a possibility and she does not have any kind of desire for this. She made pledges that she signed that there would never be another man in her life. She was in China and I was here. She was angry that I could even think she might have sex with another man. She was a very well respected woman. If she ever did something like this then all respect for her would go down the drain. She had a lot to lose. She had a lot to risk. She would risk pregnancy, disease and not being able to come out of China (if she showed diesease on her medical test), and risk divorce if the husband found out. So she said of course she could never even imagine doing such a thing. My friends scolded me for not trusting my wife and having these kinds of thoughts. My wife had never had an affair before in her life. Yet two weeks later she and another man had sex. This was just two weeks before she came to America. She knew she only had two weeks to go. Ten minutes before the sex she was admiring pictures of her husband with another man. She did not have sex on her mind. Then the temptation was too much. Then her resistance caved in. Then she had sex. Then she destroyed a beautiful dream. I would have given any amount of money to prevent it. To me no amount of salary or work benefits is worth this risk. My wife was not in love with this man. But she was attracted to this man. If you put yourself into a tempting situation you cannot predict what will be the outcome no matter how strong you think you are. This is my personal opinion based on my personal experience. It happened to me more than once. So I would be very cautious. As I told my wife even if she has 100% no intention of having an affair, but if the other man has this on his mind, he will find a way to start an affair. In a moment of need, in a moment of anger, in a moment of confusion in a moment , in a moment it is too late.

Hi Terri,<P>While I often find it easy to make some constructive suggestions for newbies, your situation is a tough one, and you already know the MB principles.<P>I think you're doing the right thing in posting here. I've had a time when I (a BS) was disgusted with my wife and she had a negative emotional bank account balance with me. I was ready to have an A or just leave. One of the things which helped me to not do so was the friends I have made here. I do want to say that you've put up with a lot more than even most of us, and I respect that a lot.<P>As for suggestions, the best thing I can think of is to plan activities that you really enjoy, or purchases you've wanted to make, during the times when you think that you will be vulnerable. Use them as rewards for yourself for maintaining your integrity. When tempted, think of the upcoming reward and earn it by not even allowing yourself to enjoy thoughts of what you should not be doing. Focus instead on the anticipation of the upcoming reward.<P>Anyway, that's my suggestion.<P>As an aside, I'm a career-changer who is now an MCP. I was a fairly successful accountant, couldn't see doing it the rest of my life, and quit to take MCSE and A+ classes. I have the core Win2K MCSE exams done, but need to find a job and finish the last three as I can. It is tough to get a start in any field, I'm there now, so I understand your need to get some marketable experience before a job change. Of course, that's the same in IT as it is in most fields.<P>Anyway, I was curious as your post was unclear to me as to what your job is. What aspect of IT are you involved in?<P>Best wishes with your situation. You have my sympathy.<P>Steve

Heartache - wondered what that glow on the horizon was ... I know you were serious originally, it just kinda struck me funny. Of course, if you can get that invention together soon, I'll be happy to alpha AND beta test it for you!<P>Rodger - I have followed your story, and I'm sorry that your wife is not understanding your need to make sense of it all... however, most of the time this kind of thing doesn't make much sense at all! But I am very familiar with the pain that betrayal causes the betrayed - and I think that makes a major difference between me and your wife. I know how much it hurts, and I would never knowingly or willingly hurt another human being like that.<P>StillHers - Thanks for the suggestions ... I guess I don't get a new computer 'less I behave. Seriously, the suggestions are good. As for my job... it is a combination title - two full time jobs in one (I'm not hardly kidding): Help Desk Coordinator/WebMaster. I absolutely MUST have 2 or more years experience under my belt to find something else, as I have no degree nor certification in this area at all - I am pretty much self-taught except for some of the more advanced web design skills I have acquired (javascript, Cold Fusion, etc.) which I was lucky enough to be able to hone in the classroom. I started the job in September 2000, and I really do love it. It is really Tech Support/Computer Repair and Maintenance, and Web Design.<P>Thank you all for the support... I knew I could count on the MB'rs to come through for me (I'll probably be back in about 12 days or so with my crazed hormone levels - just fair warning).<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>