Dear HW,<P>Glad to hear from you. These things take time. Lots of time that we probably don't have. Nonetheless we find a way to deal with it, don't you agree?<P>You are actually doing quite well. Your feelings and anxiety attacks are part of the normal pattern for many of us. You will find support here for that. <P>Now as to the counseling sessions, try this: Go to the top of your page and look for 'HOME' under the marriage builder logo. Click on Counseling Center. Read the instructions and you will be given a number to call and setup an appointment. <P>Hope this helps, don't forget to ask if you need them to help you to write a letter. It may be beneficial (help speed things up) if you already have taken emotional needs questionnaire and let them know. Also have a writeup of the events in chronological order to help keep it track. You will be scheduled for approx. 1 hr session. Write down any questions you can think of in advance. Let them know what books you have read. <P>Also let them know if you are already utilizing other counseling services within your area for both you and your H. Family history of any disorders you are aware of (ie: bi-polar, suicide, etc.). They generally will let you tell your issue for about the first 20 minutes. <P>Before your scheduled session, please read the basic concepts also found on the home page. This is important since it will give you an idea of which direction they will assist in. So far, most of the comments regarding the sessions have been positive. Let them know if finances are difficult up front. Their goal is to help you and to also help you restore your marriage. <P>I need to let you know that I had help in giving you these notes. A friend of mine just had a 1st session and the thoughts and process are still quite fresh in their mind. My 1st session was a few months ago and I need to schedule another one. <P>Let's keep encouraging each other since this is also therapuetic for all of us. <P>Take Care and wish you well,<BR>L.<BR>

Hurtwife,<P>I think your letter was good. I cant tell you how many times I wrote about the cat. I even kept a little list to jot down things I wanted to tell him and would write it the next time. Things in the news that would interest him, about the town our house was in, about his family or mine. <BR>I think no response is maybe better then an angry one. But I know of another person who had her H keep telling her that he wasnt coming back while she kept writting and he did come back. I guess if he acts like it is really a LB you could tell him you just want to keep in touch and expect nothing from him.<P>Good luck, Keep writting and reading here,<BR>Lora

Orchid:<P><BR> RE: Glad to hear from you. These things take time. Lots of time that we probably don't have. Nonetheless we find a way to deal with it, don't you agree?<P> *** Yes, I do agree we have to deal with it, really what choice is there? (unfortunately)<BR>------------------------------------------------------------<BR> RE: You are actually doing quite well. <P> *** I don't feel like I'm doing well, at all. I guess I'm doing as well as I can do under the circumstances, considering my current frame of mind. My motivation is very low and I know I need to work on this, it's just not there in the mist of all the confusion. I've felt like I am walking on eggshells, especially with H.<BR> <BR>------------------------------------------------------------<BR> RE: Counciling...<P> *** I have a problem with counciling as far as finances. When H left, he left me with nothing except bills, he is only concerned with himself & OW. H said he would pay those bills because he ran them up, but H apparently doesn't think it's his responsibility, so I'm stuck with it all. H concept is I'm on my own, financially and in every other way. It's been a struggle just to keep a roof over my head, to say the least. <BR>------------------------------------------------------------<P> RE: I need to let you know that I had help in giving you these notes. A friend of mine just had a 1st session and the thoughts and process are still quite fresh in their mind. My 1st session was a few months ago and I need to schedule another one. <P> *** Thank your friend for me for the help, I appreciate it. <P><BR>Take Care, hopes that things will be looking up!<BR>

Lora:<P> RE: I think your letter was good. I can't tell you how many times I wrote about the cat. I even kept a little list to jot down things I wanted to tell him and would write it the next time. Things in the news that would interest him, about the town our house was in, about his family or mine. <P> *** I take it that your H was in another town? It is difficult for me to write because:<P> All of this has happened last year.<BR> What has transpired, I tried to be civil with him, but<BR> H has been so hateful. He blames me (of course) at <BR> least it seems that way. He has accused me of a lot <BR> of things I didn't do. I'm sure OW has fabricated lies to<BR> turn him against me. I was even on the phone with him at <BR> his business one day (earlier on), when she called 4 <BR> times on the other phone. I could hear everything he was <BR> saying to her. Appears she was freaking out because he<BR> was talking to his wife. The first time he got back on <BR> the phone with me he started yelling at me for calling <BR> his apt.(she said I was harassing her). I didn't call <BR> apt. and than I reminded him that I had been on the phone <BR> with him for the period of time OW accused me of <BR> calling...duh. <P> He wanted to come to my house and see what he wanted to<BR> take. When he left he said you can have it all (most of <BR> it is mine anyway). I told him to make a list (lawyer <BR> said that was reasonable) H said he couldn't remember <BR> and wanted to go through the house. Unfortunately, after<BR> he brought OW to my doorstep,(after she threatened to <BR> beat me up) I can not trust him. I'm afraid of letting <BR> him in. H kept saying you won't even let me in the house, <BR> I think I'd be stupid to let him with what has occurred.<BR> This creates a barrier towards our relationship(as it <BR> is), but I also have to protect myself. I've debated <BR> whether I should let him come over, but since he has <BR> become so self serving, I'm afraid it wouldn't serve any <BR> positive purpose. <P> It's evident to me that he only has his & OW interests <BR> at heart. Even H mother said NO don't let him in. MIL <BR> told me if I meet him to do it in a public place. What's <BR> that tell you?<P> H wanted items also that are on my credit cards, that are<BR> not paid for and I'm stuck with the bills. H even wanted<BR> my bicycle(for OW), DEEP FOG.<P> This has created a lot of animosity and I feel warranted<BR> distrust. Not only because of the adulteress <BR> relationship, but how H has handled or not handled <BR> other issues. H has been unreasonable to the point it<BR> seemed impossible to deal with him on these issues, so<BR> I don't. This has created a big problem with any <BR> communication. <P> Also, because of all this I'm leary of telling H too <BR> much about me and what I am doing. Am I being paranoid?<BR> I feel it's being cautious, I just don't know what will<BR> happen and I don't want to put myself in a vulnerable<BR> position (if you know what I mean). <BR>____________________________________________________________<BR> <BR> RE: I think no response is maybe better then an angry one. But I know of another person who had her H keep telling her that he wasnt coming back while she kept writing and he did come back. I guess if he acts like it is really a LB you could tell him you just want to keep in touch and expect nothing from him.<P> *** I agree, no response is better than an angry one. <BR> I have gotten enough of H anger. With the other person<BR> you mentioned....how long was H gone before he came back?<BR> I don't even hear from H, so I wouldn't know if it would<BR> be a LB for H. I know that if differs with each individual<BR> as far as time and results. I guess I'm curious of others<BR> success stories, because it is hope. Than again I also<BR> realize it may not turn out that way.<P>Thanks for the support, advice, etc. I value yours and anyone else's opinions, it really does help. <P>Take care. <P>

Why would the ow want to beat you up? Is she insecure? She won the prize and is scared she can keep it. I wonder if he is telling her things about you.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mon:<BR><B>Why would the ow want to beat you up? Is she insecure? She won the prize and is scared she can keep it. I wonder if he is telling her things about you.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> I don't exactly know the answer to your question. I can only speculate, maybe because I am his WIFE. Maybe OW finds me a threat, maybe jealousy, immaturity, mental illness...who knows? I'd say OW is insecure, after all OW couldn't find a man of her own. It also apparent that their (H & OW) entire relationship is based on lies, deceit, betrayal..not only towards me, others but towards each other. H even admitted to me that he has caught OW in a lot of lies, and that he doesn't trust her. (funny H had told me he would trust me with his life, I never gave him a reason not to). Now what kind of relationship is that?<P>I can honestly say that I never felt the least bit of jealousy towards OW. I've seen IT, talked to IT, heard about IT and it's clear to me OW doesn't have much going for her. This is not just my opinion. Even OW husband called her a "lying, stupid, B^#@^! OW doesn't have any good qualities as far as I can tell. No morals or ethics, extremely vulgar language and the list goes on. Of course I don't know this person personally, and DON'T care to, I've seen enough, OW is ugly inside and out. OW also obviously possesses violent behavior, has a vast lack of self control. OW wouldn't be the type of person I would even associate with. I don't know why H is, this is why I believe it is an addiction and the FOG. But, this is H & OW problem. <P>Oh, I'm sure H has told OW things about me, most likely lies. I also know OW has told him lies about me, untrue accusations (H accused me of). As I said it's their problem at this point...and they will have to figure it out. <P>Thanks for writing....take care. <P><p>[This message has been edited by Hurtwife (edited May 07, 2001).]

I guess today H will get the letter I sent, not that I really expect to hear from him. At least it will be a reminder "Look at Me" "I'm Still Here".<BR>Who knows what his reaction will be?<P>Thanks for the idea, we shall see. I've also thought that I don't really have to write letters. I can send cards, maybe with sayings, poetry or whatever. Opened for suggests.<P>Thanks again...Take Care All.