I'm going to post a hypothetical situation and see how everyone responds. When you respond, pls. indicate if you are a BS or a WS. Just FYI, I'm writing this from my own frame of reference as a woman, however, apply it to your own gender, okay? Okay! Here we go:<P>During your lunch hour, you run into a co-worker of the opposite sex at the local cafe. He asks you to join him, and you agree - after all, you've worked together for a long time, and this is someone you admire, both professionally and as a friend. As you have lunch, the co-worker begins to tell you about his unhappy marriage. He starts to go into somewhat personal detail about how he feels about his W and the situation at home. He seems genuinely affected by his situation, and you care about his feelings. How do you show your friend that you care about his happiness? (Pick one anser)<P>A. You listen to him talk, gently placating him at times, and at the end of lunch tell him that if he ever needs to talk about it more, you're there for him.<P>B. You politely tell him that you don't feel comfortable about him sharing the details of his personal life and recommend the name of a good marriage counselor.<P>Ready. Set. Go.<P><BR>belld

Before the Affair: A<BR>After the Affair: BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB!!!!!<BR>

Same as above.

Same as above.

I am the BS. Same as above.

If this is someone I know well and trust, WHO KNOWS MY SPOUSE, I would tell the person that WE are there for him if he needs a shoulder.<P>If it is someone I ONLY know as a co-worker, I would wish him well, but also tell him that I'm not the person to have the discussion with - his wife is.<P>So, sort of A, sort of B.

Same as the majority, <P>Before the A- A<P>After the A - B<P>I am the BS

My answer: <P>B. You politely tell him that you don't feel comfortable about him sharing the details of his personal life and recommend the name of a good marriage counselor.<P>My comments: You are their friend. Never mistrust that friendship. Guard it as a friendship. Those in an A are not friends. They are learning to use themselves and each other to only bring hurt. That is not what friends are for. Otherwise, why would so many need to quit their jobs, move away, etc. if they could still be friends?<P>Good question. <P>L.<BR>

I give him the Marriage Builders web-site information and wish him the very best of luck.<P>I am a bs...female by the way.<P>allison

My answer: <P>B. You politely tell him that you don't feel comfortable about him sharing the details of his personal life and recommend the name of a good marriage counselor.<P>My comments: You are their friend. Never mistrust that friendship. Guard it as a friendship. Those in an A are not friends. They are learning to use themselves and each other to only bring hurt. That is not what friends are for. Otherwise, why would so many need to quit their jobs, move away, etc. if they could still be friends?<P>Tell him/her as a friend, you can not engage in this discussion, out of respect for you, please take it to a professional who can best help you. If they show no respect and want to pursue, run.......fast.<P>Status: I am the BS (can you tell?).<P>Good question. <P>L.<BR>

This exact situation happened to me. I think that the majority of people that express themselves in this manner are in need of help and support and not looking for an OP. Since I KNOW that I would never get involved with a married person no matter what kind of emotional attachment I felt, I had no trouble talking to him about the situation.<P>What I did was encourage him strongly to work through the process to rebuild his marriage, reminded him that he made a lifetime vow, directed him to specific books and websites (this one included), and shared with him my view about how destructive my husband's walking out was on our children. He, of course, told me that "you can't change people's basic personalities", which is why he didn't see hope. I told him my view that tremendous progress can occur when both people are committed to the changes necessary to make the marriage work. As far as I was concerned, he hadn't even scratched the surface on working through the issues. So, while I did listen to him with understanding, I essentially had no compassion for any thoughts he had about leaving the marriage.<P>This conversation was in November. They're still together, working on their marriage, and I'm still a friend to him. I am female and the betrayed spouse.

BS here most likely like everyone else before A, after B but I would hope I could the good that Distressed did.<P>where would we all be if our WS or the OP had told them to go to their Spouses, get help, not listen, make comforting noises or share war stories of how awful their spouse is,<P>

Keep posting your answers, gals and guys.<P>I started this topic for a reason and to make a point. Some of you have already touched on it, in fact.<P>belld

Great Question....<P>I would be there to talk to him but only about the rebuilding of his marriage. I would encourage counseling and talking to his wife. If he ever would allude to a romantic interest with me, that would be the swift end of all contact.<P>BTW....BS<P>

I am the BS in the current situation.<P>I am also trained as a social worker, so I would do my best to guide them in the right direction, which would be to save their marriage. Unless there was some serious reason not to (drugs, abuse).<P>As far as emotional attachment, I have got way too much on my plate now for any emotional attachment.

This betrayed female would pick C:<BR>I say, "(Friend), you really sound upset with your situation. What is it that you would like to see happen?" <P>If the answer to that question was something to the effect of hopping in the sack with me, I would give him a Jewish Mother "Oh" and realize that he really wasn't much of a friend at all.<P>If the answer was that he wanted to work on his marriage, I would give him the URL to Marriage Builders (already did that for someone who, I'm happy to report, is now getting back with his wife). I would tell him (as I already have) "The person who needs to hear this is your wife. You obviously love her. This is what is known as a 'rough patch'. The going is tough so you have to work harder."<P>If the answer had anything to do with mental or physical abuse (yes, it happens to men, too) I would tell him to get the heck out of Dodge and I'd give him my phone number. I would then call my husband and tell him what I had done.<P>I'm pretty sure there are other possible answers that I can't guess now.<P>I think my guiding light would be now and always has been to show this person that he had friend<B>s</B> in my husband and myself and to let him know that he is not alone no matter what.<P>All the best.<BR>--HBC

I am sort of in this situation. A male employee has been kind of a go-between with my H and me. He has listened to our problems individually and then sometimes talks about his problems with his wife. His wife has also talked to me about him. He is about 15 years younger than me.<P>My H met his wife before he came to work for us and told me he thought she was attractive (OW on the other hand was very young - 27 yrs younger than him, not physically attractive, and very overweight). Male co-worker has told me he finds me attractive. I've recommended Harley principles to him such as meeting his wife's needs and not taking his marriage for granted. I have tried to help him understand his wife's point of view since, as a woman, I usually understand where she's coming from. He tries to help me see my H's POV.<P>The fact is that although his comments have been flattering to me, especially so under the circumstances being a BS, I know I wouldn't even consider an affair, so I don't feel threatened by the conversation or the comments. He asked me if I wanted a hug once and I just said no.<P>Maybe this seems dangerous to some, but I absolutely know I would not have an affair in this situation. My marriage, my family, and my business all mean too much to me.

Male ws, this is my first and last A, and in part did include elements of just what you asked, sharing of marital disharmonies (both of us in unhappy marriages). I don't know yet how this will all turn out, but I do know I will never talk about such things (or anything that could lead to emotional attachment) to a married woman again. I too thought I was "affair proof" like some of you here, absolutely violated everything I believe in. Did not really even admit to myself (nor did the ow) what was happening till it had already happened. I do believe what the harley's (and most psychologists) say, no one is immune to a affair, it is a fundamental reality for all of us under the right circumstances.

Okay, now is the time for me to divulge the reason why I posted this question. <P>We all unanimously agreed that answer A was not the right answer. The vast majority of us agreed that B was the best answer, or a variation of B - tell the friend to talk to the spouse or take it to counseling or this board. So then. A real friend who is truly concerned about another does not allow themselves to get sucked into the marital problems of an opposite-sex friend. A true friend knows how damaging this is to a marriage. A true friend knows how to draw appropriate boundaries. A true friend doesn't play counselor to such intimate details - a true friend guides a friend to help, rather than pretend to have all of the answers.<P>I've read many posts from WS alledging that the OP was a good friend. A loyal friend. Someone who had their best interests at heart. But obviously, then, this cannot be; a true, loyal friend would not even listen to the marital problems of a opposite-sex friend.<P>That would be a very bad friend indeed. Maybe not intentionally. But still, a bad friend. An unhealthy friend. A friend with issues.<P>What is even worse that a bad friend who does this? Someone who not only listens to the persons problems, but who becomes romantically or sexually entangled with their "friend." <P>Dr. Harley wrote in SAA that the greatest enemy to the marriage is the OP. Enemy. Wow, that is a harsh word. But since we're all on MB, I can assume that we can agree with most if not all of Harley's principles. This one is pretty black and white.<P>Please, WS, think about this the next time you have a fond memory of the OP. This person who pretended to be a friend was not really a friend. This person who claimed to care for you and/or love you did everything they could to destroy you, your spouse, and your family. Friends don't do that to other friends.<P>Just trying to change some perceptions.<P>belld

I'm the BS and I pick <B>C.</B><BR>I sympathetically listen to her talk for awhile, and inquire about how much of what I'm hearing has been communicated to the spouse. Then I'd probably say something like "I appreciate the confidence you show in me by sharing this, but you'd really do better to discuss it with someone trained to deal with issues like this." Then I'd steer her to the MB site and also mention the phone counseling.<P>The amount of sympathy I'd show and the time I would spend listening would vary inversely according to the current health of my marriage and the degree to which I found the woman attractive. The more attractive she was and the less in love with my wife I felt the sooner I'd change the subject (at least I hope).<P>I probably would not bring up the idea that it was not proper to discuss such things with opposite sex friends as discussions of the danger posed would imply that I felt attracted to the friend. That is the last thing I'd want to let her know under such circumstances. Better to just say that she should talk to someone qualified to help, recommend MB, and steer the conversation elsewhere.<P>Steve