I saw this in the Dear Ann Landers column and thought I would share it:<P>Writer: "My wife had an affair 20 years ago. I have not trusted her since. If it weren't for our children, I would have never taken her back. When the kids are out of the house, I plan to get a divorce. Believe me, Ann, the hurt NEVER goes away. It wouldn't matter if 50 years had passed, there is no way I could ever forget the pain I suffered and the anger I felt."<P>Ann: "Any man who is still punishing his wife for an affair she had 20 years ago should check to see how many shingles have fallen off his roof. One of the greatest human virtues is the ability to forgive. It not only frees the sinner but enriches the life of the one who has been sinned against. Hanging onto old hurts and licking the wounds accomplishes nothing. It merely prolongs the pain. Give it the deep-six, and let it go already."<P>I am sure this man will look back one day and realize how much he really lost... then, it will be too late.

Leighann -<P>That's one of those things, as a former WS, that I don't like to read. But, it makes you wonder what has been going on in there marriage for the past 20 years. Does the wife know he is so angry and bitter? Does she think everything is fine? Has he confronted her about this and she just ignores it? The affair may have started the downward spin in there marriage, but unforgiveness, unwillingness maybe on the part the wife to help her husband get through this, will that's what ultimately destroyed their marriage. It's sad, and yes, the H needs to forgive in order to heal himself, but it just makes you wonder what's been going on for the past 20 years. . .It's sad, really.<P>I hope that never happens to me and my H.

I agree that this is a very sad story, and it does make you wonder what has been going on in their home for the past 20 years. Looking at the article closely, the man states that if it wasn't for the children he would not have taken her back, and that he is waiting for them to leave the house to divorce his wife. I have to wonder that if the children were already there at the discovery of the affair, why are they still in the house, after all, it has been 20 years, they should all be adults by now. It seems to me that even though he hasn't been able to fully forgive his wife, they must have has other children in the past 20 years. <P>I guess I was just thinking out loud

I think Ann's answer was good on this one. Sometimes she isn't much of a MarriageBuilder, as regards to infidelity...her own life influence, maybe. I don't recall why she & what was his name...Jules? divorced or if they said...but stats tell us infidelity at some point is part of 90% of marriages ending in divorce.<P>I have a feeling this letter writer's wife has no idea he's carried this grudge. I thought everything was ok with my H for 8 years after my affair...right up until he had his. And I wonder sometimes if we've resolved enough issues now, things seem good...<P>Sorry SKM, I know that isn't encouraging to WS either.

Ya know what? I'm gonna agree with the writer, not Ann.<P>I guess this is why I knew, KNEW, that our marriage could not be saved.<P>My ex cheated with three women in 1987. I *thought* I'd forgotten, and forgiven. Now, **maybe** it was because my ex really had no remorse at first, or for years afterwards, but I can't be sure.<P>I'm divorced from him now (after 20 years of marriage) and engaged to someone else... but let me tell you... it still ticks me off (though I'm not flaming mad anymore, of course) that he cheated.<P>In year 19, I had an affair, and I FULLY believe that my ex would never, ever, ever have forgiven me... and it seemed to be solidified when he had a few more affairs himself.<P>SOME will make it - and those like SKM, who are remorseful, have God in their lives, and working hard to make it work, WILL work!!<P>But not all...<P>~Sheryl<P>------------------<BR>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

My first H had an ongoing A throughout our marriage. I divorced him a year later when it became evident that he was not going to admit what he'd done. I have forgiven him for the A. Looking back on his childhood (father drank a lot, abused his mom), I can see why he'd have serious issues getting close to any one person. What I have not forgiven him for is his unwillingness to admit the A, admit the lies, apologize very sincerely, and show remorse. This is a man who passed on two STDs to me from his lover and told me that I got them from sitting on a toilet seat. That's how much in denial first H was.<P>I could have forgiven him completely had he only come clean. Every now and then I wonder if maybe one day I'll get a letter in the mail that admits the A and shows true remorse. But after more than 10 years, I'm not counting on it.<P>My point is that it is NOT the PA or the EA or whatever is the case. It is the lying, the cover-up, the lack of willingness to admit the wrong to the spouse, to God, and to the Self. Perhaps the man who wrote Ann Landers never saw any kind of repentance in his W? If that is the case, I don't blame him for being bitter.<P>belld

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Ann: "Any man who is still punishing his wife for an affair she had 20 years ago should check to see how many shingles have fallen off his roof. One of the greatest human virtues is the ability to forgive. It not only frees the sinner but enriches the life of the one who has been sinned against. Hanging onto old hurts and licking the wounds accomplishes nothing. It merely prolongs the pain. Give it the deep-six, and let it go already."</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The more I think about it, the more questions I have. Has this man been assisted by his wife in healing? Did she show any remorse? Did they both continue with behaviors that were detrimental to healing? I don't believe that there was enough information in the writers letter for Ann to say what she did. Yes, the BS should forgive, but we never forget. While the memory of being betrayed will forever be there, it is the actions of my W that either have helped me or caused me more pain.<P>Early in recovery, my W contributed nothing to the rebuilding of our marriage, and it was painful and emotionally draining. While we are not out of the woods yet, the fact that she is now working on bringing us closer, has made the memories of what has happened more tolerable. If my W had not began to make more efforts towards us, who knows, I may have been able to write the same letter, and it would not have been because I was unable to forgive, but rather I didn't have enough support to heal.

Hi All:<P>I read this column earlier this week and thought much the same as you did....what a waste of time...20 years of unforgiveness and withhelded love. Why bother? For the children? As if children don't feel the lack of love in the family.<P>This feels like a situation where the A has never really been dealt with...for whatever reason...and really put in the past. I think if you can look at a failed marriage and see your part in it...then you have the power to forgive...because partly you're forgiving yourself for the mistakes you made. I see this individual as never acknowledging his role and continuing years of blame...self serving but a total waste of his life. How much better to have dealt with it...however it resolved itself...and moved on. Such a pity to have wasted 20 years of your life. <P>Faye

I agree with FA. Her answer is not justified because his letter gave so little information. Also he never said anything about not forgiving he said he would never forget. And that is absolutely normal can any betrayed here say they will ever forget the affair? <BR> <BR>I find Ann Landers to generally be very hardnosed when it comes to the betrayed her attitude is just get over it.