SHA,<P>Just a few more thoughts on telling the OMs W. <P>I agree w/Wexwill that you should do it anonymously. But, since i'm sure you're observing the policy of compete honesty with your W, you need to be prepared to acknowledge responsibility. <P>To offer some encouragement, since coming to this site and reading your posts i've dedicated myself to following the same plan of offering unconditional love to my W. While it has certainly been better than the days of frequent confrontations, she still exhibits no outward signs of loving me. There is very limited touching (she says it makes her uncomfortable), no kissing, no holding, and certainly no sex. This has gone on now for 4 months, not counting her 3 month continued affair and subsequent withdrawal period. My point to all this is: TAKE HEART AND DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED! You're obviously making more progress than some of us. <P>rjr #2: Thanks for relating your story. Yes, i do hope that someday my W will recognize that my actions saved our marriage and family.

SHA, <BR>I'm not in position to give advice as my marriage and attempts to fix it have failed.<BR>I was wondering, are you maybe smothering her? Can you back off a little ? Nothing drastic, but something noticeable that may make her realize she not responding to you .<BR>Maybe she doesn't like all the attention. I don't remeber all the details of your problems but maybe attention isn't one of her needs! I too neglected my wife so I'm not sure about my last statement, as I believe that most women have this need.<BR>Best of luck and continue to hang in there.

SHA,<BR>I just wanted you to know that my thoughts are with you. Your situation is way beyond me and where I am at. I think you are doing fine, You continually amaze me with your words of advise and encouragement. Thank you again and Be Strong.......<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Just curious....How was dancing last light. Did you get lots of slow songs?

You guys (gals too) are great! What would any of us do without the support and encouragement from one another .<P>cl - A cyber hug means a lot to me - thanks.<P>Ron - Remind me to not let you touch my PC . Your daughter is brave considering your past history with PCs. Glad to hear from you again. You're right, I did expect this in a way and I suppose it could be worse. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>On the positive side, your continued behavior just has to be the right way to go. If she ends up leaving you will know what it takes, will know you can do it, and will be a better person. But I still believe she will stay and when this semester is over (hopefully before) and reality sets in she will remember these days and will feel committed and loving for you having done this.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thank you, I needed to hear this. The next four months are just going to be tough. School itself is tough plus she is also working part time. So, she has a lot on her mind that is for sure. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Also on the positive side (I’m just envyous) you are being intimate twice a month. To me, that is a sign that nothing is physical with the OM.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I agree. After such a long period of not being together physically, it was a little awkward at first. But, I think we are becoming comfortable with one another again. I tell you what, I cherish that time with her like never before. I just want a lot of affection in between the twice a month; I really hope that will improve.<P>I don't know what to think about this other email account. She promised me things and I want to trust and not snoop around. I want her to trust me too. <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Isn’t there some way you can get her to open up a little? Email? Notes?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I'm trying. God knows I'm trying. She was opening up a little prior to school starting and then she has shut down some. I'm keeping up my little notes and emails to her. I'm very happy to hear things improving somewhat for you and your wife. It is kind of funny sending these emails and notes. I feel like I'm in grade svhool or something. But, if it works why not.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I’m just affraid your W might see you as a man who would put up with this forever.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I think she knows I won't put up with this forever. I don't think she would have contacted the other man if she didn't have to see him at school. As I said earlier, I think she is trying in her own way at her own pace. This emotional bond is just so difficult to break.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>She is now reading my Surviving Affair books every night. She tells she loves me fairly often. She holds me when we go to sleep.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Great news for you! You certainly are due for some better times. I think these are wonderful signs! Keep it up!!!<BR> <BR>nlitend - I feel for you buddy. I know I am making progress, slow as it is, and I know how hard it is for you. I still think unconditional love is the way to go. Withdrawal is different for everyone I guess. How are you doing in talking to her. That was one of my keys back into her life. We talk a lot. Slowly I offered a little touching while we were talking (like a foot rub). I don't take what I have for granted anymore. This whole mess just gets exhausting - doesn't it? Hang in there and keep trying. <P>RWD - How are you doing? I know you have and are going through some tough stuff. Thanks for your questions.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I was wondering, are you maybe smothering her? Can you back off a little ? Nothing drastic, but something noticeable that may make her realize she not responding to you.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I was smotthering her a lot in the past. I think I am getting much better at a 'normal' routine if there is such a thing. A month or so ago she asked me to level off. I was pushing for more and more and it was wearing her down. I'm trying to be consistant in my behaviors toward her.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...but maybe attention isn't one of her needs!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>She likes what I do for her and she tells me when I'm going over board. If anything, I suppose I need to be more open with my needs to her.<P>Rutger - Thanks for YOUR words of encouragement. I am grateful to get support from those of you who are going through the really tough stuff right now. Again, thank you.<P>Betrayed - Well if you must know, we had fun. It was actually a private dance lesson at Aurthur Murray studios. We started on all the basics of dance. Did a little waltz, rhumba, and swing. She was pretty aprehensive about going, but later told me she had fun. No slow songs though; but this morning she did give me a big hug; that's all I wanted . She tried to get me to go dancing for 15 years and finally gave up. I don't know what I feared because we had a great time together. We are set up to go dancing several more times this month. I'm going to keep it up as long as she's willing. <P>Guys, if at all possible, take your wife dancing. You get to hold one another. You get to look into each others eyes. And you get to spend some quality time with each other. <P>Thanks everyone!<P>SHA

Hi SHA!!! Just came to check on you and I see that you are doing better.<P>Glad about the dancing - sorry about the slow songs, though!! Still got to hold her, that's nice!!! <P>I wanted to comment on the words to the song you printed here - loved 'em and they brought tears to my eyes!!! So of course, being the glutton for punishment that I am - I want to get the CD - who is it by and what's the name, please?<P>Also, what you were saying to WS about your sword, shield and battle - boy, did I relate!!!! Makes me want to change my name to Xena!!!!!! (you know who Xena is right?) LOL!!!!!!<P>Thanks for your kind words to me - that is part of how I do it, I guess....the care that I am given by wonderful people like you!!!!! No more gifts for Daddy yet - we haven't gone over to his place since - he did come here and picked up some "treasures" in our yard that I had not gotten to yet!!! yeah, he's blind allright....I'm just waiting for him to walk into a brick wall (cuz he can't see it) and knock some sense back into himself!!!!! LOL!!<P>Hugs to you and remember that you're doing a great job and will be rewarded fully when it is time.<P>Sheba

SHA - Like your suggestion about dancing. I'm doing OK, thanks, though not great. W and I are in the middle of a fight which I'm determined not to back down from this time (= apologize, and then have to apologize for my apology, etc., etc.) It happened on a little holiday vacation trip we took where I was really knocking my tail off trying to please her and do stuff to make the trip good for her and she was responding with her usual sarcasm and sexual withholding. Finally, I snapped. I decided I'd had enough. So when she came out of the bathroom in the morning and I asked her, "Are you through in the bathroom?" and she replied, "What does it look like?" I countered with what I know was a "lovebuster" but I didn't care. I said, "Could I please just have a yes-or-no answer to a simple question?" And we're off and running!<P>So I can really sympathize with your descriptions of your W's unloving behavior towards you. As I say, I like your suggestion about going dancing, except the last time I took my W dancing, she kept telling me what I was doing wrong! That's WHY it was the last time we went dancing!<P>Anyway, I really do admire your persistent efforts to be loving and caring towards your W even though she's not like that towards you most of the time. Me, I do get frustrated and angry when that happens, and then the fighting starts. Haven't made much progress recently in the snooping dept. either, though I haven't given up on it.<P>Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Wex and sha, I really feel for you and admire your patience. those girls have no idea what they are missing? What is wrong with those two? Guess I am frustrated reading this because what you need and want it so straight forward, so simple to me. But they see it as something completely different? Amazing to me somedays.

Sweetheart, how can I say this gently? Nine months, darling. Remember, you neglected her for years. It is going to take a long time. I totally understand that you need some love and some sign that it is worth it. You deserve those things, really you do, and I know that we all want to see you get that from your wife. I'm pulling for you and I'll encourage you to hang in there. I'll also give that little reality check to you honey, it is going to take a long time to heal what was neglected and consequently in terrible disarray. As much as I hate to say that, friend, I felt like I needed to. Keep your heart in the right place.<BR>In support of you and W,<BR>FC

Sheba - or should I say Sheba Warrior Princess? I'm a country and western music fan. That song I mentioned above is on John Michael Montgomery's latest CD called "Home To You" (in fact that's the name of the song I wrote a few words to). There are more words than I listed; I just couldn't type that fast. It's a wonderful song I'm sure you'll like the whole CD. Since you got me started; I have to reccomend another. Have you listened to Martina McBride before? Her Evolution CD is great. I don't like the name butr the songs are wonderful. I took my wife and daughter to her concert last week. Absolutely wonderful time. I bought my wife and daughter a rose at the concert. My 8 year old daughter was overwhelmed. She looked at her mommy and said "Daddy bought me a rose!". She gave me that special look with her pretty green eyes and the biggest smile you could imagine. I may have made her day but she made mine.<P>Wex - Hang in there buddy. Gosh, I can only imagine the trials you are going through. The not knowing who the Om is and your wife continuing to go behind your back must be exhausting. I have to say I admire your perservence in this mess as well. hold on - your due.<P>cl - I can only assume that Wex's W and mine are still clouded by fantasy thoughts. I can only imagine what is going through my W's mind; the contradictions, the confusion, everything. I suppose that's why she sometimes retreats to her room or bathroom for long periods of time to just work this out in her mind. Thank you for your thoughts and encouragement. For the most part, all you ladies seem to think I am on the right track and so that is where I will stay.<P>SHA

FC - No need to be gentle; I know. I did neglect her for years. In many ways, that is what gives me strength to keep giving to her. I think about all the crap I put her through for so long, the years I wasted of enjoying her. Some have told me I'm weak or perhaps a door mat for wanting to keep giving for so long and getting so little in return. When I hear that, I try to think about what my wife went through with me. I look at it as her ship coming in. She's due - BIG TIME. I do get tired though. I do want a little in return. The more she gives, the more I can give. I know it will take a long time. I've come to grips with that. I walk in her shoes a little more each day and I appreciate her with every step I take. Thanks for the reality check. And a bigger thanks for pulling for me I appreciate that more than you probably think.<P>SHA

SHA,<P>Wanted to lend my moral support and let you know that I'm pulling for you too. You sound very similar to my H in many ways. Like you, he is now committed to showing me the attention he withheld for most of our marriage. It's working like a charm! But, it has and continues to take time. You are doing great, and if you keep your eyes focused on "why" you're in the giver's driver's seat, you will find the strength to continue as long as it takes. When your W was being neglected and didn't feel loved, like me, she probably didn't know why and didn't know how to fix things. You have that knowledge, and knowledge is power and knowledge is strength.<P>You're one of the survivors and strivers, I can tell that! Keep up the GREAT work!<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.