I am curious to know how many WS would sit in church like mine every wk during the time their A was going on. My H and I recently moved across the country a year ago for his job promotion and we hadnt been going to church in our other state so we started going here every wk. My H said he got alot of meaning out of the pastor's long sermons.He started going to Bible study for the first time in our 15 yrs of marriage. I was teaching Sunday school. Yet after church he would drop me and the kids off at home then say he was going to the gym and go to his single OW's condo for some 'sweaty action!" This went on for several months before I confronted him and he confessed. I am really shocked that he could go over there right after church like that. We went to see our pastor after d-day and our pastor said he was in heavy heavy psychological denial about what he'd done and what it meant. He told me privately to think of H as 'temporarily insane!" Now that was good advice!I would love to hear your experiences about this. Thanks- lifeismessy

BLECH... Wanna barf? My ex MET HIS final (#5) OW THERE.<P>I called it, "Dating Central Church o' God" but it isn't really very funny, is it?<P>He is still there, by the way, as is she. At one time, the minister told him he was not welcome... but then, we divorced and everything was okay again -- LA, handclaps, happy music, .<P>Yeah, still irks me. Can you tell?<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino<p>[This message has been edited by Nyneve (edited May 23, 2001).]

My wife not only attended church, but taught children's Sunday School while her A was going on .<P>Pretty sickening.<P>Steve

LIM,<P>My W didn't go to church until AFTER her A began. I don't understand that. Does she think that by going to church, it makes everything okay?<P>S&C

There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning.<P>Last time I checked, there was no commandment, "Thall shalt not be a hypocrit."<P>Sorry, but this is one of the main reasons I shun all organized religion. It's too easy to just show up in a building to pretend and use that as warped justification for your actions.<P>WAT<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited May 23, 2001).]

MY H was teaching Sunday School when the A started, he continued on going till the Sunday morning I confronted him. He never sat foot in that congergation again. But after few wks he started going somewhere else, & has continued to do so, I keep hoping that something he hears will touch his heart.

My wife was not affiliated with any organized religion before the A, and did not attend church, but after the A started, apparently has gone to a church of the same religion as OM.

My wife slept with the minister, she didn't have to go to church to get her 'religion'

In my case during her 6 month A, my WS not only attended our church, but became active in another church & was helping to lead that church’s high school youth group in a theatrical project. To take it one step further, six days before D-Day, she tells me that as a result of the youth groups play, she truly felt she found the Lord. <BR>Her boss lead her to this church & shortly after D-Day, before her boss knew of my W’s As with two OM, she asked if I resented her becoming active in this church. I had suspected A & my W was telling her boss I was becoming non-trusting, too smothering – wonder why? My W was presenting a story to her boss that I resented her being active & me questioning her about an overnight sleep over thing was an issue. This theatrical group was planning a couple weekends away from home trips, which made me feel uncomfortable, but I had not said anything. Anyway, (again, shortly after d-day & before her boss knew of multiple A’s) my W’s boss told me that W had expressed a desire to leave me until she got active in this church, like she knew I resented that, but that the church helped! --- All this time we are intimate 8 out of 9 days & many time two times a day – scary, huh!<BR>Her boss has since learned more of the truth & of course has not thrown that up to me again. As I told her boss, I never resented her activity in the church; I was suspicious of her A activity & did not know what was real or cover-up.<BR>I agree with other comment, some of this stuff defies logic!!<BR>Peace,<BR>HH<BR>

This other church I spoke of was relatively new, non-denominational, non traditional, very evangelistic church. It was lead by a young, attractive, enthusiastic, gregarious guy. One of their appeals was the Non-Traditional approach & highly spiritual nature! Their services were a production of sorts where the pastor was on a stage with several musicians playing modernistic music & there was a lot Hugging & Caring & high emotions with speaking in tongues & deep whaling, inspirational praying & laying of the hands kinds of things.<BR>IMHO, these crazy things can happen, regardless of the kind of church a person may be associated with.<BR>It was my W’s decision to quite going to this church. <BR>This stuff may be in our human frality, more than in the formal church oraganization. It is definately cause to wonder & challenge our traditional way of looking at things, howeevr I still feel there is more hope for our spirituality if we attend a church.<BR>Peace be with you,<BR>HH<BR>

Hello!<P>We had stopped going to church for a while. Husband has always been more church-going than I. One of the bible stories he always talked about was David and Bathsheba and how wrong it was...go figure.<P>We have returned to church, but he finds a way to turn the sermon or bible verse into justifying what he's done (doing?)<P>Even went so far as to say he didn't believe God was a part of marriage anymore.<P>He said for every verse I could find to favor marriage, he could find one that tells him he was on the right path.<P>I keep hoping God will open his eyes and transform his heart.<P><P>------------------<BR>See each day as a new beginning!<P>Cali

We were never big churchgoers but I started going to counseling with a minister (which was very helpful) and I was attending church. I asked H to go with me and he was horrified. He said he would feel extremely awkward and hypocritical being there. I think he actually feared that lighting would strike him down or he'd catch on fire like a vampire if he walked on holy ground lol.<P>My BIL's ex wife continued to be the head of her Sunday school department ( and a teacher) while she was sleeping with a married man.

My H's first A (there have been 2) began shortly after he became a full-time associate pastor at his home church, where he has attended every time the doors have been open since he was a baby. OW #1 was the nursery coordinator. OW #2 joined and became active in the church, in my opinion, to get closer to H and so they would have something in common besides sex. He resigned two weeks before he told me about #2. Continued A with #1 (total of 4 years), also taught new young adult Sunday School class, before finally telling me everything 3 months ago. <P>------------------<BR>"Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:7

well...i really hesitate to say this but thats never stopped me before<P>can you think of a better place for a sinner?<P>what are the chances a ws would get influenced by thier religion somewhere else?<P>i must just be looking at the half of the glass thats full

The POINT chaz, and I'm sure I'll sound ridiculous, but bear with me...is that I felt SAFE in church because I expected people to work harder at being good. When my ex-H wanted to go to church alone, I wasn't happy, because I wanted to go with him, but I understood his needing space to think about our marriage, and what better place than church? Little did I know he'd use it as dating central!! He "fell" for two different women there. He didn't go to see Jesus, he went to see them!! That makes me angry, as his (ex) wife, and as a Christian!! This is exactly why people say churches are filled with hypocrites.

Oh, boy, you guys are NOT going to like me but please read the WHOLE post.<P>Where does the minister (in team ministry with her H) go when she gets involved in an A for help?<P>I had the audacity to lead worship, preach, etc. How could I avoid my duties esp after 17 1/2 yrs of H preaching and me leading etc? <P>I actually (you may not believe it and I don't really understand it myself) still loved the Lord while sinning with Om. And probably had never been on my knees in prayer so much as during A (more after, of course) because I wanted help to get out so much. OM even e'd me when I e'd him to inform I would confess to take time to pray and not put MYSELF in jeopardy. Guess what the head pastor (H) wrote him? That he would kill him with his bare hands if he ever saw OM again and stay away from me, kids and our church. OM even quit job as it was a department of our denomination and some employees attend our church.<P>OM admitted to selecting me on a specific date and "knowing" I would come to him. He waited several months. H warned me I was walking into a landmine making friends. You will hate me even more when I tell you H was recovering from thyroid cancer when I let the nonsense pile up. <P>But maybe you can forgive me knowing I could no longer lie. I have never been able to tell a lie before A. Obviously I lied to self to allow this all to transpire.<P>One weird thing is I knew throughout but wouldn't admit till the end I would NEVER even considering marrying a guy like OM. I think having always been little Miss Perfect i wanted a taste of the wild side. I could not bring myself to have sex with Om (but we did almost everything except consummation) because I really did love my H.<P>H was like Christ to me in his mercy to forgive me, to tell me OM was sex predator. I knew he (Om) was into several "relationships" at once..OM was on sick leave (found out he cheated system somehow) Now I wonder if he didn't set that all up in order to have inordinate amounts of time with me. When I ended it, I told him to go to a certain ministry as they help sex addicts. This guy was "ready" all the time.<P>Of course H hurt like crazy but as a son of divorced parents and a true man of God, he chose to love me no matter what. His love and great counselling and incredible prayer support have brought me so far. God gets all the glory. I could not continue in ministry and got suspended. H went on sick leave (which we wonder if he had taken during 34 radiation treatments when I started to get really messed up about feelings for other men would have prevented some things) and we have been together constantly since March.<P>for us a romantic getaway and fellow ministers supporting our journey to restoration, also was incredible.<P>Yesterday we resigned with our old denomination and for now are choosing life outside ministry. It is still important to H to have a pulpit and actually in our new church, even though we are really new (like since Feb for me/March for H)<BR>we are loved and becoming a vital part of ministry team. I taught my second Ladies' bible study lesson this week.<P>I understand so much more about myself/life now and God is miraculously healing my self-esteem and filling me to overflowing with His healthy love. <P>At first I was terrified of all men but H (after confessing) OM pretended to be Christian to get in bed with me. That is so disappointing. Now I know the warning signs (and have chosen NEVER to let anything even mildly tempting happen again)...I see H with new eyes and understanding. He was so incredible to never LB as much as possible. to love me despite my betrayal. To forgive me.<P>As a matter of fact, H's love and God's love rescued me. Now I can talk to men but always try to avoid being alone and if I get the slightest vibe or feel uncomfortable get the h out of the situation!!! <P>I cannot believe I am at this place of healing so quick (d-day Feb 15) but rejoice to be forgiven, and a new person.<P>So I hope you don't hate me now. There is hope. Just be careful who you become friends with and how involved you allow spouse to get in church. These are so close to the last days before Christ's return and Satan is taking out marriages esp of pastors but others, too as a far too effective tool to discredit the healthy life of faith in God.<P>Whoa. I was actually sick to my stomach posting at first but hope this helped someone. I knew I had to tell you my story.<P><P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

Hi freshstart,<P>I think your name says it all, don't you?<P>Listen, I was an OW once myself, and a Christian (although I had strayed so far away from God at the time that I couldn't even see fit to pray)... so I do understand that we are all human - even Christians .<P>I applaud your desire to heal, and to tell your story.<P>My "problem" (if you will) comes from an ex-H who serial-cheated his way through 20 years of marriage, and several times with "Christian" women (one brought her Bible when we met and spewed Jesus-words at me, which royally ticked me off). When I cheated and spoke to the girlfriend of the OM, I didn't even try to tell her God loved us both, or anything like that. I apologized for the pain I'd caused her.<P>I did find my way back to church - and God - and for that I am happy. I'm not "all the way back" yet, but I'm getting there.<P>Thank you for sharing your story.<P>I wish you continued healing and blessings...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nyneve:<BR><B>I'm sure I'll sound ridiculous, </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>never!<P>

My H of 18 yrs at the time, was going to church with me where we worshipped for 18 yrs. He was a song leader and a deacon. During the A he withdrew from our friends and begin to spend less time with socializing and fellowshipping. He first quit teaching the young adult class, then quit leading singing, and eventually with no notice to me and the children, resigned one Sunday from being a deacon while my family and me wept. That same Sunday he suffered a breakdown of some sort and was taken to hospital. Exactly one year later was d-day. I had suspected an A because of his behavior and patterns.<P>The beauty is that on a Sunday shortly after d-day he made his way down the aisle in blue jeans and a face full of tears to embrace me and our boys, and meet our Pastor down front while he confessed that sin and asked for everyone's forgiveness especially God's and mine. That has been one year now.<P>He since then has taken up leadership again and admits that hearing sermons on adultery is painful but will always keep reminding him of the damage his actions caused to his family. He stayed in Church during that time knowing he was sinning and doing wrong. That is why he slowly pulled from all areas of leadership. He admits it was hard to sit there knowing he was living in sin, but eventually he became numb because that is what sin does. He simply went through the emotions every week becoming deeper and deeper involved in that life.<P>I am so grateful that things turned around for us. We are still recovering and healing as I am sure we will for a long time.

Kaymac At least your husband had the decenty to withdraw from his church leadership. My Daughters MM not only has NOT stept down, but counsels other MM in his congergation who are/having Affairs. By the way, D never misses church and it is not MM's church.