<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by struggling27:<BR><B>I am wondering if anyone else notices that all of the W of WS on here are really devastated and demolished, while the H of WS are not as harsh, they are more insightful, ready to take some blame, question, but not judge their W? Might sound strange, but what is it about us, women, who are suuposedly the softer, more *maybe* insightful of the species, why do we attack more when it is THEM who does it, why are the H more forgiving??</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well struggling, I am one of the men that was extremely harsh before discovering this site. I have and still do love my wife with all of my heart. On D-Day, I went ballistic, I did and said things to my wife that I never would have imagined myself doing or saying, ever. In concurring what some of the other men here have stated, my socialization as a man was that a cheating woman was not to be tolerated, she was to be thrown out, and initially that was where my mind was, as a matter of fact, I threw her out of the house for a couple of weeks. If it was not for the fact that I had to see my children suffering everyday because of their mother being out of the house, and me discovering this site, I would probably be divorced right now.<P>Despite all of the things that I have learned in the past 2 years, it is still a struggle for me at times, it is very hard to just do away with a life time of socialization, particularly as it relates to what being a man is all about. So while I may tell myself and others that I am doing the right thing, that I am trying to be insightful and understanding, and that I am being a strong husband and father, there is still sometimes this nagging feeling in my gut, a feeling of being stupid, weak and wimpy, which of course is what we men have been taught that we would be if we stick around with woman that has cheated on us.<P>struggling, consider yourself blessed, blessed that you have a husband that has chosen to forgive and move forward. Blessed that you have a husband that has proven to be strong in a time of confusion and pain. My advice to you is that you work toward forgiving yourself, and take advantage of the opportunity that your husband is giving you. As stated by you earlier, most women don't get that second chance.<P>

Yes, you are indeed correct FA. I am blessed. I was out of the house for a week and a half, then in the guest room for another week, i wasn't just miraculously forgiven, but yes I am truly blessed.<P>AND I have gained a better insight into the work that it will take to be married. Does that sound strange? We have been together for 7 years, married for over 2, and it has been all fun and games until now, so I realized that marriage is wonderful and it is WORK, and I am thrilled that we are both able to do the work to make US work.<P>Just to let you know, the comment you made about feeling wimpy or stupid like "how can I forgive her for this??? most men wouldn't" my H has said the SAME exact words, and has asked me, how can you really respect me if I just accept this? Very true, very deep statements, above all I am happy that he choses to see me and us for what we are. I am not a cheater, I just made a mistake. One that will never be made again. We are human beings, and we are very flawed.<P>Take care and good for you for being the man you are.

Just for the record… as a woman BS I have said and thought exactly the same things…. “how can you really respect me if I just accept this” and I have felt “stupid, weak and wimpy” at times too.<P>I believe that affairs affect the very core both male and female BS’s in the same way. Perhaps the difference is in the way we the different genders handle those feelings. <P>My hat is off to you FA. It takes a true man to stand my what he knows is right and not by the social norms he has be taught.<P><BR>Z

FA:<P>You are on the right road, my man. The toll is heavy, but the final destination is worth it.<P>Z:<BR>Our love grows daily: any garden that is nurtured and tended to tends to flourish, and ours is becoming quite lush.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL