Hi Rick,<P> Just wanted to throw in my support to you and tell you that in my case Plan B worked. I went into it like you did, very methodical and my H tried and tried to dismantle it....He said things like "we need to communicate for the kids"......,"we need to be friends", then he would get angry when I wouldn't answer the phone. He couldn't stand the thought that I was finished communicating with him. He really wanted it both ways .<P>Stay strong , don't let your W make you crumble.......the firmer you are, the angrier she might get and try to manipulate in some way. Btw, I was only in plan B two weeks, he agreed to all of my conditions and agreed to move. I was prepared for about 6-10 mos. of Plan B(honestly , I was shocked at how this all worked out). The kicker is, he had it made with OW, she was single, doted on him and let him move in with her.It still wasn't enough for him. <P>Thinking of you ..... HANG TOUGH.....LU

Quick question, Rick.<P>Is the OM in your situation married? And if so, does he have children?<P>Jo

Keep up the good work Rick! I think she knows exactly how serious you are and it's turned her comfy little world upside down. Boy, how they scrambled to regain control.......when they know, deep down inside, that they've never really been sure,of what it was they wanted, all along. Her reaction is somewhat comical to the objective observer. Her telling her boss what she did, sounds so much like a high school girl. I think her only intention was for you to hear that and none of the "friends laughing" part is true. It's her desperate attempt to make sure you know that the letter didn't get to her one bit.....only she doesn't know she's actually giving herself away. I ask, if it didn't affect her, then how could it have been worth mentioning?<P>Since she couldn't immediately get the relief she needed from telling her boss (since she couldn't be sure how soon the info would be relayed to you) she had to take more "desperate" action and call you 10 times. Her frustration shows in her messages. Plan B is working. <P>More than anything else you have to stick to this. You have to be consistent or you risk getting back on the rollercoaster. Your W, well now she's getting a taste of what the ride has been like for you, and it looks like she's a bit scared and might want to get off. Hoping and praying for the best for you!

Quick update before I go back outside. She called today, left a message "I just want to confirm that we aren't doing something together with the kids Canada Day (tomorrow)". "Please call me and let me know".<P>I need some strength to not call, but I'm not calling. Right?<P>She doesn't get it. I got lots more info from my friend (her boss). Probably shouldn't, but he told me a bunch of stuff. She thinks I'm being immature, and denied the affair to him, but not to me.<P>I know not doing something with her tomorrow is going to annoy her. Not calling will annoy her.<P>It isn't easy. Feels odd not to respond, but I know, I have to stay firm, or I blow it. Ahhhhhhh. Oh well, going back outside with the kids.<P>Oh, OM is not married, no kids. First relationship is with my wife, apparently. Was a virgin. Mommy and daddy wouldn't approve (cultural thing).<p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited June 30, 2001).]

Rick,<P>Hang in there buddy, you are going through the 'let's always be there for my spouse withdrawals'. You said it, no matter which choice you make she may consider you the bad guy. So do what you feel is best. If it is not to call then don't. Me, I wouldn't but hey I'm in a fisty mood right now. (Snl's comments on WAT's post fired me all up). Whew.....ok calming down (just kidding). <P>Go out and have fun with the kids. Really, how do you prove that you didn't do something? You know, it is like when H accused me of calling OW? I said I did not but he still didn't believe me? What I am going to show him my phone bill to prove I didn't call her and then have him accuse me of calling her from a phone booth or someplace else? Hey, I'm not the one making up lies telling stories or having the A here. More foghead logic. <P>Gotta go. <P>Take Care, <BR>L.<P><BR>

<B>I need some strength to not call, but I'm not calling. Right?</B><BR>Right!<P>muzohead,<P><B>Plan B WORKS! Plan A is only for specific cases where all the requirements for it to succeed are met.</B><BR>Plan A is for ALL cases. It shows the spouse who is having an affair that you can be supportive & loving even in the face of an active affair!<P><B>You are RIGHT, and it will WORK!</B><BR>Yes it will work, however that does not mean the spouse will return to the marriage. It is the best, PROVEN chance though.<P>Plan B is to give you the chance to heal & “just get over it” as so many WS like to say.<P><B>An attempt at Plan A when all conditions are not met, is a recipe for disaster. The BS ends up being treated as the proverbial doormat.</B><BR>This is to be expected. Again, it shows the spouse who is having an affair that you can be supportive & loving before you go to Plan B.<P><B>I, like so many others on this forum, have made the mistake of attempting Plan A, when Plan B was actually required.</B><BR>You don’t getta pick which one you do. You start with Plan A & then Plan B. No options.<P><B>After my attempt at Plan A failed to get anywhere 6 months after D-day, I told my W calmly and coldly that I wanted OUT, even if she could still not decide after all that time.</B><BR>But your Plan A did NOT fail! One of the reasons she wants back in is because you showed (or should have in Plan A) her unconditional love!<P>muzohead, <BR>You should go back & reread Surviving An Affair & the principles on this website if you are going to “preach” to get a better understanding of the hows & whys.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Chris, you took the words right out of my mouth.<P>Dr. Harley actually says that Plan A by itself is rarely effective with an ongoing affair. Plan B is generally the most effective of the two plans, but ONLY WHEN PRECEEDED BY A GOOD PLAN A!<P>Plan A is essential to Plan B. It is really one Plan with two major parts - and, while if your Plan A works, you may not need to go to Plan B, you can NEVER skip Plan A. Some people will find they do a shorter Plan A than others - but it must be done.<P>"doormat" is when you are not working on ANYTHING and allow your spouse to walk all over you. That is NOT the case in Plan A when it is done properly.<P>As Chris says, you need to read and get your facts straight if you are going to offer advice here.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>