You're definitely right. And I am committed to this now. I just felt like it was futile before, because she wasn't even willing to *try*.<P>As long as we are both agreeing to try, then we have hope.

GodlyMan:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>As long as we are both agreeing to try, then we have hope.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's NOT the point of Plan A. Plan A is to exhibit consistant "new" marital behavior to negotiate an end to the affair. It doesn't matter what she's doing or agreeing to.<P>You have ordered Surviving an Affair, haven't you?<P>

K, is there any particular reason you are being so negative every time? I mean, I'm trying over here! I really am!<P>So you think that "hope because we have both agreed to try" isn't a part of Plan A?? Then you have indeed confused me. <P>I ordered the book two days ago, yes. But to be honest with you, I have to start standing up for myself. I am a pushover and I always have been. My wife told me this. She said I need to start making decisions for myself instead of constantly turning side to side and getting affirmation. Please don't take this as a "I don't need your help" kind of attitude. On the contrary, you guys have helped me tremendously. <P>But be comforted in the fact that I do intend to sacrfice, sacrifice, sacrifice. I want this marriage to work more than anything in the world. I will be her doormat, if that is what it takes. But, I'm sorry, if she actually says out loud that she isn't even willing to try and let him go, then she definitely needed that time off to make those decisions.

GM! I'm so happy for you. I'm glad you're wife cam home. I want to take this as a sign that my H will come to his senses too. K isn't being negative - she wants you to be careful - for you . There's lots of people on this forum that have been up and down this horrible roller coaster, and when my H comes home, I want these folks to keep me focused. <P>I'm so happy for you! Be happy! Thank and praise God for the light and the sign of hope for your marriage! I know you can do this. Read read read, so you can best be prepared for whatever happens - I've heard the roller coaster has twists too! <P>Please stay with us during this part of your journey. Good luck to you.. Plan A as much as possible!!<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

Thank you, faith =)<P>I didn't mean to come down on K like that. But right now I need strength to Plan A as best as I can. And I don't want to lose the strength and positive attitude I have now.<P>I know a healthy dose of skepticism and caution is always good, and can help prevent the "down" portions of the roller coaster from hurting so bad. But I am not going to let that get in the way of me being happy and healthy towards my wife. Why would she want to stay with a depressed, pessimistic husband who just cries all the time. And then again, the anti-depressants should help with that as well.<P>Can't wait to get my book already! Might come today or tomorrow, hopefully!

GodlyMan:<P>There is a reason I'm being "negative" with you. Your emotions are swinging from one end of the spectrum (elation that you will recover your marriage) to the other (marriage is doomed). Your behaviors have followed suit accordingly. The emotions are normal---and anyone who has been through this will tell you that. I'm trying to help you get a handle on your behaviors, and "educate" you to the process that affairs normally take (and it's in SAA, so I'll shut up when you get it). I'm also telling you that while you're emotions (and behaviors) may be normal; they may not be the best path to saving your marriage.<P>I don't want you depressed and dour---in fact, I want you upbeat. But I also want you *aware* of what may (and often) happens in situations like this---so you won't be surprised, and so you'll know <B>how to act</B>, as opposed to reacting with emotion. I've also been through this whole deal before---through a very tough set of circumstances---and with the help of Steve Harley. I'm trying to give you the benefit of my experiences here, without it costing you a couple thousand dollars.<P>Plan A isn't a "pushover/doormat" plan. It's a plan that you use---a decision you make. To treat your wife lovingly, while she's having an affair. To consistantly work towards improving your role in the marriage as a husband (no lovebusters, meeting her needs). That's why it doesn't need her buy-in: it's you working on and learning new marital behaviors. Of course, if the affair is over and you both sign on to doing this for each other, it's Harley's "Rules for a Successful Marriage"---and you will very quickly recover this marriage.<P>And that's my hope for you both.

Hi GM,<BR>Just wanted to say that K is trying to help you to see the rollercoaster ride you are in for. It's just the way it is. There will be LOTS of temptation to ride it (emotionally), or you can just stick to a plan regardless of your emotions. Might as well hear what God has to say as HE CHANGES NOT...<P>This situation is no different than any other situation in life where we apply FAITH to the circumstances. We cannot control others, we CAN control ourselves. It's not what happens to us, it's how we take it. God does not override people's free will choices. So while you are waiting (on God), and patiently applying the Harley principles, your wife has some choices to make.<P>K has really been through the ringer and while his situation may differ from yours because everyone is different. It would be like me trying to warn a mom what sort of things she might expect with her premature infant. Everybody's situation is unique, but our twins spent 4 months in the NICU so I know what an emotional rollercoaster ride feels like. The situation and the players are different, but the application of faith and trust in God is the SAME!<P>We can't afford to blame God--asking WHY ME, and we can't afford to be trying to figure out all the answers to every question that crosses our mind. We cannot afford to give in to fear and dread and what if thinking. We cannot afford to hold grudges (faith works by love). It's okay to say "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO?! I'm just going to trust GOD!" The Harley principles are tried and true. Go for it and please don't take offense if someone gives a warning.<P>God knows your situation, He will guide you. Just look at how your wife's affair was exposed in church through prophecy right from the pulpit! YIKES! And still, that didn't grab her attention? So, she is probably one of us knuckleheads who has to learn the hard way! She needs your prayers and in the meantime, pray for yourself too! You're going to make it! Keep the faith!