I am not thinking to do this and wouldn't but sometimes I wonder how many BS spouses some days think of having a revenge affair? It seems like a natural thought. Of course this is not easy anyway, who do you have one with even if you did decide to have one? I know it definitely doesn't help to do this but some days the thought must come up in the BS spouse mind. From what I read on this web site to have a revenge affair always seems to double the disaster the first affair caused.

Don't know what I was going to say now.<p>[This message has been edited by Husband2you (edited July 16, 2001).]

I'll admit it has crossed my mind, usually briefly and seldom now compared to early on, but enough to scare me into being extra cautious with what I allow myself to do, and watching myself very cautiously. I know that we all are capable of it, I don't consider myslf any better than anyone else in this aspect, but I am extremly determined to not make that mistake, I think conciousness makes affair proofing your marriage even more essential, and easier to do. It is essential for both parties involved, definitely.<P>

Rodger,<P>It's funny that you asked this. Less than a week after my H finally admitted to having an EA (that's all he said it was) I went to the beach with a freind. I told her what had happened and she confided to me that her H had had an A a few years ago. <P>They had been to counseling prior and did not go after the A. They moved here and have kind of worked things out, I guess. I think it has been between 2-4 years ago. At the time, I had not found this forum, so I considered her an expert on the subject.<P>What she said really sticks out in my mind. She said "I'll tell you what it really makes you want to go have an affair of my own. I still want to do it." That really scared me. Thank goodness I found this place and the real "experts".<P>Yes, occasionally, I think how nice it would be for someone to desire me. But thanks to MB principles I know what a mistake that would be. Also, it would be kind of hard since I have two boys that are up my a** 24/7. Which BTW is just the way I like it!!! WOW thank goodness I reread this before sending. I just realized how that sounded HA HA. I mean I like having my kids around all the time.<P>R

According to my counselor it is very common 50% -60% of BS's have affairs. The thing to do is not not be in that number.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Yes. Comes up in my mind occasionally . Several different thoughts - I guess it's like "the fog" invading my brain. But then I snap out of it. Would NEVER actually do it!!! Two wrongs don't make a right, and wouldn't solve anything. Plus, we don't want to stoop to their level. I have to even stop myself from "just looking'. I feel my love bank for my H diminishing every time I look or think about it, and then I get sick to my stomach. I'm still married, and I love him!<P>But here's some of my occasional weird thoughts...<BR>"It's not fair - he's out there in the comfort and embraces of another woman's arms, love, fun, dating, sweet-talking, and sex.... I'm alone. Maybe I'll go have some fun too! Just a fling..."<BR>"Well, he thinks he's something - he's proved that someone else finds him attractive. Big boost to his self-esteem! Well, I'll show him - I can find someone too!"<BR>"Well, look at so-n-so (one of my acquaintances) - he went through the same thing with his ex-W a few years ago- he knows how I feel right now - we can comfort each other."<P>Intimate relationships between men and women are inappropriate, and I'm scared to death to become too close emotionally to another man. It's not right! I still love my H and want this marriage to work.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

I thought about it, that's for sure. I even did some chatting online to some men through a personals site. I had been asked out a few times, but couldn't bring myself to even meet for a coffee!<P>Now that I'm in recovery, I cannot tell you how glad I feel about that choice. And within a couple of weeks of me stopping conversations with all of those men, H and I were on the road to recovery. To me that proves that I had been fulfilling the needs of them, and not my H. <P>Karen<BR>

The counseling is going badly<BR>I have about had it<BR>Have been thinking about her and how easy she is to talk to<BR>Have been thinking about it for a year of so<BR>Worked with her a couple of years ago<BR>Last time I saw her she gave me a big hug--also over a year ago<BR>I called her today to tell her about a possible job opening for her to consider transferring to<BR>Before I could say anything, she asked "Are you still married?"<BR>I do not plan to act on her warmth, but it certainly does show how easy it could be<BR>I would never have guessed how closely all of this would bring me to suicidal, homicidal, and affair thoughts.<BR>I am very frustrated with the lack of progress--neither of us have had affairs<BR>My W is so perfect, never any apologies from her, never any forgiveness for mine--it is devastating<BR>Sometimes I think I am strong--other times I believe that I could do something really stupid--but I made it through some crazy teen years AND the 60s--so I remain rather confident<BR>r<BR>

At first out of anger, I told H ok, let me try. H got scared. I tried to setup an account even got a response but did not open it. Guess I just am not good at being a WS. <P>Then the needs started pushing up. I started to feel the need to be needed. Does that make sense? It was not a revenge thing it was a need to be wanted. Not like a common criminal but as a person. So I posted the "I want post". This is not necesarily a wrong thing. It is only natural that we all want to be loved. The point is that we are not willing to stoop to the OP and WS level but the temptation is there like any other. <P>I was angry at the OW for going after my H, but then learned that 'maybe' her H cheated on her. While it gave her no right, there was some understanding. She is still a psyco babble with no remorse over breaking up a family. But she is probably a hurt woman. Nothing worse than a scorned woman. <P>That is why this is such a good site. When we get weak, others are here to either give us a good swift kick back in the right direction or if we fall or slip, others are here to gently help us up. I personally have been the recipient of both. <P>Hope this answers your question Roger. Now if your question was about revenge thoughts on the OP, we could really have a post...... LOL!!! <P>L.<BR>

omg yes

Although there hasn't been a PA my H has basically replaced me with many other women online. The lonelyness of not having any contact with him or anybody is very hard. We have been married for 6 years and am not sure s=what got all this started but it has snowballed to the point of not being anymore than roommates. I even have someone I could go to. i know it would be wrong but a self esteem boost would be nice since I have none left

Rodger,<P>I've never considered it for a minute. My W is the only woman I want to be with. Having an A would make me no better than her, not that I am anyway. I know I could not handle the guilt and would never be able to forgive myself.<P>sad dad

does anyone know of any books or articles that deals with the subject of revenge affairs or betryaed spouses who turn around and have an affair of their own.

The thought did cross my mind but my heart won't go there. Just working to rebuild this marriage is taking all my energies. Don't have anything left for anybody else.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Freddy:<BR><B>The thought did cross my mind but my heart won't go there. Just working to rebuild this marriage is taking all my energies. Don't have anything left for anybody else.<BR> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I know dearly how much pain it would cause and I'm not going there.<P>Bama<BR>

My ex had three affairs in the 80's. We got through them (with the help of God, and I mean literally. I couldn't have done it alone).<P>In year 18 of our marriage (13 years later) I had what can only be termed as a mid-life crisis, and had an affair which resulted in one hop in the sack with the OM. I confessed the same day.<P>My ex decided that this was reason enough to do what he'd been doing before, and turned around and began a succession of affair type situations ("friendships", strip clubs) that culminated in a full on physical affair with a woman he met at his church (one which he wouldn't let me attend -- for obvious reasons).<P>He will tell you that it was MY affair that ended the marriage. Nope! It was his revenge affairs. <P>Make no mistake, it helps nothing. <P>You'd think that I'd be "understanding" because I'd had an affair. Nope, again! To a *point* yes, I could... but where I ended it, he wouldn't end his. He wanted to hang onto the last OW "just in case" and that's just what he did. She is still in his life.<P>

Roger,<P> I did feel that way after about 1 year of Wife's affair. Thought about it so much that I did have a revenge affair. My advice to all of those that become obsessed with the thought is to go file for the big D now. Don't give up your own values trying to accomplish something your can't. <BR>