jdmac,<P>Everyone here is right. If you have concrete knowledge or evidence then you need to tell your friend. Do so gently and perhaps give him a copy of Surviving an Affair and link to this web site. <P>Let him know that you will be there for him as he has been for you.<P>I have several "friends" who knew of my XH's affairs. They did not tell me of their knowledge until after our divorce was final. They are no longer my friends. As far as I am concerned they helped him hurt me by helping him keep his dirty little secret.<P>Z

What if you told your friend's wife what you know and that if SHE didn't tell your friend, then you would and give her a time limit? That way you wouldn't be invading their marriage.<P>But like it has been stated here, you have to be sure you know what you know and you are not gossiping.<P>I found a scripture that has to do with gossip (slander) and it is in Proverbs 26:22, "The words of a talebearer are as wounds, and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly."<P>If you have doubts about getting involved, wait until you have peace. Wisdom's paths are paths of peace. Perhaps it is not God's timing for you to get involved yet. Besides, adulterers don't get away with it. Another scripture says, "...be sure your sin will find you out."<P>See, God has a way of protecting us and sometimes the timing of when we hear devastating news could make all the difference. I would encourage you to go with your gut. If you have doubts, wait until you have peace, then pray about what to do/say, and proceed as the Lord leads.

Okay... this image just popped in my head of you telling your friend and he becoming outraged and doing something illegal or hurtful. <P>Typical warning here I suppose.<P>If he finds out he finds out and he will eventually ... but can you deal with the consequences (sp its late of telling? I think a mediator or counselor, minister... et al. his mother, would be a better deal. Yes.. I'm contradicting myself in regards to another post I made earlier... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/003798.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/003798.html</A> <P>But I had an image in my mind.. Anyhow, A friend telling the unknown BS, can be handled properly, but be careful, people crack. I think that your friend needs to know.<P>H2Y<p>[This message has been edited by Husband2you (edited July 19, 2001).]

This is such a good topic and question,JD. I hope I don't cause any undue confusion, but here is something to think about, too. If you go to your friend and tell him of your suspicions, then you will be placing him in a situation where he has to make a decision or choice. If your suspicions are incorrect, then that could cause a lot of trouble in his marriage. Also, you would probably lose his friendship--I'm sure his W would insist on this.<P>If you are correct in your suspicions, then your friend will have to make a choice. Not only will he have to make a decision regarding his marriage, but he will have to do this in part to save face as well. It's such a horrific experience to face the truth and knowing your friend knows about it brings up all kinds of negative feelings and emotions as well. Remember that old saw about 'killing the messenger?' It's human nature to strike out at someone when we are in great pain, and I'm sure you'd be right in the path of the bullet. <P>I agree with some of the posters here: of course, your friend should know and the sooner the better. However, it has to be done very tactfully (alerting your friend). If his W is messing around, I would think your friend has some hint that things are not as they should be, and being that you are a BS, you could easily use your situation to encourage him to open up to you. You could start talking about your feelings, how you first suspected, coming to the MB and so on. You might throw in a question here and there such as, "What would you do if you thought your W was fooling around like mine did?" Or, you might ask, "If you thought your W was having an affair, how would you feel?"<P>The point is, if you can get him to talk about his feelings, he might use the chance to confide in you. By the way, you said that his W has done this before. Was your friend aware of her past affairs? If he was, he might even welcome the chance to open up to you and get things off his chest. If he was not aware of past affairs, then this will be much harder all the way around. Chances are, if he was oblivious before, he'll be oblivious now. <P>Just remember that once the 'cat is out of the bag', a person is forced into the position of having to make some kind of choice. He is also faced with many negative emotions, some of which may get heaped on the 'messenger.' You have to be ready for that eventuality. <P>My suggestion is, therefore, try getting your friend to talk about his feelings by using your own situation as a spring-board, and give him the opportunity to open up to you, if that is his wish. If not, then he maynot be ready yet and there is always tomorrow or another day.<P>Hugs,<BR>Winny