<p>[This message has been edited by jdmac1 (edited August 04, 2001).]

Wow - unless you're sure the affairs are ongoing, I'd not take a chance.<P>Does this person know of your situation?<P>You can always direct them to MB for general marriage building strategies. If an affair flares in the future, maybe they'll come to MB for help.<P>WAT

humph<p>[This message has been edited by jdmac1 (edited August 04, 2001).]

Wow again. I am certainly not an expert on this stuff. I hope you get more responses. Knowing what I know now about the carnage of affairs, I would have the same concern as you for a good friend.<P>My only idea is, since he's a supporter of you, for you to tell him about the support you've found here. Follow your conscience. We here can't possibly know your personalities or how close you are as friends. For example, if I were you and the other guy was my brother, blood is thicker than mud and I'd not hesitate talking to him if I had a reasonable suspicion. But if it was a neighbor whom I had only a casual friendship with, I think I'd be too chicken to crow. Somewhere between those two extremes lies my threshold for getting involved. A real tough call.<P>I could be all wet on this.<P>WAT

jdmac<P>I tend to agree with WAT, in that if you are sure the A is ongoing, and as close as you are with friend, it may serve to quell his thoughts and fears. I know that my W was worrying herself sick, becoming increasingly paranoid that something was wrong with her, and generally feeling bad because I had great excuses that checked out time after time. The bottom line was, once she knew the truth, it was actually a relief and the recovery could begin. If your friends W has done this in the past, history will most likely repeat itself, and then you can be ready to do as WAT suggested. Tell your friend of the help, advice, and support you have gotten here. Tough call and we all have to make that choice, but in the case of something ongoing, or repeated offenses, I think I would find a way to tell my friend. <P>But, I could be wetter than WAT too.<P>*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*<P>Trueheart

My opinion, and mine only (standard disclaimers apply):<P>If you are sure, tell him.<P>Bama

<BR><p>[This message has been edited by jdmac1 (edited August 04, 2001).]

<p>[This message has been edited by jdmac1 (edited August 04, 2001).]

Put yourself in your friend's position. Would you not want to know that your wife for the past few years have been involved in numerous affairs. It does not make a difference if she in not in one at the present time. Your friend needs to know this information and certainly be able to protect himself for various things. How would you feel about a friend who know about your wife having numerous affairs but never said anything to you because he was afraid it would hurt your marriage. A true friend would tell your friend<BR>because I am sure you would have expected him to impart this information to you if the roles were reversed.

What about confronting your friend's wife? It's another angle to consider.<P>However, if there isn't an A going on now, I'd say not to open up that can of worms. If you knew for sure of something happening at present, then of course you should tell your friend! <P>I view situations like this far differently now then I did before I found out of my H's affairs. I have learned a LOT from MB, and am forever grateful. I know that for myself, if I knew someone was cheating on their spouse I would tell the spouse (that's assuming I actually know the person... grin.). But thankfully, I am not in any position to need to (although I was 2 yrs ago, but that was well before my situation... and I really wanted to say something, but didn't feel it was my place. The WH was found out by his W, and she left him. At least I felt relieved that she did eventually find out).<P>Karen<BR>

JDMAC1,<P>I'm not as well versed on the Good Book as others here, but my interpretation of its words would be;<P>1. Be true to your God and yourself.<BR>2. Live by the Golden Rule.<BR> <P>IMHO you are not bringing pain to your friend by sharing the truth. Someone else has brought that pain into his life and he may not be aware of it yet. As a BS I can say that I wish I had found out sooner, the more of my life that I believed to be good and true that I had to rewrite and recast myself as a pawn in a soap opera the more painful it was. <P>If your knowledge of his W is fairly current (less than 1 year) and you're not engaging in this sharing under a cloak of misery loves company, then I would tell him. I would also limit your conversation to only the recent past.<P>It may take some time, but a good friend will understand. I think I would also have the "is you spouse having an affair checklist" available to let him take a gander at. <BR>

<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by jdmac1 (edited August 04, 2001).]

I sure wish my friend would tell my things like that. A's are serious business. IMHO If you are sure she did or is, you need to tell your friend. STD's are serious business (read that STD post that is active right now). Yes, it will be hard to tell him, and will be a hard road for him and his family, but will the A's continue if someone doesn't bring it into the light? He who walks in darkness cannot walk in the light. You have a dark secret, and you are keeping your friend in the dark. My opinion and interpretation of being a Christian friend. Be his "brother" and help him through this. Lead him to us first if you can, and hopefully he can recognize the A's and/or the problems in the marriage himself. What if he found out about it one day and it was too late to save his marriage, and then what if he found out YOU knew and didn't tell him?<P>And as far as leading him to MB, just tell him what great information is here for any marriage - not just troubled marriages - or maybe he can read the stuff to understand the principles you are going by - as a support to you. <P>Just my opinion. Pray about it. Can you ask someone trustworthy - a leader - in your church?<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

Oh and by the way....just a little aside...<P>Good luck in your endeavors as well...we wish you nothing but the best!!<P>Trueheart

You could say you have a friend (which is not a lie) and in theory ask him if his wife had A, would he want to know?<P>Concerning the Good Book, I believe a lie by omission is the same as a straight out lie, but you could use it in another circumstance to get opposite opinion for example if you felt your wife was getting fat, would you tell her so as not to lie?<P>I believe a good friend would tell, if I found out my friend knew and said nothing that would be the end of that friend.<P>I like the idea of directing him to this site like--wow, you wouldn't believe this site I found on rebuilding marriages, it sounds great, but would you take a look at it and let me know what you think about it?

<p>[This message has been edited by jdmac1 (edited August 04, 2001).]

Hi,<P>Just getting in on this thread, but my personal feelings are that, I wish I had a friend that would have told me. Of course my H knows we have friends like that, that is why he was sooo secretive. <P>I would not confront the W. Too many risks. I would direct him to this site and say you would like to show him how you have been helped. Do you know if his W's As were PA's? If yes, then speak to him about the importantance of getting checked. Speak in the 3rd person until he gets it. If your W had a PA and you had to get checked then use yourself as an example. You can even ask during this type of conversation how he would want to be treated if he were in your shoes. Then it might give you an idea how to proceed. <P>In other words, get his input. That will direct how you handle yours. <P>L. <P>

The more I think about this, the more I can envision being in your shoes and realizing the lose/lose result of not telling.; For me, it comes down to how sure I was about the facts.<P>I confided my situation to some of my closest married friends, with the recommendation that they not neglect their marriages and never underestimate the carnage that an affair can bring. I don't have suspicions about affairs among them, but I don't know for sure.<P>If you do nothing else, maybe relate to your friend that it can happen to anybody and prevention in the form of stronger relationships is warranted for every marriage.<P>WAT

I don't know what I would do, if I were you. But, you should consider a few things. First, your friend may know or have some inkling of something going on and refuse to believe or persue it. It may be something that they as a couple are already dealing with and your "knowing" about it could be perceived as an invasion into their marriage. Therefore, telling him of your suspicions, could prove disastrous to your friendship. Also, if you don't know for sure and you tell him, will it cause her to resent you when she finds out that you think she is an adultrous spouse, or will you all get a big laught out of it? If she's not (or even if she is) it is in all likelyhood going to create some conflict between the three of you. My advice would be to make sure you know what you're talking about before you tell either of them, and be prepared for some kind of backlash when you do. <P>Another solution you might think about is to subtly try recommending one of the books here, specifically <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>His Needs, Her Needs</A> and say something like how its a great book that's really helped you and your marriage and mention that there's a website too. I am currently reading this one and it gives a lot of insight on how affairs happen and how to prevent them from happening. It could open his eyes to some things that he hasn't realized, and with any luck maybe his wife will read it and open her up to some things too. It's worth a shot.<P>This is a sticky situation, not one in which I envy you the least. Whatever you choose, be very careful about how you do it, and best wishes. Let us know what happens.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Rocko (edited July 18, 2001).]

Nope, you All sure don't make it easy on a person. Thanks again Everyone.