OK, Sunshine, I normally don't respond to posts about situations I haven't been involved in, but I think you need an objective voice here.<P>Many folks here are dealing with raw hurts, and when a post like yours comes around, it just opens their own wounds again. I don't fault them for that, and neither should you. My H's EA (no PA) was three years ago, we are recoverED, and so I can speak without pain. This is what I wish for all MB-ers, including you.<P>If you could clarify something for me:<P>You mention that your OM left his wife and children to be with you, and yet you say in a later post that he's divorced. I'm thinking that he got back with ex-W because she was pregnant, and they were together and attempting to reconcile when he left her, is that right?<P>Here's what I see in your situation:<P>1) These two statements reveal a fairly profound level of narcissism in your personality: "I can't say that anyone has ever been that strong and not backed down after seeing me at such a low point" and "I need someone that will put their needs aside for the sake of mine"<P>Sunshine, your H has been putting his needs aside for the sake of yours since he found out about the A, trust me. Trust the BS's who have told you how hard it is to "kill the spouse with kindness", as you put it. Your need, in his mind, has been to continue the A until it runs his course. This has been excruciating for him, especially with a child involved, but HE HAS STOOD BY YOU. If, as you say, he no longer wants to work on the marriage, it's because you seem bound and determined to leave. Plan B time, as we say here.<P>That you say no one has ever been that strong and not backed down to you means that you've always gotten your own way. Right now, you're frustrated because neither your H (by sticking with you) nor your OM (by getting cold feet) is falling for your manipulations. And yes, I mean manipulations. That sentence is fraught with subtext.<P>And cold feet is exactly what your OM has. That he backed away from you once before means that he has doubts. You say he "came to his senses" and realized he loves you. Perhaps his W is not as able as your H to forgive and forget, and he ran to you to cling to the only thing he has left...then realized that a) he misses his family; and b) he knows you better than you think and he realizes that at the first sign of trouble, you'll scream at him, "You made me do this!"<P>My advice to you, Sunshine, is this. Please get some help. My own nickel diagnosis is that you have some degree of narcissistic personality disorder. Everything with you is me, me, me, me. This is a hard thing to admit to oneself, that one has an illness. My mother has borderline personality disorder, which is even worse, and I have traces of it myself. Therapy helps. It does. You may end up with neither your H nor your OM, but you will be HEALTHY. Right now your illness, or at the very least, your emotional baggage, is not allowing you to make the appropriate decisions. Please seek a good cognitive therapist.<P>
