Well be ready for the moral support H!! <P>I love it when a plan comes together!! Its sort of neat watching growth and strength happen in people you come to care about!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you dream of!*<P>Trueheart

A letter I think I need to send...<P>My W,<BR> <BR>I'm sorry that your sister and OM are freaking out. <BR> <BR>Their problem with your sister and OM is with themselves and what they are afraid of is that they are going to lose you if I am there for you or with you, whether a friend or a husband. What they don't realize, is that you and I need to take care of ourselves first without influence from them, so we can find who we are, finally, for once in our lives. My family needs to back off telling me where live and who to be with. Your family needs to back off also. OM needs to back off turn, around and walk away, before he gets hurt emotionally. Tell him the to get a DNA test, and let you and I finish our marriage in a decent friendship over time for C and D. What they all need to understand is that we are going to be friends forever and they will have to live with that. I, to, don’t want anything to come between you and I as friends and I will fight that till the end. To those who don’t understand that, then our children need NOT be allowed around them. The same rules apply to my family. We have children together and everyone needs to back off. Let us have peace in these trying days. Let us find who we are individually and let us be friends again.<P>Right now we need to be doing something about ourselves. Our paths may take us separate directions, one day. But those paths might lead us back to one another again, to what will be a stronger you and a stronger me. I hope this for all the boys, building a stronger family, stronger parents, a stronger marriage and a lifelong friendship where you and I know what we want and convey through friendship and communication, raising the boys in unison and harmony. That is what I want after you and I find our selves. If it happens then we will be very happy together, as well as the boys. If we don’t, then we will walk away from a train wreck and everyone will be okay. Right now the way things have gone and are going; you and I will never have peace in knowing whether or not we made the right decisions. <P>The result of what our marriage wasn’t shouldn’t be staked upon the influences from others, who are making demands and want us to be theirs. We could leave each other that way, but we really couldn’t be friends. We would always wonder. Do this the right way, and if we can’t be together as husband and wife, then I know that at least you did it alone and I did it alone, and you’ll know the same. I will have found me and you will have found you. There wasn’t someone else standing there molding you or me into what they thought we were or should be. If we do this right, we will know that we grew as individuals and learned who we were, what mistakes we made and fix them before we involve someone else. And that is what our kids need. None of them need to worry about who mom and dad are with, right now. We aren’t protecting their feelings and emotions. You have your house and I will have mine soon, where we can be with our kids and not have to worry about whom the other is with, and what influences that is going to make in their lives. You didn’t need an OM and I didn’t need an OW to fix our marriage. What we needed was to fix ourselves, and we didn’t do that. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t love you and you didn’t love me. We still loved what each other were, but we loved incomplete people. I love who you are and you love who I am, we didn’t love ourselves like we should, and that is the problem. We got tired of that and all this mess happened. Its repairable, but only when we both take the initiative to fix our selves.<P>We are married but separated, and neither you nor I are going to find our selves with someone attached to our arms. What we both need individually of each other is to be enthusiastic about each other finding who we are by ourselves and alone, be friends, supportive of one another and not hurting each other with OP in our lives. The worries of OP and what they do to us, and to our hearts, only put us in a position to meet their needs. It takes away from what our children need right now. I saw what having an OW did to C and D, even if it was only for a few weeks. I stopped what I was doing for them, for me to find myself, and for you. You and I supporting other people while we haven’t found our selves completely yet is going to hinder us finding our true self. When you have found you and I have found me, our children will respect us for what we make of ourselves on our own, and when we finally decide what we are going to do with our marriage. Doing it this way, we can close the final chapter knowing that we did the right thing for everyone, without anyone in the wind. That final chapter may close with us married, or with us divorced, but regardless we will have found out who we really are.<BR> <BR>In essence I am letting you go, not as my wife, not as my friend, not to be with OM, but to find yourself.<P>We both changed over the years and haven’t been very good to each other.<P>During that time you were always afraid of me leaving you during the past 3 years and moving on to a better me, and finding someone else.<P>I am more afraid of you finding yourself, and moving on to something or someone better also. OM is not my worries, he’s just part of the problem in you, the boys, and I all healing the way we need to. I have nothing but time and I know that you won’t settle for him. I know you all to well.<P>You would have thought the same thing about OW. And you would have told me that she wasn’t right for the boys or me. As a friend I will listen to you and what you have to say. I know you would have told me that I was making a bad decision with her, and out of respect for me and the happiness of the boys. I came to realize that, in such a short time on my own. I wondered how you would approve, and realized that you wouldn’t. And whatever happens to us in the future, you will be the one that I come to when I need advice. Only you and I know what’s best for C and D. OM and OW aren't the people that either one of us want for them. Those are the kind of decisions that we have to make together for now, each day, until they are grown.<P>With both of them, there is nothing there. No aspirations, and no future. You’ve told me about OM and how you know this won’t last with him. He is way beneath you and will only drag you down to where you won’t know who you are again. I know you don’t want to be his wife as you have said.<P>You know where I will be when I find me and I know where you will be when you find you. If we are worthy of one another then, C and D will be in the best place they can. I wish that S and C could have had this chance, which we can give to C and D right now. When OM gets the DNA test done, then let him be whoever he has to be. If he chooses to be a dad and a father, then let him. I will stand beside you on that decision. But I want to see us do this on our own first. That is the way it should be, without him, without my family and without yours. For all of the boys, we have an opportunity to make things right with each and everyone of them. They are watching us.<P>Both my friendship and our marriage are at risk right now. Am I afraid of losing you forever as a friend? Yes. Am I afraid to be without you as my wife? No.<P>Your Husband and Friend<p>[This message has been edited by Husband2you (edited July 25, 2001).]

The heavens are opening.. <P>I just did my evening phone call with her and the boys.<P>Great news.. I think.. <P>She and I were talking about her counseling with her and my SC. We were talking like old times again.. just not about us. <P>Well she tells me that she sat her sister down and then talked to the OM. <P>She basically came to the same solution that we put together right her.. I almost wanted to ask her if she had been reading this thread.. but I hadn't posted my letter yet.<P>So, she and I basically just outlined everything you all and I have been doing all day.<P>She only wants the OM to be there as a friend and father to the baby. It won't be in the same capacity that her Ex is... because she doesn't have those kind of... complete feelings with the OM as she did with her ex and with me. <P>She told me that. I'm so excited!<P>She didn't understand why her feelings were different with the OM than they were with her ex and I. I tried to explain it this way. When she was married to her ex.. no matter how good or bad it was.. they had 100 percent of each other. Then I said that she and I had the same 100 percent given. On the other hand, I told her, the OM never could get her 100 percent because she still had feelings for me. <P>She said that there were things that she knew as a mother that he had that were wonderful, as being a good daddy.. <P>Then she said that there were things that she knew as a woman that she couldn't put up with.. and that's the type of relationship he has with a woman.<P>She said they are not having Sex. But he wants her to tell me that she wants him, because he thinks that. I asked her if she felt that way and she said "No... I know this isn't going anywhere."<P>Well she wants to try this on her own with no man in her life. She wants to be friends to all of us.. but she has a little more of a special place in her heart for me but she doesn't know why. <P>She said that we can have pajama parties and be really good friends. I told her that that is what we needed to do for right now and find ourselves.. She said that she is sooo happy with her job. I mentioned that the OM in our talk on Monday, said that he always sees her with a smile on her face now.. I never got to say what I wanted cause he wouldn't let me finish.. but I told her tonight. W.. the reason that your smiling and enjoying life right now is because you are starting to find who you are. Your job, your house and your kids are all of that. We kinda laughed that the OM thought it was all him.. but I know and she knows differently, because she was just as happy, before he got there. That was probably the best talk I have had with her in 9 months. I could feel the honesty, and sincerity in her voice. <P>Time to go..I told her that we needed to have more talks like this because our children needed us to figure out what we are doing with our lives, regardless whether or not she and I are going to be together. I told her.. after all that is what we were put her for.<P>Okay.. now the underlying image is still there. The OM is still living in the house and she said that she would like nothing better to do than get him a house, across town, and make sure he is alright, because she does still care about him. But that she knew it only could be as friends while letting him be a father to the baby. (I left it at that).. <P>okay.. if the baby is his.. and the chances are mostly in his favor here.. that it is, then he has a responsibility to be the babies father. Now if I don't do anymore than plan a.. and we are seperated, and he is in his own place and there is still 'contact' that I won't see or know about.. now what? Everytime.. it comes back to something else. Damn!<P>------------------<BR>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' © 2001 O-Town<P>[This message has been edited by Husband2you (edited July 25, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Husband2you (edited July 25, 2001).]

Husband2You:<P>Baby steps...I am happy for you...but go slowly...you didn't get here overnight and it won't get fixed overnight...<P>Keep these four agreements for me ...<P><I> Be impeccable in your word.<BR>Don't take anything personally.<BR>Don't make any assumptions.<BR>Do your best always. </I><P>Finally,<BR>Live in the Word and have Faith.<P><I> With God ALL things ARE possible.</I><P>Cali

Hi H2U,<P>Good letter. Your choice of words hit the core. Hope your W appreciates what it took to get this letter. She has a way to go. You are a loving husband to offer to be there to be her friend. Your sons have a good father. <P>Take Care and all the best. <BR>L.<BR>

SnL, STL or any other WS ?? What do you think?<P><P>------------------<BR>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' © 2001 O-Town

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Freddy can you review my letter? Also look at this, please: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011038.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011038.html</A> <P>------------------<BR>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' © 2001 O-Town<p>[This message has been edited by Husband2you (edited July 27, 2001).]

H2Y,<P>I'm working through the letter and your last postings, looks good. Give me a little time and I'll come back with some thoughts.<P>talk later,<P>Freddy

Thanks Freddy,<P>I'm off to bed.. gotta get a little sleep<P>Remember, that I'm going to go visit her, the baby and her SC this weekend.. so after tonight.. I'll be at a kinko's <P>------------------<BR>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' © 2001 O-Town

H2Y,<P>I read your letter a couple of times through and this is so very difficult to comment on or advise on. Very difficult. However, I’ll give it a shot and if I’m way-off base please don’t be mad at me. I also didn’t realise your situation was as complicated as it is – talk about being between a rock and hard place. Man, compared to you my situation is a walk in the park.<P>Ok, so, here goes. First off, you’ve made some assumptions in the letter which – although they may or may not be true – they’re your perspective and not your wife’s. In which case they may show some disrespect and that you’ve not understood her. Could be major LBs. I’d keep away from these and try and frame questions to her.<P>The letter is also quite complicated to read and this means that your messages get lost. What is it that you really want to say – try and summarise it in a couple of lines. I must admit, I was a little confused by what you’d written.<P>So, here’s my attempt at what I think you’re trying to say but please don’t be too upset with me because it is quite short. If I was you, I’d send the note with a bunch of 6 red roses – if the OM isn’t freaked out now, he will be once she receives this. Remember, anything you can do to cause him to LB strengthens your position as her harbour. <P>Good luck my friend and here's my attempt.<P><BR>My W,<P>It’s difficult for me to understand what’s happening in your life at the moment but I want you to know that I’m here for you if you ever want to talk. It’s ok for me if you want to do this a friend. I’m not expecting or wanting more from you than you are willing to give. You’re very important to me and the boys and we need you to take care of yourself. I want to help if you think I can.<P>Right now, I’m working on me. I want you to know this. I want to be stronger and I want to build a stronger family. I want to be a stronger Dad and I’d like to be a stronger husband but I’m also prepared for a lifelong friendship. Once I’m there, I’d like to raise the boys in unison and harmony. If possible, with you by my side. <P>Right now, the way things have gone and are going, I will never have peace in knowing whether or not we made the right decisions. I just want you to know, that I’m here for you whatever happens.<P>Take care,<P>H2Y<P>