I guess I'm just bumping you up a little for some other opinions. I know time is limited, as sd is coming home tomorrow. I wish I knew some answers for you. Take a deep breath. It will work out ok - whatever happens tomorrow. In the whole scheme of things, tomorrow is just a speed bump to get over.<P>I'm tempted to tell you to go along with her plan - but that is really wimpy of me, and probably the wrong answer. I tend to procrastinate when it comes to doing tough stuff - I put things off as long as I can, hoping the situation will improve or change, or that I will think of a better way. I also like to keep peace. You know it's an option to do it her way, so I'm not telling you anything you haven't already thought of. <P>I know someone else said earlier, and it's really true, that lying to kids about it really wrong. Kids know when something is wrong, especially if you two are not in agreement on how to handle it. <P>Maybe you could think this through a little more - all the possibilities... What's the worst that could happen? 1. What if you force the issue and insist on telling the truth? 2. Think through her plan - what's the worst that could come from that? Would it be so bad? 3. What if you insist that you and W talk in the morning, because you feel strongly against lying to a child. Then, present your "case" calmly and our of genuine concern for SD, and the best interest of W in the long run. Be sure to leave YOUR needs out of it.<P>I've been working on this reply so long, I'm sure you've already gotten some good responses by now - but anyway - here's my 2 cents that might help a tad. and points I hope you'll ponder anyway. <P>BTW,, yes.. Plan A sux - it really does. but remember the bamboo tree.... we won't know how tall the tree will be for a little while - keep watering.<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited July 27, 2001).]

Thanks you guys...<P>Since I haven't heard from her, I will call in the morning and talk to her before SD comes home, which is supposed to be around lunch time.<P>One factor at play here is that XH has in the past suggested a custody change. He knows W and I are getting separated, and I think he's weighing his options considering the circumstances. My W is obviously not wanting to send her a over there on Tuesday upset.<P>I don't know that telling SD tomorrow is the best idea... Pushing the issue will cause problems. I just am really hurt by my W suggesting that I lie to my SD just so I don't stay at the house this weekend. Why is it so horrible for me to be there with her? I mean, this is HER lie... why should I have to do this?<P>I just don't know what's happening with us. She appears to just be stringing me along, manipulating my <BR>Plan a efforts... She told me this past week that her relationship with OM is far from solid... But then why is she with him EVERY night? We don't talk about us, about working on the marriage, about family, anything. I don't know what it's going to be like when SD finds out... how much I'll be at the house, etc.<P>Thanks so much for your help... you guys are the best.<P>zen

You know faith brings up an excellent and very Harley idea. Get out a list of secarios and practice policy of joint agreement negotiating on her for the subject! Plan A includes POJA and radical honesty- great idea and possible good solution to be found still! <P>

<"Plan a efforts... She told me this past week that her relationship with OM is far from solid... But then why is she with him EVERY night? "><P>Have you read Surviving an affair yet? If not you really must. I put it off a long time, figured I got the jist from the site, but I am reading it now and itjust answers so many questions. If you haven't you really need to read this.<P>

Yes. She seems to be string you along and take advantage of your niceness. But plan A is not about HER (small kick in the butt - which you seem to enjoy from time to time ). it is about YOU. And becoming a better person - a better H - and putting her needs above yours. Keep that in perspective when thinking about what's "fair" and what you want. Don't expect her to want to talk about you and the marriage. it's too soon. You've just now separated, and she needs time to think, and yes - to spend time with OM without her facing the feeling like it's in your face. Don't try to figure out why she wants to be with him - why did she want him in the first place? it's fog, and she is waffling. She doens't SAY that she thinks about you and wondering "what if zen has really changed?" - but she thinks about it. Keep Plan A'ing. You'll get her attention soon enough.<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited July 27, 2001).]

zen:<P>A tough pickle. But, based on being the BS (my exW) and the fact that the kids knew what was going on (sort of), I refused to cover for her.<P>I had a long talk about affairs and lying to cover up. That it was better out in the open, so that they could get over the hurt and not be trapped in a web of lies and deceit.<P>Was the exW furious when she found out? Yep. LB'ed for sure (that was pre-Harley and MB for me). But children are victims too. Dependant on age, tell her in terms she can handle. Tell her that you are trying to be fair for her, that YOU will be there for her whenever she wants to talk, etc. But no bashing of your wife. Keep it straight-forward, loving and sympathetic.<P>Godspeed and prayers with all of you,<BR>STL

Zen, <P>I guess I feel like a dissenting voice here, but I think that W gets what she wants, you get nothing and nobody puts SD first at this point! Being a teacher, I see kids everyday, and one thing I know for sure...We as adults/parents do not give these kids enough credit!! They are smarter than we think, sometimes smarter than we are. They understand and see much more than we believe. We are under the presumed notion that, for a child, leaving them in the dark and/or protecting them by telling them nothing, helps them. Nothing could be further from the truth!<P>I have a couple of thoughts here, like others, but I am coming from a different angle. I could care less what W thinks is an LB right now. She is thinking of her own issues, her guilt, her being with OM, her lies...her, her, her. What about YOU and SD????? Her fog is too deep to even cut with a knife!<P>First off, I dont think lying to your SD teaches her anything except how to lie? That is the lesson she is learning from her mother right now. I am not a bit surprised her biological father is considering a change in custody. If nothing else, it gives her a chance, with all that is going on for some stability. I do not know all the circumstances, but that young lady is going to feel like a football when this is all done. There isnt enough love for her right now in order for her to be ok, especially in the three days your W will give her to *get over it* before school starts. What the hell is that all about?? That young lady deserves the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Your W has only her self serving personal guilt soothing session going. <P>I wouldnt give a darn right now about LBing your W. She is setting you up to go along with another dirty secret of hers. I doubt, very seriously, if you two are going to agree on what to tell SD anyway. She is NOT going to want to tell her the truth. She is going to want to concoct another story to sooth her ego and guilt and not look bad to her SD. Please tell me you aren't going to go along with that idea!! Your SD deserves the truth, and I doubt she will get that from her mother! And your MIL will go along with whatever your W wants so she doesnt make waves in this. <P>I guess the bottom line for me is...<P>You deserve the house, to be there. It is yours too, right? She is using it as a haven for being able to come and go as she pleases. She has you out, she can be with OM when she wants, talk to you when she wants, and be alone when she wants. I am sure the money could be used for something more important as well, such as bills or SD?? If she wants OM, tell her to go be with him, and when she wants the house, and you, and SD, she can come back. I think you are right. You are being used and have become her doormat. The *you are being so wonderful* routine is a great ploy to get you to continue doing whatever she needs. She knows you cant say no to her right now, so she uses that against you. She is very calculating, from what I read in your posts. <P>Your SD deserves the truth, she deserves time with you, unencumbered by her mother, who is in the fog. Go to the house, be with her and enjoy her. Two weeks is longer than it should be, and she misses you!!!! Do what is right for that young lady!! Go and show her your love. Even if you dont tell her anything, she deserves your love. That is something your W isnt willing to give her, but she cant stop you from doing it. <P>I am sorry for sounding judgemental or angry toward your W. When it comes to your child, your W is not being fair to anyone except herself. I know, from experience, what it is like to miss your child. Mine lives out of state since Mom met a man with money and moved. I cannot afford to go and see him, but we talk every week! He knows my love for him, but questions it sometimes because I cant go to him more. Dont let that happen when she lives near you!!!!! Take control and let your love for her guide you! Dont give in to the lies and manipulations of a WS (with influence from OM, I am sure) that is thinking selfishly.<P>Sorry this is so long, Zen. You have a lot of great suggestions here. I know you will do what is best for you and SD after you look at it. Best of luck with your decision. <P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

Unbelieveable.<P>zen, you're a smart guy. It's clear to me that you're weighing all the options in a rational manner. But, please don't doubt Plan A. It's counterintuitive in many respects.<P>Want to make a bold move? Move back to your house. Many of us advised you from the beginning not to move out. I can't remember all the legal situation, but unless you're already committed by some binding agreement, please think about it.<P>This makes her poop or get off the pot. If she poops, she runs the big risk of having her xH get the upper hand in a custody dispute. And, sorry to say this, maybe he IS the better parent right now and SHOULD have more control.<P>WAT