dumplin, you did your post to Terri and your link correctly. Way to go!<P>go ahead and scream - its ok. Just not at him. Outside, or alone in the car, or vent here anytime. No, you are NOT a fool for trying. Just read the stories here, there's lots of us that are fools... er.... I mean that are trying. <P>YOu will do fine. Read all you can about EN's and LB's. Yes, your H is confused. Take that as a positive. At least he didn't say - OK, I'm done. Bye! <P>Patience. ok? My biggest lesson I had to learn. Give this some time. And keep posting. <p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited August 03, 2001).]

I'm so glad someone answered me. I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself, getting drunk with HIS beer. LOL!! That's my revenge--drink all his beer. It's petty I know, but what else can I do?? At least I can smile now. Don't know how to make a smiley face on here for ya.<P>I've decided snooping just works against me so against my better judgement and my overwhelming need to know, I'm not doing it anymore. I mean what good does it do anyway???

Okay everyone, here goes. I'm wavering really bad. Sometimes, I just want to quit. Sometimes I want to strangle him. Since the kids went to sleep an hour ago, I've been sitting here at the computer for over an hour posting, reading posts, checking to see if anyone is replying to my posts so what does that say?<P>Yes, Faith I feel like screaming. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I love him so much and I am trying to show him. I'm so tired though and I wonder if I have enough strength to get through this. And no, I haven't even finished one beer yet--they taste like crap!! I just sometimes wonder even if I do work my b*tt off, will it matter. While he e-mailed me today thanking me for letting him know about the finances, he was online in the chat rooms again (a big LB of mine). We've had problems with chat rooms since we got this computer two years ago. He likes to flirt with women. He's even called a couple of them in the past. Plan A'ing things I removed the blocking software giving him his space. Look where that got me. He's up to that crap again.<P>Sorry to sound so negative--I'm just wondering why I try. Remember though at the same time, I'm clicking all over threads reading as much as I can.<P>I wonder who is more confused in our relationship right now??????

I just read the article on "no contact" letters and discovered I have really screwed up in the past. Should I e-mail this article to H or not? Right now, he says he doesn't know what he wants. I wish I had the money to see Dr. Harley myself. Does he do any pro bono work? We are constantly broke and can't afford counseling and feed the kids at the same time. I'm not sure if he would even go or not (he says he doesn't need it. If I would straighten myself up he would straighten himself up with no problems.) I think it would help H to understand how I'm feeling if he read this article. I don't know. He won't promise not to talk to OW now anyway.

Since you are in the reading mood... here's a link you might like...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010136.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010136.html</A> <P>YOu might also enjoy the story posted by dlm. Scroll down and look for a post by gdc, titled Questions fo dlm. It's very encouraging about recovery after an affair.<P>Yes you are right. If you wil set the example and make improvement to yourself, you H may decide to do it as well. <P>P.S. When you are typing a message, look to the left. THere's link that says Smilies Legend. CLick on that and it wil show you how to make smilies.

The big problem is the affair isn't over so I can't begin recovery. I will go read the links though. Thanks.

Hello dumplin-<P>I read through your post rather quickly, but it sounds as if you are struggling with plan A...<P>Just briefly, I am in plan A, my H and I have been married 12 yrs, together 15, we have 3 children. D-day was April 25...from d-day on he continued to live at home and have contact with OW...I found MB the first part of May and started plan A...it was a constant struggle. H moved out, and I use that term loosely, the end of June...plan A became much easier as IT was not in my face all the time.<P>What I have learned...what H does is not about me...it is about him and his struggle. I cannot control how fast or slowly he struggles with his inner demons. I cannot slant life towards me or family...I have to give him space...<P>I put information in his path and pray he reads it. I listen without responding (HARD!!!). I don't try to fix his problems...just be there for him to support him.<P>What is about me is my actions and my words. What I do and say is about me. I have to be true to me without intentionally hurting others. I can be honest, but I do not have to be judgemental and I do not have to be a victim.<P>From quickly reading your posts, you are trying really hard...and your is is saying the same things many WS's say, including mine.<P>I have felt like giving up so many times...and I am so glad I haven't. Even if my H and I do not stay married (and, I am hopeful today that that isn't the case), I am in such a better place than I was before.<P>I can't post more, because I am at my sister's on our way home from vacation. But I will be back tomorrow...<P>Life is a journey...take time to enjoy the view.<BR>Cali<P>

I'm so thankful for all of you trying to help me. I appreciate you are all so encouraging. I've never went through anything like this before-I've always been the strong one and wouldn't let anyone hurt me. Now, I'm stuck where I wish he would quit hurting me, but I can't bring myself to give up completely. I guess that means I still have enough to continue Plan A. Please don't get tired of me because I'm going to take all the encouragement in the world. I'm either p*ssed or crying. Usually p*ssed first. Since I'm posting now though I can reign in my emotions when H is here and I'm faced with problems. Today, I practically ran to this forum though needing someone to talk to. H doesn't like me talking to family or friends about this, but he told me he's fine with me being in here (as long as I make sure everyone knows I'm not perfect either - his words).

I completely understand...I'm not sure I would have made it w/out these forums...when I look back at my posts as InShockInCali, I am amazed at how far I have come...then I thought I would die...or at least be better off...though I never said so...<P>Then, I became StrongerInCali...the change was subtle, but I could deal with things better (I went on Celexa) and even could post advice to others...<P>My H and OW discovered my username and didn't like what I was posting, so I went undercover...but that didn't work either...finally I have decided I have nothing to hide so I am JustPlainCali...<P>Keep posting here...do some reading, if you can...I started with the Harley's books, then I read <I> The Prayer of Jabez </I> and <I>Secrets of the Vine </I>, I went to Dr. James Dobson's <I> Love Must Be Tough </I> and <I> Power of a Praying Wife </I>. My lastest books are by don Miguel Ruiz, <I> The Four Agreements </I> and <I> The Mastery of Love </I>. (I am a teacher so when I need to find out something I read--A LOT!)<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Faith,<P>I just finished reading the link you posted for me. It made me cry, but it also made me realize why I do keep trying. Thank you for the reminder.<P>Anna

Hi, Dumplin,<P>Wow ... sounds like you and your husband have been through the ringer!<P>You have gotten fabulous advice from everyone so far. With Plan A, once you have figured out WHAT to do, the keys are patience and consistency. Everyone occasionally falls off the Plan A wagon, but the fewer times that happens, the better.<P>Another thing to remember is "baby steps"... for some of us, recovery happens in tiny increments and it is incredibly frustrating - we are so close to the situation that we are not seeing the forward movement. Keep posting here, and we will be able to point to the forward movement and help you see that you are still making progress, even when it feels like you aren't!<P>To sum up Plan A:<P>1 - Eliminate love busters.<BR>2 - Attempt to meet emotional needs where possible.<BR>3 - Work on YOU.<P>Sounds simple - but it DOES require that we think before speaking and acting. I know for me, that was the hardest thing to do. Remember that you are making the marriage a safe and comfortable place for your husban to be. And remember that the behaviors you use to Plan A MUST be ones that you can continue throughout your lives together.<P>Hope I've added something that is helpful to you!<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

I'm trying my best to stay on Plan A. We had a wonderful morning today. He came in from work at about 4:30 and had had a terrible night. I let him vent and told him I was sorry he had such a bad night. He then asked me if I minded if he slept on the couch. (We've both been sleeping in the living room for the past two or three weeks, don't ask me why--I don't know.) Since last Sunday, he has been sleeping on the love seat and he told me he was tired of being cramped up. I told him it was fine, but I really didn't want to move. He said it was fine with him if I stayed on the couch also. He got on the couch and HE started sexual advances. We haven't had *** (I read the post about little eyes and ears) since that Sunday night. We actually did it TWICE this morning with him starting it both times. I'm not sure really what brought it about, but he used to say he could only perform once in a 24 hour period. Needless to say, I'm thrilled about that. I have one problem though. I backslid on my not snooping and found a note in his pants. There is no signature, but it's not OW's handwriting. I'm not sure who's handwriting it is, but it talks about even when "we are having problems, I look back and remember the way we used to be." It does not look like his handwriting either. It's a little confusing because the ending just says with all my love. No name or anything. I don't know whether I'm bothered by it or not. I'm basically confused by it. Mainly because it looks like a guy's handwriting. That would be GREAT--wouldn't it?? Part of me thinks it may be a rough draft of a letter written to me because it talks about the old times and memories. I'm feeling more lost than ever now. Any thoughts? He's waking up--I'll be back on later.

I'm back. I broke down and reread that letter. It still doesn't make any sense. It's not her handwriting and I don't think it is his. Is there any girl somewhere out there? I can't get over the fact that it looks like a man's handwriting though. I copied the letter so I could remember exactly what it said.

Man, am I an idiot!! I reread that letter again and finally to it to MIL. She took one look at it and said it looks like song lyrics in a letter form. H is the lead singer in a band. Some friend of his or someone at a show probably same him that paper as a song. I feel like a fool, but I feel much better now. I took a look at it and when you read it line by line the words rhyme.

Could someone explain to me why I'm supposed to give H his space and not stick "my head up his butt" by asking who he was talking to on the phone, but he can ask me who I was talking to or who I'm hanging around with? Everytime I get off the phone, I get the third degree, but I can't ask him a word about who he's talking to. I can't even walk down the hall to go to the bathroom when he's on the other phone in his office without him saying I'm up his butt.

I know how it unfair it seems - or rather how unfair it really is...but you have to remeber the ultimate goal.<BR>Your H is in "the fog" and probably feeling a lot of underlying guilt. The guilt is manifesting itself in his suspicions of you. He probably figures since he is up to no good you could be too.<P>Keep up the plan A and in time he will be more open and honest about his dealings and will not be "up your butt" as much as he accuses you of. LOL<P>I found that the more open my H became as his fog cleared the less I needed to know what was going on...I mean if he isn't hicing stuff what would there be to snoop right?<P>Time and patience are the key, even though it is hard and at times you will feel like you've run out...always remember to breathe...patience.<P>

Does it go against Plan A for me to ask him if he's talked to her or who he's talking to on the phone??? He doesn't offer any information unless I ask so I'll never know unless I ask or I call OW.

Dumplin,<P>Don't ask him about anything to do with OW. Leave that alone. If he offers to talk about it, good, but just listen and do not LB. I know this is not what we want to do by nature, but if you ask him about OW, he'll more than likely be on the defensive, and a fight may take place.<P>You're doing good, Hon. Keep posting to us.<P>BTW: My XH is/was a prof musician, guitar player. Being a musician's wife is NOT EASY! <P>Love,<BR>Jo

Dumplin,<P>Of course I don't know your H, but because he is a musician, I would explore the possibility that his number one emotional need is "Admiration".<P>Just some thoughts.<P>Jo

I know it's hard to be married to someone whose followed around by girls. Thanks for the advice and encouragement. Yes, he does need admiration, but it's very hard to give it to him. Whenever I compliment him, I get, "Yes, that's what she said." Or something to that effect. I'm trying my best. It's so hard for us in the first place. He runs the business side of the band which is constantly flip-flopping. He's always under so much stress. I think that's what bothers me the most. He never has time for me, but makes time for her when he can squeeze it in. It's very frustrating. He has told her we're living together seperately while I thought we were working on our relationship. He keeps saying he doesn't need outside interferance right now because of the stress of the band, but when will he have time is my question. It makes me feel guilty just thinking of bringing our relationship up since he is so busy. Even at that though, if he's so busy and stressed out and doesn't need outside interferance, then why add to it with OW????