D-n-D<P>Thanks for responding to my post. I’m really happy for you and your husband and the way things are progressing in such a short period of time – and all in a positive direction!! You deserve a (smiley face) and a gold star for really waking up and taking responsibility for your actions! I hope your H appreciates how lucky he is that you are willing to work so hard and fight for your marriage – if not right away, give him some time. He must love you very much to be willing to stand by you in this darkest hour. I hope you appreciate him for the same.<P>Your H is going through some really gut wrenching emotions right now. I’m sure he is asking himself – “How could she do this to me- to us”? “Why did she risk everything”?<BR>All questions you are probably asking yourself. He is also wrestling with extreme feelings of inadequacy and loss and feels less of a man. I’m sure he is wondering how he set the stage, so to speak, and what he did wrong, and how he failed you. The fact that he has always felt insecure or that you were “the smart one” probably doesn’t help. I’m not trying to make you feel worse than you do - if I have, please accept my apology. Only trying to help you understand. Was he always this way or did it start after the first affair and the growing distance between you? He may have always felt a little insecure (I think all of us do at some point & time) and it may have just grown, like a cancer, as he sensed you moving farther away from him. He is fortunate that you have tried to help him and build his self esteem.<P>With regard to his not liking to read, do you think he is functionally illiterate? I remember hearing or reading about an extremely successful California business man who built his business from scratch and all the while had the most rudimentary reading level. I think he is pushing an adult literacy crusade on a national level. Maybe you could investigate and find some way to help your H in a loving way. But be extremely careful not to bruise his ever present male ego (I have one too). Maybe this is not the time, but it’s food for thought. As much as the human race has evolved and a lot of the gender roles have become blurred, I think we are still “hardwired and programmed” for a more primitive existence. He probably views your ability to “fend for yourself” financially (as you are the main bread winner) as an inability to be the provider (hunter) on his part. He may wonder if you really need him at all right now – something we all need to feel. He really needs to be needed – tell him that he is and how. Tell him what he does that’s great and what needs you have that he is fulfilling. I know, speaking from my own experience, that if my wife spent as much time telling me about the good things I’ve done or am as she does *****ing and moaning about all of my shortcomings we would be in a much happier place now. I know that if I do 9 things right in a day, and one thing wrong then I am up s**t creek without a paddle – I will here about the 1 thing and all the other 1 things from the past (and the other 1 things I haven’t done yet- just thrown in for good measure!). I feel as if I can never win!!<P>Do you your best to let him know he is needed and loved – not just by words, but by actions and example. I think you probably do already. Fortunately you both seem to be working toward a common goal.<P>Do try to help him with the reading thing if he wants it! Reading helps us unlock different worlds and walk in them with confidence. Personally speaking I know that I can work with my crew of men and interact at that level ( my business is in one of the less glamorous trades – looked down upon by many) in the morning and go to a cocktail party that night and carry on a lengthy conversation with just about anyone because I read about everything. My wife tells me that I just think I know everything and have a comment for everything. I’m sort of a chameleon but not in a deceitful way. It is one of the few confidences I have left and it can never be taken away - all because I can read. Maybe your H could find that for himself.<P>Gotta Go,<BR>Seekr<P>Godspeed to you & continue fighting the good fight!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by seekr (edited August 18, 2001).]