Sometimes ya gotta scrape the bottom of the barrel for the positive things with being separated against your will.<P>Maybe you guys can live vicariously thru me on this one.<P>My son and I will embark tomorrow on a trip to stay with some former neighbors. It'll be the first real "guy" trip for us, not counting a trip to my Dad's last April (He was my "guy" mentor, afterall). Technically, this isn't a "guys only" trip because Taz (au pair) is coming with us to remind us to wash our hands, etc., and the Dad of the family we're visiting is obviously a guy, but he lives with three women - his wonderful wife and two daughters. My "thank you" gift to him is a First Alert Estrogen monitor.<P>Anyway, with the help of Dave Barry (my fav humor columnist), and the absence of my wife, I plan on showing my son how real guys think.<P>Here's what I mean. Ladies, if you violated my post title, I'm warning you - be prepared for a shock!<P>Previously, when we visited this family with my wife, my son was brainwashed. Last time, after a sandy day on the beach, I hopped in the shower in the guest bathroom and afterwards grabbed a towel and began to dry myself off.<P>Pretty shocking, huh?<P>Wife: What are you doing??<P>Me: Huh?<P>Wife: Your using the GOOD towels!!!! The towels we're supposed to use are in the bed room!! Those towels are for decoration!!<P>Me : Of course. What was I thinking?<P>My son was witnessing all of this and was probably harmed for life. It's a mistake many guys make, and one I'll make sure my son makes in an attempt to "deprogram" him. A completey normal guy can be in a guest bathroom, dripping wet, and he sees a towel and for some insane reason he thinks it was put there for guests to dry themselves with.<P>Another bonehead error guys often commit is using the soap on a soap dish to WASH THEIR HANDS!!! This of course ruins the guest soap, which is defined as "soap that guests are not supposed to use." Its purpose is to match the guest towels.<P>To really drive this point home to my son, I'll offer to help the Dad install the estrogen monitor I'm giving him. We'll go out to the tool shed to get the stuff we need and I'll politely ask my son to hand me a phillips head screwdriver. He'll go over to the tools hanging neatly on a rack above the work bench and instinctively reach for the right screw driver.<P>Me: NOT THAT ONE - THOSE ARE FOR DECORATION!!!<P>Guys, am I right? But this is not about logic, this is about etiquette and, too often, we guys forget the basic underlying principle of all etiquette: We are scum. So, what I'll really do is just point these things out to my son as we come across them because we want to be invited back. Hopefully, he'll grow up to be a real scum guy anyway.<P>WAT

Ok! You knew that I would crash this thread!<P>If you are going to teach him to be a real scum guy he must learn the following things:<P>Leave toilet seat up and don't bother to aim when urinating.<BR>Why flush? Someone else will get it later.<P>Leave your clothes on the floor - exactly where you took them off. Someone else will get it later.<P>Don't bother to close any cabinet doors or your dresser drawers. Someone else will get it later.<P>Shave and don't bother to clean the sink out. Someone else will get it later.<P>Help yourself to any of the food in the house. Don't bother to clean up any of the mess you created. Someone else will clean it up later. On that same note, why not have a snack while dinner is being prepared?<P>Don't forget to belch and leave the table after dinner without so much as a word. Don't worry about the dishes. Someone else will get them later.<P>Last but not least - By all means, leave your sports gear in the formal living room. It adds a masculine touch to the decor.<P> and double to all you scum guys out there! Where would the female race be without you? Gotta love it!<P><p>[This message has been edited by cleopatra (edited August 05, 2001).]

Don't tell me I can't read something, then I just have to know what it says.<P>Hey, Cleo, sounds like you have met my sons,

WAT,<P>Your story brings back sarcastically fond thoughts of other estrogenly charged areas found in our homes. One of my favorites is a place called a living room. Not sure how that room came to be called that….no one that I'm aware of has ever "lived" in that particular room. They come in all shapes, sizes and styles but interestingly enough they all have the same common theme. Absolutely no one is to sit or loiter in that room without prior permission from the family matriarch. <P>Ever since my toddler years, I've had an unnatural curiosity about this strange space we christened a living room. Over years of observation and keen note taking, I have hypothesized following real world reasons for this so-called "living" room.<P>1. It is often used as a backdrop for photography.<BR>2. Several people we do not know or possibly even like are interrogated in this room.<BR>3. It is really a room designed and built for the family cats. They seem to be the only creatures allowed to use the room as they sit fit without permission or repercussion.<P><BR>I feel, as men, we need to start a movement to address the real problems in our homes. That’s right, the Practical Identification of Misunderstood Items and Places in our homes or PIMIC for short. PIMIC issues can easily be traced to the initial irritations that start marital friction. <P>So let's see what else do we need to get the ball rolling. We already have the idea, a platform so to speak. All we're missing is Federal funding, lobbyist, collegiant think tanks, attorneys, propaganda, and celebrity endorsements. Finding empathetic supporters shouldn't be a problem. Most every guy had a mother and several even have had a wife or two.<P><BR>Think about it WAT, we start out by doing the "Man Show" from Comedy Central, then Conan O'Brien, Letterman and then Leno. We'll have to skip Jerry Springer. He already turned me down on the simple alien abduction adultery story. Finally, we'll know we hit the big time when Oprah calls to get to the bottom of this.<P>Stay tuned for tommorows rant - 101 real world uses for holiday themed kitchen towels.<P>H.I.<BR>

Well, since the spell has been broken, I will venture into this zone forbidden to women and say that you have no right to give us an 'ultimatum' and control us by telling us where we can and can not go. <P>Is that good Fogese? <P>Let me think about this Mr. WAT. You go have a nice vacation and all (no one on one with nature, just fish hunting - I mean fishing right?). Have a good time!!!<P>I will have something for you to read when you get back. Maybe not as profound as the others, but my usual nutty 2 cents. <P>Have a great time,<BR>L. <P>

I too had to read. <P>Just sheeeesh .... <P>Jo

Yes, I too, have the affliction of HAVING to go where I'm told NOT TO....<P>Sooooo, here are a few things to add to your "GUYS ONLY" theme....<P>1) Make *sure* you touch as much stuff as you can, walls, floor, towels, furniture with your greasy hands on your way to take a shower from cleaning anything.<P>2) Make *sure* you "miss your mouth" and drip cheese, chips, soda, or anything else you attempt to eat during your "Sports Visions" time, which seems to never end, since Sports seasons all run together now!<P>3) Make SURE you leave every tool you used to do a job for your home *exactly* where you used it last, just so you won't be able to find it next....even if this means leaving it outside where it will get rained on.<P>4) Finally (for now) never, EVER figure out where stuff gets put away when YOU empty the dishwasher, just so that when it is all put away neatly NO ONE in your house can ever find it again!! As long as they live!!

Man oh man. You made this nice place for us and then they had to go ruin it. We know that they'll be peeking, but they had to make sure we knew that. <P>By the way ladies, we're in the den right now. No cute books on the coffee table. In fact, we don't do coffee tables here. Got my beer on a cool table made of bricks and boards from our college days. <P>Coasters? You're joking, right. Just had to make sure I pushed some of last weeks cans out of the way. Oops, knocked some over. Well, they were mostly empty.<P>The ceiling fan has an interesting wobble to it after we knocked one of the blades off last week throwing the basketball around. The duct tape we used sort of messed up the balance. It has more character now. Duct tape has a way of doing that to stuff. <P>My gym shorts are in the corner. NO ONE BETTER PICK THEM UP FOR ME. I know where they are.<P>Well, gotta go. I think football's greatest hits is on ESPN.<P>--Jeffers

ROTFLMAO!!! LOL LOL LOL

I can't resist either. I had read the post earlier today, but I didn't want to be the first woman to respond (hehehe).<P>My personal opinion on the towels and soap: if you leave it out in the open, expect it to be used. I'm sure this attitude stems from having a 3foot tall 2 yr old running around my house. If he can reach it, then it's at his disposal. If I don't want him touching it, then I should have put it away.<P>I gotta tell you, if MY boys do those "guy things" when they grow older, they'll have to deal with me. Granted, now that I'm familiar with the MB way of life, I can word my requests in a non- LBing fashion. All the better way to have control without being controlling (hahahah).<P>Another item for the list of things to 'teach' the boys:<P>- if you're gassy, let it out. Don't hold back. Burps or 'butt burps' (as we call them in our house.. LOL) must be made out as loud as possible, and do not worry about whose presence you are in. If you gotta go, you gotta go. LOL. Let 'em rip boys! ROFLMAO!!!<P>Karen<BR>

Gosh Topie .. Sounds like you must have a house of putt putts. With all that fuel, you could start your own gas station!<P>Jo

LOL!! Yup! NATURAL GAS!! ROFLMAO!!<P>Karen

Of course, Dave, you KNEW that labelling this thread "guys only" would bring the ladies out in force.<P>Only a couple of things I have to add to this thread full of educational items:<P>1) Be sure to use the good towels as rags when changing the oil, doing a tune up or checking the fluid levels in the car;<P>2) Don't bother to find a screwdriver - use anything in the flatware drawer - table knives are best, but don't limit yourself.<P>How are those? They are definitely two of the most incredibly aggravating and annoying things that my husband used to do... I'm sure he still does them, it's just that slug has to put up with him now. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!<P> <BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Oh, thank God!!!!!<P>My husband is actually pretty normal then!<P>Baseball throwing in the house--now why should I object to that then? It's perfectly OK to find one's flower arrangements and fine pictures frames with antique photos in pieces behind the couch. Something has to used for targets.<P>And WHAT is the deal with passing gas? Is it an art form? The louder, the prouder. The more aromatic bouquet of scent, the better. Yes, that was definately a taco fart. And yes, that had to be the protein shake with 5 g of creatine--mmmmmmmmmm. <P>I don't mind the toilet seat is always up in my house--what's fair is fair. (I myself leave it down when I am done. However, I tend to flush as well.) I have long considered having a contractor put a tall urinal in my bathroom someday. Try putting a fuzzy seat cover on that. (Fuzzy seat covers serve to soak up the splatters on the back of the toilet.)<P>And why bother getting a glass when the milk tastes just as good right from the carton? Silly me. It saves on washing dishes after all.<P>Males. . . <P>Someone needs to call up Martha Stewart and just tell her to shut the h*** up--she has interior decorating all wrong. It is not a couch unless you find balled up socks in the cracks.<P><BR>oh oh oh. . .<P>Yes, the coconut carved in the shape of a monkey's head wearing an Atlanta Braves baseball cap--that is a very fine piece of artwork that should be displayed in the china cabinent, by all means<p>[This message has been edited by Bernzini (edited August 05, 2001).]

LMAO Berni! You Rock!!!<P>Here's something: <P>Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.<P>My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.<BR> <BR>Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.<P>My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.<P> <BR>Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.<P>My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.<P> <BR>Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.<P>My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?<BR> <BR>Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.<P>My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.<BR> <BR>Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove top.<P>My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.<BR> <BR>Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.<P>My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.<P> <BR>Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.<P>My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.<P> <BR>Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"<P>My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.<P> <BR>Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.<P>My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.<P> <BR>Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.<P>My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.<P> <BR>Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.<P>My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?<P> <BR>Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.<P>My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.<P> <BR>Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.<P>My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.<P> <BR>Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.<P>My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.<P> <BR>Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.<P>My way: Leftover wine?<P> <BR>Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.<P>My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.<P> <BR>Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.<P>My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.<P> <BR>Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.<BR>* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.<BR>* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.<BR>* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.<BR>* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).<P>My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once. <BR>

Ok, now we are in my territory. My son has learned a 'new' trick. At least new to him. Making the fart sound with his arm and armpit...... <P>Now I have the pleasure of hearing this at any given moment, in the car, store, in front of friends, restuarants, you name it he has tried it. Thinks it's funny and so does the other 'boys'. <P>What is it with you of the male species? My son asked me why don't girls and moms pass gas, aren't they afraid they will explode? <P>Oh, and I wanted a boy. Hm.....<P>Ok guys, what is the next embaressing thing is my son going to spring on me? Will I have to change my name or go incognito when I take him to school? <P>L.

Girls, girls girls...the best way to always get revenge for toilet seats and bring 'em to their knees ...... use their razor!!!!<BR>T

Touche' Twyla!!!!<P>L.

Rats...I couldn't get on MB earlier WAT...or you know I would have been the first to respond... .<P>I am dying of laughter right now and I sure needed it! I have three boys and the thought of their teenage years makes me tremble...<P>Today I read an article in our newspaper where a woman's family built her a 'foo-foo' treehouse and I swear to God that I have to have one! or at least my own room...you know like Mrs. Cosby on the Cosby Show got the last year or so of their run on tv??? I will have at least one 'female' room .<P>Cali

Ya know what's funny--my little boy has seen the fart-in-armpit trick somewhere and wants ME to teach him the finer points. C'mon mom, just try it. I tell him "Baby, my armpit just don't fart." Males. . .they start early.<P>For shame, Jo. Martha has made millions showing people how to cut up weeds from the barrow pit to make wreaths and how to wrap contact paper around old coffee cans. Now people are going to find out YOU are the real domestic Goddess and you will put poor Martha out of business. It's time you started publishing a thick glossy magazine filled with your decorating secrets.<P>Hey, the other day, my hubby ran out of razor blades. . .he wakes me up at 5:45 to ask if I have any. Sure I do. . .they have to go in my pink Ladies Personal Touch. Well, darn it, he HAS to shave, he's a Marine. It was so humiliating, he had to lock the bathroom door so no one would see him shaving with the girlie razor. I am sure he had girl cooties all day, poor thing.<P>How come more girls are posting on the GUYS ONLY thread than guys? Maybe the Estrogen Alert System started alarming. Oh oh. I really works!