Well I knew there would be a few of ya'll come out of the woodwork. Isn't it so much nicer making contact now. I'm glad each and everyone of you decided to say hello. Please, Please don't leave... post us your stories and what you've done to get you where you are.. or where you aren't and the reasons why.. <P>From a selfish standpoint.. I hope to find some answers from those of you who have been sitting back and just absorbing everything. I bet you guys and gals can really pinpoint some of my/our.. heavy posters problem areas. <P>I too would like to share what I have learned and what I learned way to late in the game. <P>I'm glad to see the parents come out.. because the area with my life that is struggling right now.. is the mom and pop issues and how they view me... and what I can do to get them to support me in my endeavors with their wayward DIL, my W.<P>Its nice to meet all of you.. and I hope you stay.. where we can chat and learn from one another.<P>Again.. welcome ..<P>------------------<BR>Semper Fi,<P><B>Husband2You</B><BR>*****<BR><I>···In the valley of the blind the one eye'd man is King···</I><P>· E-mail: <B> husband2you@petroleum.org </B> · ICQ: <B><A HREF="http://wwp.icq.com/1206499" TARGET=_blank>1206499</A></B> · Formerly: <B>E m p t y</B> ·

mandm040,<P>What part of the MB principals don't you agree with. A valid question.. some of us have regards concerning the MB principals also. What are some of yours?<P>------------------<BR>Semper Fi,<P><B>Husband2You</B><BR>*****<BR><I>···In the valley of the blind the one eye'd man is King···</I><P>· E-mail: <B> husband2you@petroleum.org </B> · ICQ: <B><A HREF="http://wwp.icq.com/1206499" TARGET=_blank>1206499</A></B> · Formerly: <B>E m p t y</B> ·

Got Truth and Estes,<P>You two still here?<P>------------------<BR>Semper Fi,<P><B>Husband2You</B><BR>*****<BR><I>···In the valley of the blind the one eye'd man is King···</I><P>· E-mail: <B> husband2you@petroleum.org </B> · ICQ: <B><A HREF="http://wwp.icq.com/1206499" TARGET=_blank>1206499</A></B> · Formerly: <B>E m p t y</B> ·

Susan, Nina, I-am and Lizzle are you all still here? Ready to post your stories or questions.. we can just chat.. too.. <P>Okay.. I'm from the Houston area, What state are you all from.. ?<P>Okay.. your turn to ping pong <P>------------------<BR>Semper Fi,<P><B>Husband2You</B><BR>*****<BR><I>···In the valley of the blind the one eye'd man is King···</I><P>· E-mail: <B> husband2you@petroleum.org </B> · ICQ: <B><A HREF="http://wwp.icq.com/1206499" TARGET=_blank>1206499</A></B> · Formerly: <B>E m p t y</B> ·

CommonLaw, Statue and Upstream.. how are you all doing? A couple of you have been here almost as long as I have.. How do you do it? I'd be mush without getting some of this out in text. Do you have other ways of coping?<P>------------------<BR>Semper Fi,<P><B>Husband2You</B><BR>*****<BR><I>···In the valley of the blind the one eye'd man is King···</I><P>· E-mail: <B> husband2you@petroleum.org </B> · ICQ: <B><A HREF="http://wwp.icq.com/1206499" TARGET=_blank>1206499</A></B> · Formerly: <B>E m p t y</B> ·

Hiya KID.. rambling.. dear.. have you seen my posts you can post your whole story here and no one will think the less of you if its short or a 20 page book.. like.. um NSR's I try.. but there is NO way I could beat him out of the longest posts.. haha NSR..<P>Anyhow welcome and please stay.<P>------------------<BR>Semper Fi,<P><B>Husband2You</B><BR>*****<BR><I>···In the valley of the blind the one eye'd man is King···</I><P>· E-mail: <B> husband2you@petroleum.org </B> · ICQ: <B><A HREF="http://wwp.icq.com/1206499" TARGET=_blank>1206499</A></B> · Formerly: <B>E m p t y</B> ·

Yes, H2U, I'm still here. Have been posting my two cents worth on several threads this weekend. Thanks to you I started a thread for parents which I will bump up for the start of the week when more people might see it. <P>What has your relationsip with your in-laws been like over the years. Are you close? I love(d) my WDIL like a daughter, so there is pain from the loss of this closeness as well as the loss of son's and DIL's relationship, plus she took my grandson to another state so I had that loss too. If you have a good relationship with the I-Ls, I'll bet they hurt for the pain their daughter is causing you. They probably feel awkward facing you knowing the wrong their child has done you, but loving her because she is theirs. Our situation is only - wow, it's 7 months old. The emotional intensity of the roller coaster ride makes it seem like yesterday! I still cry several times a week. <P>Oh, I digress; see how fresh the wounds stay. Anyway, our situation is fairly new. I am not anywhere close to talking about the A with my DIL for fear of complicating their recovery. If fact, I've rarely talked to her at all. She's still in the fog. Guess I'm afraid to. Bet your I-Ls are afraid too, if you are close.<P>Do you live in the same town? Do you communicate, or is there an awkward silence? I would love to have my DIL write me even a short note affirming our relationship even if it is on hold for now. Do you feel comfortable writing your in-laws an unemotional note affirming you respect for them, acknowledging their pain, and mentioning the love you both have for their daughter (if that is indeed the case).<BR>It could be the ice-breaker you need to talk to them about your plan to reconcile with their D. I suspect, though, that at least for now, your relationship with them will remain low key as you all protect your emotions.<P>Let me know what you think. Estes <BR>

Well Husband, <BR>I guess I'm not so good at turning the cheek all the time, and I feel that there are absolutely appropriate times to get angry and let your cheating spouse KNOW how you are feeling...ie: Love Busting or making definite withdrawals from the ole "Love Bank"...lol...I call it being honest, which is interesting, because Dr. H also speaks about the "radical honesty" issue. If I am angry with my spouse, and I respect him enough to be radically, honestly communicating with him, then I am going to share with him how I feel. That doesn't mean that being angry will turn into some huge fight or "love buster", but even if it does, the reality is that the anger is THERE, it is REAL, and it needs to be confronted and dealt with HONESTLY.<P>I don't agree that humans are JUST born with the "normal human traits" of being "demanding, disrespectful, angry, annoying, and dishonest"...I believe there are other, very basic needs, like being loved, accepted, protected....etc.<P>Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be reading here for so long if I hated all of the MB basic concepts! lol...I DO agree with some of the priniciples too, like spending time in concerted ways with each other, and trying to creat "safe" methods of communication. I just don't buy into all the<BR>love busting stuff. I feel, deep inside of me, that it is<BR>belittling how I really feel, and denying those parts of me as a human being.<P>I also have to admit, I could do more reading on this topic.<BR>I haven't, simply because the ways we are dealing with the infidelity in our marriage is working - we are healing, and coming out stronger. Who knows, maybe I've employed more of the MB principles than I realize, and maybe I just don't like the "canned nature" of some the the terminology! lol...<P>Oh well, you asked for it...so there are some of my thoughts...<P>mandm040<BR>

Thank you so much H2Y. This has been a really bad day for me. I always come to this site for inspiration and to keep myself from feeling lonely. Your post has made me cry. (Yet again!!!). I am a BS. I have some of Dr. Harley's books, and some others that I read. 'The Road Less Traveled' - has kept me sane as well. <BR>My H is out of the country on work, has been gone for a while. He doesn't want to talk, and I just heard from him that he has to extend his stay. It was the last straw. I feel like this time alone is a preview of the rest of my life. I have a great career, but I still miss my H so much. He has always been there for me, and this is such a shock. I know he doesn't want to hurt me. He is truly in a fog. The other woman has told him not to contact her till he makes up his mind. I am probably one of the few on this site who does not hate the OW. She is in a different country as well and doesn't know me. All she knows is his perception of me, and he is on a different planet right now. The OW is his childhood sweetheart. Just my luck that she is single and lonely as well. She had turned him down 18 years ago. The story is real long and maybe I'll share the details one day, but he thinks her family turned her against him and she was too immature to let him know the reason or to stand up to them. There are a lot of holes in his story and he knows that. But all he can see is that the woman he loved has said yes. Now our marriage of almost 15 years is a mistake he made and wants to correct.<BR>I keep hoping that he will come out of the fog. He will hurt so many more people by what he is doing. He hasn't asked for a divorce to date. He says he has to figure out his feelings. Till he does, he will not work at the marriage. We have started counseling but had only 3 sessions. He is already planning his next trip out of the country and he hasn't even returned yet. <BR>I try to be brave most of the time, but have days like today, when all I can do is wallow in self-pity. I came in to work but couldn't. So I entered this site, as I do almost everyday, and your post touched me right in my heart. Thank you so much. You and the others help me to 'hang in there'.

Thanks so much, understanding words from a man mean a lot. I found out last week that my H had an affair 13 years ago while in the Marine Corps. Said the guilt was killing him. "everybody did it..." Found out on our 22 anniv. I was shocked and angry but cannot get past the "why" and the 13 years of lying. He has moved past it, but to me it just happened. We both want to keep our marriage together, pray for us.

Hi Husband2you and gang,<P>I am back now, just enjoying the last long weekend of the summer! That and trying to push my kids out the door to school..lol. <P>Well my divorce will be over soon..hopefully, its been a very long road, and a painful one at first. I guess by going on everything I've read on the site, I'm the WS, though often I don't feel that way. And I guess in retrospect I can see that there wasn't much chance of our marriage working. <P>I'll try to give you the readers digest version..lol<BR>We met when I was 15 and he was 17. A year and a half later<BR>I discovered I was pregnant with out first child. He insisted that we have that child, though I was terrified I went along with it, believing the promises that he would be there whenever I needed him. After almost three years we decided since we had made it that far it was time to get married, the next logical step and all. I did care for him very much, but at that time I'd become very frustrated with him, he dropped out of college, couldn't/wouldn't find a job, living with me at my parents house never lifting a finger once to help or contribute. I knew it was time that we become more responsible and do what needed to be done. <P>So we married. 7 months after we married I found I was pregnant with our next child. But by this time we were fighting everyday. <BR>After trying to make things work for the next 2+ years, and feeling so horrible and hating myself I went to my doctor to go on antidepressants. They were incredibly helpful and pulled me out of the black hole I existed in for almost a decade at that point. ( I was depressed b4 I met my stbx)<P>As wonderful as it was to have hope for my future and see that all was not lost for myself, I began to truly see what my marriage looked like. It was bad, I wasn't the mom I should have been, and though he was there, it was like he was off on some other planet. We talked,we yelled, screamed, I begged him to help me with the kids, the house, to pay attention for finances..to pay attention to me. Sex was practically non-existent. For him the only time there was a problem was when I started yelling about it, otherwise he was content, and why shouldn't he be I did pretty much everything, I felt like a puppeteer, not that I wanted to be one. I would set the alarm to wake him up otherwise he wouldn't get up and be late for work or just not bother going if it was too late. He ask me where his socks where, or what should he take for lunch. I paid all the bills, any cleaning to get done was me. He didn't even take care of himself..days sometimes weeks without a shower. there wassymptons of depression in him and finally convinced him to see a doctor. But he wouldn't take meds so there wasn't too much I could do. <P>And then the beginning of the end happened, the internet. We got access to the internet and thats when I found a whole new world. I think at one point I was addicted to chatting if that is even possible. I met online normal people..(well most of them anyway..lol), who did the things they were supposed to do, who appreciated me, my sense of humor, my personality. I felt like I belonged. What little feeling for my H evaporated and was replaced by anger, and lots of it.<P> I could see that he wasn't going to change, I couldn't make him change that it was something he had to do himself, and probably wasn't going to since he felt there wasn't really a problem except for me. I knew deep down that he didn't really love me, he was with me out of habit.<P>I met a friend who counselled me, was a very spirtual person, we emailed back and forth and he helped me see things a little more clearly. We met in person and surprise surprise, his intentions weren't as pure as I thoughtthem to be, needless to say that was the end of that friendship. <P>My H wanted me to stop chatting, I tried and did for a while, but I felt so alone again. I wouldn't have minded stopping if it was going to be replaced by something between us, but it was the same distance. I tried, he did try now and again. <P>After all of this, I began chatting, and I met a really wonderful person. He lived 400 kms away so there was no worry about ever meeting or that kind of thing. We were great friends, talked every day, he worked nights, we when I was getting up to get the kids ready, he was just getting home, we talked about everything. We had so much in common, and he knew just where I was coming from with my marriage because his was not doing that great either. Though our circumstances were different. <P>There came a point where I knew I had feelings for this friend, I couldn't stop thinking about him, I used to imagine what life would be if we were together. I was very torn for a while. But when I managed to be totally honest with myself I knew the decision I had to make, and I picked me. Not my H, not even my friend, but me. Maybe thats selfish, I don't know. All I know is I'd sacrificed a third of my life for someone who didn't give a damn. I told him I was leaving, it was over, no hope of recovery and if he took a moment to be honest he'd see that its the right thing to do. <P>He agreed with me. I decided I was going to do something I'd never done before because I was always to scared to try anything new. I decided to meet my friend that meant so much to me, if he wanted me to that is. I talked to him he said it was good idea. My husband said he was proud of me for taking such a big step for myself, he was crying with tears of joy because more than anything he wanted me to be happy. He even bought the tickets and paid for my hotel room to see my friend. Drove me to the station, said I'll see you in a couple of days. <P>The day I came back, he had taken the kids and moved away without telling me, even though I called everyday and gotten a hold of him while I was gone. He then claimed I was having an affair, neglected and abused my kids, basically raked me over the coals and back again. Here I thought he was the most nicest understanding man, that would make someone a really good husband one day. <P>I was set up, it was my own naiviety or stupidity whichever you want to call it. I was devastated. A huge custoday battle ensued. I managed to get my kids back. He played dumb through the whole thing, he had no idea the marriage was over, etc. <P>Once things had settled for awhile, I found out a lot of stuff that I didn't know and would have definitly ended the marriage for me. All those late work nights and being stuck in traffic and 'lost' money were actually him at strip joints which I'm dead set against. He played horrid mind games with traumas from my past, really messed with my head so much.<P>And now here I am. I do feel guilty sometimes. I have a lot of people telling me not to, considering everything that was done to me. I don't want to go to much into that, lets just say there was verbal and mental abuse. I'm not here to bash him, I just want to learn how to get over the guilt and learn everything that I can.<P>Oh and I should also mention, my friend that I met online, we are now together. He sufferend alot of abuse in his marriage, verbal, mental and physical. He finally found the strength to leave and start a new life. Its been a long road for the both of us. He has been the best friend I've ever known, I love him with all my heart. Thats why I want to learn how to build and maintain and strong marriage. And also to finally rid myself of the ghosts of the old one. I still deal with H daily. He doesn't make anything very easy, doesn't see his kids much and it hurts them but they're coping. <P>Any feedback would be helpful. Sorry this was so long. <P>I-am.

Welcome back.. to those of you responding.. <P>Okay Iam.. I'm bumping this.. looking for help here MBer's. <P>I need some help with these threads.. I'd say.. Volunteer and each MBer.. take one of the new people and work a thread with them..<P>I opened a can of worms.. which they are very beautifull. but I need some help fielding these new situations.<P>Each 'volunteer' pick a person and start a new thread with the new persons post.. cut and quoted from here.. and title the thread with the new persons nickname.<P>Okay.. whew.. <P>------------------<BR>Semper Fi,<P><B>Husband2You</B><BR>*****<BR><I>···In the valley of the blind the one eye'd man is King···</I><P>· E-mail: <B> husband2you@petroleum.org </B> · ICQ: <B><A HREF="http://wwp.icq.com/1206499" TARGET=_blank>1206499</A></B> · Formerly: <B>E m p t y</B> ·

Okay, time to bring out more of the lurkers. I know that this about a year old...

"the faces change but the game remains the same"

Hello to H2Y and MBers from a lurker (for over a year now)!!!!

.....and a Very Big Thank You to the posters!

I suspect that there are many more lurkers like me who have been taught, supported, encouraged, and even "called on the carpet" at times LOL by those who post back and forth. You can count my marriage and my family's wellbeing as one of the MB success stories!

I will Plan A myself and those I love for the rest of my life! P.S.--did you notice that I said Plan A is for myself first? Now THAT'S success! ROFL

Going back to lurkdom now....but will continue to keep MBers in my prayers.

Glad to see you Nelle, I remember your name but not your situation...of course...but I'm happy you came out of the shadows once again to at least say hello.

That is all I want the LURKERS to do is just come out of the shadows from time to time and say hello.

Well we'll see if we can lure anyone else out.

Here's another lured lurker. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Klueless = me as I often don't know what to do next or if I even have the strength left to try. I've never liked roller coasters but feel like i'm on one big roller coaster with no attendant to push the stop button even when the passengers are feeling sick.

Been lurking for about six months now. What an amazing place - with amazing people - just knowing there are people out there in the same boat as me (more or less) and better still people strong and kind enough to help is what has kept me going so far. Not really sure why I haven't posted yet - maybe putting it into words would make it real while I hoped it would just go away or maybe I thought I was strong enough to make it without posting.

Got game enough to register once and have story half written on computer but what a long and massive mess it is. I think you all have enough to deal with without my story and lurking has given me loads of answers without asking. Really wanted to say thanks.

Who knows - maybe I'll get game enough to post one day. My dream - be a success story and help others but long long way from that.

Have to add Husband2You - all of your rebumped posts have been insightful and informative. You even got me to post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks to all..
Klueless

Hello All,

I finally leave Lurkdom to say a short hello.

I am the BS, age 37. WS is hubby, age 38. We have three sons under the age of 6.

WS had three affairs. First one in '89, second in '99, third in '01. The second and third were the same person. She's unhappily married and worked with WS.

We got limited counseling the first time and basically shoved it under the rug. That "worked" for 10 years. We had MC with A#2, dh said all the right things. I am in IC after A#3.

I see great potential for us, despite what this must read like. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> WS recently left his job after 20+ years and I believe this can only help us in recovery. That said, this time around, I am seeing the reality that we may not make it, though. That's a huge step for me.

For a variety of reasons, my WS has only recently started working on "his stuff". His efforts are sporadic.

My sorrow comes from knowing that we can be so much more, and feeling like he just doesn't get it.

Things that helped: reading (books, MB, etc), journaling, and a lot of prayer.

I thank you all for your honest posts, your gentle chidings, and your reminders to be true to myself and take care of myself. In my darkest days, this place was my sole source of comfort.

My best to all of you,
SonsCubed

Okay, I guess it's about time for me to say hello. It's been some 7 months since Dday. I've read many of the recommended books and learned so much through your situations. This has been the opportunity for me to grow and improve upon the woman I was when I first met my H.

As a lurker, I felt comforted by the network of support on these boards. What kept me from posting was self-consciousness about going "public"...(fear of public speaking, maybe?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

While it took my H's A to find me here at this site, I can say that I am more grounded now than before the A. Whether realized or not, the insights, perspectives, and validations have helped me to cope with what I consider to be the toughest challenge I thought I could ever face.

I don't know whether my H cares or not about not seeing/talking to me...although he has said a few times that he doesn't like it. We've been separated since the beginning of February. After 2 months of Plan A (my LB$ was running dry), I let him know that I couldn't deal with his blatant disrespect for me/our marriage. I didn't want to issue an ultimatum, yet I think it was my only move since he told me that he couldn't respect me that I knew about the A and let him stay at home. I took the Dobson approach, drew my boundary, and set him free. He chose to leave than give up OW. He's come in and out of the fog occasionally to express his remorse, to tell me that he wanted to work on our M, he would end contact with OW, he wanted to go to MC, ect. But it seemed like he'd forget about all that and would continue doing what he wanted.

I'll post my full story soon. For now, I should finally leave the office and go home. Tomorrow's another day.

Thanks for listening.
Peace and blessings to all.

<small>[ July 12, 2002, 03:58 PM: Message edited by: linday527 ]</small>

Klueless, SonsCubed, and Linday...

I want to say hello to you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm glad you "un-lurked" yourselves to let us meet you.

Please stick around... continue lurking... and feel free to come un-lurked from time to time to share your experiences, pain, growth, as well as support and opinions for others.

So, that's all for now - just "hello" - and good luck and bless you on your journeys! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Okay, I'll stop lurking.... Actually I could use some advice.

I was the BS years ago, more than once. I was pg with 2nd (and last) the last time. I even put up with it before marriage, but listened when he begged me to take him back. Well, it happened again. I have made myself numb and pretty much stayed for financial reasons. Otherwise, H and I get along fairly well, we don't have any money issues, no abuse, etc. I had pretty much decided to stay until kids got out of school and then go my own way. Kids are now in 10th & 11th grade.

Whole marriage has pretty much revolved around him... his family, friends, job, his hobbies, and there are lots. He works almost every weekend, so I have had to spend them by myself with the kids. We have very different interests, and seem to go our own way most of the time.

Well, about 2 yrs ago, I became interested in someone. Over time it has evolved into very short PA. H does not know this. I talked to H and told him that I am unhappy and have been for a long time. I believed he was also, and we would just end it. Well, he became devastated and has been begging, pleading, crying for me not to leave him. I don't know what to do. I have no feelings for him, well I do have feelings that I don't want to hurt him, but otherwise I don't love him and haven't for a long time. I didn't realize he would be hurt so badly.

I have cut PA things off with OM, but continue contact and plan to be with him in the future. I may be kidding myself, but I want to start a relationship with him the correct way. He is in a bad M, and is waiting for child to be a little older to leave. I have a real connection and closeness with this person that I have NEVER had with H.

Here's my dilemma - do I stay with H for security? We both make about same $$. He'll be retiring in 9 yrs. I won't. We have a house that'll be paid off in 3 yrs. I hate to sell it because we built it ourselves. Neither of us could probably afford to buy the other out.

Or... do I leave, make a life for myself, and then wait for OM to be available to start our life together. OM has new business that is taking a financial/emotional toll right now, but also has a decent job. I would also have to be willing to take the risk of ending up alone, or at least without the OM. I have thought about it, and if I knew for sure that OM would never be available, I might just stay with H, but not because I love him.

So, do I follow my head or my heart? In the meantime, I'm just waiting around right now. H is doing a plan A without realizing it, but I told him that I can't pull feelings of love out of a hat that aren't there. I don't want to go to MC. I don't want him to find out about OM either. I also don't know what to do in SF dept. Do I continue SF with H? I have been a little bit, but don't want to give him mixed signals.

So, what's my next step... if there is one?