Well, I get home from work today around 4:00pm to find my WH has started to take his things out. I know I said this is what I wanted for now, but it really hits home when you see some of his things gone. My kids have been crying especially my D she is 9 and loves her dad very much and just doesn't understand why he is leaving. My 12 year old (boy) is so very angry and very difficult to control he is lashing out at everybody except H, go figure! my 15 year old (boy) is trying very hard to help me and he is doing so much, but of course he is upset. So I proceeded to call him on his cell phone, I asked him if he could talk to the kids (I was crying as I said this) he did, and he said things like: I'm not leaving you, I'm leaving mommy, I still love you and will always be your dad no matter what. Anyway I took back the phone and we got in to a LB, I was saying to him how I can't believe what he is doing etc. I asked him if there was anyhting inside him that wanted to get help and work this out?? He told me he thinks that I will never stop bringing up OW and it would never work. I think this is just an excuse for him to leave, I believe he is still seeing OW and won't admit it. What man leaves there kids because he thinks his wife is going to constantly bring up A?? thats is ridiculos. Can anyone give any insight on this one?? Thanks Sally

Hi Sally,<P>I know this a horrible day for you and the kids. But try and think of it another way, things could not go on the way they were. Nothing was being resolved in the current situation and this could very well be the thing that your husband needed to open his eyes to the fact that he needs his family.<P>I know it's traumatic, but now is not the time to say or do things because you are in shock. The kids are in shock too and they need you to be calm. Please try and calm down and take a deep breath. And just keep reminding yourself that this could very well be a step for the positive in your marriage. <P>big hug: {{{{{{{{{{{{{{SALLY}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Yep...they will give any excuse...just like you will try to refute any excuse...<P>It is hard on kids...mine are much younger but had similar responses...middle son (5 1/2)lashes out at me and not father...most say it is because he feel safe with me...<P>Oldest son (8) became a caretaker...youngest son (2) was clueless mostly, thank goodness...<P>I just sat mine down and was very calm with them...I tried not to cry around them...but wasn't always successful..just like some of our fights have been around them...<P>Just do something quiet...all of you...and talk about it as quietly as possible...Dad is in a place where he needs to figure out his life...he has told you he still loves you and will be there for you (don't make any promises for him).<P>If you pray as a family...pray that Dad stays safe and stays with God...that God will take care of him and bring him safely home....<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

You are so right Dana114, you just gave me some hope. I will hold on to what you said and hopefully someday he will see what he gave up. I am trying to be calm, my mom is here and she is helping me with the kids tonight. it def. could not go on anymore the way it was. Thank you so much for the big hug. Love Sally

SS<BR>I am really sorry for your pain. I will never forget the numb feeling I had when H left.<P>I remember when I first discovered my H's A. Needless to say I don't have to mention how devastated I was. You already know this. He had said that they were just friends. Anyway, I wouldn't let up. I kept bringing it up and asking questions whilst searching and finding more proof. I was totally shocked, when he said THAT'S IT, I can't live like this, I'm leaving. You won't believe what my stupid and belittling reply was. I said, Please give me another chance? (talk about no pride)<P>He left, every time I would bring up this ow, even in a thinly disguised way. We would do nothing but argue. This certainly wasn't helping the situation, nevermind, what was left of the marriage.<P>I think the guilt, just eats away at them. So, if they go away and leave, the problem will be gone. right? But, we know that is not so. The problem goes with him, but, he doesn't have to constantly dodge your questions. <P>My H & I only started to become "friends" again, when he felt comfortable that I was not going to throw the affair in his face.<P>Please don't misunderstand. I completely understand your emotions and the reasons for your questions.

Hi Cali, Thank you so much for what you have said. It helps me so much get have support like this. i really love you guys for helping me. We will pray that God will help him and keep him safe. love Sally

SS<P>I just wanted to also add, that if my H hadn't of left, I don't think we would have ever recovered. We or at least he needed it, in order to recover and dump ow, for good. <P>Take care of yourself and kids.

To patient1, it's very difficult not to bring up A to him, Its only been a month since I found out, and it eats away at me, I know that is wrong. He really feels that I will never stop bringing it up to him. Ya know I honestly could stop if he rally showed me that he wanted the m to work. I guess time will tell, if God wants us together it will be. Its very difficult watching him take his things. I will be strong. thanks for encouragement. love Sally

patient1, I totally agree, I think it is best he leave right now, because I don't think he is finished with OW.I feel it is the only hope. But I am in shock. love Sally

SS<P>I know it eats away at you. IMO there is nothing worse than discovering your S had had an affair. I discovered my H's affair in 9/98 and we seperated in 04/99.<P>How does your H react when you bring up the A?<P>He is not going to give you all of the answers now, anyway. He will probably tell you many lies. This can change over time when he is ready. Time can work wonders.

Sally I really feel for you! My kids were 13, 9 and 3 when H moved out to live with OW last March. H and I sat them down and told them that 'daddy needed time to think' boy what an understatement! My oldest is very sensitive and promptly flunked a math test afterwards. She kept crying. I called H to let him listen to her. He got angry with me and said, "Lets not put the kids in the middle of this!" I told him WHERE ELSE would the 3 of them BE? YOU"RE their father and I"M their mother!!!! He lived out of the house for about 6 wks.He said he'd stay with friends but of course he went to OW"s condo. I plan A'ed when he came by- didnt discuss our future together at all.I learned the hard way that when I did that it always led to him spouting off things that OW had told him. He would sometimes bring up divorce but that would always lead to a fight. I finally learned from an attorney friend at church to refuse to discuss D since I am against it. When he would bring it up I would say, " You know divorce would harm our kids so I wont discuss it further with you." This made him realize that HE and OW were the ones fueling that fire!!!! It nearly killed me but I refused to ask him about if he was coming back to me and the kids. One time I discovered he'd been visiting apts during his lunch hr because I got a thank you note from a leasing agent in the mail- H had used our home address on his visit there!!!???? That day I did slip up some- I asked him, "Have you found your own place yet?" as casual as I could muster. He said, 'not yet-its confusing." The very next wk he decided to move back home. I think it helped alot that H could see that I could pull myself together and manage with or without him. I would cry as soon as he would leave for OW"s place though!!!!! I'm not made of stone! The one good thing about him being gone was though that there was lots less tension and fighting except when he came by at nights to visit the kids. I had to put him on a schedule for that because he came by too often due to feeling guilty. Take care- lifeismessy

Patient1 you asked how my H reacts when I bring up A, well he tries to justify it by saying it was my fault for the way I treated him over the years. I wasn't perfect but I was always there for him, I didn't do anything to justify what he has done. Sally

Hi lifeismessy, Hope your having a better day then me. My parents got divorced when I was 12, I can remember to this day how I felt when he left, When WH said to our kids that he is not leaving them, thats bullsh** kids don't see this like adults do. All they see is that dad is packing his things and leaving, It kills me to see my kids suffer like this, because I went through this and i swore my kids would never have to go through that pain, boy was I wrong. We don't seem to be able to discuss anything anymore without getting into a fight. I am not bringing up anything to him anymore unless its about money or the kids. Thanks Sally

Dear Sally,<P>It is not possible to move out on mom and not the children if you have the children with you. You can not pound that sense into him now. <P>Let him see your children are hurting, remove your feelings on this subject (hear me out first), let him figure out how he can move out of the house away from the kids and still be there for them. Don't shoulder that responsibility Sally. <P>When your children act up and get made, notify your H. Don't enable him in this area. REAL IMPORTANT!!!! <P>As far as him distancing himself from you. Let him. Let him prove this illogic logic to himself. He can on more do that than defy gravity without any assistance. <P>Work with your kids. If they need counseling get it for them. Let them know you are there for them. Let them vent to you or whoever they are comfortable with, as long as they let you know who it is (would be helpful). Reassure the love of both parents. When your children ask those hard questions, like but why did my daddy leave? doesn't he love you mom? does daddy love the other lady more than us? Acknowledge they are important questions and direct them to him for the answers. <P>My 6 year old wrote his dad a very simple 4 sentence letter. He composed and wrote it himself. I could not have done a better job. Those 4 sentences meant more to H than my 4 months of talking.... really..... use the power of your children to help your H. Where and when they can. Don't force them to do anything, they will do what they need. Children are instinctive about survival. <P>Concentrate on your children. They need you and you need them. They will be there for you in their own way. You may be surprised. Notify those they are close to that your chidlren may open up to them. <P>It was cruel of your H to move out in front of the children. The older ones will remember that. He will have to answer to them also if and when he wants to come home.<P>L.

Hi orchid,its nice to hear from you, I just having another bad day, I am okay with him leaving i am just worried about the kids, they will need counseling especially the middle one he has the most anger, that worries me. Also H didn't move things in front of kids, kids noticed when they got home fromschool that some of his things were gone. sorry for the misunderstanding. I want to concentrate on the kids and myself but I find myself consumed in him and the A, the visions keep getting worse. Luckily I have a very close knit family , my B went through a very nasty D a few years ago so he has been very helpful to me. Also I have told H about our 12 year old lashing out ,but he doesn't seem to want to do anything about it, H needs to spend more time with him but doesn't, to busy working or with OW. Well I could go on forever you all have been so great to me, Thank you for all advice and responses. love Sally

ss and others,<P>Your words ring so true. Right know I am also concerned about the effect on kids. Son(14) is quite and seems to disappear. When we told D last Oct about just going to C it was about the same time her grandfather died and she had the worst 1 sem. of college possible. Now again at the beginning of her second year at college we now tell D H has a girlfriend. We had a hard time contacting her and needed to tell her before son talk to her. H told her while she was out with friends eating a steak dinner. She didn't call back for 4 days - very unusal and was very distant.<P> It took nine months before the truth about his current affair came out. When H told me back in O 2000 all he could discuss was his 1st affair and he was just friends now. From Oct. 2000 to July,#2 I survived, when I found out about OW#2 he told me that he loved this lady. <P>I decided to do things for myself that I always wanted to do and planned them, if he went along fine if he didn't his loss. He had never even thought I had this side - I told him he just allows expected me to me a MOM and I was. I told him I was never really given the opportunity to have a life with out kids being around. I found it was a time of my on self discovery. Although I still have some bad- bad days. <BR>Love to all of you - You truely have great words of comfort.<BR>Thanks

Thanks exploding, We all find such comfort in communicating with each other. The advice I have gotten here has helped me a great deal I don't know what I would do without it. The Kids are my main concern, It kills me to see them go through this, i know that there are not the only ones. I am going to send my D she is 9 to a group for children her age to discuss there fears of parents seperating my church is offering this group, I think it will help her. As for the boys they will need counseling I'm sure.It took 14 months for my H A to come out, and if I didn't find the evidence he would have never told me, he would have kept living 2 lives. Hopefully I can help someone on here, right now I am having a hard time helping myself. Thanks Sally

Dear Sally,<P>I know how heartwrenching this day has been for you and your kids. It is such a horrible nightmare.<P>Your kids will definitely need you now...It is so very difficult when you are hurting also.<P>My kids have really been the strong ones for me....on my worst days they have comforted me. I need to get strong now to be there for them.<P>I wish you the best, this pain is so senseless. I guess the only thing that works now is to leave it in God's hands, find help when needed and continue to post here. You will be in my prayers tonight. MnM

Sad Sally----I know exactly how you feel cause my H left yesterday. I ache for you. It is so painful to feel this kind of rejection and to watch your kids feel it, too. I left the house for the day and when I returned, it took my breath away to see some of the missing furniture we agreed he would take. <P>I know that WS has to think for himself and he has to discover what he wants. If he stayed here or comes back without making his own decision, we will live in marital hell for the rest of lives. I do not want him back unless he wants to be here with me. I know your kids need their Dad but you really have to work through your feelings so that the tension subsides so that your WS can feel and see his need to care for his children. That should be the priority now....not him coming back or leaving OW. <P>I know how the mind obsesses cause I have an overactive one but I am constantly asking God to forgive my obsession and help me to Let Go and Let God work. God has his ways of getting through to us and WS. He is more effective if we work with Him and not for Him. Fight those obsessive thoughts....it is the only way to survival.<P>My son is 30 yrs old and is very mad at his Dad. It does not matter how old children are. They are effected by what we do. My son will not discuss with me anything about his Dad and he has expressed his anger in an e-mail to his Dad. He has not talked to him in over 4 months. My H is the type that will not overcome any negative feelings to reach out to anyone so I fear that they will not resolve or see each other again. That is heartbreaking!!!!! But I will not stop praying that God will intervene. They had a tough relationship all their lives and I prayed many times for help for them to get along. They were really good friends before this happened.<P>Are you in counseling....or on any medication? Continue to get the support you need and try to learn to let go....it is so freeing. There is a time and a place to confront but doing it continually will destroy everyone.<P>Praying for you,<BR>TW

hey sally,<P>my wife has asked for a seperation/divorse, as of this time i havent left. i dont know if i could put my kids through what your H has done your. But my W is set on my leaving and getting on with her life. This is killing me. I dont want to hurt my kids and or my W. I dont know what to do!!!!!!!.............HELP.