<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Keep Smiling:<BR><B>who,<BR>I don't know if you have followed our story at all. My H SEM just found out about 3 other A's on the 11th that I had 4 yrs ago. My MIL and I were ok until she found out that there was more. I know she still loves me , but it almost as hurt as SEM.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>KS,<P>Yes I have followed your story. I guess I'm so persistant because I've lived through this for the past 10 months. My W avoided my mom and my family because of her fears. I now see them finally getting back to the relationship and feeling comfortable around each other. If your not ready then don't initiate contact but I think all that will do is make your MIL feel sad and confused. She didn't do anything wrong and has lost a relationship. I don't see any way you could hurt the situation by dropping a little note that says you are having a hard time with things and need some time and space but your relationship with her is important to you. Let her know that you know things might be different for awhile but you want her as a friend. <P>Your MIL has extensive experience with inlaws. She will probably surprise you.<P>Ask your H what he thinks. He can probably give you the best read on your MIL.<P><BR>Good luck,<P><BR>who <BR>

KS, This is very interesting, because I am struggling this very issue of telling family/friends. As soon as I found out about my H's A, I went home to my family and I couldn't help but tell my mom. I was so upset and she advised me to stay in the marriage. I couldn't believe that, but she told me that my H didn't want a divorce and that the OW would grow tired of it and leave him. Mom's intuition! She has been my support. My brother in law has known all along and he has been my support as well. They were the only ones who knew until 4 months ago, as the affair is still going on (16 months), I told a friend ( who was going through a similar situation), my father and my sister in law. The one person who does not know is my MIL and FIL. My H is very close to his parents and I know he will be ashamed of this. But I want to tell them because I feel that they are my source of help, but I have yet to say anything. I fear that my H will look at it as me putting revenge on him for what he has done and he will automatically divorce me. Yes, I am scared. Deep down. I want to tell them, just waitng for the right moment. I am really sure they suspect something. So, I think it helps to tell no matter how hard it is. But if you are willing to work on the marriage and confess then they will help you too. Hope this helps

who,<BR>sounds great and all but still hard to do. I don't know ther address to there boat. So should I e-mail them or wait. I will definatley talk to H about it and what ot say or write, but it will take time.<P>spider,<BR>Why do you want to tell them so bad? I can only imagine what your H feels. It's all about reputation, and no one wants a bad one , ecspecially in their parents eyes.

I've only told my brother - he is stationed in Hawaii, knows how to keep a secret, and we haven't seen him for several years anyway. Other than that, only the posts to this board. I wouldn't tell anyone my wife to know, because definitely that would LB and affect relationships long term, no matter what happens in the marriage. I think the BS needs someone to talk to, but outside the circle of mutual friends.<P>I have a good relationship with my FIL and would like to maintain that. If he finds out I would probably send an email or letter. Maybe I should think about drafting that ahead of time...<P>Several months ago I was on the phone with a sister-in-law, helping her design a Web page. Then at the end she said "I know things are not going well and I'm rooting for you two, I hope you don't end up an old divorcee like me." So I acknowledged and thanked her but didn't elaborate on it. Looking back, I'm not sure that she knew about the As, because of the timing. I knew, but my wife didn't know that I knew. <P>Right now I will talk around it or be evasive, and actually I have a few times. But if asked directly about an affair I couldn't/wouldn't say "not that I know of" even to my kids. I'm enabling my wife via plan A, but lying is beyond the boundary.<P>IMHO, anyone who simply asks the direct question "is your W/H having an affair?" is being insensitive and hurtful. It's either planting seeds of doubt unnecessarily, or rubbing it in if the BS already knows. If the friend is actually bringing specific information for the first time, that might be different.<P>Not much in the way of advice. But if your MIL already knows, I would say something in writing, that's easier. Your MIL probably wants to hear from you as well. Also, your H needs to realize this is damaging his prospects, if he continues to just tell people about it. I don't know all the details of your story but my wife has had 3 OMs that I know about since January. I still see the importance of keeping this quiet as long as possible.<P>- Tom

Ok, I see a lot of questions about my actions and other things I think I need to clear up here, so I feel I need to post to my W's thread. <P>I never intended to tell my mother about her As. I actually did tell my mother that we were having serious problems in our marriage and that we were seeing a marriage counselor. I told my mother that we ended my Ws friendship with her bestfriend bc her friend was a bad influence in our marriage. My mother asked me about a week later if my W had an A with her friend (who is female and did go through a short period of dating a lesbien). I was at a loss for words and the only option I felt I had was to tell my mother that that was untrue and explain she had an A with a man.<P>I only told my mother I learned of more information on the A, rather than telling her KS had 3 more As. I only told her I learned more about the A because I wanted someone to watch our kids for a couple of days and I know she wouldn't have if I didn't give a good reason. As far as the kids go, I wanted someone to watch them while KS and I sorted things out...It is hard to deal with when you learn of 3 more As. I didn't want the children neglected while we were buisy talking and sorting things out with all this.<P>I also have told KS to call my mother, I know my mother, and I know she will be supportive and give good advice. My mother loves KS like a daughter, More so than any of my other sister-in-laws. I know this because of how I see their relationship, and my mother has even told me this. My mother has made mistakes as well (3rd marriage) and she knows KS made some mistakes. She may see her in a different light, and even told me she doesn't see KS as so innocent anymore, but she still loves KS and will still be her Mother. <P>I actually asked my mother to call KS and talk to her about it, and explain that she doesn't see KS as the terrible person KS thinks she is. I only wish my mother would have called her, but I think she is having the same problem KS is having, they are just afraid of conflict.