That is a good point BH, my wife threw up when we had this talk, so you may want to keep appropriate supplies nearby too. She also became hysterical, and ran away. I didn't know whether to let her be, or what, she said stay away.... but I sorta followed her, and just kept talking quietly to her, and telling her she did not deserve this, that it was not her fault in any way...seemed to help, she eventually let me touch her, I think that is important. Went on for hours, finally she calmed down and went to bed, just before she did she apologized for all the LB'ing she was doing, I told her that does not apply under these circumstances. Whatever you do, do not defend yourself in any way at all (no matter what she says, calls you, accuses you of), just reassure, and listen. And do not tell her any lies, or anything you don't mean. If you don't want to talk about something, then just don't, tell her you can't now, but will soon. And don't tell her it will be allright, you don't know that, just tell her you are not going anywhere, and will work on sorting this all out. Like the others have said, it will be bad, very bad, but it will also be a needed releif for all of you...much better the monster you can see, than the one hiding in the bushes. Good luck

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by still in shock:<BR><B>BH,<P>You asked about the questions/details that might come up. You expressed horror at answering questions about the sex itself. Your W may be different than me, some women don't want to know the details, but I did. I thought I'd give you a list of questions that I wanted to know the answer to:<P>-was it better than it is with me? (it sounds like for you, the answer is yes, maybe you could just say "different, not better"...<BR>-did you give/receive oral sex<BR>-did she have orgasms<BR>-how many times did you have sex with her<BR>-when, where<BR>-how did it happen, the first time...what led up to it. <BR>-did you take showers/baths together<BR>-did you go out together, dinner, dancing, shopping, anything<BR>-did you meet her friends/family/kids<BR>-did she spend the night<BR>-how long did you lay in bed with her afterwards, what did you talk about during that time<BR>-what did you talk about at other times/what did you ahve in common<BR>-did you talk about me<BR>-did she want a future with you<BR>-did you want a future with her<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Oh my God, I think I'd rather die than have to answer those questions. you have got to be kidding me. Think of the worst possible answers you could ever get to those questions, would you still want to know?

BadHubby,<P>Those questions were asked, and so was my list...and the answers hurt beyond belief...but YES, I wanted to know. Why? Because the scenarios i dreampt up were far worse, worse than anything he told me, and i didn't want to torture myself wondering if, if, if all the time. I needed facts to deal with, and eventually get over.<P>BadHubby, you are in for a hard time...and so is your wife...but these questions won't all come out at once. I kept asking stuff, every day, which drove my H crazy. So we agreed that I write a list and we make a time for discussion...another idea is to set aside a permanent time to talk about it once a week, and not at other times. <P>Be there for your w, snl has some good points...and yes many of us were physically ill when our H's confessed.<P>Jacky

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR><B>BadHubby,<P>Because the scenarios i dreampt up were far worse, worse than anything he told me, and i didn't want to torture myself wondering if, if, if all the time. <P>Jacky</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Ok maybe I missed something. Let's say that the real answers to your questions were 10 times worse than what you could have ever dreamed...you'd still want to know?<BR>

Hi BH,<P>You must tell your wife ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING -- be HONEST!! No matter how bad it is!!! My ex waited 15 years to spill the entire truth, and I ALREADY KNEW, even though he'd never said -- I bet you won't shock your wife as much as you think you will. <P>You're doing GREAT, don't stop now!!<P>Best wishes...<P>

Hi,<P>Maybe it's just me, but the ONE thing I really hate about all this is the lies. All lies, big, small, ones said so my feelings won't get hurt, half-truths, white lies. I hate it. And if the answers were 10 times worse, then at least I would know the truth...and then it would be up to me to decide if I wanted to stay with someone who had done despicable things, but had been totally honest with me, compared to staying with someone who is still lying, thereby not earning the right to receive my forgiveness or trust.<P>If your wife asks any really, really bad questions, and she will be hurt by the answer...tell her so "The answer to that will hurt you, I want you to be prepared for it. But I want to be honest with you if that is what you want."<P>Jacky

Sounds very reasonable Nina. I can buy that. Thanks.<BR>

BH,<P>I asked my H those same questions that Still In Shock listed. As hard as you imagine this is going to be, you will have wished it was that easy.<P>You need to do this. Stop thinking of the "what ifs" ... jump in and start swimmming. We will be here for you and wife.<P>The longer you wait, the more likely your W will confront YOU with evidence ... are you listening to ME???? lol<P>Jo

She WILL already know stuff, that's why she's asking you if you are having an A. And if you keep denying it you are sending her this message:<P>"I know you know, but I don't have enough respect for your intelligence to tell you the truth. I'd just rather treat you like a mushroom, and a stupid mushroom at that."<P>It's harsh, huh? But that is exactly the message I received when my H kept lying, or telling me little bitty bits. Currently, he says he is only 'seeing' OW. Yeah, right.<P><P>------------------<BR>"When the going gets tough, the tough get going" - Nina's dad.

BH:<P>We all know how you feel...but all the advice is good.<P>D-Day for me Feb 2001 was a total shock.<P>My H did just what you are doing and dragged it out for days. He told me "it's not as bad as you think" . Well, I love my H and I wanted to believe it wasn't bad. (even though I was going crazy wondering & worrying)<P>When H finally confessed it was 2 one night stands..no intercourse..no overnight sleeping & 10 years ago & #2 was 3 years ago.<P>All I wanted to know was who & why? Then I puked my brains out. I cried hysterically for days, drank, drank & drank.<P>Ended up in the hospital. I was so devastated. After leaving the H I tried to understand my H, but then the ??? started.<P>What did you exactly do? Was it good/better? At the time my H still blamed me for his A's and he said Yes, the sex was great because it was all the things I wouldn't do. (Those words hurt me to this day...even though H now says he just wanted to hurt me)<P>D-Day #2 was 2 weeks later. The One nighters were really a one year A with lots of sex...#2 was really #4....<P>#2 was a 3+ year affair w/ secretary...they went away, slept together etc etc (I have asked for every single detail...it sucks) #3 was a one night stand & #4 was a college friend that lasted 1 year.<P>My recovery has been impossible...because H did not tell the whole truth from the start I have a hard time believing him...<P>He also denied ever spending the night<BR>Ever going away<BR>Ever having oral sex<BR>Ever going to dinner<P>It was as bad as bad can be & it took my H 7 months to tell it.....it has made it so much harder on me & now him, because I constantly ask him same ??? over * over because he has lied so much.<P><BR>Tell her all. Don't tell her the sex was better. Tell her it was a mistake...it felt wrong..not good...wrong & you want to find out why you did it & fix it because you don't ever want to do it again.<P>My H says it was a "release" & he never loved them & always "pretended" it was me.......I do not believe him.<P><BR>Rebuild the trust now before you get so deep you can't rebuild. It will be very hard NOW, but it WILL make it easier in the long run.<P>Don't back away from her. Let her yell, scream, cry..whatever. Don't get angry, don't fight back...Show your remorse,guilt & regret over & over & over again. And don't EVER stop showing it.<P><BR>Good Luck<P><BR>Lisa<BR>

Bad Hubby,<P>Pay attention to every single thing louser has said, I experienced almost idenitical emotions, and felt the same about disclosure and lieing. DON'T LIE!<P>And show remorse if you feel it, make sure she sees you are remorseful, it IS KEY! If you don't you can expect a harder recovery. <P>Love,<BR>Jo<P>p.s. Louser, I'm sorry for your pain. I know precisely how you feel and felt. God Bless you.<P>

Just a little encouragement...the fear...actually good. The remorse..even better. I am sincere.<P>BH, I ended things with OM on Valentine's day, had a nightmare during the night, got up shaking and prayed by my favorite rocking chair. I knew I had no choice.<P>Strangely the other day H said to me maybe it would have been better if I had never confessed but I asked him how on earth I could have kept such a secret (I was never a good liar and that's why H stayed in denial so long but I ended things partly because I was becoming an expert liar) and gotten better and healed our M. He had to agree. <P>It's hard work; it's not easy. It seems like the A beginning was real easy and breaking it--total termination--brings many unwanted feelings. <P>What you are experiencing is normal.<P>How did the meeting go?<P>We care so much about you. We are all here for you. May God bring comfort to you and I pray your W will choose you again.<P>Hugs.

I just posted this link on a different post and Nina suggested that perhaps you should read this also. <P>This is a letter from a BS (joseph) to his W after discovering her affair. Originally posted on the old Ban board, it has been reposted on almost all the affairs boards many times, including this one. If you have never read it, I urge you to do so. A VERY powerful post...<BR> <A HREF="http://suite101.com/mypage.cfm/contactliz/10633" TARGET=_blank>http://suite101.com/mypage.cfm/contactliz/10633</A> <P>PLEASE, think about it......<BR>

First: Our bomb hit the day after, on 9/12.<P>The climate is very cold. He's very polite when he wants to pick up a few more of his things, and always remembers to say thank you, hopefully recognizing that I'm being more than reasonable.<P>He moved out on 9/17.<P>Married 22 years. I thought very happily, but he now says he hasn't been happy for years and has had repeated affairs.<P>Two children, daughter, almost 18 years, son, 15 years. He actually said that his happiness was more important than what this would do to them. They'll get over it.<P>I've only been told about 3, though I'm sure now there were more. Don't have any idea because he's not telling.<P>The letter I wrote was to file for divorce because he adamantly refuses to consider any reconciliation.<P>It's okay if you wanna be nosy. I'd give anything to be able to understand the why of it all because I think it would help me get on with my life.<P>He's now showing more interest in participating in kids activities. Son is allowing, daughter is refusing.<P>Whether he's happy or not - I have no way of knowing. I have so much anger and frustration toward him that I can't find anything kind or gentle to say. I won't do it, but I still want to inflict on him the kind of pain he has inflicted on me.<P>How's that?<P>Thanks [/B][/QUOTE]<P>