Lyndilou,<p>Wanted to let you know that you have been handed the classic WS lines. Taken right out of the WS textbook. <p>Now, read the quote below. It is Lor's post. Read it carefully. A lot of your answers are there. Lor and her H have both posted here before. She has been here a long time and is well aware of the pattern these A's take. <p>Lor's post:<p>Lyndi,
I've been where you are, hurt, alone, scared. But you know what? Even if you never get your marriage back together, you'll go on. Haltingly at first, but you would find a way. You have a child, and that is one of the best reasons to build a good life, maybe not the life you thought you'd have, but still good.
Reaching that point was major for me. Knowing that I would survive without my H. In fact, I felt so confident of that, I served the D papers as we were about 2 years into the bad times, and in our 7th separation.<p>Then we got back together. I'm still wondering a bit on the "how" . I had made the decision I was done. I'd done an 18 month Plan A...H obviously moved in & out of the house several times. The last time, that was IT as far as I was concerned.<p>I didn't exactly do Plan B, though I had tried to 2 other times. I drew my boundaries, acted "as if" we were divorced, he was no longer my best friend, my lover (we'd continued a physical relationship through much of the separations, except the first & last ones), I wasn't his counselor, he wasnt my confidant, just the father of my kids.<p>It was a big change in attitude for me. My H had a complete change of heart and turnaround, he discovered he did want the marriage, the family. He didn't want me having a romantic relationship with the male friend I had (very ill-advised on my part, don't do that).<p>My H began to Plan A me, he also went to counseling on his own, took his anti-depressants, got through his OW withdrawal, went to a men's Bible study, was very accountable to me, even though I wasn't exactly asking for that anymore...you can read his posts in GQII, his name is Guard in Feb & March 2000. I stopped seeing the guy, and 2 months later my H moved home, in May 2000.<p>Not exactly a blueprint you can follow, but it is an example of Plan A--both his & mine--working. He said that during my Plan A, even though he wasn't responsive much of the time, he knew I loved him...and that made a difference when it seemed I had finally fallen out of love with him.<p>If you aren't on anti-depressants, you may want to check into that. I was on them for about 6 months Sep 99- Mar 00 and I found it helped me to focus and make my own decisions more clearly--even if I made some poor decisions during that time.<p>Being best friends was probably the biggest part of our relationship during the bad times. And it is what we are rebuidling on.<p>--------------------<p>Lor
"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8<p>
Now, as soon as you can, respond to Lor. I know you are fairly new here but do not pass up a good opportunity. Lor can give you some good advice to think about. Implementing plan A vs plan B requires some studying. Read up on it. Ask your questions, listen and learn. Then when you are in the position to implement it, you will be ready. <p>It is worth the effort. <p>Take Care,
L.

Thanks orchid, I understand what you are saying.<p>Lor,<p>How did you manage to Plan A for so long, when it must of been hurting you so much? You must know yourself how painful it is when you are getting no affection at all, how did you do it?<p>I think my problem is I am not working, and have to much time on my hands, and just think about my H all of the time.<p>Do you think I have more chance of getting my H feelings to return then if I go back to being "friends" with him? and in the meantime try and get myself a job, so my whole life is not revolved around him.<p>What do you think?<p>Lynne

Lyndi,
I stayed Plan A for so long because I truly wanted to stay at the point where reconciliation was possible. My marriage was the optimal outcome for me. I also had good friends who prayed with me. After the first year I found an excellent Christian counselor, although my pastor was also a great help.<p>And, of course, MB, the boards availabel 24 hours a day. At one point or another, I'm sure I've utilized every single hour.<p>No affection...my kids are older, 10 & 13 at that time, now 13 & 16 and eminently huggable. I also found that working out lifting weights followed by a sauna helped keep me grounded physically.<p>I was a stay at home mom when my kids were little, and I wouldn't trade those 6 years for the world. I would hate to advise you to get a job. If you have a church, see if they have a young mother's group, or at the Y or the library. Put the baby in a backpack or stroller walk somewhere.<p>As for wether you should be in Plan A or B. How are you feeling a few days later? If you are feeling better, B is probably good, saving that drain on the lovebank. A long Plan A really isn't for everyone, it was probably too long for me, as I got to the point of not caring and just wanting out.<p>Being friends with my H was nice, and it laid a good groundwork when we did get back together. But, Plan A by itself was not enough. And though I did not do B correctly, my H realized he was losing me/lost me and I think that was part of his turnaround. Before that, he'd treated me pretty badly...7 separations, multiple resumptions of the affair, so much lying are evidence enough of that, and perhaps didn't think there was any way to lose me.<p>If you haven't had contact for a few days now, you've got a good start on B, and your emotions may start evening out.<p>Orchid, you're good [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>[ October 25, 2001: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</p>

Thankyou for replying Lor<p>I do apologise for not replying to your post before.<p>I do admire you for sticking at Plan A for so long, you must be such a strong Lady!<p>I must admit things are not getting any easier, it has been nearly 2 weeks now. I am feeling so depressed most of the time, no enthusiasm to do anything.<p>I did text H last night, and asked him if he felt if he needed some time and space and would it help if we continued having no contact. He hasnt replyed so that has really upset me now, maybe hes telling me he doesnt want to talk to me.<p>I know I shouldnt of contacted him, defeating the object, but I thought he might of felt now that he needed time out from us, then if that was the case, it would of made my mind up for me.<p>
I wonder if I have totally blown it now!<p>Lynne

Lyndi,
You haven't blown anything. It's very difficult to stop contact. I always felt better if I could talk to or see my H...until he cut off the conversation or walked out the door. And then it was the same as before I talked to him.<p>It's really difficult to know exactly if someone else should do Plan A or move to B. You do know your H, or at least who he was before the A. Did he need space or did he like closeness? He probably has many of those same emotional needs now. Sometimes even when the other person doesn't take the ENQ, if you think about it, about what they've said, how they've acted in the past you can get a pretty good idea of their EN. Meeting the WS needs is good, as long as it doesn't drain the life out of you.<p>Being depressed under your circumstances is very normal and very real. It's crummy what you are going through. You have to take care of yourself. I really recommend exercise, it helps your body deal physically with the stress and also provides endomorphins which ease depression. Do things that you usually enjoy, even if you don't think it is worth it--like music, reading, crafts, lighting candles (fires!), eating your favorite foods, movies, shopping, sports...whatever it is.<p>Reach out to your friends as well. Phone calls, coffee, however you can work it into your schedule. I once wrote out a 6 weeks schedule of once a week lunches with different friends. I think I only had 2 of those lunches, but it made me feel better to know it was something I could do.<p>You've got your life ahead of you. It may not be the life you planned, but it is still yours.

Lor,<p>I texted h again tonight. I asked him again if he felt he needed the space or not, he texted me back saying "Dont know much, but I do miss you", and said he would prefer it if we were friends.<p>So I think I will go back to Plan A next week, even though it does hurt, I think by what you have said, I have more chance of H loving me again if we are best friends, than being apart, at least I get to see him, and have a hug when we say goodbye.<p>
I know his top EN is affection, he was always very tactile, but of course now with no feelings for me he doesnt touch me, so its difficult to meet that one.<p>
You are right I need to try and do more things for me, get involved in more activities, even when I go back to Plan A, so I am still getting on with my own life without him here.<p>I know all my friends will say I am mad being friends with him, they all say he is having his cake and eating it, the best of both worlds, he has walked away from all his responsibilites, and now has a single life, but has got me as his friend, so why would he want me as his wife? Its up to them what they think, they are not the one in love with him.<p>Thankyou Lor so much for your support and advice you have really been a big help, I appreciate it.<p> I think this time in Plan A, I will try to concentrate more on myself inbetween seeing him, and not sit here wondering if his feelings are changing, just try and enjoy our days out together<p>Thanks again