Cali,<p>You haven't responded, and I'm just a bit concerned. Are you doing okay?<p>Jo

I too, hope that you can stick to your guns on moving to plan B. It is for your own sanity and best interests.<p>I took my wedding ring off on the first day of spring. However, I still wore it on a chain around my neck. H had lost his the year before, so he hadn't been wearing it for a while anyways. When we got back together, for certain, he started wearing my ring (same size as his... both just plain gold bands), and I wore my gold irish claddagh. Guess what? The bugger's lost MY wedding ring!! So now they're BOTH gone (however, mine MIGHT be in the basement somewhere.. assuming the 2 1/2 yr old is the one who got hold of it).<p>What's my point? Keep those wedding rings in a VERY safe place.. and don't let them out of your sight! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

Sorry to worry you Resilient...I had a great (I thought) reply going yesterday...full of self-righteousness...and it went <poof> when my internet connection was <lost>.<p>God works in mysterious ways.<p>As Jeffers indicated&#8230;I had begun to &#8216;overthink&#8217; the whole thing again&#8230;more than that&#8230;I have been pushing to get <control> of my life again&#8230;<control> of my marriage&#8230;I was feeling the need for some emotional space&#8230;I am not used to being emotional&#8230;I&#8217;ve spent the last 24 years in an emotional vacuum and this episode has truly overwhelmed me. For the first time, I find myself with something that I cannot control and cannot cope with by myself&#8230;<p>Did my &#8216;head&#8217; know that I was at the end of some kind of &#8216;artificial&#8217; timeline (6th months for plan A?)&#8230;Was I feeling &#8216;pushed&#8217; into plan B because so many seem to feel that it is time? &#8230;Was I at-the-end-of-my-rope&#8230;because of finding another address? &#8230;Did I take my ring off simply as a way to &#8216;manipulate&#8217; my H because he no longer wears his? &#8230;Am I just physically tired of all the emotional uproar? These are the hard questions I have been asking myself&#8230;.<p>Reading ohmy_marie&#8217;s response helped give me some perspective&#8230;she added to what Jeffers indicated by emotional space&#8230;I need some downtime&#8230;I need to quit picking at the wounds of our marriage&#8230;at the wounds of my H&#8230;I was manipulating, pontificating and educating&#8230;and while some of it may have hit home with my H&#8230;I&#8217;m not sure it was worth the price&#8230;time will tell&#8230;<p>But again, she and Jeffers are so on it&#8230;I choose to be with my H&#8230;I choose my marriage&#8230;my self-respect and self-esteem are NOT at risk if I keep in front of me that it is MY choice&#8230;Whatever my husband chooses to do or not do is ON HIM&#8230;IT IS NOT A REFLECTION OF ME&#8230;and the stuff he says to me is NEVER unsolicited&#8230;it is always said in RESPONSE to something I have said or asked&#8230;<p>My ring is safe in a jewelry box&#8230;I will probably put it back on&#8230;as I&#8217;ve said I think I am using it as manipulation&#8230;you know&#8230; Will he notice? Will he care? Will it hurt him as I have allowed his not wearing his ring to hurt me? As for his ring&#8230;it is on his key ring with his house keys&#8230;not hidden away in a drawer or flung in a dark corner&#8230;but there for him to see everyday&#8230;<p>Yes, Resilient&#8230;I am&#8230;was&#8230;trying to push him into action&#8230;I SO WANT HIM TO CHOOSE ME&#8230;evidence of current contact hurt&#8230;I allowed myself to PUSH back at him and he reacted normally&#8230;he PUSHED back at me&#8230;<p>I purchased Harley&#8217;s new book Fall in Love, Stay in Love earlier this month&#8230;I&#8217;ve had it at school and only glanced at it occasionally during my lunchtimes&#8230;I was led to bring it home and read it Friday night&#8230;<p>Tonight H and I went out and our plans to see a movie went awry&#8230;so we prowled through a couple of used bookstores&#8230;I found Charles Swindoll&#8217;s Strike the Original Match &#8230;here&#8217;s the paragraph that led me to buy it:<p> But deep down inside you, there&#8217;s something tugging at you, urging you to stay at it, to pay the price, to stir up what&#8217;s there rather than kick aside the charred remains of what was once so enjoyable, so fulfilling. That &#8220;something&#8221; dare not be ignored! It may very well be the voice of God quietly yet forcefully reminding you of those words &#8230;.with love, I take you, &#8230;.for better, for worse, &#8230;.till death do us part. That&#8217;s what this book is all about. It offers a strong challenge. I mean it when I say it&#8217;s not for babies. It&#8217;s really designed for you who are willing to get down to business and let the Bible strike the original match as you and your partner glean God&#8217;s timeless truth to help you rekindle that fire. For sure, HE will see you through the whole process. <p>I devoured the book in about an hour. It is simply amazing. SIMPLE. AMAZING.<p>Finally&#8230;I also looked through another book&#8230;an early book by Stormie Omartain&#8230;I don&#8217;t remember the title&#8230;but a sentence leaped out at me&#8230;<p>We are not truly giving up control of our lives, of our wants and desires until we come to God FIRST and ask him to lead and guide us. <p>So let me revise my statement&#8230;I AM NO LONGER FIGHTING&#8230;I WILL LOOK TO GOD TO FIGHT FOR ME AND TO LEAD ME AND TO GUIDE MY EVERY WORD, STEP AND ACTION.<p>Thanks to EVERYONE who has responded&#8230;you all are truly beautiful people.<p>Cali<p>[ October 28, 2001: Message edited by: JustPlainCali ]</p>

It's okay, Cali. I think you made the right choice. Now watch out for his casting lines. He may do and say things to try to reel you back in. It is time for you now. Go for it. <p>(((Cali)))<p>Clouds

Hi cali,
I'm glad you feel so good about what you found in those books. You definitely have to do what YOU feel God is leading you to do... not us, not your heart, and not your H. <p>Please remember that Plan B is not giving up. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] just keep that in mind. I'm not pushing plan B, just throwing that little thought out there.<p>{{{{{{cali}}}}}}

Cali,<p>I also have been not posting much...but doing a lot of reading and thinking.<p>You are so strong. It is time to think of yourself and your kids first. I don't understand why our spouses do what they do. I know I could never do what they have done.<p>You are in my thoughts and prayers....I wish I had more advice to add...but sometimes I can't come up with anything positive. I am tired of living like this...but I do want you to know that you are thought of and prayed for. <p>So many of your posts have truely helped me...know that you are a wonderful person. And I admire you for hanging in there. Take care. Pat

Cali,
(sigh) what about boundries? if you simply continue on, what does that say about what you will allow him to do?<p>I may have missed something, I'll go back and look, but what are your plans now?<p>Stop playing the little games -- sending OW cards, wearing/not wearing rings, and get on to making decisions for your life.

Lexxxy: Stop playing the little games -- sending OW cards, wearing/not wearing rings, and get on to making decisions for your life.<p>Cali: <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Did my &#8216;head&#8217; know that I was at the end of some kind of &#8216;artificial&#8217; timeline (6th months for plan A?)&#8230;Was I feeling &#8216;pushed&#8217; into plan B because so many seem to feel that it is time? &#8230;Was I at-the-end-of-my-rope&#8230;because of finding another address? &#8230;Did I take my ring off simply as a way to &#8216;manipulate&#8217; my H because he no longer wears his? &#8230;Am I just physically tired of all the emotional uproar? These are the hard questions I have been asking myself&#8230;.<hr></blockquote><p>Cali: So let me revise my statement&#8230;I AM NO LONGER FIGHTING&#8230;I WILL LOOK TO GOD TO FIGHT FOR ME AND TO LEAD ME AND TO GUIDE MY EVERY WORD, STEP AND ACTION.<p>I think that has been my point Lexxxy...that's the reason for the post...<p>It has what has saddened me throughout this whole ordeal...THE GAME.<p>I have already benched myself...<p>...boundaries? ...what does it say about what I will allow him to do? <p>What it says is that I believe that it is more important to work through my marital problems than run away from them. That my inner voice, God if you will, is telling me not to give up yet. .<p>But...I am not fighting the rollercoaster or playing manipulative games.<p>Cali

Cali -- I hope you didn't take what I said the wrong way -- going back, it sounded harsher than I meant it.<p>I admire you and the actions you have taken and your outlook. You're a good person, and I really don't want to see your generous nature taken advantage of. <p>What concerns me is that I don't see a plan B in you (ever). You seem to be overflowing with love for a man who keeps on disappointing you. I am concerned that you will never reach the point of Plan B, and I am concerned for your peace of mind and your health (mental and emotional as well as physical). This is beyond what is good for YOU.<p>I think your H has to hit bottom, and I don't think you will ever let him.

I have 'thunk' on that hard question to Lexxxy...I really have...even his own mother says that I am too easy on him...<p>Guess that probably comes from having a long-distant father and two evil stepfathers...lots of male issues and abandonment issues to work out...<p>But I truly believe I know the essence of my H...he is a truly good, sensitive man who is NOT INTENTIALLY hurting me...in fact, I see that he is hurting himself as much or more...his inner struggle is visible to the eye...<p>Way back when I started to feel stronger, I talked of 'fixing' and 'changing' myself...I am going to concentrate on that...and who knows the result...maybe it will be us separating...maybe not...<p>Thank you for your concern...it is not all bad...we are truly good friends...there is not any arguing...fighting or much of anything like that...even the discussions we have are initiated by me...<p>In fact, our house is more peaceful than it has ever been and we are (okay...no assumptions...) I am having more fun with him than ever...<p>Cali

Hi Cali. <<<<hugs>>>>><p>My H efft up his life pretty bad. His only saving grace was from individual counseling and the marriage counseling. He's been slacking off on that lately and I can really tell the difference.<p>Only your H can fix his problems. You cannot do anything, you have no power to fix his life. Until he gets his act together you will be spinning your wheels forever.<p>yes, there are things you can do to make it easier for him to figure things out (when the time comes and he gets help). But first, he has to get help, until that happens you need to seperate youself from him because he will keep bringing you down.<p>It sounds like that is what you are doing. Possibly even going to plan B. Good for you, it is your only recourse until he helps himself.<p>You can do no more. It is not up to you. God and himself, that is it.<p>Believe me, I've been struggling with this in individual counseling for quite some time. <p>You can go back and change whatever you want from the past. It won't change a darn thing, the circumstances may be different, but the outcome the same. Until they start to help themselves, we are just spinning our wheels...<p>Good luck!
HbH