Thank you for replying, trueheart. <p>Pammyn, who is a long time friend of my W and I called to speak to my W Sunday night. Pammyn, slipped or mentioned (accidently or on purpose) that I was posting here on MB as she was talking to my W. Regardless of the conversation, which was about an hour long, my W, the OM and the neighbor now knows my identity here. <p>I left MB 2 other times because of the discovery of my posts over the last 3 years. Putting my life and that of my W here on this site is a huge LB for her. While trying not to LB over the past 6 months, with words or actions, in the heat of the moment, the biasness and weakness of all of us BS, is ever present in our posts. And that biasness has definetly been in mine. I have alot of faults, and I definetly did the greatest damage to my marriage before there was any reason to be a part of MB. <p>There are always 2 sides to every story and we unfortunately only hear what we see in each others posts. Although at the time of our posts, our intent is not to talk in a bad light of our WS, it is inevitable in this medium that our ventings and anger comes out, our perceptions are wrong and possibly very damaging. Our perceptions of the truth, at times couldn't be further from the truth, but we don't go back and correct the things that are erroneous, because we don't really know what the truth is anymore. And that becomes a LB and a disrespectful judgement. We make assumptions of the facts, because to ask every minute of our WS if they are being honest and truthful, or what they are doing to begin with are LB's. So we avoid the LB and make assumptions. Because there are those of us who are not in recovery, walls of protection go up in the protection of our self. We seek the advice of others in the hopes that we may gain the knowledge from others here, about ourselves and about our WS, to save our marriages. When those walls are discovered here at MB, rather than through conversation at home, as it should be, that self protection, which is instinctual in its simplest form takes precedence. <p>When all of these forms of communication here at MB are displayed to our WS, it is inevitable that there is something somewhere in our posts that is going to cause walls to go up with our spouse. <p>I do not have the luxury as many of us here do, to have a fulltime counselor where these things could be spoken of in private. And in those sessions, the biasness of our counselor, (if I had one) would be more onesided than here. I imagine that a counselor, wouldn't provide the support that I receive here either. The times that I needed someone to talk to didn't have to be scheduled, payed for, or examined to the depths of what in our childhood that made us this way. I'm not saying that counseling is bad at all, but when you can't afford it, you have to go elsewhere.<p>I have in the past relied on friends and family to discuss our problems and there always comes full circle emotions and judgements that aren't warranted. So I come here, as private as I can be, as alone as I am, the only people that are truely in my life are my W, my children and the people here at MB. Family is gone and friends have grown tired of giving support.<p>I can't leave MB this time though. Even though the OM and my W may know my every thought and perception. MB has kept me out of jail, alive and emotionally healthy. Regardless what that does for my marriage, I am here alive today and free for my children. These people here are my friends. We are all messed up in one way or another, and the reasons were here are all the same. Everyone here helped in some way or another to destroy the relationships with their spouses, family and children one way or another. All of these people here are trying to do the right thing and changing the person whom they allowed themselves to become. And some of us were very ugly nasty people. But God has given us the insight to change and correct our faults. And that is why I am here. To change me and try and save our marriage and children.<p>W, I want you to know that I love you with all my heart and my intentions are not to take the boys away from you. My intentions are for all of us to be together, once again as the family we once had, but this time, with openness and honesty, with the rule of care and protection, no disrespectful judgements, or a loose angry tongue. I have learned the basics of what it takes to keep a marriage together and how to pass that love onto our children. If I am wrong for wanting these things, now that I know I was wrong for many many years, then I am sorry. <p>W, you truly are my very, very best friend and I miss you very much. When you came to me last night and held me and told me that I am your best friend and you don't want to lose me, I want you to know that gives me the power and determination inside to give you anything in life that you want. We give and take from one another all the time, and I want you to know that I am ready to give you all my love and devotion, for the rest of our lives. When we take care of one anothers needs, the care and love is felt by our children. When your needs are unmet or when my needs are unmet, the unhappiness is felt throughout the family and everyone suffers. Just as when one of our children has needs, we all feel his pain, when its not filled. I want us to let each other know (including the boys) when our needs are not being met, and for us to come together as a family, and support the individual who is hurting. Our children as do you and I have dreams and desires that can be reached and fullfilled, I am willing to take the challenge of fullfilling those needs with you as parents. To seperate and do it from two households, diminishes the strength that we have to make those dreams come true. To seperate, builds walls of selfishness and our children don't need that right now, nor have they ever. <p>As I have been wrong for so many years, I hope you notice that I am trying. I hope that you can see through my current state of inadequate finacial stability and see the joy that I have in my heart each day that I spend with the boys. Imagine how much more my joy would be compounded, knowing you were by my side, and us working together, as we once did before we left Hawaii. I am not the weakened selfserving person I became before all this started nearly three years ago. I know your not being petty by wanting a nice house, reliable cars and security for you and I and all of our boys. They deserve so much more, and I am ready to give that to them, and to you.<p>I want us to put God first in our lives, the foundation of marriage is built on his love and I want that to be the cornerstone of the love you and I share. I don't want this to be my way or your way but God's way. I know that my zealeousness over the course of our marriage was wrongly placed, and I am ready to devote my life to making God first. I will honor and cherish you as Christ does his church. I will take care of you and give you the support and comfort that you need at home. I will respect you and the marriage bed, that I dishonored for so many years. I will love each of our children, respectfully, with God's help and compassion. <p>I want you in my life, the truest and best friend anyone could want. I am ready to devote my life to you and the boys and redevote my life to God. I have all the qualities that any woman would want in a husband, but I choose to share those with you. The man you married, he's changed, but he's changing for the good of life, with the honor, integrity and dignity that you once knew in him. I'm not there quite yet and I have a lifetime to make mistakes, but this time, through what I have learned about you, me and the boys will help me to make the right decisions this time. I want us to be radically honest with one another each and every day forth. I am sorry for all the things I have done. I stand at your door and knock, I am ready to begin life again with you.<p>I love you.<p>Husband2You

I don't know if your here, reading or watching, but I wanted you to see this. So I'm pushing it back to the top.

H2Y,<p>Here's a bump back to the top for you and your W. I hope she reads it too.. <p>I don't want to put any nails in your 'board' that may cause problems. Let me know if there is anything you want me to delete. I have spoken my heart to you in an effort to show support. The goal of regaining your entire family is a strong drive. No one should stand in the way of that determination. <p>Take care my lil' bro.<p>L.

Thanks L. Nope don't worry about deleting anything. I'm a big boy, and if I said something or talked about something that I needed to get off my chest for the sake of my sanity, health or well being and it was completely wrong, way off target, then it was probably best that I post it anyhow. You people have kept me alive, out of jail, and out of alot of pain that I would have had to deal with on my own. <p>I know at times everyone outside of the triangle sometimes make rash comments and opinions, but they are usually just that, rash, off the cuff, in the fleeting of the moment. The person making the post may have had a really bad day and needed to vent on my post, which ever it maybe, I hope you all know that when I call your husband or wife off center, its not because I am judging them. There is a more powerful person who now does that in my life if I let Him. We are all quick to judge at time, with little knowledge of the facts, and that is merely a horrible human flaw. It seperates us from animals, but hurts us as humans. I know that rash things have been said about each of our WS, and that many of them weren't warranted, but that is the affect of this medium, and I'm sorry if I've ever offended anyone or anyone's WS.<p>Thanks for bumping this up.<p>[ November 29, 2001: Message edited by: Husband2you ]</p>

H2Y my friend...<p>Just as when I wrote my letter to all WS to help them understand that they are not alone and other WS can help them here, your post is one that hits in the heart!! Your words are very touching, honest, from the heart...You have a wonderful soul and I hope that your W realizes what a great person she has to share her life with. No, it isn't always perfect, but that is what makes the journey so wonderful and so worth every ounce of effort!! I, as many others, stand steadfastly in your corner with all the support and faith we can muster! Again, you have shown that BS, WS, and everyone can learn, change and grow throughout all this madness and adversity. Thank you for renewing my faith, yet again!! Hang in there my friend!!<p>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<p>Trueheart