Well here we are a few days away from Thanksgiving.<p>Every single year of our marriage (and even a few before that) we have spent Thanksgiving at my ILs. <p>So here's a whole new issue for us to address. I don't want to go -- since H has disclosed just about everything to his family. I've never been particularily close to any of them, and my MIL has always been exceptionally judgemental. Now she really has fuel for her fires.<p>I'd prefer for H to take the kids and go. I'd just as soon stay home with a good book. <p>H is feeling cheated -- he wants us to go play happy family. He doesn't see why his day should be upset since I'm the one who had the A. I strongly doubt we'll be married much longer. <p>So am I really supposed to go? and why? I'd love to get some opinions.

Lexxxy...<p>Can H assure you that you will be 'protected?' That it will be a 'family' day without judgments, etc.?<p>That's what I would ask for. That's what I will do for my H....just be greatful that he's here...<p>Protection of Joint Agreement (POJA) applies here, I would think!<p>C A L I

double...oops<p>[ November 19, 2001: Message edited by: Lexxxy2 ]</p>

No, I don't think he can make any promises on his families behalf. Nor do I want him to.<p>Is there something wrong with just wanting to be left alone? Thanksgiving has no emotional ties for me. Its just another day. I don't really care if I eat turkey or not.<p>I don't feel like surrounding myself with people who hate or disapprove of me.<p>And in the long run -- shouldn't we all start adjusting to being apart?<p>My H keeps telling me not to kill him slowly. But he keeps flaming those ember of hope. I'm sick to death of somehow giving him the impression that we're going to be together -- then watching him get all moody and depressed when I reinforce that my feelings haven't changed.

I have the exact opposite problem. We've always spent Thanksgiving with H's family, and I've never had a problem with it, but this year is going to be hard since none of them know who H really is--they don't know about his A. I have to act like everything's normal, put on a happy face, not let on that the M is teetering on the brink of divorce. I'll be feeling like I'm walking a tightrope the whole time.<p>But I totally empathize with Lexxxy's side of it, too. Even though my family knows about H's A, were we to spend the holiday w/them, they would be nice to H for my sake if for no other reason, but it would still be awkward, and I wouldn't want to put either one of us through that.<p>If your H were to consult me, I'd suggest a nuclear family Thanksgiving (no extended family), just you two and the kids, maybe even going to a restaurant to eliminate even the stress of all the cooking preparation and clean-up.

I like conquerers suggestion, if you really want to celebrate in a family sense. Otherwise I wouldn't go lexxy, he is just manipulating you again. It gets so tiring having to defend yourself all the time, and being the evil spoiler of a family tradition is an excellent tool for a manipulator. If he had any feelings of reconcilliation for you at all, the last thing he would want to so is subject you to this....much less chastise you...ugggghh. Just tell him you are uncomfortable, will not go, have no objection to his going, but would consider other alternatives if he wants (for the kids sake, and to at least try and meet the standard of working on marriage, which one should do until they are truly done, and communicate that in clear terms to spouse).

Lexxxy-<p>Since he has told his whole family, I wouldn't go. I'm the BS in our situation and I know involving my families would make it harder on my W. Your H should understand this isn't going to fix anything, not with all of the relatives watching you.<p>In fact, I've avoided a lot of these family situations in the last 7 months just because I don't want to risk saying something I know I'm going to regret. Besides, it is kind of nice to have a quiet family Thanksgiving together. My oldest son's favorite Thanksgiving dish is pepperoni pizza. Not exactly traditional but we are thankful for the peace and quiet. Start a tradition for your own family at home.<p>HoFS

I really don't think its an issue of manipulation, but an issue that you are who he loves and the mother of his children. If it was manipulation, there would have been an ultimatum attached to it. "You go or else", in its simplest form.<p>Your husband loves you and obviousley has forgiven you to the point that he wants you around those other people in his life that he loves. He is attempting, IMO, to mend the fences that have been broken.

Thanks everyone!<p>My H seems to have the opinion that I created this mess so I should be perfectly comfortable with the results. He's feeling very sorry for himself. H did what he had to do at the time -- and that was to confide in people. And thinks that my disinterest in going to the IL's is a way to punish him. <p>I'm at peace with his disclosure. It had to come. But I don't feel that I have to expose myself to those people any longer. They are his support system and they always have been. <p>If we were a recovering couple I might feel open to creating new traditions or feel obligated to work things out with his family -- but we're not.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I strongly doubt we'll be married much longer. <hr></blockquote>
and
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
If we were a recovering couple I might feel open to creating new traditions or feel obligated to work things out with his family -- but we're not. <hr></blockquote><p>Lexxxy2...it seems as if this is more the problem than where to go for Thanksgiving. Reading in between your words...I hear a question...or a cry...This ambivilence as to recovering or not...<p>I feel that ambivilence too...It is H***...not knowing...is he staying or going...are we divorcing or working through it...<p>Maybe this is the 'real' question you need answered? Then the other would be moot.

I'd really love to hear from some of the "moms" out there. A MIL/DIL relationship can be so difficult anyway. What happens when you find out about an A? Can you ever have a decent relationship?

Lexxy,
It's NO FUN being in the company of people who will judge you no matter what you do....especially if there has been a tragedy like this in-between holidays from last year. My IL's always treated me like dirt, and H let it happen! I "put up with it" cause I didn't want to be a "spoiler" and make everyone uncomfortable, BUT if I was in your shoes, I'd say, "The hel* with them" and do what you want. They're gonna judge you anyway, and it's not gonna matter whether you try or not.<p>For once I am in total agreement with you! If HE wants to go, and take children, let him, if nothing else can be POJA'ed. I like Conqueror's idea of nuclear only dinner, though.<p>At IL's the kids may be upset with you not around, that's why a nuclear dinner, just your own family might be a nice compromise! Who knows what next Thanksgiving might be, so that gets everyone off the hook for one year.<p>My 02¢
Lupo

Hi Lexxxy,<p>You know, after my H fathered the two OCs and we were back together, I didn't want to go to any of his friends get togethers. I always made an excuse and would send him along with a big salad or somehing and stayed home being sad. I was humiliated at what he had done to our marriage, and how I thought he made me a laughing stalk.<p>But now that I look back, I wish I would have been stronger. I had nothing to be ashamed of, I was human and so was my H. We made mistakes in our marriage, and if he could go to those things, I certainly should have too. By NOT going I made things more disconnected between us. It made him feel guilty, I'm sure.<p>Lexxxy, I feel for what you're going thru right now. And I know having your MIL know probably really makes you feel crappy, it would me. But I also think if you don't go, then they will make they're own conclusions. I think you should go. That's YOUR H and YOUR children, but most important, it's YOUR marriage, not your MIL or your ILs. People make mistakes because they're human.<p>Not to get religious on you, but if Jesus was on this earth right now, who do you think he'd be hanging out with. The so-called "perfect people", the "self righteous people"? The people that judge others?<p>Absolutely NOT, He'd be hanging out with the needy, confused and hurting people ... people like us.<p>Anyhoo, if you don't go, I understand that too, because I've been there. <p>Whatever you decide, we're here for you.<p>Jo<p>[ November 19, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Gottruth is a MIL, where her DIL is a WS. Perhaps if we're lucky she'll see this post.<p>Jo

Thanks Jo -- its not just MIL.
For the record -- H has confided in his sister, brother, and niece -- whom I am sure have all told their respective spouses. So other than the children, I'm quite certain that everyone there will know a great deal about the situation.<p>I should say "present" situation -- because of course my H's indiscretions early in our marriage remain a secret. So only my A is public knowledge.<p>I gave up trying to earn the approval of my MIL quite a few years ago. I practically begged my H to stand up to her on my behalf over many many many issues. It never happened. So I really checked out of that relationship. She's an unhappy judgemental woman and always has been. She'd find a reason to criticize me if I walked on water. She's also a gossip-fiend.<p>Actually Thanksgiving has been one of those "jaw-clenching" holidays with that family that I will never miss!

Wow Lexxxy, <p>I'm sorry so many relatives know. But you know what, don't tell me they don't have any skeletons ... c'mon, we kknow they do.<p>I do see your point tho, going to Turkey Day with all of them there at one time is a bit much for anyone, no matter how strong.<p>I just can't seem to get past this .. my H had no qualms about being around ANYONE aft his A KNOWING that everyone must have known because he flaunted it in front of all his friends where he played.<p>I hope Gottruth shows up for you. She's a very wise mom. I'm sure she can give you an in-laws perspective, Hon.<p>Love,
Jo

Lexxxy,<p>For what it is worth, I want you to know that you have given me pause.<p>I am one of the 'Tellers.'<p>I have told EVERYBODY. I did not do it to hurt my H or make him look bad. I did it because I HURT. And for the 1st time in my life, I NEEDED HELP FROM SOMEBODY...ANYBODY...<p>Our entire family knows...all of our friends...I know H feels awkward, but to the credit of ALL we know and love, they have only showed love to my H...and concern for him and me.<p>Everytime I read about your pain and awkwardness 'that everybody knows,' I think of my H and am sad for him and mad at myself for all the telling.

Any moms yet?<p>And Terrified -- how are you and your H handling Thanksgiving?<p>I'm really interested to know how others who are at the same point as I am are handling this.

we are staying home, use to go to IL, but between fil being sick, and w not in best frame of mind just doing it here. IL do not know all details however....so not really the same. My circumstances are different than yours in intensity, but issues are probably similar, lately w is expressing increasing disinterest in continuing this. I am not responding the way she wants me too (although I am not being abusive or anything, just honest). But this is one of the issues all along, my not meeting expectations. Is frustrating cause there are no "evil" players here, not me, not her, but vastly different psychologies and coping mechanisms.

Hi Lex, Just to let you know, I'm Canadian so our Thanksgiving was back the first weekend of October. You may remember that his family did not know that he moved into an apartment on October 1st. However, we had both a wedding and Thanksgiving to celebrate all in the same weekend. I decided to attend the weddding but there was no Thanksgiving dinner on either side. My H continuously said he would have had no problems attending a family dinner. It was really me that had the issues. Therefore, I asked my Mom not to do anything this year and because of the wedding being on the IL side, we decided as a family to forego the family dinner thing and stay with our respective families. My H and I ended up sharing it with friends. <p>Just to keep you updated, my IL's do NOT know of the A (took your advice on that one). I've really decided to keep it from them for now. They are in too much pain just knowing he has an apt. <p>Good luck with your decision. It's a tough one. What would the kids prefer?