kevco,
Right now where she is at emotionally there is nothing you can do to compete with the 19 year old. You will be however compared to him for the time being with anything you do wrong. If you LB or lash out it will fuel the fire and seal your fate with her. She does want you to do something so she can say "See, this is why I want the other guy" it is lame but it is what it is. Honestly the best thing you can do is make sure your the one with the character and integrity. Hold your head up high that you walked away from what she didn't(your EA).
Go to 20 Grand or the Old Market or some other place, work on you and watch her affair dwindle. Don't enable it, just wait, learn and work... this is something she will have to figure out but she will rebel if you push or compete... is it fair? absolutely not...
Hang in there...
mike

WHOA!! MKN, you're freaking me out....you've been here- recently (since the 20K was built, Old Market's always been here [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ). <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>there is nothing you can do to compete with the 19 year old. You will be however compared to him for the time being with anything you do wrong <hr></blockquote><p>I know on both accounts, it's hard to not oblige her.<p>Had a particularly nasty thought on the way back into work to check my email (empty, guess I'll wait a while). This fine, upstanding young man stole about $700 worth of merchandise (mattress set- which he has proudly displayed on the floor of his basement room, no frame- what a romantic scene for my wife) from a place that he (or his best friend) worked, trying to think of a way to tip them off without getting involved. Can't think of any way that I won't be immediately implicated by WS.<p>K

well kev, occassionally violence is useful, but it should not be done in anger, only as a result of a cold dispassionate risk/reward analysis.... and a carefully thought out plan. Does that apply? Frankly you sound like someone a little too full of themself (no offense intended, just being honest), and should not be left alone. But if you have it alltogether, understand the ramifications, and feel your wife is in danger, then go for it...I would.

Kev - I could not do what you are doing either, not for a minute. If you have not already, you may want to look at the board at http://www.infidelity.com . It takes a somewhat different approach.<p>That board often recommends the Marriagebuilders site to people they think would benefit from that approach (Plan A, Plan B, etc.) It's just a matter of finding what works for you - I'm not trying to steal any posters here. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

SNL-
No offense taken. I can totally understand your opinion- especially based upon my previous post. But what you may see as arrogance, I see as confidence and self worth, that's where those comments came from. I like the person that I was before I stumbled some 4 years ago, and I like the person that I am now and am going to be, that's all. I think ANYONE would be lucky to have my friendship and loyalty, and I have a hard time understanding why she's willing to discard that.<p>No, my wife is not in danger. I don't know what would happen if she decided to end it with OK, but we're pretty far from any such actions I fear. It's ME, and MY way of life that are in danger, this A is a direct threat to ME. That's where the justification (if there is any) is coming from in my mind.<p>I promised my wife that if any man were ever to violate her (as in rape), I would have no second thought about taking retribution in my own hands. Rapists get off FAR too easily in this country, and they deserve worse. In my mind, it would be a matter of defending myself, and the woman that I vowed to protect....much like our current military action in the Mid-East. Now, if I'm wrong in God's eyes with that, then I guess I'd have to reconcile that with him when the time came, but that's how I feel.<p>This current situation rates right up there as a threat to me. The one small difference (and ultimately the one giving me pause) is that she CHOSE to engage in this action- but I hold OK in much the same light as a rapist....He's raping the wedding vows that my W and I made, he's coming between a man and his wife, between God and the couple, ultimately between God and ME (though >>I'M<< the one allowing that). There is very little that I can find more vile than that.<p>SNL, I hope this clarifies for you a little.

kev,<p>Is it any consolation at all to know that you are a strong man, and he is a just a foolish boy, and everybody knows it? Except a certain twosome [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ? Your W is making herself a laughing stock, at best, to people (other than yourself [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] )who know about the A. At worst, her behavior will be seen as immoral and disgraceful.<p>I suspect that someday you will be coming here for advice on how to help her put things back together when the relationship dies.<p>Keep on keeping on, kev.<p>Estes

Kev,<p>Life is a b!tch for me too today. I feel like just giving up. I have a feeling something is around the corner - I don't know why. The gut is almost always right. But I will continue putting on my happy face. When she walks away, it will be into a smiling face that says "I love you my dearest, go, be happy." Two things may happen. She may go, be happy for a while, then come to realize what she did to me - and will regret it dearly, even if she's happy with someone else, had his kids, made a new life. Or she may come to her senses before it's too late for us. I have to accept that I have no control over that outcome - that's the hardest part of all.<p>In either case, my life begins anew, as soon as I let it. Yes, it's started even now, but I understand your perdicament completely - I feel like you - trapped, waiting, feeling like my fate is not in my own hands. I have to think very hard to see that it is. I have to appreciate that the right decision for me might not be what I think it is. It kills me. It kills me to think that she doesn't love me like she used to. But I have to go on... and so do you.

Kev....Are you not the mature male in this situation...well, you need to start thinking and acting like it. You're long pass the age where you should have learned that violence is not a cure for anything...in fact it usually makes the situation worse for the instigator. This is a time for your maturity to present itself...to you and to your wife. <p>You say you are tired of sitting back and doing nothing...you're not doing nothing...you're letting things play themselves out to their natural consequences...the way you do with a child..patiently, calmly, rationally (and I know that's hard to do)...demonstrating that you are strong enough to know that in the end she will realize that this whole thing has been a mistake. Keep pushing and pushing...and you may well push her away for forever. I always think there is nothing as appealing as a man who knows who and what he is. Do you think this 19 year old kid is better then you...is he better looking...smarter...more charming...probably not. No, the problem is with your wife and you...and there's where you need to expend your efforts...delving into what when wrong and how to correct it.<p>All this vindictiveness is just an way of trying to control the situation...you can't control it...you can only control yourself...and really "aren't you the better man"...the stronger more in control man...at least in control of himself. Show your wife how a real man behaves himself...and that's not with his fists.<p>
Faye

kev,
I am from the Omaha area too....

Kevco,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Pretty much the ONLY thing that keeps me from acting on my anger is my freaking morals. I KNOW it's wrong to act on them. It's not real good to even THINK the things I am, and I've asked God to forgive me those weaknesses. I don't have ANY clue where I picked up this deep sense of right and wrong (certainly not from my father- he burnt down OM house), but it's a real drag sometimes.<hr></blockquote><p>Morals is what kept you from going on with the EA you speak about. Maybe your WS morals are not what yours are or what you think hers where.<p>Believe me.. the anger/violence thing... if you don't get it lockboxed it will turn into rage... and I've been there. That is not a good trip or fix. If you need anything please ask or email.

Thanks all, just was having a pretty bad day (one of the worst).<p>I felt better the next morning, and I feel still better today with all the family in the house.<p>I appreciate, understand, and agree with most of your sentiments. I will not be engaging in any physical actions. Instead, I'll vent here if need be.<p>Again, thank you all.<p>I think it's safe to let this thread die now.<p>K