Sorry TA --
But I can say the same thing.
H let me live a lie for 16 years too.
I didn't have the marriage I thought did either.

Elad,<p>You sound tired so the actions or non-actions of your W easily send you in the negative direction. Even her honesty will send you there. How do I know? Because that's where I am at also. Right now I am coming down almost like getting over the flu or some awful life threatening virus, recovery sucks!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] You thhink you are suppose to be getting better but you feel like you are going in reverse. Hm... but are you? <p>Is this really like D/d? No, but you are still in pain. Anxiety can run high even now. You want to put your defenses down and move forward but you just can't. Why? No real trust has been established yet. <p>Now for some positive feedback. Your W is saying to hang in there and wait for her. She sees where she needs or wants to be but knows she is not there yet. REalize this - you can't push or drive her there. That is a state of mind thingy!!! Her recovery mode is slower than yours. Basically she is not up to speed yet. So you need to slow down a bit. <p>Yep, me too. I get so frustrated I want to end it all. Literally!!! Gotta fight those feelings. I am back to getting anxiety attacks and crying fits. Good thing I'm a female and can blame it on my hormones. But I really know better, it is just soo hard sometimes. <p>So Elad, wait it out. Let's do it together. Hopefully our mates will catch up soon. Those of us in this boat can put it on cruise control and keep giving each other pep talks. OK?!?!? <p>L.

Orchid...<p>Been away from my computer for a day or so, so I just now read your message...<p>You have my thoughts down almost exactly. My W says she loves me but "is struggling" and I kind of take that as you said...not on the same pace to recovery.<p>Someone else on the thread (Lor, maybe) said we as BSs want recovery to be fast...that's our nature I guess. When it isn't, we get so frustrated that it does get us to a despondent feeling. Or at least that's where I seem to end up and I hear you saying kind of the same thing.<p>Like I said in an earlier post on this thread...I am not giving up...she is going to have to walk away from me and all we have...I ain't gonna do it...<p>What I'm going to do is keep trying to make this work...but I admit it is physically and emotionally draining.<p>That's why this board is so important as a source of reinforcement...<p>Thanks for the support...<p>You hang in there, too. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take care <p>E