Lovehimdeeply,<p> I added you to my address book. Thanks for caring. Your situation is so close to my own. I tried to imagin what it would be like if I got a call saying that she was gone. It would most likely be worse that when she went into the hospital back in July. It took four people at my office to hold me down on that one. <p>Thanks
Indy

Indy<p>The only difference I see between you and my hubby is you still love your wife. She had done so much emotional damage on him and the kids that he no longer loved her. My husbands family is Catholic so you know it had to be bad for him to even contemplate divorce. And he was the one who filed. By this time she had moved out of the house and in with this guy who she said was just a "friend" the kids were still with my husband.<p>As far as getting the phone call. I don't mean to speak ill of the dead but it was a big weight lifted off our shoulders. We were in constant fear she would just pop up and take off with the kids just to get back at us. Boyfirend #3 did jail time for physical abuse on our 13 year old. When he got out she went back to him. That along with the emotional abuse it was a relief. I hope you don't take that the wrong way but when you have to pick up the pieces (the kids) for several years it is a relief. It also put a closure for the kids they now know why they don't see thier mom. Before they would always ask "why doesn't mom come see us".<p>One piece of advice I would give to you. When she calls and it is past the kids bedtime or you are eating dinner. don't just hang up on her. I have learned from experience that hanging up on them only makes them more determined to harass you. It now becomes harassment instead of wanting to talk to the kids. Just tell her to please call back in 30 minutes or and hour and she can speak to the kids. If it is after bed time tell her you will tell the kids she called. That way the pressure is on her to follow up with the call. That way the kids know it is not you who is keeping her from talking to them. Just something I learned in dealing with the ex. Hope it helps.<p>lovehimdeeply [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Everyone,<p> She did call last night. We had just come in from work and everything. She called a half an hour before bed time and I left to get my parents and I something to eat. She did talkt to my dad or anyone except the kids. <p> It got even worse because we set up the christmas stuff. Seeing all of the stuff with her and all of the kids on it really kicked me in the teeth. My stepdaughter's stuff almost was to much to bear.<p> I talked to my daughter that evening after we got all done. I asked her if she had a good talk with her mother and did she talk about coming to see you. She said that mommy didn't know when she was going to see them agian. I just wanted to let you know what was going on.<p>Indy

Everyone,<p> I just wanted to let you all know that I am still alive and kicking. <p>Orchid, <p> How are you today? I did look at your post about the talk that you had. I am sorry I didn't get back to you.<p> Now, here is the latest. She called today and left a message about seeing the kids on Saturday. It is funny she called me Indianapolis again. I wonder if she is just doing this to upset me. She is know back on her normal schedule and wants me to call her. I wonder if she really thinks that I am going to call her. <p>Indy

INDY,
Stay away from that dial to your WW. Be strong and you don't want to revisit it. Any plan for christmas ?. Glad to see you holding in there [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Indy,<p>Been wondering about you. Be strong. You are doing good. <p>Me, I'm doing ok. No real time to whine, just what I do here. I would like to be wined and dined. But for now, I have to settle for fast food and lots of work. <p>Take Care,
L.

Hello everyone,<p> It has been awhile since I posted so I thought that I would bring everyone up to date. My WS got the kids today for the first time in a month. She stood them up during Thanksgiving. Yet, know all of the sudden again she wants to see the kids on Christmas Eve or Chirstmas day. It is funny that she had Christmas at her aunt's house today. In the years that we have been married we have not had Christmas over there. <p> Ok here is where I need help. She asked me that on the spot and I told her that I didn't want to have the conversation with the kids in the room. I said call me later tonight. She said, "Oh. You will acculately talk." I said yes. We already have plans for both days. The problem is that the state guidlines which she likes to use when it suits her says that she get them on Christmas day. How would you handle this?<p>Indy<p>[ December 22, 2001: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by INDY_357:
[QB]She said, "Oh. You will acculately talk." I said yes. We already have plans for both days. The problem is that the state guidlines which she likes to use when it suits her says that she get them on Christmas day. How would you handle this?
QB]<hr></blockquote><p>Hi, Indy,
Glad to hear you doing so well!!!<p>Be careful of getting "sucked in" to conversations during this time.....I know you need to, with Christmas plans to made and all, but be sure to remember you are in Plan B. She knows it, that's why her reaction to you, that you would "talk this time." Keep it about Plan B UNLESS she is ready to talk "relationship/reconciliation."<p>If she is supposed to have them at this time, there's really not much you can do about that....let her have them. You have been the one "there" for them all this time, and they know that. One day is just one day. She's trying to make herself feel better about all this, by being able to say, "Well, I saw them on Christmas." Won't wash! It's just ONE DAY!! Out of how many times she didn't show??<p>Stand firm. Do what needs to be done. Stay in Plan B. Stick to your guns. Sounds so simple. If only our "hearts" weren't stuck in there messing everything all up.....<p>God Bless, my friend. And Merry Christmas!
Lupo

Lupo,<p> Thanks for the incouragement. I hope that this conversation will go well. I will post what happens later tonight.<p>Indy

Hi everyone,<p> I finally got back to this site. I had some computer problems. It has been a long six days since my last post. I will fill you all in.<p> I missed her call on Saturady night. I didn't know that it was her. She called on sunday afternoon and I didn't answer the phone. I know that was not right, but I just couldn't talk to her. She called again at 7:30 am on monday morning while I was in bed and I hung up the phone. She then called on Christmas Eve and said that per the guidelines that she loves to use on me she was suppose to get them on Christmas day. I finally called out to the OM's house and had to talk to him. She was at work. She then called again that night and we talked for 45 mins. So much for Plan B. We talked about alot of things.
I told her about when I get my orders in Oct or Nov that the kids will go with me. She was completely silent. I also told her that her and my SD would be missed on Christmas day. I told her that I found the only thing that I was any good at. She said, "no it is not." When I asked her like what she said that we would discuss it at a later time. We also talked about why she didn't keep the kids overnight? We aggreed that she could take the kids overnight and I asked her if she could keep the kids at her mom and dad's house. I told her that I understand that she and the OM are trying to build a life together and that I would have to accept that. She was totally quiet. you could hear a pin drop. She then asked if it would have been easier if she had her own apartment. I said that I didn't know and really couldn't unless I was in that situation. <p> She came over on Christmas day to get the kids and had to walk in on my whole family having Chirstmas dinner. I think that it was kind of hard on her. I don't know if it was or not. She brought them back the mext day and she stayed for a couple of minutes and again called me by my family name. She called me by my short name when all of this started. She will get them on Tuesday . That is the next time I have to see her.<p> Here is a question for you. I don't know if I just want to grab onto any glimer of hope and make it what it is not. I am wondering if her realtionship with the OM is getting old or not. What do you think?<p>Indy

Hi Indy,<p>Good to hear from you. Been wonderin' how you've been! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Well, you always want to hope. Let no one take that away from you until you are ready to let go. <p>As for her, looks like she is starting to see the real life. You stated you are taking your kids with you. hm..... bit of reality there. She walked in on your family dinner.....another window peeping feeling....outside looking in thingy. <p>Good Indy, these things may make her think. Yes the OM may not be soo attractive right now. Hope so. You still need to keep up the same routine. Be there and let her come to you. <p>I have watched you grow stronger over these last few months. This has built your character and self-worth up to where you are now attractive to her. She better watch out, many others have noticed that you are becoming a better person..... (so be good K?)<p>Hugz,
L.

Hi, Indy,
It's good to hear from you, and hear that you are doing so well. Sorry your "situation" is status quo. (Join that club, eh?)<p>I want to respond to several points in this post:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong> I missed her call on Saturady night. I didn't know that it was her. She called on sunday afternoon and I didn't answer the phone. I know that was not right, but I just couldn't talk to her. She called again at 7:30 am on monday morning while I was in bed and I hung up the phone. She then called on Christmas Eve and said that per the guidelines that she loves to use on me she was suppose to get them on Christmas day. I finally called out to the OM's house and had to talk to him. </strong><hr></blockquote>
If it was ME, I'd rather marshall my strength, and talk to her when she calls, rather than have to call her back, and then end up talking to HIM. After all, you DID tell her to call you to discuss what to do with the kids for Christmas....I think if you tell her to call you later, whatever, that you SHOULD be available to take her call. I think this angers her when you don't. Which is why she gives you the "per guidelines..." speech. <p><strong> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>...we talked for 45 mins. So much for Plan B. We talked about alot of things.
I told her about when I get my orders in Oct or Nov that the kids will go with me. She was completely silent.<hr></blockquote></strong>
It's OK to talk about "a lot of things..." sometimes. Just don't "push things" OK? Remember, you are in Plan B. You should ONLY be talking about "relationship" if she is willing to talk about severing ties w/OM. I think she is getting close to this point, just from her response to your comments about taking the kids when you get order in Oct. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she was just silent cause she didn't want to argue about it at that time... <p><strong> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I told her that I found the only thing that I was any good at. She said, "no it is not." When I asked her like what she said that we would discuss it at a later time. <hr></blockquote></strong>
This sounds very promising to me!! I think she IS seeing that OM is not the man you are....just hang in there.....her eyes are being opened. Stay the course. Stay in Plan B. Let her have MORE time "alone" with him....I beleive it's starting to push away the fog. <p><strong> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I told her that I understand that she and the OM are trying to build a life together and that I would have to accept that. She was totally quiet. you could hear a pin drop. <hr></blockquote></strong>
YES!! This is what I'm talking about!!! The "pin drop" moment. I believe she wants to "talk" about you and she, but doesn't have the strength YET. Let her be. It's happening, I believe. It's going to happen. MORE time alone with OM. Fog lifts VERRRY slowly (from all reports - I haven't personally experienced it yet [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] ) <p><strong> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>She came over on Christmas day to get the kids and had to walk in on my whole family having Chirstmas dinner. <hr></blockquote></strong>
YUP, reality moment. NOT her life anymore. SHE walked away from it.....it'll hit her. It may already have! <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I am wondering if her realtionship with the OM is getting old or not. What do you think?</strong><hr></blockquote>
Excellent report, Indy!! Excellent!! I think your W is starting to "see" through the fog. Just stay the course, my friend. <p>Indy, whatever you do, DO NOT ASK HER what is happening with her and OM. You DO NOT want to make her have to defend her position with him. Just keep doing what you are doing. You're doing fine. DO NOT make any more comments about her "life" with him. Just pretend he doesn't exist. That's what I do!! I just talk as though my WH is living away, like at camp, or something. I "don't go there" into his "new life" or HER, or anything slightly related to that aspect. I just talk to him (WHEN I talk to him - very INfrequently) about work, or OUR house (which he calls THE house, or YOUR house - that hurts), etc. See? So I stay away from that aspect. It's HIS problem, essentially! He's got to figure out what to do about it, and me, etc.
You need to do this. You're doing just fine. I'm glad. Hang in there!<p>God Bless,
Lupo<p>[ December 29, 2001: Message edited by: lupolady ]</p>

Orchid, Faith, Lupo, and all of the other MBers,<p> I would like to thank you all very much for being there for me through the last few months. I just don't know what to say. Sometimes I feel like I am living in Hell and the next in pergitory (sp). I just want to leave it alone for awhile. <p> I am looking to finally move out of my parents house here next month. That will be kind of hard. When I first got here it didn't feel like the safe place it once was, but my parents and my family made it start to feel safe again. <p>Indy<p>[ December 29, 2001: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]</p>

Hi, Indy!
I haven't been posting much... just trying to hang in there, ya know? But I've been keeping up with your posts. I was glad to see an update from you. I'm so glad you are stronger and doing as well as you are. Keep posting and hang in there. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Orchid,<p> I have watched you grow stronger over these last few months. This has built your character and self-worth up to where you are now attractive to her. She better watch out, many others have noticed that you are becoming a better person..... (so be good K?)<p> I am wondering who those other people are. I really don't feel stronger. I think that I am just starting to handle things alittle differently. But, anyway thanks for the complement.<p>Lupo, <p> Just wanted to reply to some of your points.<p>If it was ME, I'd rather marshall my strength, and talk to her when she calls, rather than have to call her back, and then end up talking to HIM. After all, you DID tell her to call you to discuss what to do with the kids for Christmas....I think if you tell her to call you later, whatever, that you SHOULD be available to take her call. I think this angers her when you don't. Which is why she gives you the "per guidelines..." speech. <p> I agree with you. I need to talk to her only when it is necessary. I also need to make sure that I am there when I tell her to call me back. I agree that it makes her mad that I don't talk to her.<p>It's OK to talk about "a lot of things..." sometimes. Just don't "push things" OK? Remember, you are in Plan B. You should ONLY be talking about "relationship" if she is willing to talk about severing ties w/OM. I think she is getting close to this point, just from her response to your comments about taking the kids when you get order in Oct. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she was just silent cause she didn't want to argue about it at that time.<p> I hope that she is ready, but I have seen the van that they drive. They just bought it together. It is old and run down, but she appears to be building a new life. I just don't get the feeling that she is even thinking about our marriage as anything more than a mistake. I think that she just didn't want to argue.<p> I hope that she is seeing through the fog. I will check in later. Thanks<p>Indy

Indy,<p>I'm so glad to hear from you. Have been concerned. You do seem to be getting much stronger. As for second guessing where your w's head is at. That is dangerous. She knows that if she ever wants to come back to you she only needs to tell you. She will when/if the time comes. In the mean time, live your life, take care of your kids and get stronger.<p>I cannot post much tonight 'cause has LASIK eye surgery yesterday. My eyes are still adjusting so I can only look at the screen for short periods of time.<p>Will check in again later.

Z,<p> It is good to hear from you. It has been awhile. How is your eye sight now? I hope that it all went well. How are STL and the kids? I hope to see him back here soon. His perspective was always eye opening. I will check in later.<p>Indy

Everyone,<p> I have been thinking again. Someone really needs to stop me from doing that, but unfortunately no one really can. I haven't really mentioned this, but it has been a year now that this has been going on. I was thinking that today was the really first day that I knew that we were in trouble. <p> She wanted to drive seperatley to our family get together that we do at my sister's house. I remember it like it was yesterday. The pain and the lonliness that I felt that day and the pain that I saw in my children's eyes. I just want to get that out of my mind by everytime I try it comes right back. <p> My parents want me to come tonight, but I don't know if I really can. I always feel like the third wheel with my family. They all have their spouses and they are living their happy lifes while my children and I are suffering. I feel out of place. I can't really work on that issue. Has anyone ever felt like that?<p>Indy

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
<strong> They all have their spouses and they are living their happy lifes while my children and I are suffering. I feel out of place. I can't really work on that issue. Has anyone ever felt like that?
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>All the time, Indy, all the time. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>But you've GOT TO GO!! Ya know why?!?!?! Cause then when (notice I did NOT say - IF??) WW asks "what did you do for New Year's Eve?" you can tell her "I did what we always do!! We all had a blast, kids were happy, folks were happy. You were missed...." Period.<p>Indy, BELIEVE ME, she's thinking about it! She's thinking about the "new" New Year's Eve they wll have, but it won't measure up. Ya, maybe LAST YEAR she did manage to sneak away and meet him for a little while, or whatever, BUT that was a YEAR AGO. A LOT has happened since then. Not all good for their relationship, either, believe it. SHE KNOWS where you'll be. She needs to know you have NOT stopped your life, or stopped living life just because SHE's become selfish, self-centered and "MIA." <p>Indy, do it for the kids, if nothing else. DO NOT wreck their memories of "holiday traditions" just b/c WW has become an alien. Too bad if everyone else is "couples" - this is your family we're talking about, not going to the ball without a dancing partner.....they love you and kids, and they don't look at you like, "What's wrong with that guy? NO DATE." 'C'mon! Do I need to drop kick you again?!?! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Love & Prayers,
Lupo

Lupo,<p> We went to my sister's house for New Years Eve. It was really hard, but the kids had fun. It was very hard at midnight. I found myself looking for my WW. I did stop myself. I took it in stride and got the kids ready to come home.<p> I know that I shouldn't feel that way, but I still do. I try to get past that, but I don't know how long that would take. <p> She sould be here any minute to pick up the kids, but if she isn't here by 10 mins after I am not waiting around. I just hope that you and everyone had a good new years eve.<p>Indy