Hi...<p>I just logged in after reading for some time. I hope this forum can help me. I was unfaithful to my wife for a year and she found out 2 months ago. We fight a lot now and she keeps saying we should separate. We have been married for 11 years and have 2 boys, 5 and 6.<p>My mind is still on the affair. What can I do to get over it?

Welcome. You've found a good place to ask that question. Check out the "just found out" board. They have some recommended reading off of this site. I'd also suggest picking up a book called Surviving An Affair. <p>I would also suggest the following to help you with your thoughts as a jumpstart on the reading.<p>1. Stop all contact of any kind with OW.
2. Do your best to show your wife some remorse for the hurt you have caused her.
3. Come completely clean with your wife on anything she wants to know.
4. Try to immerse yourself in understanding why this happened and how to fix it.<p>
Good Luck,
HI

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Hi Infidelity:
<strong>Welcome. You've found a good place to ask that question. Check out the "just found out" board. They have some recommended reading off of this site. I'd also suggest picking up a book called Surviving An Affair. <p>I would also suggest the following to help you with your thoughts as a jumpstart on the reading.<p>1. Stop all contact of any kind with OW.
2. Do your best to show your wife some remorse for the hurt you have caused her.
3. Come completely clean with your wife on anything she wants to know.
4. Try to immerse yourself in understanding why this happened and how to fix it.<p>
Good Luck,
HI</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
This is a whole lot more complicated than I can admit to my wife or even discuss here. I still want "Pat" in the worst way. I call every day and hang up when the phone is answered. I am afraid now that Pat is getting impatient because we have not been together in over a month and I am afraid that this relationship will be lost, and that I will never have my soul mate again.

Please note this is MARRIAGEBUILDERS. If you are interested in restoring your marriage please read the info here but please refrain from posting the soulmate stuff. The majority of people who post here are BS who are in extreme pain as a result of being betrayed. <p>There are places for the fogheaded like youwww.philanderers.com and TOW gloryb.com.

I don&#8217;t mean to be rude but did you not say "what can I do to get over it"? ??<p>Then you followed up with "I am afraid that this relationship will be lost"<p>Well just how the hell do you expect to get over it and not loose your relationship with the OW? <p>Or maybe I'm just in left field here. What exactly are you trying get over?

I doubt BeenWishin is for real probably one of those OW trolls that come here periodically.

Ya never know. No reason to run someone off just yet. Person might not know that the term "soul mate" is a trigger for nuclear weapons over here. I understand the "go away" messages when someone repeatedly continues to offend others after they've been told that certain things are considered offensive. Someone from the other side of the fence might be truly be confused and need a devils advocate (to them) to begin to sort through the pile of sh_t they are currently living in. Sorry for the bleeding heart liberal tone, cause I'm not.<p>[ November 29, 2001: Message edited by: Hi Infidelity ]</p>

Woa guys - geesh - yes BeenWishin posted what he is going through as a WS, which is pretty darn hurtful for those of us who are BS, but he's here isn't he? He's looking for help. He feels his OW is his soulmate - okay - so I hate that term myself and don't believe it for a moment - but that's how HE's feeling right now and his feelings are valid aren't they?
BTW BeenWishin - most WS feel they have found their "soulmate". But usually it's just someone who does, says, and is everything you ask them. Boy - that sure feels good doesn't it? BUT - how long will that last in the real world....<p>BeenWishin - if you are still here, my H and I were in "recovery" for 18months, but I realize now it has been false due to continued contact during this time which recently escalated in OW realizing she is still madly in love with my H. During all this time, my H sent her the odd email, they had the odd phone call and would tell her he loved her. All this time he was supposedly trying to find his way back to me, but not feeling any different towards me - ie: no love anymore. I now know why - he wasn't really trying at all.<p>Bottom line is -you will go through withdrawl bigtime if your affair was very emotional, which it sounds like it was. <p>Your wife wants to separate - what do YOU want to do? I'm thinking you are looking to save your marriage by coming here and if that is truly the case - NO CONTACT is absolutely key.
Read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley and another one I like is "After the Affair" by Janis A. Spring. Counselling would be wise as well.<p>Keep coming here for support - you WILL get some - really!!

I didnt mean to offend anyone. I just dont know how to express what I am going through now. I thought I should express the emotions I am going through, and I guess I got carried away. I have been told recovery takes weeks or months, and that is where I am at. Please understand and forgive me.<p>I do want and appreciate your help.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Alberta:<p>
Your wife wants to separate - what do YOU want to do? I'm thinking you are looking to save your marriage by coming here and if that is truly the case - NO CONTACT is absolutely key<hr></blockquote><p>Thank you for your support. The way I feel now, I want to save the marriage for the kids. My love for my wife feels like it is lost. I NEED to keep the marriage for the kids, but I need to feel love for my spouse. That's my struggle now.

BeenWishin,<p>As you read MB material, especially Surviving an Affair by the Harleys, you will discover that WS normally and predictablilty have a lot of emotions to sort through as they work to rebuild their marriages. It is also typical at your stage of an affair to feel no love for your BS.
What is really hopeful is that you WANT to feel something.<p>So, what do the Harleys say? First, you MUST stop all contact, ALL contact with the OW. Once you make this commitment, be prepared to suffer through a period of withdrawal that will be very painful for you. The Harleys stress that EVERY time you make contact with the OW, the withdrawal and the pain have to start all over again. <p>Then, according to MB principles, once the pain of withdrawal is behind you - maybe six weeks, you can begin to rebuild a loving relationship with your W. <p>So, to answer your question, it is definitely possible for you to love your W again. However, before you can do that successfully, you have to completely and permanently end your relationship with the OW and work through the pain and emotions of withdrawal. Only after this process will you have the emotional reserves that you need to accept love units from your W.<p>To complicate all this, it is important to acknowledge to your W your responsibility for the pain you have caused her with your A. This may be really hard. Of course, your W has a responsibility to examine her role in the conditions in your marraige that preceeded the A. Hopefully, she is ready to make some changes to meet ENs that you allowed the OW to meet rather than your W.<p>Right now, your heart and mind are still so preoccupied with thoughts and feelings for your OW that there is no room for loving feelings for your W. You have to be willing to put the OW out of your heart and mind. Then, you really can learn to love your W again.<p>Keep reading and posting. Best wishes,<p>Estes

SOmetimes the desire to call is overwhelming. I feel like I can't keep myself from doing it. I force myself, yet the desire is so strong. Any suggestions on what I can do when this happens?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>SOmetimes the desire to call is overwhelming. I feel like I can't keep myself from doing it. I force myself, yet the desire is so strong. Any suggestions on what I can do when this happens?<hr></blockquote><p>ABSOLUTELY!!!! <p>First, DON'T CALL HER!
Second, COME HERE AND POST!<p>We WILL be here for you. You need to be here for us, for you, and for your wife and children. If you have a good day, or a bad day, a particularly strong moment, or a particularly weak one, come her and post about it.<p>Know that it WILL take time (sometimes a lot of it), but you CAN find the love and passion that your marriage (hopefully) once had.<p>Take care, and be strong for your children, your wife, and yourself.<p>kev

I'm sorry, but I can't be much help with this specific situation. Generally, though, you might try to find an activity that takes your mind off calling, anything that keeps you from sitting and thinking and that takes you away from the phone or computer. Do you have any repair projects? If not, start some. Do you work out? Go to the gym or go jogging. Take the kids out to play. Anything to avoid having time on your hands.

Can anyone give BeenWishin some suggestions of what works for you? <p>Estes

Estes,<p>I think any of the same advice you would give a BS whom is grieving would be appropriate. Just do anything that you can to completely immerse yourself in. The only difference I would suggest is if educating yourself on how and why this event has occurred is not what your choose to dive into (like most BS's choose dive into when grief stricken), then make it a part of your daily routine of chores to sit back in a quiet spot and read, think, or write to in an attempt to learn some more about yourself and the what is the mature way to apporach your feelings<p>Beenwishing - I know you got off to a bad start with some of the replies here (including mine) but you are welcome here as long as your goals are first self understanding while not sacrificing others in that process. Most folks here will always gladly receive someone from the other side of the fence (so to speak). Just look all the threads titled "WS opinions wanted" on the GQII board.<p>HI

Hi, <p>There is another male poster here who goes by the user name: TrueHeart. His member #: 10878 <p>Look up some of his posts. I think he started around 6/01. <p>
Here are a few of the many topics he posted on.
You will also see some writeups from other WS H's that post here. STL and SNL along with a few others share their thoughts. Not all the WS H's always think alike. You do hear their pain and how they individually have taken different paths.
Some heal quicker than others. <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=010269<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=010498<p>
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=010748<p>
Trueheart&#8217;s letter to WS&#8217; everywhere:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=010715<p>
Hope this gives some insight and possibly some hope. There is a lot to read if you are interested in recovery. Yes, it is possible. It will take some effort but like with any good challenge isn't your family worth it? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.<p>[ November 30, 2001: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

I don't know if this matters, but I ready to admit that my affair was not with a woman, but another man.

Hi BW. Yes and no. All of the rules and no contact still applies if you are to figure out what it is that BW wants.<p>Are you in IC? Do you KNOW deep down whether or not you think you are bisexual, homosexual, or simply got caught up in something too complex to understand.<p>I think you need to figure this out for youself. If you are homosexual, you owe it to your wife and your kids to break up amicably and be the best darn dad you can be.<p>If you are bisexual or simply caught up in something too difficult to understand, then you CAN SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.<p>It will be hard work, but we will be there for you. (although some may chastise you here, I for one will not, email me if you want to know my experiences, I will be happy to share offline).<p>Regardless of what you decide, first thing first, you MUST end all contact with "pat". He is simply making an already complex decision 50 times harder to deal with. Do it for YOU, for him, and for your family. <p>Please, someday you will thank yourself, regardless of how this turns out.<p>HbH

My email is hurtbyhubby5@hotmail.com<p>[ December 03, 2001: Message edited by: hurtbyhubby ]</p>

DON'T call!
DON'T write!
DON'T e-mail!
DON'T think you can be friends!<p>I am on round three and my WH has never made it through the withdrawal period without contacting the OP. It is killing me and our kids (10 & 14). I know that we could have a great marriage if he "wanted" to try. You have to WANT it more than anything! That is where he keeps messing up! If there is no "want" there is no will!<p>I love him to death, but am in plan B now after 8 months and it sucks, but I am hoping for another and final reconciliation! It has to be on my terms next time with major counseling and with God in the center! I truely believe that is the only way it will ever work.<p>Also, PRAY PRAY PRAY! God will give you more strength than you'll ever believe!<p>Le