Ok, I am about to finish this AGAIN!! I will back in a little while...

Ok, here goes...this is LONG, but I have finally done it!<p>If you haven't read B's posts, then I will tell you that I spent New Year's with G in NY. B STILL plan A'd me the whole time. Shortly after I got back, I asked him to move out of the bed. G was uncomfortable with me sleeping with B. So I asked him to leave, he did. My heart wasn't happy, not AT ALL. I was not being myself. I am a loving caring person who hates conflict and here I was in the middle of creating it. I won't go into details about my relationship with G (maybe that is another thread, let me vent a bit J), but I can say he was controlling, jealous and more insecure than I was. So, here is Weez, being rude, unkind, uncaring (and immature, irresponsible…) towards the man that God himself gave to me. I was seeking happiness with G because I felt that I couldn't have it with B anymore. I didn't want it with B anymore.
Yet there was something making me stay undecided. Deep down, way deep down, I know that my heart was seeing all the changes B had made in and FOR himself. I was afraid to go back to him because I was having fun with G. Going back to B would mean hurting G and I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to hurt ANYONE, and wherever I turned, there was pain. So, how happy do you think I was?
Around March I told B that I thought I wanted a divorce. He had been coming here for some time, posting and reading books. SAA and "Relationship Rescue" were two that I know he read. He encouraged me to come here and read those books. I came here a bit and felt like a teenager who didn't want to admit that her parents were right. I started reading SAA and saw it was about MY LIFE, but I still couldn't admit that that was really happening to me. I wasn't in a fog; I knew exactly what I wanted. To be happy!! But I wasn't, at all…
I filed for D in April of this year. I never moved out of the house, just out of the room. We (B and I) were trying to do this the "best" way possible for the girls. Like it is ever a good way! We started to work on division of property, debt, custody arrangements and G and I started planning our life. He was going to move out here (AZ) and in late May I flew out there to help him drive a car out here. On that trip, I was physically sick the whole time. Throwing up and diarrhea and such a case of "nerves" you wouldn't believe it. I knew that I was making a mistake and had NO IDEA how to fix it. I felt like a little girl who lies and then has to keep lying to keep ahead of the snowball. I had gotten so deep…
When G and I got here, in early June, I knew that I didn't want THIS. He dropped me off home and I immediately called B and told him I NEEDED to talk to him. I told him that I didn't want a divorce, and that I missed him and still loved him. I said I was ready to tell G goodbye and I called him in front of B and told him I wanted to work on my marriage. I was where I said I was going to be and I let B check my cell phone. I set up MC for us and called him throughout the day. For about a week. Then I called G to "be sure he was ok" (WHATEVER!) and we ended up talking and admitting how much we missed each other. I was back on the roller coaster.
B and I celebrated our 8th anniversary on July 9th. The girls were with my Mom for that weekend and we had decided to paint and fix up their rooms while they were gone. We had a great time, laughing and listening to music (a favorite pastime) but all weekend I was keeping my guard up so as not to feel too close to him. I just kept telling myself that we make great friends and outstanding parents, but that we just weren't meant to be married.
Within a month, I had again L told B that I did want a divorce. I was so angry!! Now I see it as directed towards myself, but then I put the onus on him. It was all his fault. I didn't accept any of the responsibility. I was going to live for myself for a change, and answer only to me. Of course I didn't see how G controlled me so much. Or that I had stopped talking to my friends and family. Gee, I wonder why? Was I maybe afraid of what I might hear?!?
So again, B and I worked on getting a divorce. He had told me that this is it. If I change my mind again, he won't be able to handle it. It was just too hard on him. The girls were on this roller coaster with us as well. They knew what was going on and it showed. I HATED myself for what I was doing to them. I loathed the person I had become.
G came out for a visit again in early September and while he was here, we went to my C. I was "glad" that he wanted to start our relationship with C (what does that tell you??) and we ended up being in there for 4 hours. Then another 3 two days later. After he went back home, I returned to my C and she did a strange thing. She put a statue of a little girl( huddled up around her knees, burying her face against her arms) next to me and said this is you. I spent the next hour explaining why she was wrong. Then I spent the next week knowing she was right. I had hit my low. I had no idea what to do. I didn't want G, I didn't want B, I didn't want my kids, I was getting to the point of self hatred.
One night a week or two later, I spent hours crying my eyes out. I was so angry, now I know at myself. I just couldn't stop crying and I wanted to talk to B but had no idea how. He approached me and I was rude and sarcastic so he went away. (Mind you, our divorce was almost final, just a few weeks left. We only had to sign final papers and get our court date.) I grabbed my cell and my car keys and drove off. I called B and vented a bit. It was easier to talk on the phone to him and I was still so angry. I was still just crying my eyes out. I asked him" Why did it have to take this for you to notice something was wrong?" I was putting all the blame on him. HE didn't listen, HE didn't try. I forgot that I also stopped trying when it got hard. I turned to other sources for my happiness when ALL ALONG I should've just looked inside myself. I asked him how it got this bad and one of his replies was that he couldn't work on our marriage if all I did was SAY I wanted to. I never showed him.
It was like a light went off in my head. He was absolutely right. I knew right then and there that I wasn't going to be that huddled little girl anymore. I was going to stand tall and stand proud and not be afraid to think for myself. I was going to show MYSELF that I can change and be the person I want to be. Within a week, I had my pager number changed, not giving it to G. I just went home and wrote it down, gave it to B and walked away. I also started paging him with our I Love You code. I wasn't expecting any responses, but it felt right, (and healthy! J) so I did it. I started going to church again with B and the girls. I spent more time at home and helped out more. Then one day he paged me back. I called him and he said that he has always felt love for me, but that we still needed to go ahead with D. I understood. He said that if God wants us together, then he will put us back together in the future.
I was angry at first, thinking that he was being spiteful and mean, but then I kept making the decision to love him. I reminded my self of ALL I had put him through and how could I expect this to just disappear overnight? So I kept showing him that I loved him. We talked a bit more about me not wanting a divorce and him still thinking that we should proceed. I apologized again and again for what I had done.
We had been invited to a wedding together and had made plans to go together. I talked to him that morning saying that I was afraid of going, our friends would be there. I didn't want him to ignore me and I was anticipating an awkward night. He assured me that he wouldn't ignore me. We ended up having a great time and falling back in love, dancing to "Have I told You Lately That I Love You?". Over the next two days we talked a lot about our feelings. He said that he loved me but that he was so afraid of feeling more pain. He also noted the changes that I had made in myself. I apologized again and said that I understood. He said that he had no idea how to make this work. I told him… MC, reading, coming to MB, getting the support of those who have walked this road. PRAYING!! We talked about the fact that this "in love" feeling would go away again. He was worried about what I would do then. I said I'll just keep trying. Because I love him. And because I love me.<p>That was two months ago. We are doing WONDERFULLY!! We are in MC, I am reading SAA and HNHN. I am reading a lot here. We are spending time together and doing family things. Our girls are so much more "settled" now. B and the girls can all see that this time I am really here. It is so good to be back, I have missed myself.
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ...<p>Mrs. WLD...<p>I see so much of my H in your story...I hope that one day the lightbulb will turn on for him as well...I have seen glimmers lately...pray for us...<p>...but I, I am truly changed and I will continue to work and work and work at continuing to learn and grow...<p>What a wonderful story!!
Cali

Cali, I hope that you can get off the pins and needles now... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
When I go to bed at night and say my prayers throughout the day, I keep all the couples here in mind. It is such a relief to have this site, to know we are not alone!
Working on yourself is that best thing you can be doing, for yourself! No matter how your M turns out, you will be ahead. Chances are, if you keep Plan A'ing, and making yourself a better person, then your H will notice what he has been missing. That is what happened to me. I stepped back one day and noticed that considering EVERYTHING, B was doing a great job at a lot of things. Controlling his temper, doing things around the house, taking care of the girls. All things that HE benefitted from whether or not I was around. That made him all the more appealling for me though! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
Thank you for your patience in waiting for my LONG story!
God Bless

Oh my goodness.... I read through the whole thing, and you know what really hit me? The last 5 words: "I have missed myself". I wrote my WW a letter recently, saying that I missed her - the her that I knew and loved. She looked at me and said "I miss me too". Oh how that tears at my heart, because she's nowhere near where you are. She misses herself, but is powerless to stop herself. I can only pray that we get there some day. I wish we all could.....

Mrs WLD,<p> Yes, I see very much of my W in your story as well. She has only recently told me how much she hates herself for who she has become, and the pain she has caused her family. <p> Wouldn't it be nice if the light would go off on all WSes and they would then follow through with getting help for themselves and the marriage?<p> I do not know if my story will turn out even remotely similar to you and WLDs. I know I miss my W very much though. <p> Do you think WLD could/would come here and post an update to how he felt in the beginning of recovery and up to now? Or if he would post a link to his update?<p> jd

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Wouldn't it be nice if the light would go off on all WSes <hr></blockquote><p>Now, where's that switch [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>- Freddy

Mrs. WLD,<p>Finally! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It is so good to see that you and WLD are recovering well. I am certain that you have ups and downs as does he, but when you do come back and read this post. I think you have placed something here that will help you and many other people at this site.<p>I also hope that you keep posting here and offering advice. Your experience will help an awful lot of people who are where WLD and you were. <p>I have a few more questions, but they will have to wait until I have more time. In any event, thank you for this post.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Mrs WLD:<p>Your story brought tears to my eyes. Truly, I wish you and your family the best! <p>There was so much of what you said that I could relate to. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I was going to live for myself for a change, and answer only to me. Of course I didn't see how G controlled me so much. Or that I had stopped talking to my friends and family. Gee, I wonder why? Was I maybe afraid of what I might hear?!?
<hr></blockquote> You are describing my H's actions. Wow. <p>Again, thanks for posting. It gives some of us BS's a view from the other side. <p>AS

Thank you. I feel as though you have just put into words the way my H felt/feels inside.<p>I am going to go home tonight and thank him for "getting himself" back.<p>HbH

JR, I am sorry for your pain. I know what your wife is feeling and it is very confusing. I would like to reccomend a book my sister read to me. It is by Dr Seuss and it is called "Oh the Places You'll Go" It is a PHENOMENAL book, yes it is a children's story, but leave it up to Dr Seuss to give US food for thought. I read this while deep in my fog and it stayed with me. I always thought about it and I believe it to be one of the things that helped me out. You and your wife are in my prayers. Please post to me whenever you'd like. WLD comes here sometimes, he has a hard time making time. But now that I have finished my story, I'll bet he'll be around more...
JD...I guess that answers your question too? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I'm SURE that my H will come here and post. I read him your reply and he smiled. I know he has a lot to say RE: recovery, so I will try to encourage him to get here soon! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
Freddy, the only bad thing about that switch...even if someone else finds it, only the WS can FLIP it! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Be Strong, keep praying!
JL, PHEW!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I can't believe how long it took me! Please feel free to ask me ANYTHING. Being honest and open is the only way I can continue to recover, both my M and MYSELF!!
AS...I hope you had tissues around...I hope my words have helped and I am keeping ALL OF YOU in my prayers.
HbH... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] You're welcome. God gave me many gifts, one of them is writing. I can express my feelings so well with HIS help (most of the time! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ) Thank yourself too, for being there for your H to be himself with!!<p>I have come to feel at home here, I think of you all as my closest friends. The circle of Friends B and I are in are wonderfully supportive but only you folks here KNOW what we are both feeling. Ihope you all have a great day. I'm going to go set up my Yard sale now...wish me luck! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

jdmac1,
I'm going to post in a new and seperate thread.<p>Just Learning...HI!!! I remember you!<p>Does NSR (Jim) ever post out here anymore? He was turning stuff over to someone else last time I spent time out here. If so, tell him "Hi" and "Thanks" for me.<p>And thanks to any and all of you who were there for me all those months ago. I have to admit, there was a time when I never would have believed I'd be out here writing about recovery...but here we are. Remarkable lady...don't ya think?! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My perspective will be in a post I'm just getting to write, called "WLD's Perspective."

Bump, making it easier to find! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Mrs WLD -
I'm very intrigued by your story because it gives me some hope. My H has had 3 PA's (he says this last one was an EZ, but I don't gather that - just a little hunch I suppose).<p>MY H could be you! He too is very insecure. He had heard that the OM was all these things pyshically that he wasn't & I swear that was some exaggerated rumor [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] The OM just happened to be the 1 person that listened to me when H did not. But, my H is also very insecure. He spends hours at the gym trying to make himself into something else. His 2 previous affairs had a lot of this undertone. I recognized that I'm not the most affectionate person in the world and have tried to remedy that - but I know I still need to do better! <p>Vee<p>[ December 11, 2001: Message edited by: Vee ]</p>

Hi WLD,<p>Yes, it has been awhile and look at all that has happened. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Man, you have been on a real ride with Mrs. WLD, but it seems to have come to a very good end. <p>I haven't seen NSR post here in a long time. He slowed down a lot when he got his new job. He left a lasting impression on this site, with his welcome information and the compiling of very good threads.<p>I look forward to hearing the rest of your story as well. I think both you and the MRS. will make a hugh impression on this site with your stories.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

MRS.WLD,<p>Ok I am back. Questions, yes I have questions but they are really more of confirmation questions than deep penetrating ones. Is that OK?<p>I asked you before if you saw the patterns in your story? Of having someone in the wings or moving on when things weren't right. I guess the question that sticks in my mind is after going through what you must have gone through to write your post and of course life this episode of your life. <p>What patterns do you see? What has become clear to you in your life? What has changed in you that makes you more comfortable with WLD now? Has your vision of the future changed? Have you gained strength to battle things that come up in the future?<p>Those are the sort of things I would like to ask you.<p>Finally, I have forgotten how old your children were, but if they were older, then they must have noticed the strain between you and WLD. How have you and WLD handled this issue if it was an issue?<p>I am a nosey guy aren't I?? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I must go but have a good evening.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Vee,
Insecurity SUCKS!!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] For me, it is tough to look inside for the answers when I don't like what I see inside. But I'll tell you what...going through this and coming out where Bill and I have come out is great for my self esteem. I have become a MUCH stronger person, both inside and out. I like myself much more than I did before my A's. Good thing!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Do you ask your H how he needs to see affection FROM you? Perhaps the two of you have different views of what affection is? Maybe not, just wanted to point out that possibility though. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
JL,
ANY questions are ok, as I said, that is how I will heal. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
I will be back to post replies later, kids (and Bill) are waiting for a story (Harry Potter). [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Talk to you later

Mrs Wld I want to thank you for sharing your story with us it took alot of courage to do that. I am happy for you and your H that your recovery is going so well. Isn't is ironic that what we think we are looking for we've had all along.
Good luck to you.
C

OK, I am back...now let's see...where did I put that quote....Ah-ha!
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong>
What patterns do you see? What has become clear to you in your life? What has changed in you that makes you more comfortable with WLD now? Has your vision of the future changed? Have you gained strength to battle things that come up in the future?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I certainly see the pattern repeating itself. I just kept looking elsewhere for happiness. When things got even just a bit tough, I started looking outside myself, and eventually outside my M, to feel better. I have NEVER wanted to be alone, therefore I have always moved from one relationship to the next.
Things that have become clear... God has given me MANY wonderful gifts in my life. Friends, family, my house, my job (I love it!), my TALENTS...and most importantly BILL!!! He is such a loving kind man am I am truley blessed with him. I know that MANY other people would have given up on me ages ago. But Bill sees me as I really am, God's child. He never lost sight of the reasons we fell in love. I am so thankful for having him in my life, I don't take him for granted anymore. I now realize that I have to give 100% back ALL the time, to give him what he needs to give ME what I need.
We had MC last night and she asked a lot of the same questions you did. About what is different now. I have accepted myself for who I am and what I have to offer the world. I am Bill's wife, Rebecca and Amanda's mom, and a very talented woman to boot! I see my future with Bill to be full of conversation, nurturing, love, respect, companionship, romance, arguing (can't get rid of that one!) but most importantly committment. I have told him that no matter how hard it gets, I will keep trying. And if doesn't work, I will try again, and AGAIN. And once more again. We have already noticed a change in the way we communicate our needs, so that we are making ourselves more clear. God has given me the renewed strength to face the trials that I KNOW will come along. I got a clear picture of Just how much HE has given me and that I deserve it. But it is up to me to work for it now, not just sit back and let life happen.<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong>Finally, I have forgotten how old your children were, but if they were older, then they must have noticed the strain between you and WLD. How have you and WLD handled this issue if it was an issue?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Our girls are 6 and almost 8. They knew all along what was going on between us. They could feel and SEE the strain. We talked to them constantly, read books to them, and started taking them to counseling with us. We had no idea how to help them through this. Ruth, our counselor, is great and they loved her. We kept them informed of all major decisions and were as honest with them as their understanding would allow. They are so happy that we are together (DUH!) and they have even commented on the fact that this time they can tell it is for real.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong>I am a nosey guy aren't I?? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
</strong><hr></blockquote>
Nah, just human!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I hope I answered everything! Have a great day!!

Cybil,
You are most welcome! Irony does rear its face around here...
Be sure to follow WLD's post as well....I think he will be out tonight to post more...