Perhaps God really DOES work in mysterious ways…J<p>It occurred to me that I left out a big part of my story. I haven't told how I feel about myself, or Bill, NOW.<p>Let's start with me…I have my good days and my not so good days. For a long time, before we really got back together, I had a HARD time even looking at myself in the mirror. I was disgusted at what I saw. Because who I saw looked the same as the person who pledged undiing love for Bill. The one who promised to LOVE, HONOR and be FAITHFUL until DEATH do us part. How could she look the same?!? Look at what she was doing!!<p>Bill asked me once if I remembered a story in the bible about the woman whom Jesus didn't forgive. I told him no, (duh!) and he said there you go! He will forgive you NO MATTER WHAT!! He will LOVE you no matter what. Well guess what?? THAT is the unconditional love I had been looking for. JESUS treats me the way I want to be treated. HE fills my every EN, and I don't even come close to filling half of his, I'm sure<p>So, with that strength inside me, I was finally able to realize that I am human. I made a lousy mistake. It will NEVER be excusable. Or forgotten. BUT, I can change now how the future happens. Because God has given me strength and love and free will. THAT empowers me to be the best ME there is! J Not to mention the love and support I get from my wonderful husband. If he weren't who he was, with his God given gifts, this never would have worked.<p>So when I look in the mirror now, I see a woman who can ADMIT and ACCEPT that she is human. She will make mistakes, but she can LEARN from them. She has an inner beauty that shines in her eyes. She has learned to respect herself, and that enables her to pass that on to others.<p>Now how I felt about Bill….
I always loved him. Toward the finalization of the D I told myself that we are wonderful parents and that is why God put us together. I loved him for the father he was to our girls. But that was all. The rest had burned out. At least that is how it felt. No desire, no romance, just "brotherly" love. I had been through so much pain, both because of marital problems and MY problems, that my love for him got buried. It was too easy to feel the other things I was feeling. To feel love for Bill took WORK, and I was tired and lazy. I wanted the instant gratifications!<p>I feel sick when I think about what I have done to him. I want so very much to take away that pain. I can't take away the scar that I have left there. But I can make DAMN sure I don't do it again! Why?<p>Because I love him! He is loving, caring, smart, funny, talented, giving and FORGIVING. He's a wonderful father and guess what? He's human too!! J That means HE will make mistakes too. But he is strong. He has Jesus in HIM as well. He has made changes in himself, FOR himself, that I (and the girls) get to reap the benefits of. I love him with all my heart and soul. I am undescribably sorry for what I have done and I will fight to my death to protect him from ever feeling that pain again.<p>I hope this all makes sense. now that I re-read it, it sound funny, choppy. Well, if I need to clarify anything, ask and I shall...<p>Have a good day!

Mrs. WLD,<p>Now that was the answer I was looking for when I asked my questions. Congratulations. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>God Bless,<p>JL

Just to complete the circular references in total, I copied this from my reply to WLD's Post. I think it answers your questions to me on My thread.<p>Make sense? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Mr/Mrs Wld-<p>You two don't know how much what you've written means to me. You've given me hope to carry on in the last several weeks. Thank you.<p>My wife came out to the forum and lurked around some in the last couple of weeks, and I believe she read the Mrs' story. Though I haven't received any response on it, I can't help but think it's given her a ray of sunlight, the knowledge that it CAN work.<p>We've had some terrific interactions over those couple of weeks, and I feel better about myself, about life, and about my love for my wife than I have in YEARS. I'm not saying my work is done, but I actually look forward to the hard work that will hopefully result in our reconciliation.<p>Wld, thanks for showing us that it's REALLY never too late. That's something that both my wife and I have been struggling with.... "It's just too much", "too much has happened", "I can't forgive it all", etc... But I now am able to believe it CAN happen. I can't speak for my wife, but hopefully, she can see that too.<p>No matter what comes of our marriage, ANY relationships that we DO have are going to take a TREMENDOUS amount of work, and I for one am ready to put in that work.<p>Thank you so much for sharing your story with us all.<p>God bless,
Kevin<hr></blockquote><p>
By the way, your most recent post above pretty much highlights EXACTLY how I feel about myself. The realization and acceptance of my faults, and the willingness to work on those mirror your words.<p>Thanks again!
Kev<p>[ December 20, 2001: Message edited by: kevco- ]</p>

Just Learning,
<Blinking> Duh! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I knew that something was missing...just took awhile to find it! I also needed to find time to write it! Thanks for giving me something to think about.<p>Kev,
Believe it or not, I followed all of that! Probably lost ten pounds too!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Bill and I are here for you if you need us.. Here is our home e-mail just in case you'd like it... wldebusk@home.com Have a good night!

Bump^ because I read it and it made my cry at work. DARN YOU! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I hope to God my WW can find it in her to love me again, like you have your H.<p>Thanks for sharing.

Bump for those who need real inspiration.

jd

Wow...feeling nostalgic? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks for the compliment JD! I will be back soon to post an update, as it has been very close to a year of recovery. INCREDIBLE!
To be continued...