Lexxy,
First of all, in our culture not everyone celebrates Christmas!<p>And Secondly, there was SO much to think about in all of this Christmas was the last thought in my mind.

Well its a done deal -- so really no point in further discussing it.<p>I just wanted to point out to you that perhaps your action was selfish -- so that you can analyze that for yourself.<p>I pictured wife getting this letter, having a very emotional reaction maybe kicking H out of the home. And those 3 kids being very very upset.<p>And thats where my concern lies. With those innocent kids. I watch the happiness in my kids faces at this time of year. <p>How about your son Katie? Is he happy and excited? <p>I realize that not everyone celebrates the same holidays. But you know this family quite well. Do they celebrate Christmas?

Katie,
There is no good time to find out your spouse has had an affair.<p>But, "I will not offer you any shallow apologies " isn't being sorry or contrite or remorseful. No where do you state DEEP APOLOGIES. This is not an apology at all. I thought that was your first intent?<p>I think the OP contacting the BS is just a way to stir the WS into contact.

Lexxy,
I know that his mother celebrates, but i'm not sure that he and his family do. If she kicks him out (which I SERIOUSLY DOUBT) it certainly won't be the first time. <p>Actually, she can't kick him out. It's his house. There have been SEVERAL occasions that she has gotten angry and left. Couch surfed for a few weeks and then returned home. She's left on birthdays, Thanksgiving and many other special occasions. There have even been holidays that he spent with me because he didn't know where she was (or so he claimed). Their kids are 13, 8 and 2. All boys. Just from what i've overheard while on the phone with him something tells me that mommy getting emotional in not gonna be any big shock.<p>My son, well he's 3 1/2 and onw day he's excited and the next day he doesn't care.<p>Lor,
Let me ASSURE you that I don't want him back!!!!!! I know him EXTREMELY WELL and this is NOT the way to get his attention. He's such a conflict avoider that this is the one way to 100% guarantee that he will NOT contact me!<p>I am sorry that the affair happened. I am sorry that I let myself believe his lies. But there is no way that I can send this woman a note going on about how deeply sorry I am when I continued this relationship with full knowledge of his situation.<p>I think it would be BS and totally false to have known what I knew and now seen her some "deep apology" message. Had I been sorry I wouldn't have done it in the first place.<p>I was just trying to be honest becasue I think that she deserves to know.

Katie,
You wrote: "I think it would be BS and totally false to have known what I knew and
now seen her some "deep apology" message. Had I been sorry I wouldn't
have done it in the first place."<p>
But read your first post on this thread: "Truely I could just go on my merry way and leave this woman alone. She
deserves that. But in a way I want to apologize."<p>Apologizing is admitting wrongdoing--an action. Being sorry is a feeling. You can apologize for past actions, even if at the time you did not feel it was wrong.<p>I guess I shouldn't be taking your first post literally where you say you want to apologize, then send the BS a letter that states you will not apologize.

Katie...I have been reluctant to get in on this post...<p>...am going to pose a 'think' about it for you...<p>Are you sure you don't harbor some ill will towards OM and want to stir up some trouble in his life? <p>Your description of OM and W are far from attractive...seem pointed and sarcastic...if it took you this long to decide to send the letter, I would think you would have done a lot of thinking including when it would get there...her reaction...his reaction...and you say you feel sorry for his kids?<p>If you truly felt for his children...you would have ended the relationship when you first knew he had children or was expecting with wife. <p>And yes, this is about me, the first 'evidence' I found was a friend of OW emailing my H that she felt sorry for the children involved...but she had no compunction about urging my H to buy OW a 'meaningful' birthday present that could be hidden in plain sight.

OH PLEASE<p>Filtering the reality to fit your world.<p>A man you were intimately involved with for 10 YEARS and you're not sure if they celebrate Christmas.<p>And I notice you are going back to painting this woman as a hysterical nut. Make you feel better to do that?<p>In 3 postings in this thread you say that you are sorry, (and many other threads as well) yet in your letter you express absolutely no remorse or concern for her whatsoever.<p>I thought you really were getting it. This woman may very well love her husband -- she is allowed emotional outbursts. <p>I think you need to analyze yourself. Lor makes a good point that maybe this about stirring up things with him again.<p>Grow up Katie. <p>You did this for YOU, not for some care or concern for this woman. That is evident in your last dramatization of how you view her.

(deep sigh)
Oh ain't it grand to have 20/20 hind sight. <p>At the end of the day I feel like I tried to do the right thing. Was it perfect? Hell no! I never expected it to be. It wasn't the perfect letter with the perfect words or the perfect timing. Was not now. Will not ever be. To my thinking, to my credit, after months of wondering about it. Thinking about it. Disregarding the idea outright, I finally found the courage to do it. I finally found the words that felt right. So today, i'm pretty damned proud of myself becasue I know where my thinking was when I did what I did. I am 100% certain about what was in my heart.<p>There is NO question that I have a million feelings about him, me, his, W, their children and this entire situation. I understand that you guys will over identify with his W. You are after all BS's.<p>So, do I harbor ill will toward him. Yes. And that's just one of a million feelings that I have about this entire situation. Do I wish him ill. Absolutely not!

(still a deeper sigh)
Lexxy,
Celebrating Chiristmas. No tree. No lights on the house. A few small gifts at home (sometimes). Dinner at mom's. Is that a celebration? No big to do. No Santa in the chimney. <p>My view of his wife. All I know of her I know from him. Many she's a sane as they come. Maybe not.<p>Had I wanted to stir things up with him I would simply pick up the telephone, called him and said "there's a great AA meeting on 3rd Street tonight. How about I meet you there." It's that easy. Affair back on!<p>If W knows it's off and it's off for good.

Katie,
Not only am I a former BS, I am a former WS.<p>You said you were sorry & wanted to apologize. You didn't tell her that. I thought maybe that was inadvertant--like you said, not perfectly stated. But you are now stating that lack of apology was deliberate. <p>Most people said "don't contact her", the only reasons anyone said you should is if she didn't know about the A and/or for you to apologize...<p>Your right, your life, whatever.<p>But just because some posters are betrayed, doesn't mean they never figure anything out and aren't reading your posts carefully.<p>Your letter is cold. If I got it from the OW, I'd go ring her bell. If I had written it...I would have been up to no good. That's the opinion of a former WS.

Katie -- for the record, I am also a WS.<p>So the ones that have probably been hardest on you are not BS's.<p>So ultimately -- its a done deal. If you're ok with it, then good for you. I simply wanted to point out some inconsistancies so that you could think about it.

Katie,<p>What was the intention of this letter to OM's W? <p>I mean, really? It does not sound like an apology letter in the least, and being a BS I think I'd recognize one. The tone of the letter sounds more like this:<p>"I had an affair with your H, I'm letting you know it went on for a very long time. And, I also want you to know that I'm writing you because "I" need to heal, so that's my excuse for contacting you and hurting you with this information."<p>I see no remorse in your letter, no apology, no compassion or sense of empathy in your words. <p>Forgive me Kattie, but I think you have a hidden agenda in writing to her. I believe your intent was to make sure the wife knew the duration of the A so you can validate you were important to him and make sure she knows that. And also to get her to LB.<p>And BTW: With regards to the very bad timing of your letter .... I'll simply quote you ...<p>Katie Wrote:
"There is no easy way to write this letter. I have gone round and round for a VERY long time about telling to the truth and the timing of it all."<p>So if you've "gone round and round for a VERY long time" why would you chose to do this right before Christmas, after 10 years, why not wait 2 weeks before sending it?<p>Jo<p>[ December 11, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

After spending 2-3 days exchanging private messsages with one prolific poster here on MB I decided to write this letter.<p>I would have chosen to omit dates, but was encouraged to include them.<p>I wrote the best letter that I knew how to write in that moment and mailed it while I still had the courage to do so. <p>I spent years saying "i'm gonna say something to W" (and officially end it all) while we're apart. Then I wouldn't. He'd call. I'd cave and the A is back in full swing.<p>I had a long talk with my best friend about this. She said to me "think about it - what is your greatest fear in all of this?" I honestly had to tell her that my greatest fear in this would be that he would not love me any more. This letter assures that.<p>A question for BS-
Would you rather have the most perfect letter, with the most perfect words and perfect timing. Or would you rather just know that the A is over once and for all.<p>Choose one.

Oh, and about the "timing of it all."<p>I was thinking more in term of "do it now while I have the courage" or wait and just see what happens. Wait and see how I feel about it.<p>Honestly X-mas is not much more significant than groundhogs day in my culture.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Resilient:
<strong>Katie,<p>What was the intention of this letter to OM's W? <p>I mean, really? It does not sound like an apology letter in the least, and being a BS I think I'd recognize one. The tone of the letter sounds more like this:<p>"I had an affair with your H, I'm letting you know it went on for a very long time. And, I also want you to know that I'm writing you because "I" need to heal, so that's my excuse for contacting you and hurting you with this information."<p>I see no remorse in your letter, no apology, no compassion or sense of empathy in your words. <p>Forgive me Kattie, but I think you have a hidden agenda in writing to her. I believe your intent was to make sure the wife knew the duration of the A so you can validate you were important to him and make sure she knows that. And also to get her to LB.<p>Jo<p>[ December 11, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I totally agree Jo. Sounds like a "neener, neener, neener" letter to me. Personally I didn't give a rat's a** what the OW "needed to heal" as long as it didn't affect my life any further! How does one justify basically saying "It will make me feel better to send this letter, so even though none of this was your choice I feel that I have the right to twist the knife in your heart even more and cause you some more pain." If exOW had the gall to send me a letter like that I think I would have had to march it back over to her house and make her eat it lol. That letter was only to cause pain and stir up trouble. Just like the original phony "apology" phone call that I got from our OW. Actually I'm sure I would have gotten letters like that eventually if I hadn't threatened her with legal action.

Yeah -- a woman would totallylove to get a letter from another woman which details a multi-year relationship with her husband, and I am sure she will feel soooo goodthat you are now willingto let him go.<p>Nice job Katie.<p>If you really cared about this woman -- which you say is your reason for doing this -- then you would have done it in a way that was respectful and apologetic and allowed her some dignity.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Katie Scarlett:
<strong>
A question for BS-
Would you rather have the most perfect letter, with the most perfect words and perfect timing. Or would you rather just know that the A is over once and for all.Choose one.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>If (and that's a BIG "IF") I wanted to hear from the OW, I would have rather she state a "clear apology", that without question would have shown remorse and compassion for my unbelievable pain and suffering. And also for her to say "IF you have any questions I'd be more than willing to answer them with complete and utter honesty."<p>Jo<p>[ December 11, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Katie,<p>I feel like I'm being mean to you, but I am being honest.<p>I think you are hurt, like you have said ... and "YES" I'm sure you could continue the A with MM, but I also think he has told you he'll never leave his W and you had expectations that he some day would have. <p>IMHO, I think you harbor massive anger and resentment toward the W and MM, and want to hurt them. I think you are trying to gain control of the situation and your emotions, because as I read your words it sounds as tho you think you could make or break his marriage, and want the wife to know that. Altho, deep inside you know you can't.<p>This contact with wife has little to do with her and everything to do with you and your resentment. This letter is not letting go, to me it wreaks of revenge. <p>I'm sorry to say that, but it does.<p>Jo

"After spending 2-3 days exchanging private messsages with one prolific
poster here on MB I decided to write this letter."<p>And the prolific poster said "DONT APOLOGIZE"???? LOL. I'm sure. I'm a bit prolific myself...and an oldie, 3 years now.<p>As for your Q, would a BS rather read a perfect letter or know it is really over... What part of "NO CONTACT" do you not understand?<p>I will always maintain--BS & WS-- that contact is an invitation to more contact. ALWAYS!<p>Even for conflict avoiders.

You know what. Maybe she will read it and think it's a mean letter. Maybe she will think that it's about revenge. <p>All I know is that in my heart, honest to God, it's not. <p>As a matter of fact there was a huge insident at the beginning of the summer and he came to my house. His thinking was "well i'll just stay here until this all blows over." I told him "you HAVE to go home. You can't stay here." I dialed his home number and handed him the phone. I closed the door so that they could speak privately. So I don't know what they said. He went home though. (At least for a little while.)<p>I have been his crutch. I have let him camp out, vent and cry on my shoulders for far too long. I'm SO tired. So, so, so, so tired of the drama that is all things MM.<p>I love him. Still, this much time later, I love him. The difference now is that i'm no longer in love with him. Even if he were single I would not want him. he's a GIANT MESS!!! A newly sober giant mess. They don't make messes bigger than the newly sober kind BELIEVE ME!!!<p>I'm not in the habit of apologizing to wives. This is my first shot at is. So it's not perfect. Maybe I should have spent another day, week, year on this letter. But had I done that it never would have been sent.<p>I felt like I left it open ended by leaving my e-mail address. That way she can ask me whatever questions she wants. I have nothing to hide.<p>I know now that i'm glad that I didn't post the letter here before I sent it. Because given all of this, um "feedback" I never, never, never would have sent it. <p>And for today, i'm glad that I did. Because for the first time in nearly 10 years I feel done with him and I feel free.