RoseRed,I have read so many of your posts, and feel that we have SO much in common. My WS is also a pilot. He picked up his "friend" in a bar while socializing with the guys. He says that as the Captain he is expected to hang out with the crew, flight attendants included, and buy the drinks. Well, after I discovered his A I wrote out what I expected from him: NO drinking or eating meals with female crew members. No buying drinks for any crew members even if he is not drinking. If I am expected to try to rebuild trust then this is the very least that he can do.
Although he has told me that he will not ever s---w around again, I simply cannot accept the thought of him being in this environment,and no, changing jobs is obviously not an option. As for your H needing to eat, he's a pilot, he's smart, he can find food somewhere besides a bar. I'm sorry, but I simply don't buy the bar option. As for my H, he tore his knee up and has been on medical leave since the week of our "agreement". He's on a short leash, but will be flying again in Jan. time will tell... Prayers to you, Ladysing<p>BS, 43, H 43, married 22 years
3 sons, 18,18,14
D/day, 8-01
trying to forgive, but still pretty pi--ed off! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

RR,<p>Yes I did see many FA that took the job only to land themseleves a Pilot H. I heard all sorts of stories about what goes on in the hotels.<p>Our airline was even banned from staying at one hotel in Tampa because of a party that got way out of hand. But I also have to say that while I was a FA I had several married pilots who made passes at me. Also a reason why I quit. There was one flight crew I flew with that I really enjoyed being with. This was when I was on reserve. It was my 22 birthday and they decided that they were going to take me out to dinner and drinks. It was the first time I went anywhere with the flight crews.<p>Both pilots were married and so were 2 of the other FAs. We had a wonderful time, dinner and a couple of drinks then everyone went back to their seperate hotel rooms. One of the pilots even said he had to get back early so he could call his son before he went to bed.<p>I have seen the very bad side of it though also.
Everyone knew what pilots were sleeping with what FAs. It was company gossip. Very sad. I hope that you and your H can find a way to make this work.

Hello friends!<p>Husband returned this morning, so what with love busting [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] and making love [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I've been unable to get online. Through all this, it seems as if a plan of sorts is developing about how to handle these late night arrivals and the bar scene. So far it's a little vague, but we'll be discussing it more tomorrow. I'll let you know.<p>MnM, I'm so sorry for your pain! It grieves me to hear how badly you feel. I wish I could sic Steve Harley on him.... Sweet lady, I hope you look forward to the time that you will be over this. You will get over this, you know, and you will be happy again. Have you thought about some counseling for yourself? Maybe through your church, since the money thing is still a problem. I'm worried to hear you sound so sad, so much.<p>BtDt, you are such a dear! You know, one nice thing about pilots is that their peer group isn't the same from day to day. It's not like an office where the same people see you daily and get to know you. Yes, my husband does get to know some pilots, but very often his crew is made up of strangers. However, there is still some peer pressure, to drink and be a jerk. Strange to think that I was very much aware of it when he first became a professional pilot, but after several years I slowly decided that he was too loyal and honorable to fall into the worst of that. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>BtDt, you don't still have to go to those awful office parties, do you? Somehow I have the idea that you stay home with your child...?<p>notheard, yes, he does have a cell phone, thank goodness. He calls me now every time the plane lands. This has the dual effect of keeping us in touch with each other emotionally (so we can't be a case of "out of sight, out of mind"), and also keeping him busy during times which I suspect used to be given over to flirting with flight attendants. He says that he has changed his demeanor with the crews now, and just acts professional and detached. I hope this is true, and I give this about 90% likelihood that it is true.<p>You expressed something I've thought before about this: I may not can stop him from having another affair, but I can sure make it inconvenient. Before his affair, I just forgot about him for hours when he was on a trip, sometimes for days. I've always been inclined to worry (ironically, not worry that his plane would crash, but worry that he would be unfaithful...). For years this fear was ungrounded, but I dealt with it by not thinking about him at all when he was gone. He hardly called me, and I didn't mind. Well, that just left him too much freedom, and probably made him feel that I didn't miss him, which was true. You can believe that I'm doing my best to intrude on his workday as much as possible, in a loving and affectionate way, of course. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I haven't read Boundaries in Marriage yet. My therapist recommended Boundaries to me years ago, and I never got around to reading that either. I will keep my eyes open for a copy. Thanks, notheard!<p>Rainefall, I didn't think you were pushy before, just had decided exactly what you want! That's great. If I had a husband who stayed in town, I think I would try to do the same thing. You are absolutely right that I really wasn't communicating what I want to him, and also it turns out that he wasn't communicating to me either. I didn't realize that he was making more of an effort to get his hands on some food before arriving at the hotel. Wish he'd told me earlier!<p>Ladysing, I like you! Even my husband laughed when I read him your tough signature line! Uh, how was it that your husband tore up his knee...? Didn't have any help there, did he? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Buy drinks for the crew? Yuck, haven't heard that one! Who does he fly for? Budweiser?<p>About your 18 year old sons, are they twins? We have 8 year old twin boys.<p>Music, thanks for your reply. Of course, you're right--married pilots can be on the prowl as easily as f.a.'s and actually probably in greater numbers. I'm glad you're out of it!<p>Thanks all!<p>Rose Red

Hi RR,
Nope, I'm not a SAHM. I don't think I could handle that job because I probably would be working 24 hours a day nonstop!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I DO have an office job to escape to (Tech Writer) where I can hear my own thoughts for a time.<p>Hmmmm... Wonder if the fact that your H is with new crew members all the time makes him feel obligated to fraternize after a long, hard, night's work? Or maybe it's just the polite thing to do. Unfortunately, one too many beers might lead to the problem of feeling too comfortable around strangers... I can understand your worries about this. But you can't be drinking coffee if you are trying to unwind, tho. I don't know, it sounds like a tough (socially tense) situation for any worker to be in... <p>I'm glad you guys had a terrific reunion and I'm sure it will work out. Looks like he is trying to please you so that is definitely to your advantage. Seems like you just need a tiny bit more assurance.<p>OH and re: our office parties, was just invited to one this week, but won't be attending...

RoseRed, sounds like you had a good evening with your H, me too, it sure makes the next day look a little brighter! My H was injured playing soccer, too much I might add and a major LB! I'm so sorry for his pain..yeh,yeh. Anyway, my boys are twins and freshman in college. All 3 are the light of my life, they are such a blessing! Looking forward to being together again over Christmas as they are both at different schools out of state. Hope you are saving lots of $ for that! My H read my post and said that it made pilots sound like alcoholics, he really is such a good guy that I had total blind faith and never questioned his morality. Lesson learned, I truly feel that he is repentant and committed to our marraige. He has agreed to no alcohol or socializing with crew members. I should count my blessings instead of the other stuff I tend to obsess about! Prayers to you and your family. Ladysing (by the way, it's NWA)

This is a sad time for me. I do ok most days. My H is so hateful tho...every day is something new.<p>In May, we went to a retirement dinner for one of our friends....that is the last time he acted semi normal. <p>I saw a counselor twice and talked to Steve once. It was good. My counselor said he was a sociopath---read all the emails he had sent me. Well, he has gotten worse since then. He is so full of anger and hate towards me. I really don't understand. I don't think I could ever treat someone like he is treating me. How could you do that to someone who has always loved you? I know there is no answer to that. I will probably never know. <p>My H flies for NWA too. I am not even proud of it anymore.