Confused Guy,<p>This thing takes time, 8 weeks seems long, I know. But to show your wife (Plan A) that you are working on your part in the marriage demise will take some time.<p>First and foremost you need to realize that you are important too. You have worth and regardless of what happened in the marriage, an A is not the answer and is wrong.<p>Please take care of you, please don't take all the responsibility on yourself for what has transpired. You are 100% responsible for 50% of your marriage and your wife the other 50%.<p>Getting thru this part of this horrible thing (acceptance) is very very hard, but you can do it. All of us here have been thru what you've been thru and hurt just like you .. AND WE MADE IT, we are here and most of us are Plan Aing our tushes off, and you will be too. Just as soon as you get past the shock. We will help you get there.<p>Please take good care of yourself.<p>Lots of love and prayers your way.<p>Jo<p>[ December 20, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Try to hang in there. I know the feelings all too well and it breaks my heart to hear anyone else suffering like that. Someone recommended talking to a clergyman and I thik that is a great idea. I wasn't particularly religious but a friend referred me to her minister and he was a great comfort to me. Keep reading too. I devoured so many books that I lost count. There is always hope. I went from havign my H tell me that there was "no way we would ever get back together" to having him get on his knees and thank me for giving him another chance. You'll be in my prayers tonight.

Hi CG, <p>I see you have been getting responses and support. Your feelings are very common and it is ok for a man to cry. It touches my heart to hear such tender emotion from you. I hope your W can see how you are. <p>In the interim, post here. Would you like to e-mail or talk to someone here? Some of the guys here have been able to help each other out. As Wat says, he understands and I know there are many more understanding guys here on this site. <p>Ask ok? We are here to help. <p>Take Care,
L.

CG,<p>I'm am so sorry for what you are going through. Like so many of the people here I've experienced similar things. Just know that you are a good person and do not deserve to have this done to you. I can recall asking over and over what I had done to deserve it. The answer is simple... nothing. Sometimes life just sucks.<p>The only way through such pain is to go right through the middle of it. What I mean by that is don't try to escape it. Find a quiet time when you are alone, probably at home, and just cry your eyes out. Let it rip through you. You may have to do this a few times. There is something about crying and then getting a good sleep that helps us get through the pain. And don't worry about crying 'cause you're a man. Men cry too. Men NEED to cry too. <p>Just make sure that you have something to limit the time you spend doing this. Like give yourself 24 hours, but plan to have a friend come over and do something with you the next day. That way you don't become house bound and overly depressed.<p>Another thing.. have you seen a doctor to be evaluated for clinical depression. It would be a normal reaction to what you are going through. <p>Take care of yourself.

checkin' in to see if you had posted again...<p>I know lots of prayers and hugs have been cybered your way...<p>Take your last shred of hope....and believe...<p>Cali

CG - it's OK to cry. I've certainly done my share of it.<p>I have to disagree with your counselor about not talking to ANYONE about your situation. Sure, if the world knows, any recovery may be more difficult, but I don't remember a single case here where recovery was prevented by public knowledge. In fact, the light of day is commonly what is effective to start an affair's natural death spiral.<p>If you are still reluctant to talk to a close friend or relative, think about starting a journal. A lot of BSs do this, myself included. It's therapy for the mind to organize and document your thoughts. In a way, you're talking to the world and in this way the world is a very patient listener and won't argue with you.<p>In the meantime, keep talking to us.<p>WAT

Thanks for all the advice and the support. The hard part about life is your mind says one thing and your heart feels something else. I am not ashamed to admit that I cry. It just happens from all of the feeling within me. I even have cried several times in front of my wife. I suppose I should only break down when I am alone.
I am trying so hard to understand and deal with this in the best pay possible. It is just a real hard thought that someone that says they have loved you for so many years just one day wakes up and treats you like crap. I will keep reading more books and trying to gain the strength to make myself a better person. Honestly I am doing this for myself first. Second I am hoping my wife will see something within me.
The climb up the mountain of life has never been easy. But I never thought it would be my wife that would push be back down the mountain.
At this point the one thing I can't seem to handle at all is not hearing from her on why she is doing all of this.
At first I thougth she did this because of the other man. After she was caught in that she said that was just a mistake. Then she said she just wants to be single and party. Lately I am hearing no I don't want to party that I am just un-happy and have been that way for awhile.
As the tears flow and I deal with the pain I just hope one day answers will come and my hopes and dreams will come true.
These next 13 days will be some of the most difficult days I will ever have to face.
I just hope that my wife realizes that her emotions are going to make her make some bad decisions in all of this. Her friends are not smart enough to see that her emotions are going to get the best of her.
I just hope that my wife comes back and is willing to work on the marriage.

Dear Confused Guy,<p>You have gotten a lot of wonderful advice here. Listen to what EasyE says...he is telling you to get up, do something different, what you're doing is not working. There is nothing wrong with crying and being alone, it is a very necessary thing for us to do...it's grief and it sucks. <p>I know I felt better (even when I was in the crying all the time stage which lasted months) when I got the heck away from my home. Home has all the triggers, the house you built together, the furniture, the pictures. Sometimes I'd just drive to a church and sit there alone. I'd go to a movie alone, just to get my head out of my own pain for a bit. I drove my friends and family (thank God for each and every one of them) crazy with unscheduled visits...they were always there waiting with open arms. God I needed that so much. I bought a punching bag and the kids and I beat the heck out of that on a daily basis.<p>The thing is, that it starts to get better when you can get through grief a bit and get to the fun stage of this mess ...ANGER...Now, I'm bad at anger, never really knew how to be angry at another. Sounds like you are a lot like that. And you can't fake it, but when it comes it sure feels a lot better than the overwhelming all-consuming sadness.<p>Please call your brother. Tell him you NEED him. There is nothing wrong with this. I understand you are trying to do all of this right per your counselors advice, but man, you have got to be able to fall into someones arms and relive yourself from some of what you're feeling. We need human contact, human touch...now more than at any other time in our lives. No one can blame you for that, it's as necessary to us as the air we breathe.<p>Get your wife and her convoluded words out of your head. Pay NO attention to what she is saying. She can not be trusted right now, she will lie without even thinking at this point. I don't always know about the fog thing either, but she is in a bad bad place and cares about no one right now but herself. Only you can take care of you.<p>Talk to the wonderful folks here, but also find a real live human to talk to...I would have died inside without my friends. There were several I could call at 3am and you know what, it made them feel good too, they knew how much they were saving me, they have been thanked many times over and it made them feel important and loved too.<p>I'm just so sorry you are going through this, the toughest stage at all, especially alone, especially at the Holidays. Don't choose to suffer alone. Don't be embarressed to cry in front of others. Every one of those tears are part of the pain you are letting out. <p>Take care...we care<p>allison