I feel so alone today [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I have felt so disconnected for the past couple of months- and Christmas magnified everything- I feel disconnected from my H- disconnected from my kids- my family- God....<p>Am I alone in this? Is there ANYONE else that posts here who's WS decided that they wanted you- and didn't want divorce- but you are choosing divorce anyway????<p>My marriage was ten years of hurts, lies and betrayal- and now I can't even get divorced "right"!!!<p>Please- is there someone else who is struggling with this?<p>TLFM

I have never had to struggle with what you are going through and pray I don't.<p>My suggestion would be to search your heart and see if there isn't a speck of love in it for you H and if there is see if you can build on that and do so very slowly.<p>I would suggest a lot of dating and no living together for a while.<p>I wish you luck

I went through it.<p>I served the D papers during our 7th separation, and my H had a complete turnaround, wanted the marriage. But there was no promise he could make that he hadn't broken in the previous separations. There was nothing he could say that meant anything to me...or if it meant something, I could trust it from him.<p>It was an awful time. Jan-May 2000. We did reconcile the 7th time, and now have been in recovery since then. To reconcile, my H showed me he had changed. Even though we weren't living together, he did Plan A to me. Cut off contact with the OW, except where needed for work. He gave me passwords to his email & voice mail. I hardly even used them, cuz I didn't care.<p>But, eventually, I reminded myself that my marriage being rescued was my optimal outcome. The reason I had done 18 months of Plan A prior to the 7th separation. And...I decided that if I did not give him the last chance, I would regret it and always wonder.<p>I believe it was the right choice, and I don't regret it, and he has proved that he has changed. He is different every day from the bad times.<p>I don't know if you are living together, but if you are separated, don't rush back into the marriage. If your H can show you changes when you aren't living together, he'll likely continue if you are. <p>If you are living together...have you done counseling? Have you thought about what you really want? If this change in your H is real...would you want him? Or are you afraid because of the hurt he has already dealt you?<p>This is one of those times you need to search yourself. If you could wave a magic wand and have your life be any way you wanted...would your H be a part of it?<p>If your H is sincere, you can re-build your marriage...but only if you both work at it from this point on. You can also pursue the divorce.<p>It is your life.

Thank you both for your replies...There is a speck of love- but I'm afraid that everyday it is a speck that is growing smaller instead of bigger like it should be...Every day I can't help but feel like I'm about his tenth choice- I would rather be alone than be someone's "last resort" [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>He gave me passwords to his email & voice mail. I hardly even used them, cuz I didn't care.
<hr></blockquote><p>I can't care- because I can't access anything at his work place anyway [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] It is pointless and stupid for me to spend everyday looking over my shoulder- I can relate to this- if anything- he is now ultra suspicious of ME- like I'm trying to meet other men, etc...he has turned it around on me...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I decided that if I did not give him the last chance, I would regret it and always wonder.
<hr></blockquote><p>I'm afraid to do this on two levels- if I go ahead and divorce him- and he really has changed- then I have just thrown my love and heart away because of pride and the need for self respect..but on the flip side if I DO give him a last chance- how do I know he won't just slip back into what is comfortable for him? Lying and cheating? I was evidentally easy to lie to for a long time [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>If you are living together...have you done counseling? Have you thought about what you really want? If this change in your H is real...would you want him? Or are you afraid because of the hurt he has already dealt you?<p>This is one of those times you need to search yourself. If you could wave a magic wand and have your life be any way you wanted...would your H be a part of it?<p> <hr></blockquote><p>I think what I really want- is to not feel like I've "settled"- to not let my fear of being alone, or struggling financially, to keep me from proceeding with a divorce. I also am not relishing the fact of being a single mom at the age of 30 with 3 little kids- I will get them like over 300 days out of the year- and he gets them- what? every other weekend and a holiday or two? <p>I think if I could wave a magic wand- I could possible see him in my life- but maybe someday far off- out there somewhere...not now-<p>I guess if I could see that he would be loving me and patient with me now- no matter how long it took- I was loving and patient with him for ten years and he cheated on me for five of it with almost ten people...<p>Which brings me to-
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>If your H is sincere, you can re-build your marriage...but only if you both work at it from this point on. <hr></blockquote><p>But I'm just so tired- SOOO TIRED- I don't have anything left in me to even work on it...and every day increasingly- I don't think I even care to...Being alone seems more and more appealing to me- but is that because I haven't been yet?<p>Also- How do you know that people change? Have you ever met anyone who really has?<p>It took me 8 years to trust him in the first place and this has happened [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>How hopeless for my future [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>TLFM

TLFM,<p>I'm not sure of your marital history. You say that it was 10 really bad years. I can relate to this. My H and I were both miserable. The affair brought everything to a head. In trying to understand and recover from the affiar, I was referred to this website. I read everything I could by Dr. Harley. Especially, his book, Surviving an Affair. If you have not done this yet, I strongly suggest it. It WILL make a difference in your understanding of things.<p>There are things that your H can start doing now to regain your trust and show accountability. Let him know what behaviors are triggers for you and what he can do to reassure you. You don't need to live apart to regain trust and work things out. If you have three children think about not only having to deal with the fall out of the affiar but also with their confusion and emotions. It's my opinion that this would be an added strain or your marriage.<p>You talk about feeling last choice. This is normal. It falls in line with Dr. Harley's Love Bank theory. There aren't a whole lot of units in the love bank. You need to learn how to meet eachothers needs first so that you can start building units and then the "in love" feeling will come back. At first, doing this will feel strange. It's like learning a new habit. You have to do it over and over again for it to feel natural.<p>You can recover. I'm a little over a year and a half into recovery after being told that there was no way to save the marriage and that he was moving out. It takes a lot of hard work but if there is a chance that you two can work it out, then you should do everything in your power to make it work before you file.
Please read all the material you can b Dr. Harley and see if you can get your H to participate with you also. Start with the Emotional Needs Questionnare. It will give you an idea of where to start.<p>take care,
cleo

But Cleo!!<p>That is just it!! While I appreciate your posting- and your kindness-<p>I DON'T WANT TO RECONCILE!!!! It is not an option- it never has been an option- and our marriage was always horrible so there is nothing to even reconcile to!<p>Frankly, I'm too tired for more hard work- I've spent ten years "plan A-ing" without even realizing that is what I was doing and it did me NO GOOD- he STILL managed to cheat for over 5 of it with almost 10 people!! It is HIS turn to PLAN A with me (I don't cheat and never have!)<p>I was wondering if anyone here was in my shoes- finding out about the affairs- then saying "ok- fine- you want your freedom- it is granted!" only to have the WS turn around and change their mind!!!<p>CHANGE THEIR MIND????? WHAT???? Now I'm feeling even MORE confused- and NOTHING about my divorce process is going right AT ALL!!! I can't handle this any more and I'm incredibly lonely....<p>I feel very alone in this- I feel like there are a couple kinds of people here- those that are the BS and want to reconcile at pretty much all costs even if the WS doesn't<p>Then there are those that are the BS and are going to divorce because both the WS and BS feel it best- <p>But I don't know of anyone who is the BS that has had the WS decide all of a sudden that they wanted to be married and "in love"...Am I supposed to just "snap out of it" and forget the past hateful ten years? How degrading!! I can't believe in my heart that people really change- is there ANYONE out there who "gets" my situation?<p>I'm glad you and your H are in recovery...I don't mean to belittle your situation or what you have endured and are progressing thru-<p>I just am NOT going to travel that path again- I've been destroyed on every level- and have nothing left in me to give.....<p>I didn't know if there was anyone that might share my dilemma in terms of their WS "changing their mind" and making real changes in their lives?<p>Thank you though! Best wishes to you!
TLFM

lor is the closest to what you ask about, but IMO her story is exceptional, not the norm at all, nor has it stood the test of time. IMO people do not change very much, they can clean up their act some, but fundamentally alter who they are...no, absolutely not. They can (if circumstances warrant) fake it for awhile, even quite awhile, until it serves their purpose to betray (be it affair or otherwise) you again. IMO most serial affair people are sociopaths to one degree or another, they conduct their lives the way it suits them, you will allways be "settled" for in that sense, they cannot bond, they can only fake it like chameleons, and some are very very good at it. Further I think we know it (eventually) but get trapped by kids, and finances, and history, and hopeless dreams into denial, until we literally can't escape. <p>I really do not see why people try to rehabilitate someone like your H, no real point to it. If you have learned your lessons re marital dynamics, and how to avoid dysfunctional people, you will have little trouble finding someone who will love you properly. It is almost like they get a reward, someone keeps trying and trying and trying....and what for, to get a dysfunctional person marginally functional, and work work work for the rest of your life for a modicum of happiness? Many of the bs here are project oriented, they value the effort of doing the repair, and that is ok, that is their psychology, if it is not yours, then simply end it, and don't look back, you will not regret it. What you may be feeling is the fear and grief that come when any relationship ends, even bad ones. It is confusing cause you think maybe this means it can work..... it won't. If you are to be divorce will make no difference. You can still date him if you want, he can woo you, but you no longer have any legal entanglements and can also date others to compare, and that is what I think many of the bs here with seriously dysfunctional spouses would be far better off doing. If someone has true love, divorce won't change anything, it is just record keeping anyways, divorce has nothing to do with love, you can still give him a chance, you will just not be under his thumb, and vulnerable to him. I suspect if you diovrce you will find he quickly starts looking around, and that will be all you need to know. If he can plan a you for a year, and be squeaky clean, and you have compared him to a few others, fine then remarry. The trouble often IMO, is people do not listen to their hearts enough, and there is far too much emphasis on saving marriage at any cost (thing is, no one but you has to live your life 24/7 with this man) and not nearly enough help in determining whether you even want to be married, and supporting leaveing it, without feeling like you are defective or something. <p>There is at least one poster here who did divorce, even then her H persuaded her he changed, and they later remarried, and sure enough, he cheated again ....*sigh* fog is not just the exclusive realm of ws it seems, lots of bs wander about lost too, chasing the fantasy, and not looking at what they got to work with. Good luck.

Sadnlonely--so I'm an exception...all that means is that things can be really, really wretched and recovery can...at the very least, begin. Test of time? You're right, 19 months isn't 5 years, or a decade, but my H is back to whom he was, the A behavior was the wonky behavior, not how he was before, and not how he is now. Even so, no MATTER WHAT the future holds, no regrets for this past year and a half.<p>And...if I had continued on with the D...I think I would have been ok there too. It was a choice for both of us to make this marriage work, we both knew how life was without the other and chose to come back together, even with all the baggage, pain, betrayal, guilt--doubled because of the relationship I had with the OM.<p>Too Late,
My H really changed...and had the A. It took 2 years for him to want our marriage again, and by that time, I was done. Like I said, I served the D papers, started moving on, seeing someone else THEN my H wanted the marriage.<p>I do understand. <p>You don't know if you give him this chance if he'll do it again. I gave my H 6 chances to move home, each time he walked out again. One would think that would have burned me enough...and it did.<p>But...we've been married now 18 1/2 years, 2 teenagers. I wanted my family together, my marriage healthy.<p>I didn't particularly want to go through my 40's with 2 daughters with no dad in the house, but, at the time I served the papers...he hadn't truly been there for 2 years.<p>I still haven't caught if you are currently living together but if not, my best advice to you would be to Plan B. No contact with your H for awhile. See what his behavior is like. If he wants the marriage, he'll act like it, he'll try to contact you. If he starts dating, drinking, partying...his actions would show he doesn't care quite enough to be married to you.<p>When actions and words are in conflict, believe the actions. I don't know what he is doing now for your marriage.<p>I don't believe once a cheater, always a cheater, but then, I have been one, and don't intend to ever stay married and have another relationship. One person/spouse cannot change the other, but if there is never any change...cripes, I'd go toes up right this minute. I think everything changes constantly...except the past. The past does not change, the future is bound to be full of change, and some of it is within our control, but most of it isn't.<p>You don't have to stay married to him, you don't have to try, you can move on, and no doubt you will be successful in your healing. Just be sure that is what you want.

let me clarify something (in case was not obvious), I am talking about serial cheaters, pattern behaviour over a long period of time. While lor is close, is not the same, her H was not a serial cheater (if I got that right), and they had other issues (I assume). And sorry lor, people don't change, ask any psychologist. One can withing very narrow limits clean up their act, but no one can change their basic psychology, any more than they can their physical morphology, intellect, etc.. it is in the genes. The lion share of behaviour is genetically driven (again don't argue with me, I just read this stuff, argue with the experts if you prefer). Enviroment does play a role in how the psychology is expressed, that is why on occssion you can actually rehabilitate someone, but is an uphill battle, cause most "crime" is also genetically driven. Anyways too late, people marry dysfunctional people all the time, even the harleys do not recommend preserving such marriages..... at least not until the individual seeks and is successful with individual therapy.<p>Not sure if I offended you (lor) with my test of time comment. I am very intrigued by your story, have been since I read it. My guess is you both settled, that use to bother me about people, but I have come to understand that is what many do, it may even be the norm of sorts, and why MB can be successful. Personally I would have looked at going through my 40's with the kids as a challenge, and an opportunity to find passion, you gave him to many chances, and I think (from reading all you have written so many times) opted for security, and the known comfort, vs the unknown potential. I do hope it sticks for you, and the bond is the deep fullfilling knowing that we all yearn for, I hope he chose you above all others, and not just cause you kept giving him chances and nothing better was on the horizon. I don't believe in temporary insanity, people have affairs for reasons, and most often I think it is fit based (unless they have personality disorders). Some reevaluate and settle, some decide they are better friends than spouses and reorganize accordingly, neither is right or wrong, it is simply about what each of us values.

OK, I think I understand exactly what you are trying to say(i'll blame it on post holiday lag).
I certanily didn't have to deal with the amount of infidelity that you have. I can understand and appreciate your resolve to get out of this situation. I do know someone(who does not post here)that has been in a situation similar to yours. She did divorce him and he became involved in a long term relationship with another woman but I don't believe he ever really changed his ways. I suppose that you can't know for sure right now if he really is sincere about changing. Only time will tell that. You certainly can't trust the words.
If he truly wants things to work, you will know whether you are together or not if he has changed.<p>sorry for the misunderstanding
cleo

I can definitely identify with what you are saying. I haven't filed yet, but am on the verge, and from everything my therapist has told me about my WS's disorder, the same thing is going to happen in my relationship. My love is also growing smaller and smaller by the minute, and I know that if WS decides to come back to the relationship, it will definitely be too late. In my case, WS's problem will only get worse with time, and there is very little if anything that can be done to correct it. I was told that if we had a child, I would then have two children. It's been over 6 months, and WS will not admit to anything despite a multitude of red flags. I'm more annoyed by the lack of respect that has been shown than the A's at this point, but I know the A's are continuing, and I just can't have a relationship like that. For over a decade, there's been nothing but lies, and A's, everything I thought was a decent relationship was a sham.....all part of the disorder. If WS had told me any part of what has been going on, I would have reconsidered, but not at this point...too many lies, etc.<p>I'm with you!

Thank you all for your responses to me, and to eachother. It has given me a lot to chew on...<p>I just don't know anyone who has truly changed- or any marriage that has come thru this and is truly happy....I have parents, in-laws, cousins, sisters, aunts/uncles & friends that have all been thru this "cheating" thing- EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM RECONCILED- did the counseling bit- do the "church" thing- yet NONE of them are all that happy and either the cheating behaviour has returned- or the cheater just kind of "checked out" emotionally. There have also been a few times that the BS has cheated in revenge and/or would with a little motivation!!! I just can't imagine living the rest of my life "settling" out of fear...<p>I'm 30- I have a grandma who's 100! That is alot of potential years of living with someone who has hurt me tremendously- or living alone...<p>To answer one of your questions- yes- we are still living together...The month I found out- he lost his job and I told him I would follow him wherever he was going- for the kids- but would be divorcing him once we got there...Brief run down- in ten months he totalled my car- leaving us to share one vehicle- we moved (and paid for it our selves) 1200 miles across the country- sold our house to rent an apartment (HUGE MISTAKE)- his grandparents are the closest relatives- but he can't live there because of age restrictions- and he has since, been out of the job we moved for and taken another one.<p>Our landlord won't let us out of our lease- and now we cannot afford two different places, and without family around- he has nowhere to live.<p>I also wasn't able to get my license until July- and I have to be a resident here for 6 months until I file for divorce- which means basically, I will be filing in JANUARY- a full year after learning of his activities....<p>So we still live together..his clothes are in the front closet- and he often sleeps on the couch- but I will admit- with him loving me so greatly- I also often let him sleep with me. (Not always just for sex either) Basically- my marriage was completely horrible- and now I can't even get divorced "right" either!! (that is what I mean by that!)<p>As far as I know- hahaha(good one right) he has not cheated since D-Day which was in Jan- and his last cheating was in July of last year....But then of course- I'm just the idiot wife- without access to his work- to his work phones and emails- to his work friends and women...so what in the hell do I know??? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!<p>He had cheated for over 5 years with almost 10 people- all mainly sexual- I don't know any of them- what the look like- anything about them- all were employees, coworkers and customers- one person tried to get him fired- I just found out in Jan...Not from him- an anonymous phone call- and he only admitted to one- he finally told me of all the others almost a month later.<p>Our tenth anniversary came and went in Oct- I have been with this man since I was 19.<p>SNL- I have to tell you- I had always believed in my marriage vows- I was true to them- like I said before, I plan "A"'d without realizing that is what I was doing- He never told me what he wanted, what he needed or what he loved. Within about a year into the marriage- I could tell he was not happy- yet I kept trying to change, adapt, be loveable- all so he would love me....Today though- and as I look around here- and other websites- and my friends and family- I don't believe in marriage vows AT ALL any more!!!! How can they even mean ANYTHING if only one person is upholding their end of the deal???? I can be committed to a marriage all day long- and was for ten years- trying to figure out how to meet his needs, caring for the kids and the house, working to supplement the finances, staying fit and attractive, cooking for him, planning our vacations, being involved in church, and all he did was decide I was trash and went away to have his fun [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>WHY DIDN'T HE JUST LET ME GO FIRST?????<p>It was like the minute I said- "FINE- you have lived like a bachelor- you want to be free?? GO AWAY!!!" He decided he wanted to love me, and has done this complete change!!!!<p>Which of course- throws a huge curve at me- because I know relinquish him of his commitment to me- I always told him cheating would end it- so of course, that is the first thing he choose to do!!!<p>So- sorry this is long- but this is what I've been struggling with!!!<p>And no one around seems to be in my situation to advise me?? I know at this website- most people that are the BS are just waiting for their WS to turn around and love them...I'm just not that- Mine HAS- and I just can't see how it can be real!!! I don't understand at all- when he tells me I'm the most beautiful woman he has seen- how he can even mean that- when he spent two thirds of our marriage looking for something better...<p>I'm not forcing his hand- or demanding counseling- or "wanting him back"- but his daily loving me is making this difficult for me to stick to what my convictions are- IT IS OVER!!!! And a new relationship for me with ANYONE is a very long ways away....<p>OK- I'm just having a Friday morning ramble [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks again for your responses...I will be going thru alot of changes this next month I think- and my children too...Your prayers are appreciated- and thank you for your kindness you have shown me!<p>TLFM

TooLate,
My situation is not like yours, either, more like the "BS...wanting at all costs..." scenario you described. But I just read something in your last post which may help shed some light on your H's latest actions, if I may elaborate.<p>First of all, I'd like to state for the record that I'm a "Bible-beliving, born-again Christian" and my stance should be "stay together no matter what - it's what God would want. Vows, and all that." and for me, I believe that is what I have to do for my M, but having said that, let me tell you what your last post seemed to jump out and say to me about your M....<p>Your H is in it (all his conquests, etc.) for the thrill. "The thrill of the hunt," so to speak. So now that YOU are rejecting him, YOU become the next object of his hunt/conquest. He's pursuing YOU because you are pushing him away. It's my feeling that he's only Plan A'ing YOU because it's the next conquest on a long line. <p>I have to agree with S_N_L on this one (scary for me to say [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ), I think your H is a serial cheater, something haywire in the genes, maybe? Dunno. When you said his previous A's were "all mainly sexual" - it triggered this thought in my mind that it's a "chase and conquer" mentality. I just would wonder, if I were you, if he's really going to change, or if, once he conquers YOU, then the "thrill of the chase" will be over, and he'll go out again and pursue his next "victim." <p>Sorry to only have negative thoughts at this point, but you're sincerely seeking, and I'm just trying to help.<p>God Bless,
Lupo

Thank you Lupo-
You verbalized what my biggest fear in all of this is!!<p>It is two fold- I look around and see NO successfully changed reconiliations..<p>And then I KNOW my H- I have lived with and loved him for almost 12 years...Married 10 of it- he always wants what he can't have- those were even the circumstances surrounding our engagement in the first place- I had broken up with him- and he bought a ring...<p>When he asked- my first words were "are you sure?"- ha- HUGE RED FLAG and I ignored it!<p>He always wants a better place to live, better job, better car, better clothes- he spent two thirds of our marriage looking for a better woman...I don't think I can believe him ONE MINUTE when he says I'm the best??<p>And to top it all off- he was MAJORLY controlled by his parents- and then the christian college he went to...so it is like he has spent many years "controlling" things "underground" (I had another post on passive aggressiveness that fits his tendancies well)-<p>At any rate- I REFUSE to be "another conquest"...And because that has been such a pattern with him- <p>I also- am not a perfect person- but like I said before- I am attractive- I'm a great cook- I like a clean house- I make good money- I have great kids...Frankly- I'm CAPABLE and am also CAPABLE of being fine on my own- I think 12 years ago my H saw how "great" I was- and set out to win my heart- and once he had done so- took off to do his own thing and ended up destroying me in the process...He also knew the whole while- that I was capable of "running a family" without him- so he basically checked out on all of us [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I want him to be real- I want HIM- I love him- but I don't think that love covers everything...<p>I guess I just need some time- some time on my own- finding myself again- being capable again- living for ME again- and re-discovering my relationship with God, my kids and my family (I spent so much energy trying to get him to love me [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] )....<p>I don't know if he will have the patience and perserverance to let this run it's course....<p>I honestly- feel like saying- FORGET IT! I don't want a divorce- but I know that if I don't stand up NOW- and forge ahead and take things slowly- I will always wonder...<p>I can't spend the rest of my life with my heart jumping into my throat at the sound of a name- or the look of another female- or the glimpse of a lie from him....<p>I won't live like that.<p>Oh- and this is confusing a bit to me also...Althought I VIEW his past as "serial cheating"- I really DON'T KNOW how attached he was to all of the women- I just know there were several over 5 years- and from what he has said- all mainly sexual- but maybe he loved them? He had two counselors that told him it wasn't serial cheating or addiction- they said it was because of a lack of his relationship with God...<p>Well- while that is partially true- I just can't let MY FUTURE security and dreams lay in the possession of SOMEONE ELSES state of relationship with GOD!!! His relationship may falter- and what happens then?? Lying and cheating are comfortable for him?- He was able to turn to that without batting an eye like some people turn to alcohol or drugs....<p>I just am too afraid to really experience the kind of love he is offering me now- for fear that when he takes it away again..I will be lying on the road- even more broken and desecrated than I am now [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thank you all! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] It has helped just writing these things down and trying to sort thru the pieces....<p>And "H"- I know you are probably going to read this- I have nothing to hide from you- I love you- Just please be patient and let me sort thru this???<p>Will you wait for me? Will you love me?<p>I guess only time will tell...
TLFM

Too Late....<p>Have you researched Narcissistic Personality Disorder? There are definite parallels between your WS and mine. I believe there have been several OP's during our 12 years of marriage and 20 year relationship. I too, wonder how important any of them have been. It's like WS has a bottomless pit that can't be filled. I know the feeling of being kicked in the stomache every time something suspicious occurs. <p>When you mentioned that you just want to be loved, that also struck a chord. There's no depth to WS's ability to love. It's all very superficial, and the only thing that matters if what WS is feeling or gets out of the relationship. <p>As for reconciling, I too, don't think I could ever believe a thing that WS would/will tell me. WS only tells me somethings and conveniently glosses over/avoids everything else. I know how unhappy I've been always feeling that there is something WS is hiding. When I uncovered a few things, I confronted WS, and despite 6 months of counseling, WS has told me absolutely nothing of the truth. <p>Problem is, my therapist has told me that WS is emotionally dependent upon me and will continue to seek me out even once a divorce would be final.
This has proven true on occasions when I have "set WS free". <p>We too still live in the same house, and the roller coaster of never knowing what mood to expect today is taking it's toll on me. If my expression isn't what WS thinks it should be, the yelling and the slamming starts. I rarely yell back, but that doesn't matter.<p>Do a little research on the personality disorder, and post back. Let me know if it fits. Take care, and I know struggling with this dilemma is no fun, but I wish all of us a Happy New Year.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>We too still live in the same house, and the roller coaster of never knowing what mood to expect today is taking it's toll on me. If my expression isn't what WS thinks it should be, the yelling and the slamming starts. <hr></blockquote><p>Sad1-
That struck a cord with me for sure...My H has lived like a "defeated perfectionist"- not wanting to "fail"- so not trying to hard at something so if it fails- it wasn't really his fault...He is so talented and wonderful and has so much to offer- but any time I have told him so- he runs the opposite way of what is expected of him and turns everything around on me to demonize me in his mind- (and during his affairs- I'm sure to his women)..<p>I can't fight that tendancy!!!<p>Now that he loves me- I am the one supplying my passwords and ID's on here and I.com- I'm the one feeling like a "naughty child" if I've done something I'm not supposed to! Or if a man corresponds with me from here- I thought I WAS THE ONE that should be checking up on HIM- HE IS THE CHEATER- not me!!! EVERYTHING gets turned around on me- I'm so tired!!<p>I can barely function- yet he gets upset if I don't hug him or love on him as frequently as he thinks I should...I have been riding the rollercoaster that BS ride- yet it frustrates him and he loses patience with me...<p>I keep trying to tell him I'm sorry that I struggle alot- but then It makes me mad- because HIS ACTIONS and cheating are the reason I'm struggling!!! I AM NOT the one looking for another relationship- I AM NOT the one lying- I AM NOT the one who choose to introduce this into our marriage...<p>Yet- here I am- feeling hopeless about the future- and trying to maintain sanity for my kids sake...<p>Everything I say he takes personally- everything I type here he says slams him- he doesn't hear that "i love him"- he only hears the bad from me and accuses me of things that HE HAS DONE these past ten years- when I HAVE NOT or would not do that...<p>
I will have to check out what you are talking about...I also am going to be getting into some counseling for me- so I can start working on areas I need to be focused and to start healing...I have to get off of this fence...I love him- but I know that only time will tell...<p>I just don't know if he has the patience for that [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>TLFM