HI My OWn ME, I really like your name... and that it spells MOM> Thanks for contacting me earlier and being willing to email the ebook, you are the sweetest.. need to ck my email.<p>I feel for you and I will pray for you.<p>Dearest Father, Guide MOM as she goes through these next days of her marriage living with the husband she loves- let her love and devotion to him shine through in all that she does and doesn't do in the next days. Help her H remember how much he once loved her, and that they are part of a family together and always will be regardless of the legal marriage or divorce.... GIve her strength in the pain she is in Lord, and help her be strong in these challenging days.
We know that you know best Father and turn to you for strength in knowing that you will guide us.<p>MOM, I heard some wonderful advice today at my alanon meeting. <p>I may not like the situation I am in, but I can like myself in it.<p>I love that, I am going to start to live this statement... thanks for being there for me, and I will continually ck in to see how you are when you post. thanks and GOd Bless you.<p>Hugs, HONEY [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

MOM, also I am with everyone do not lose your home to him.. let him move out...Maybe there is more reason why you would move, if so, let us know the details, i am sure you will get feedback... would like to know why you would go if he had affair?<p>Also, get your own lawyer... I am working part time for one, and going to be able to barter my work for his time.. you never know- you can find ways to afford it, and if it is his deal, he files first and you have to respond... you may be able to get him to pay for everything in the end...<p>Also, there are womens organizations with free legal aid... I have foudn them in my city and am thinking of getting on the list for them... often you have to wait.. but for women who cannot afford lawyer. and need to be treated fairly in this type of situatiaon. thanks, honey [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Good Evening MOM, Jo, and Everyone,<p>Thanks for the explanation of the cycles. It makes sense. Thanks to SAA, S knows about the benefits of antidepressants. He hasn't chosed to take them at this point. They can be a God-send.<p>As you may had read in my posts, DIL filed for D and moved to a neighboring state in May. Total shock, no clue about A. D-day in one month later. Separated 8 months, plan A by S, even MB weekend. Most recent contact w/OM Dec. 13. S moved to her town Dec. 17. Got hit with reality check, that she hasn't made any signifcant changes. He's now sleeping on the couch and being told his moving in has turned her world upside down. = depression. While they were separated, he could maintain hope. Now that they are back under the same roof, I think S will reach acceptance rather quickly. He's tried so hard. Grandson is so messed up. It's so sad. Heck, I'm depressed. It's like I've been tending a loved one hovering at death's door, hoping against hope that they'd survive but unable to do anything to make a difference. I think all of us know that feeling. I think I've reached the acceptance stage of grieving for S's loss of family. I hope S reaches that point soon, too. Then he can start to heal.<p>MOM, I think that once you are in your new place you may actually feel some relief. It must be awful for you knowing what he is doing and being constantly reminded. Forgive me for digressing on your thread. One day I realized there was only so much a BS can do no matter how much he/she wanted things to be different. That's not to say I like it, but I finally said, "So be it. He can't change her." Of course, my pain is insignificant compared to yours. However, my small pain allows me to share your great one. <p>Take care,
Estes

Sing,
Thank you for thinking of me, even in the midst of your incredible pain. The only explanation I can come up with is that they have NO clue of the pain and agony they are causing us. Knowing my H, I believe even if he ever understands what he's given up, he is much to far gone to ever admit it. At this point, he is using pot, alcohol and of course OW, to block out anything REAL in his life. I'm so sorry you're having to go throught this. My prayers go out to you.<p>Estes, Jo, Honey,<p>Thank you so much for all the advice, information and concern. I really appreciate it. Jo, I have gone through the stages of grief, because my first husband committed suicide. I was 23 and we had a 4-month-old son. There was an A involved there, too, but my H could not handle what he'd done and decided to check out. I have to say that I went through the stages at that time much more quickly than I am going through them now. A death is much more immediate and final.<p>Estes, you are a loving, caring mother, mother-in-law and grandmother. You son is so lucky to have you in his life. I truly feel he NEEDS to get on some anti-depressants. My doctor has put me on Celexa, and there are virtually no side effects. This can help to "even" him out some. Like my doctor said, it's not a "happy" pill, but it does help with some of the anxiety.<p>Honey,
In answer to your questions, I did post that the reason we're selling our home is that neither of us can afford to live in it (and take care of maintenance, etc.) by ourselves. Our credit card debt is pretty high, and we are going to pay all of it off with the proceeds from the sale of the house and start fresh, each of us, on our own. My H will be paying child support and living nearby so he can continue to participate in his children's lives. I am moving out first because 3-bedroom apartments do not become available very often, and so when one became available for February, I took it, because I had to make sure that when the house sell, we had a place to live. We live in a nice area, my son is graduating at the end of the school year, and I wanted to be able to keep the kids in the same school, so our options were few.<p>As for my H, he has already been approved for another apartment complex (about 3/4 mile from our apartment), and the 1-bedrooms become available every month, so once the house sells, he'll have a place to live.<p>I do have my own attorney. He's working for my interests, but my H and I really aren't fighting over ANYTHING, so to save money, we are using my attorney. We don't have any assets, other than what we will get when the house sells, we have agreed on child support amount, custody, etc., so I do not see any reason to spend thousands of dollars on attorneys' fees.<p>I'm a little sad this morning. My H announced he was going to see his sister and his mom today (yeah, right!). It's been so hard for me to realize that he's already got a life outside of our marriage, and now that Christmas is over, he really does not want to share anytime with me. I made the mistake of asking if he wanted company on his drive; he said "NOPE." It hurts to know that even though I know that he's seeing OW (whenever possible), he still feels the need to lie to me when he leaves the house.<p>I will just keep myself busy -- maybe go visit a friend. We have to be out of the house for an hour and a half this afternoon, as we have a showing on the house.<p>Take care all and know that I truly appreciate all of you!!!<p>Love,
MOM<p>[ December 29, 2001: Message edited by: Myownme ]</p>

I am sure you have thought of all of this, but just in case....<p>What if you move into the 3 bedroom apartment and the house does not sell for a while? Will you not be going further in debt?<p>Have you considered that maybe you don't have to sell the house and split the debt totally? If your husband had been willing to give up the affair and work on the marriage, there is a good possibility that the divorce would not be happening. Because it is his choice, I would let him shoulder a larger part of the debt. If he ends up married to the OW they will be a two income family, and you will be single with three kids. <p>Could you tell him that you will assume responsibility for the house and house payment, and he can assume responsibility for the greater part of the debt? Once you sell your home, and use your equity money to pay off debt, it will be hard to save and purchase another home...etc.... Does the OW own a house? Chances are, given the opportunity, the affair will run it's course... but if NOT, you husband would not have the kids and worries of housing if he moves in with her.<p>Just make sure you take care of yourself...and if you are trying, let him suffer the consequences. Do not feel that you have to shoulder half of the burden.

Thanks Susan,
He is taking the majority of the debt. He's taking the debt he created, and I'm taking the smaller debt that I've created. I do not want to stay in the house. I am bound to my lease in the apartment, and frankly, I do not want to take care of the house. Even if I cancelled my lease, I would still have to pay the first month's rent at this point. I DO believe the house will sell this month. The realtor says it's a great house, great price, it's just that we put it up at the slowest time of the year (holidays). My H is getting help from his mommy, so I am not going to have to worry about him and the house. Yes OW has a house. If my H ends up there, that's his choice. I'm really at a point where I HAVE to totally let him go. He's making it clearer and clearer to me each and every day that he has no feelings for me whatsoever. I've become only the mother of his children, the housekeeper and grocery shopper. I think my heart is becoming harder as the days wear on. The lies are too much. He left Saturday to go up to his sister's house. He was gone 6 hours. I know dawg gone well he went to see OW, and it's become so common place, it's like it doesn't even matter to me anymore. I'm actually looking forward (most of the time) to getting out now. Thanks for the advice, I do appreciate it.<p>MOM

I do understand that, and if anything were to ever happen to my husband, I would not be able to keep up a house and a yard. I worry for you that you are not getting your fair share. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>But, I do think you are doing the right thing. I think you need some rest and peace and you can't get that living there with him.<p>I think he has a lot of issues that need to be addressed BESIDES the affair. For instance, alcohol and also the pot. He may see it as no big deal, but fact of the matter is, it is illegal. He had more than one addiction. Hopefully he will eventually gain the strength to see this and overcome them.