<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by honey:
<strong>Katie Scarlett, I am so sorry you have been the OW in this position for so long... I know it must be awful and I can symphathize... I started out as a party buddy, but I grew up...
Thanks, HONEY</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Honey,
Dont weep for me. As an OW I got to choose my level of commitment. So when it got to be too much for me, I simply sent him home. It was the W that was committed. Not me. <p>As long as things were cool I was there. But when the going got tough, KS got going. Make no mistake about it!<p>When I saw him in such sorry shape though I remember thinking "oh my God! I can't imagine what i'd do if I didn't have an easy out." There is no question that I loved him. But I never loved him in a way that would make me stay though anything. I was willing to be a little uncomfortable, but not too much.<p>Also, I grew up. I wanted more for my life and more from my relationships. He didn't fill that bill. The more I know about him, the more i'm, really glad that I didn't commit my life to him. <p>I think ideally in relationships we hope to partner with someone that we can grow and change with. and when that doesn't happen, boy oh boy!<p>God Bless.
KS

Wow, this is an interesting discourse between you two, Scarlett and Honey. There are a lot of similarities... MM having affairs with many women over the years, the adiction problems, the BS being painted as a crazy nut case by the WS, OW and others, his family backing up his bad behavior, a marriage that never had a chance to start with.. (sorry Honey but I think you know what I mean) <p>This is almost spooky. Maybe Scarlett, you can see some of what your MM's wife was going through all of those years, what the children go through and your contribution to enabling his bad behavior.<p>Maybe your giving support to Honey will bring you a long way to personalizing it all.<p>No one deserves what Honey and her children are going through.

HI, I know exactly what you mean.. unfortunately I have given 10 yrs of marriage to this man waiting for that one day when he would stop drinking and be responsible... and be a grown up. ALcoholics are fun, likable and jovial... they are great pals.. unless you live with them... and they start blaming you for all of their problems in life... I always suspected my H had cheated on me... did not want to believe it... he finally got caught.. and I think when I caught him.. he thought he was out 4ever... so he left... I think he is major waffling and of course will eventually want to come home and have good ole me take care of him. Sad, but I won't take care of him anymore... he does not even realize I took care of him so long... and I hate that I did... it was hard as hell.. trying to make this grown man behave when he acts like a rebellious teenager... I am sorry I went for the bad boy type. He is fun, handsome, and great... I really feel like if I stay with him... I just have to decide I will provide what I want in my life... and whatever extra he brings (financially) at least is a bonus... sad, but that is pretty much the way it has been for a while...<p>THis is not the kind of grown up relationship I want, nor is he the father figure my kids need, but I still love him. I want to MAKE IT WORK... I can... but I WANT a REAL MARRIAGE>..not one with someone who will run to another woman when things get tough or I give tough love... or push me to all the crzed boundaries of psycho- ness and suddenly forget all the psycho stuff he did... which was about 500x more than I ever did... And if I tell him he is irresponsible, drinks too much, or might need help... he just denies it (that is the little god talking in the alcoholic)- or blames me... <p>Believe me, when I married him and even though we had partied... a lot.. I really thought... well, you don't do that forever... for me it was a phase... a wild side... not a lifestyle.... for him it is a lifestyle, and he likes it, even for his kids.. or he is too blind to see what it does to the kids... even my 9 yr. old sees and does not like it...!!<p>OH, it is sad to love an alcoholic... my alcoholic promised me a big house, he was going to buy it for me in a great prominent neighborhood, he was going to be a successful attorney... this was all when I was 23 yrs old... I met him when I was 16- and yes, he was basically one of my first boyfriends ever in life... this makes it all the more harder... he is the one I have loved the most in this life period.<p>i want him to grow up for the kids more than me... but I would love it... and STOP DRINKING>.. his family will not see it, their heads are in the sand pretending he is successful..sometimes he is... sometimes he fails miserably... usually it has to be somebody's fault and it is never HIS fault...<p>Oh I could go on forever... thanks for reading my vent... <p>I am glad you had the good sense not to be committed to the alcoholic or trying to save him... it makes you old before your time... I am 33, and I have gray strands coming out of my brown locks due to the recent episodes- i want my children to know their daddy... and the sad thing is<p>Daddy is nice and wonderful half of the time.. he is a functional alcoholic... the other half- you should run for cover... it is starting to seem peaceful here in our home without him.. it is sad but true.. ME and the kids are predicatable... funny he says I make him walk on eggshells... I DO NOT THINK SO>.. it might be my reaction to his craziness which is wrong and volitile.. but I really calmed down and just let go and let God for the last 3 yrs... but see, I wasn't taking care of him.... so he had to find somebody who would... He did go out and get a real job- MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT, but has been laid off... the OW came from work... and had no way of knowing who he was in the past... and this was his first REAL JOB EVER... and he lied on his resume to get it... YES< HE DID. tears... tears and more tears to love this type of man- funny that I am the complete opposite of the crzy bit++ he is making me out to be... I have saved his life over and over... and yes, that does make me somewhat insane... <p>I am working on it, one day at a time.. I really am scared I won't let him come back.. it is so bittersweet. <p>I am glad I can talk with you KS, thanks for listening... there is a common thread and I feel if my h's OW had any idea what she is dealing with and the lies he is feeding her.. she would run like hell.. which is what I would of done... had I been able to figure it out before I got sooo deep into this.<p>HONEY

You know what's funny honey, for a long, long time I just couldn't imagine life without him. Why would I want life without him. He was SOOOOO fun! So great! So full of promises that never quite came true.<p>We have been on and off since the early 90's, but I always knew that he was just a phone call away.<p>These days the thought of him terrifies me. I just got back from a lunchtime AA meeting in the building where he works. I could go to AA over here, but the great meetings are in his building.<p>When I first started going over there I used to pray that I would run into him. That way I could see him and it would be an "accident." NOW I pray that I don't see him. I go out of my way to NOT stand out in the crowd (it's a huge meeting, maybe 100 people). Today i'm wearing a bright red shirt. I kept my coat on to cover it. Funny how things change.<p>I always thought my love for him would never die. I don't know that it's dead now, but it's in intensive care, on life support and really not looking good.<p>Looking back I can see that he dated like an addict. On our second date he got down on his knees and started talking about love and forever. I was like WOW! This guys is NUTS! This is our second date!!! I was 22, he was 33. He wanted forever and I wanted to party. I had just moved to NYC and wanted to have a good time.<p>I know now that at the time he met me he had had 5 back to back live in girlfriends. After I said no to forever, he became very distant. He met and married his wife shortly after.<p>Very early into the marriage he called me up to rekindle things.<p>It seems SO clear now. Now that I have some distace from it. But at the time he just seemed fun and romantic.<p>Anyway, all of that to say "Take it one day at a time" and with distance maybe you'll see things more clearly.

Thanks KS, It is hard to say no to someone who promises you sooo much.. but it never comes true.. and then, it is all your fault... in my case... anyway.. I appreciate your insight... I am starting to feel farther away from it, and that is good. I love him, but he has to face his addiction, and if he cannot then... I cannot live my life the way he chooses to live his... it is not good enough.<p>thanks for the insight... I really appreciate it, as it is very hard to see straight coming away from an alcoholic.<p>thanks, honey