Hi Zorweb -- I think I was editing at the same time you were responding.<p>To answer your question I never sent a letter -- I was never willing to do that for H. At the time that he asked me to (almost a year ago) I was still very involved with OM. It ended on its own -- which probably is better. <p>I truly appreciate the comments because its really made me see where I am in this process.

Lexxxy,<p>I want to respond to your letter at length so bad, but I don't have the time to right now.<p>But super quick I'll tell you that I agree you should make the intent of your letter very clear to your H, and place it at the beginning. <p>I'll try and write more later this eve.<p>BTW: Your effort in communicating your feelings to your H is something most BS would love to get from their WS. Even if it is radically honest. <p>You did good, Girl!<p>Lv,
Jo

Lexxy,<p>RE: I truly appreciate the comments because its really made me see where I am in this process.<p>Glad it was of some help. What have to come to realize? Where are you in this process?<p>I still think that the letter is a good idea. Communiation is so important no matter the direction your marriage takes.

Zorweb --
After reading your version of the letter and Tryings comments, I realize that my version is just a bad idea.<p>I can't write the kind of letter that you did. I can't make the commitments or promises or give him the comfort he needs. (guess my Taker is still in control....sigh)<p>I'm not going to selfishly send him a letter that doesn't do him any good. And I'm not going to lie or hold out false hope to him either. I think the consensus here has been that I have a plan before I try to express myself.<p>Just so you all know -- I'm not online much over the weekend (big LB to be online) -- but I'll try to keep up with this!

BTW -- Trying2 <p>The reason I was speaking specifically about friends and family was because of invitations and family functions that came up over the holidays.<p>H was disappointed on several occasions by me saying that I didn't want to go out for dinner with his friends -- and I didn't go to Thanksgiving etc with his family. His mom has always been critical of me, but WOW is she going crazy with it now. So I wasn't trying to say that I don't care -- but simply that I've become accepting.

Lexxy,<p>I'll be looking for your comments. This is good that you are thinking things through. <p>You know, my H has given me the kinds of assurances I suggested to you. In return I offer him the same opennes. It goes both ways. Because of his affairs, if he had refused to do these things after a brief time (day or two) to think about it, I would have asked him to leave. I could not have lived with him for a moment longer. No Plan A, no Plan B... but directly to Plan D. <p>If he ever closes up again and stops the radical honesty and openness, I will go to Plan D. I could not live with the uncertainty.<p>I am curious why you feel that you cannot, will not, let him access to your cell phone and your computer activity. I am not accusing you, but it does appear that you are hiding things from him. <p>What are you hiding? If you are hiding nothing, then what are you protecting? If you are protecting your privacy, why do you need privacy from your husband? <p>It seems to me, that if you cannot do these things, then you are definately fence sitting. You have one foot on the north side of the fense. You are at home and things were going well.. What ever that means. What does it mean when you said that things were going well but you do not want the marriage? It seems that they were going well until he started to need some reasurance. <p>Your othe foot is on the south side of the fence. You want distance from your H. You do not trust him. He is the enemy. You want to be away from him.<p>It seems that your being with him is hard on both of you. Why do you stay there? What are you getting out of it? Why don't you leave and be on your own? Would not that be more healthy for you? Would that no be kinder for your husband?<p>When I hear of a person doing this type of fence sitting (WS or not) I sometimes think that they cannot let go of the relationship because deep down inside they need/want it. But they are so angry at the other spouse that they extract retribution by being cold and distant. Just wondering if this is the case.<p>I don't think I could stay one day with a person who I felt about he way you say you feel about your H. Why are you still there?<p>Just curious and trying to provoke thought.

Lexx,<p> Do you think your H would be open to talking to another man who is in pretty much the same mental state as he? <p> I am battling the same demons that plague him as far as the anger goes. I know what it is doing to my chances of giving W hope. I understand the triggers, because I live with them as well. I know the rollercoaster probably better than most here. One day I am happy the next I am moody and sad, the next I am so angry I scare even myself.<p> I would like to email your H and you as well. You sound an awful lot like my W lately as far as where you are at in the marriage. Perhaps I can get help from you and H as well as perhaps help your H understand how close he is getting to losing his family for good, due to his own anguish. That is what he is in Lexx, anguish. I know you are as well.<p> Anyway, just a thought.<p> jd

JD -- thanks for the offer -- it really touched me. I'll give it some thought.<p>Zorweb -- you're really hitting on some things for me. When I think about how I'm feeling and some of the actions I'm taking, I think some of it might be vindictive. I'm getting so tired of us always having to hash out MY indescretions. Its feeling so one-sided and unfair. He was a real jerk for a lot of years. When are we gonna talk about THAT? Why is it always gotta be about me? And perhaps some of it is that I don't trust him. (strange to hear a WS talk about lack of trust huh?) But in this case I mean that I don't think the changes he needed to make are permanent or sufficient. I just don't want to get sucked back into that relationship. <p>Back in my letter, I think I hit on some of the issues -- there was never an "us". And its really really really difficult to try to create it when I don't feel "in-love" with him. I know the MB principals say that it will come back. And I'm waiting, but its not happening, not even a glimmer.<p>So why I have I stayed this long? Because most of the time its not horrible. Most of the time we can co-parent and function decently. There's no compelling reason to leave (no OM to start a new life with) The biggest reason is my babies. My little one saying he'll be real mad at me if we get divorced. My D saying she doesn't even want Christmas to come cuz she knows as soon as its over that we'll divorce. Stuff like that. Plus financially we're doing well on paying off debt etc. And I've been waiting to see if I begin to feel more comfortable around him to see if I still feel anything of what I once did.<p>I'm just sad.<p>One other thought -- this is so hard, because I feel like I'm reaching a point of ending this marriage because I can't continue to be unfair to him -- and yet I know thats not what he wants. I know exactly what it is that he does want, but thats not what I want. So how do you resolve all of this? Am I supposed to divorce him to stop being unfair to him? Even if thats not what he wants? I'm tired of living my life being the bad guy all the time. I'm the bad one cuz I had the affair, I'm the bad one cuz I won't let things be fixed, I'm the bad one cuz I won't talk about it. I feel like just walking away so I can be left alone.<p>[ January 05, 2002: Message edited by: Lexxxy ]</p>

Lexx,<p> Anytime. My email is in my sig line. Stay strong Lexx. For the kids if for no other reason. I know even that is hard a lot of the time. <p> jd