Can I make my H leave?

Cali,
what did he do?<p>[ January 05, 2002: Message edited by: trustntruth ]</p>

I got it... thanks trustntruth<p>Just phone calls to her...we have been intimate 3-4 X per week... I thought...well you know...<p>I just don't want HER in my life anymore and if he's here...so is she.<p>Cali

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Cali:
<strong>Can I make my H leave?</strong><hr></blockquote>
Any more detail ?. If you LB'ed to the zilt and make his life miserable at home, he might. Otherwise you can't do that. If you could prove that your life or child is in danger or prove there is an abuse, you can. You have to get attorney to draft the letter and file it w/ police.<p>What gives ?. Calm down ....

How often is he talking to her? Remember, you have a short fuse so please don't do anything while that fuse is lit, okay?<p>((((Cali)))))

I love him so much...he doesn't want me...I'm just tired of fighting of hoping of dreaming....<p>Tired of everything feeling normal...then BAMMM evidence of contact...<p>Friday, I put a note in his planner...just a post-it that said "I luv U!" He said..."Why are you going in my stuff?" which launched us into a discussion...then he actually said "Don't start thinking that there has been contact either..." I'm like...where did this come from...didn't even cross my mind...GUESS WHAT! 'cause there had been...he had just come in from the car where he had called her and left her a message...hence her calling him and leaving the "I'll wait for you forever" message that I found today...<p>I asked him to go. He said I had to leave. He won't. This is the third or fourth time. Something has snapped this time...I want him to go...just go...choose me later if he will...but I can't do this anymore...I can't make love to him and cook his meals...wash his clothes...take care of him...be a wife and be treated this way...NOTHING I DID IN OUR PAST deserves this...NOTHING.

Hi Cali,<p>Don't know if you are into PLANS, but Harley says without following a Plan you can't truly recover. What's your Plan?<p>About the continued contact, I think as you and H become more connected and closer he may fear it's authenticity, and thus worry he may get burned again. His continued contact is to ensure Princess is waiting in the sidelines in the event things don't pan out. She's a fall back plan.<p>I'm sorry for the discovery, Cali. But I don't think it means things and feelings between you and H aren't genuine.<p>Jo

Something else, Cali.<p>You sig line:<p>Live Impeccably In Your Word.
Don't Take Anything Personally.
Make No Assumptions.
Do Your Best Always.<p>I can imagine, and rightfully so, you also have these expectations for your H. He WILL fall short until he is fully committed to the marriage. <p>Jo

I've been plan A'ing my butt off...<p>H says he knows I've changed he just doesn't care anymore...why did he have to sin...become STUPID...have an affair for me to change...<p>God, I HATE that...I'd give anything to know then what I know now...but I didn't...<p>so I lose my family...my dream because of it? he can't forgive me?

Cali,
He has said he wants to work on marriage, and is home, and claims there is no contact with OW. He KNOWS how it makes you feel to be lied to. I guess he isn't really committed to recovery.<p>BUT this is something that has to be "chipped" away at - rather than using a sledge hammer. <p>Cali, if you know you are going to lovebust, then go for a walk or something. Get yourself under total control, and let's plan. I know, the temptation to lovebust when you are in shock and when you are so hurt is so easy. But, slow down - because this is sort of a test for husband - to see if those changes have been made in you. Right, he failed his test, we can expect that - but Cali, please hold on, and T H I N K!!!<p>You are correct, it is wrong! Just have to be the one in control, right now!<p>(((Cali)))
TNT

Cali,
No one deserve it !. Again what is your plan A ?, did he already acknowledge your changes ?. I would of make a plan to move out. Look around your choice and plan up for plan B. For now, let it go. I know it is hard and hurt but let it go this time.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Cali:
<strong>I've been plan A'ing my butt off...<p>H says he knows I've changed he just doesn't care anymore...why did he have to sin...become STUPID...have an affair for me to change...<p>God, I HATE that...I'd give anything to know then what I know now...but I didn't...<p>so I lose my family...my dream because of it? he can't forgive me?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I know this hurts, but don't make the mistake of going backward, you HAVE changed ... that's what's important. And he sees it too.<p>Do you think this is a test to see how you'll react? If so, don't you want to pass? LBing gets you a BIG FAT "F". Regardless if you want him to leave or not, LBs won't help, LBs will confirm his suspicions that you haven't changed.<p>Jo

Cali,<p>TnT is right on! Please get your emotions in check and THINK. Don't react, one nasty 'ol LB and all of your Plan A efforts are for not.<p>Jo

I don't think I've LB'd too badly...<p>cried...didn't yell...calmly told him what I did..
what I found...that I called Princess...<p>Asked him to leave...said I refused to take responsibility for his affair...I have copped to helping to make the environment...but that he did all on his own...his decision...<p>said I dragged him into marriage so I should be the one to go...I said bull-pucky...he was a grown adult...I didn't control him then and I don't control him now...<p>Then I asked him why he couldn't forgive me....for all the stuff he has said I have done in our marriage...no answer...

Cali....oh my dear Cali,<p>Man the similarities are scary..... listen hon, I am going to take a slightly different view from the rest. Why? Because what your H is doing is highly manipulating and disrespectful. The others are asking you to continue to be respectful but the playing field is not level here. Now remember what I say I just my opinion. If you choose to read this read it and weigh it against how you are feeling and need to feel along with the good comments from the rest of the gang here. K?<p>Here goes: My take on this is that your H is pulling the 'you are too controlling and don't touch my stuff crap'. Are you? No more than you should be. <p>After a few of those lines from H, I told him. No problem just to make sure I "don't control you or touch your stuff, let's take it out where I won't be 'tempted to touch it'". MOVE OUT H!. He cried that he did not have any place to go. Then he found his rented room. <p>Your H takes a slightly different spin. He wants you to move out. Ok, howz about this? <p>Option 1:
Call his mom or nearby relative, tell them you need your H to move out ASAP. You are feeling threatened because he keeps accusing you of 'touching his stuff' and yep you keep doing it because it keeps getting in the way. Whatever reasonable reason..... Can you bring his things over there so you don't touch them anymore?<p>You are not moving him out. Make sure you put 'gloves on' or get help to move his stuff out. <p>Option 2:
You move out, take the kids and move out. Not recommended but when you do you may need to consider filing charges since he has scared you by saying about the controlling thing and not to touch his stuff. <p>Listen Cali, the police dept heard my H say the same things. The officer came in and told me that H was feeding me a line of crap. I was not to tolerate it. This is no longer a plan A item. This is a plan Safety item. <p>I had to learn to babble back real quick when this happened to me in July. He said don't touch me stuff, I said ok then proceeded in my method to make sure that I fullfilled his request. This p1ssed him off to no end but that's ok since I was fulfilling his request. I reminded him it was his idea. Yes it made him mad but now he was mad that I was using his idea and words against him. More babble and fog stuff. Very harsh, maybe anti Harley suggestions here but very much tough love. <p>I had to do this for my santity and protection. <p>If you need to talk, send me your e-mail addr and I will send you my #. I am at work. If my suggestions are just too way out there, don't worry, I understand. <p>Cali, you & I have been paralleling each other for many months. I just got a jump start on all this garbage and you know the OW and I don't. There are some differences but when it comes to the H's there are many similarities. Oh yea, except your MIL may have been better but mine is working on it!!<p>Take care, I can see you are at a stressful time. <p>L.<p>[ January 05, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Cali,<p> This is BullSh*t. You don't have to be forgiven for anything. So you lost your cool at times in your marriage. WTF, didn't he at times as well? <p> Why isn't he making the changes you are making? Because that would entail too much work on his part. My wife said an interesting thing to me not long ago, she said "why can't you accept me as I am now?" Say WHAT? The more I think about this statement the more I realize that she has no intention of making many, if any, changes in herself.<p> Just one more way for them to blame us for what they have become. One more way for them to try placing ALL the blame for the state of the M on us. One more way for them to try and keep their cake. <p> Cali, I say that if he won't leave and you are sure it is what you need, then you take the kids and go. Believe me I know how hard that is. Almost impossible. But.....<p> Anyway, keep posting here.<p> jd

thanks Orchid...I am planning the "how to separate" discussion...he does have family near...that is true...<p>there is no fear that he would hurt me...he doesn't want me touching his stuff...but there wasn't any violent anger...haven't seen violent anger since this summer...<p>he just wants us to ... i don't know be in the same house...co-parent and he lead his own life...<p>I'm gonna mull this all over and over and over...and try to refrain from calling Princess's H and family and letting them know what a lying tramp she is...(Yeah, I can do it...promise).

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Cali:
<strong>I don't think I've LB'd too badly...<p>cried...didn't yell...calmly told him what I did..
what I found...that I called Princess...<p>Asked him to leave...said I refused to take responsibility for his affair...I have copped to helping to make the environment...but that he did all on his own...his decision...<p>said I dragged him into marriage so I should be the one to go...I said bull-pucky...he was a grown adult...I didn't control him then and I don't control him now...<p>Then I asked him why he couldn't forgive me....for all the stuff he has said I have done in our marriage...no answer...</strong><hr></blockquote><p>You're right, you didn't LB too bad.<p>But, calling Princess is an LB, without a doubt.<p>The rest of what you said was valid and simply stating your boundaries. And you did it in a respectful way.<p>Very right, you didn't back then and do not now control ANYTHING he does or says. He's an adult and makes his decisions and should start becoming accountable for them.<p>Seems you two always veer back to the same discussion, who's responsible for you two being married.<p>He uses this as a trigger, Cali. Can't you see that. He brings it up because he knows how much it bothers you, and when he needs ammunition for his behavior (continued contact) he pulls it outta his pocket. He uses what works.<p>Jo<p>[ January 05, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

and everytime he does it...more love drains outta the old lovebank...<p>about the my leaving part...I also said I wasn't leaving 'cause I wasn't gonna pay him anything (support)...if he wanted a new life, he could finance it himself...that was pretty bad,eh?

<"he just wants us to ... i don't know be in the same house...co-parent and he lead his own life..."><p>The Moose Brain Worms have really done some damage I think [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p><"I'm gonna mull this all over and over and over...and try to refrain from calling Princess's H and family and letting them know what a lying tramp she is...(Yeah, I can do it...promise)."><p>How come? Isn't her family entitled to know of contact too? It's not like they didn't know about it. But- given their mentality I can see why you wouldn't care to call them.<p>I posted a link to divorce online info for you In Recovery- I followed it a bit and found this bulletin board too http://www.adrr.com/cgi-bin/law2/Ultimate.cgi?action=intro<p>You might want to ask the divorced/divorcing board here too if anyone here knows. Call a lawyer, usually they will help you with a simple question free.<p>I'm not going to say what you shoulddo, I doubt you would do it if you didn't want to anyhow- not that that's not good. But I am here to support your decisions. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] (God knows I don't blame you for not wanting to accept your conditions.)