The 6 stages Jim Conway lists are:<p>1. Denial-When MLCer denies the idea or notion that he's getting older.<p>2. Anger-MLCer realizes he's getting older and sees he is no longer young.
He basically feels it's unfair. Everything becomes a target. He uses people near him as convenient scapegoats for punishment.<p>3.Replay-The "one more time" syndrome. Fantasies about dreams from his past that have not been realized, regressing.Affairs, motorcycles,
cars, new clothing stage.<p>4.Depression-MLCer realizes he's older and the "one more time" doesn't always help. He begins to imagine pains in his body,he feels more like he's
moving towards death.<p>5.Withdrawal-Depression and withdrawal can happen at the same time.
This stage can last one month thru one year. MLCer can develop the I don't want to see or talk to you anymore attitude, get very involved and withdraw into his work,disassociate with friends. Won't talk with spouse, wants to run away.<p>6.Acceptance-This is when MLCer comes out of it. It actually sounds like a good stage, but it's a gradual coming out.<p>Conway says MLCer can move in and out of these stages, regress and move forward.
The withdrawal stage is definitely the pit, the deepest part. ( www.midlife.com )<p>[ March 10, 2002: Message edited by: Cali ]</p>

MLC means that you are half-way through life, right? I'll wait until I am about 60 or so to have one then. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] LOL! lhs...<p>you know... my H sowed much wild oats before marriage... I have been super responsible all my life... I used to think I would be the one vulnerable to MLC... <p>Cali

Cali,<p>Interesting list. Hmmm... been spending lot's of time on classmates.com. One more time stuff?<p>Jeffers

jeffers!!! <p>I've been wondering where you were...<p>I hope your holidays were restful and stress-free...<p>Cali

jeffers,<p>go look at Estes poll and see where a lot of the trouble started for them.<p>I like this thread and will post more later as my WH is BIG TIME IN MLC!!!!!!! The red sports car would've been cheaper and less troublesome!!!<p>Dawn
til later

It is so hard to watch the one you love go through this. It's hard to put your finger on exactly what is wrong, there are so many.<p>Definately does not want to hear my thoughts or anyone elses on the matter, tried getting him to a counselor, but he doesn't have a problem, he wants out of M and after 20 years I am to just let go and say thanks!<p>Can't understand why his family is not supporting him and the OW. But he doesn't care, has told me this at least 3 times. (Think deep down it bothers him?)<p>HIs kids made comment on his MLC. I've told this one before but makes me laugh as to how perceptive kids really are. D's BF had made a comment about his dad buying a red sports car, and my D says I wish my dad had been that smart!!<p>I try really hard to remember that an MLC is similiar to a disease, an addiction perhaps and he needs my love and support to help him get through it. Wonder somedays if I will get through it!!<p>WH is right on schedule of MLC, turned 40 3rd week of Dec and in 5 weeks of B day is claiming to have never loved me and his soulmate has been waiting for him all this time.<p>This is a site that I have found helpful and I would like to share it.
http://128.121.203.65/hismidlifecrisis.html<p>Dawn

I read this thread with interest bcuz I think it relates to where my W is.<p>Even tho she is only 35 (soon to be 36) it seems like she could be going thru some sort of MLC or, as some call it, mid-life challenge.<p>She says she is at a real crossroads in her life (her words) and that she doesn't even understand what she is doing so how could I? (again her words)<p>I have talked to our MC about this in my IC sessions and she tends to agree that this has some real MLC look to it. <p>Two things---<p>1. My W is totally opposed to believing this is a MLC. Doesn't even want to hear about those words. Is that normal you think?<p>2. There is a lot written about men and MLC (the red sports car stuff etc.) Not so much about women. What about women going thru it? Is it the same for them? <p>3. (OK more than two things) We have no children and W has been ambivalent about that for years---She really likes kids but has little tolerance/patience for them (if that makes sense...) Do you think not having children can add to the MLC thing?<p>Sorry to ramble but this kind of struck home for me...<p>E

thanks for sharing dawn... yeah, a red sports car probably would have been cheaper and easier in the long run...<p>Good to hear from you Elad... Jim and Sally Conway have written books about Midlife crisis and I think they have one specifically for women...<p>http://www.midlife.com/sotd.cgi<p>I've also been going to the divorcebusting website... they have a forum specifically for midlife crisis... it has been eerie reading the threads about what others have been through...<p>TEST... Are you in midlife crisis...<p>http://www.midlife.com/html/test1.html<p>Cali<p>[ January 11, 2002: Message edited by: Cali ]</p>

Cali,<p>I took a sabbatical from MB over break. This place consumes me a little too much sometimes. I figured that it would be easier to be with my family if my mind wasn't elsewhere. I logged on every few days to 'catch up', so I'm still aware of what's going on with everyone. <p>Took a real break from lot's of things, so had little stress. Tried to take a break from expectations and that helped. Got Susan Page's book... working through that now.<p>The break wasn't entirely emotion free. Our 20 yo cat died in her sleep early Christmas morning, next to us on our bed. We had found out about 2 weeks previously that she had pancreatic cancer and we decided that she deserved all the time God was willing to give her. The last two weeks were very peaceful, she slept most of the time but would purr whenever anyone came in to see her. We were all able to say goodbye.<p>
daybreak,<p>Yes, I did see Estes post. I intend to be one of those people who only wonders and proceeds no further, but I know that's what everyone probably says. <p>I have been feeling intense waves of nostalgia lately. Wanting to talk to people I grew up with... they may understand me in ways my W doesn't. Wanting to see what life has dealt them and how they feel about it. <p>It's a Siren's song, the pull is very strong, but I know what the Siren does to those who listen. What was that trick Odysseus used???<p>I was looking at Cali's list again and I find it hard to point at a number and say 'I've been through that one'. I think it is much more elusive and jumbled, at least to me as the active player. I feel adrift, although I'm not sure I can be specific about what that means. I'm sure that is one reason for my nostalgia- I'm looking for something to grab onto. Lately, I haven't felt quite as 'adrift', but I can't explain that either.<p>That's part of the reason why I stepped back from MB a little - I need to spend more of my time doing the stuff I need to do. Maybe the why will eventually come to me. Spending my time thinking seems to just spin me in circles. ...maybe I just need to get a new car... hmmm... maybe a red sports car.<p>Jeffers

Cali, daybreak:<p>Those are good links. I've seen them before - but bookmarked them this time.<p>Took the test... lot's of stuff to read in the 12+ category. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jeffers

[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ...<p>I'm glad you used the link jeffers... I specifically had you in mind for the test [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I totally understand about the sabbatical thing... I was actually 'gone' for several days at a time... didn't even lurk... but by the second week it was more difficult... started to lurk and post occasionally... then when I found contact...<p>I am going to do this periodically... I also foundit refreshing just to 'deal' with home... I felt so NORMAL during the week of Christmas... <p>Cali

Cali--<p>Thanks<p>I have read some of that stuff beofre and I took the quiz from my wife's point of view. That is answered the questions as best i could based on what she has told me over the past year and her behavior. Whiel I spose that means guessing, it is still informed guessing so that must count for something.<p>Anyway---it puts her in the 11-12 range, which could certainly indicate some sort of MLC....<p>So whydoyas'pose she is so adamant about not buying into the possibilty that she is going thru some sort of MLC? <p>E

As my H so eloquently puts it...<p>I don't think that they want to believe...<p>"that it is some f****** phase."<p>What I have read bears this out... I think this is especially true if an affair has resulted... who would want to think they have hurt their loved ones because they were 'unaware' and 'uninformed' of a normal stage of development?<p>Plus...I kinda remember adolescence... especially college aged... so full of myself... had all the answers... you couldn't have told me then that I would look back on myself and think I was full of it... that I really didn't know everything... <p>I think all we can do is be loving, supportive, caring and pray like h*** that our spouses seek and find the answers for which they are looking... but we also have to prepare ourselves for the fact that it may take a long time... and we may not be part of their answer...<p>I do believe that we can rely on God for our support and that we must hold on to the fact that HE can do the impossible.<p>Cali

Yeah, Cali she has asked me if I think she is just going thru a phase and if that's why I can remain as patient as I have been.<p>I don't really have an answer for the phase question for her, 'cause I don't really know if it is a phase.<p>But i am sure you're right that they don't want it to be a phase, and yeah I can recall thinking knew it all, too. The problem with that is I was so clueless I didn't even know what I didn't know...you know? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>When she asked how I could be so patient, I just kind of recalled the Biblical line:<p>Love is patient and kind; <p>She didn't say much after that...<p>So, yeah---loving, supportive and caring---that's us....praying too... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take care <p>E

The thing that always comes to my mind is that scene in "Moonstruck" where Cher has the line: "Snap out of it!"<p>I keep thinking, why can't it be that easy? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Because it's a stage in life... not necessarily a phase of life..<p>I think if it was a 'phase' you could 'snap' out of it [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>What I wish is that those in 'confusion' would take the time to figure out what's going on with themselves WITHOUT BREAKING UP or LEAVING FAMILY... that's the part I don't get.

Sigh.<p>The feeling that I can't seem to shake is a sense of impending doom that this house of cards that is my life is going to come crashing down around me. Sometimes I do want to run away and hide until everything falls apart and only then come out and see what's left.<p>The reason I don't (a guess) is that there's no one out there enticing me to leave, and also no one behind making it difficult for me to stay. I'm unwilling to say that it's because I've got stronger morals than others, too many stories here suggest that's no protection. Just gonna have to dig my fingernails in and hold on.

daybreak,<p>I went back and read the replies to Estes post again. My original thought (for using classmates.com) was to find out about upcoming reunions - I haven't been to any yet (just missed 25). I tried to picture what it would be like to bring W to one and realized it could be very uncomfortable for her. <p>Very sobering to read those stories. I think I'll take reunions off my to-do list.<p>Jeffers

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Cali:
<strong>The 6 stages Jim Conway lists are:<p></strong><hr></blockquote><p> My H fit every single one of those stages to a tee during his A! Textbook case I guess.