Last night, while discussing whether or not we were going to stay married, I confessed to my husband that I had cheated on him. I didn't get into the details of the affair(s), I just told him that I had cheated. I was crushed by his reaction. Reality hit at how much my actions had hurt him.
Some background info: I am 33 yrs old. My H is 36. We have been living together for 16 years, married for 13 of those years. We have 4 children, 3 boys 9, 8, 3, and a dau 2.
About 6 years ago, I started cheating on our marriage. We had gotten to a point where we weren't talking at all, we stopped having sex, We were basically room mates who shared 2 kids at the time. My emotional needs weren't being met, and at the time, I didn't realize that was the problem. (or one of them anyway).
There was a lot going on in my life at the time, new job change (forced--taken over by another company. I had also been diagnosed with early stages of cervical cancer and was going thru treatments. My H didn't realize the effect the job change had on me. I felt I had lost part of my family in the changes. He wasn't sympathetic. I was also hurt by comments he made when I first found out about the cancer. We were discussing the cancer and treatments and ended up afterwards having sex. He stopped in the middle of sex and asked me if it was contagious. I was devastated.
We started going our separate ways from there, there was no communication anymore. He stopped being affectionate. He only touched me when he wanted sex. I began to resent him for that. I ended up having 5 sexual encounters with men from work over the course of 6 months. I term them sexual encounters instead of affairs because they weren't ongoing affairs..they were one nite stands that met an emotional need to feel desired, wanted, and to receive affection.
I felt so much guilt it became difficult to even be around my husband. I found counsel with another friend (male) from work, who talked me into going to church and put me on the path to restoring my marriage. It worked until this past year.
Some core issues were never dealt with. We still had a communication problem...we never communicated unless it was something to do with the kids. He still wasn't affectionate unless he wanted sex. We NEVER spent time alone away from the kids. I began to feel miserable again. I despised having sex with him because he started to make me feel used. I'd only get affection if I slept with him.
I ended up sleeping w/ 4 men over the course of last year. (3 that I remember--one was during a binge drinking party- no recollection). They fulfilled all the needs I wasn't getting filled at home. I felt worse with each encounter though. I find myself constantly wanting to be away from my family and my husband, I have no desire to do anything around the house, or spend time with him. I've turned to alcohol on several occassions--Work parties where I binge drink to the point of passing out. I have been suicidal in the past, and that also concerns me.
I couldnt live with the way things were anymore, so 3 weeks ago, I told my husband I wanted out. We argued, but nothing came of it. Other than it has been very "cold" and quiet. Last nite, he finally asked me what we were going to do. I told him "I don't know". He told me he wanted to fix our marriage, he wanted to work on it. He didn't want to get divorced. I told him if that was really the case, and we were going to start over..he needed to know the truth. I couldnt live with my guilt anymore. I confessed to cheating.
I only told him I cheated..I'm assuming he thinks it was only once. I didn't tell him how many times over the past 7 yrs. He was devastated. I told him I would understand if he wanted me to leave.
He told me he wanted to work things out..and that is where I stand now...but do I tell him all of it or leave it at this? I know I need counseling for my other issues with alcohol and depression. I want my marriage to work. I dont want my kids to have to grow up in a divorced family. I apologized to my husband for what I did. I can only pray that he will be able to find it in his heart to forgive me. I know this road will be a difficult one, I'm just not sure where to start. I'm overwhelmed.<p>[ January 10, 2002: Message edited by: Conky4 ]</p>

It sounds like there is real hope for your marriage. I would suggest strongly that you tell him the whole truth. The chances are pretty great that he will eventually find out the truth anyway.
The foundation of your marriage must be based on honesty. I believe that you both should be checked for STD's since you are a prime candidate. Hopefully everything will be find. I suggest that you both go into counseling for your marriage
and your drinking and depression.
You have done the right thing by being somewhat honest with your husband and he has chosen to be with you. I would be surprised if he
does not eventually ask who and how many times anyway. I would sit down tonight and put all of the cards on the table. My guess is that he will still wish to work on the marriage and you will not have to fear him finding out something down the road. I wish you luck.
your husband

Conky4,
Welcome to MB. We are here try to save our M. Please follow the links on my signatures and educate yourself about MB, learn about EN, LB, LB$, how A should end and read some other posts too. There are a lot of material to read. You should also get or borrow from the library HNHN and SAA. You are right about the road to recovery is hard, it is very narrow too . Follow SAA to the teeth and get conseling from MB or at least MC that practice MB. With 4 rules of recovery (or 4 gifts of love), Care, Protection, Time and Honesty, the fullfiling M is possible. Protect your weakness if possible. Move company if you have to to start over new.<p>Good Luck.<p>[ January 10, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Conky - you have taken the biggest step already. You are welcome here and will be treated with compassion and respect - as you have now begun to treat yourself and your H. We know you feel miserable right now, but we also know how your H feels. If you want to work on your marriage, show him first by validating his feelings.<p>Tell him about us. I'm one of many guys here who will help him right away.
Find a counselor as soon as possible and read here and ask questions.<p>Because of your humbleness, you have a excellent chance of not only restoring your marriage, but creating one beyond your wildest expectations.<p>Good luck,

Conky,<p>You have received good advice. I would like to add a third, fourth, whatever, to the suggestion that you be honest with your H. It will hurt him deeply, but it is like a boil if you lance it know it will heal. If you don't the infection is still there.<p>I know you don't see this now, but you will learn that your H's reactions during your marriage is a reflection of your reactions to him. If you are depressed and withdraw it is likely he did also. He may not have liked it any better than you and you can bet his needs weren't being met either.<p>If you do nothing else, be honest with your H, be
"radically honest" with him. You will be surprised how it helps him. <p>I do have one other question. Have you given any thought to your reputation with your company given all of the one night stands and drinking until passing out. This is going to help your prospects at work or at home.<p>So do get counseling, do talk with your H, and you have a good chance of having a better marriage than you have ever had.<p>Hang in there and <p>God Bless,<p>JL

Conky - you are already leaps and bounds ahead of most of us here. Since your H is able to forgive you and you want to work on the marriage you are alreay out of the starting gate.<p>Some of us of W's in affairs and won't stop even though we have told them how much we love them, forgive them and want to be with them forever.<p>Give it your best shot and see a marriage counselor to help you on the path to recovery.<p>DD

Conky, I agree with WAt and DDad, you have taken the biggest step in telling him why you are unhappy, you are no longer living a lie and you are steps ahead of us because yu want to work on your marriage as does your H. What you ask is a tough question, one onot oto be considered lightly, I think of Ann landers and I believe she would say he already knows what he needs to know, you cheated on him, the fact is you had an affair(s) and you looked for fulfillment. Telling him the extent, I fear would create obstacles that would be too hard to over come. If he doesn't ask how many I would leave it at that, I know I would take great solace if my WW wanted to work on our marriage after her PA and just the loving act that you would want to may be enough for him to move forward without the extensive details. I offer you prayers and thank you for your strenght to find this site and look for help. I only pray that my WW could do the same. You are a strong person so please hang in there and followthe advice of the many folks at this site in addition to seeing a MC for the 2 of you. Pat

I thank everyone for their comments and support. Things are very difficult right now. My husband came home from work early to discuss our problems and one of the first questions he asked was..Waa it only once? I hated answering him, knowing how much it would hurt him, but I had to be honest with him. I told him no. There were several. It kills me to see NOW how much he loved me, and to know how much I have hurt him. I don't know if he just needs time to take everything in, or if this is really it. But that one statement put him over the edge. He told me he couldnt deal with this added information. We needed to sit down and discuss our finances and start separating things. He wants a divorce. I told him I respected his feelings, because I don't honestly know what I would do if the roles were reversed. I wish I could have a do-over. But I can't. I made my bed...now I have to sleep in it. The decision is his to make. I just have to abide by whatever he decides.
I do still love him, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to save my family, I'm just afraid it is too little...and way too late. We did agree that no matter what happens between the two of us, the kids will always come first. They will not be used by either to hurt the other. I did not just cheat on my husband, I cheated on all of them. I can't express the pain that is in my heart at this reality. I can't stop crying, The knowledge that I caused all this pain is overwhelming. I can't believe I was this selfish. I sit here and all I can think is: God please forgive me, and please give my husband the strength to do the same..even though I don't deserve a second chance, I am asking for one.

I just wanted to clarify,..we didn't, in this last discussion, get into the "gory details" of my affair(s), the knowledge that it was just not a "one time mistake" I think is what sent him over the edge. I don't blame him. I'm willing to do whatever he wants from here, preferably to work on our marriage, but if that isn't possible for him, I have to accept that. I can't apologize enough to him, and I don't know what else I can say to ease his pain. I have to be honest. That is all I have left. I need help and counseling, for a gamut of problems..that all played into each other. I admit that and am willing to try and fix them.
In regards to the statements about my work and my reputation there, Yes, it has changed things. I've earned the reputation as a "partier". Understand that I am in Law Enforcement, and as disgusting as it may sound, it is almost "accepted behavior" (at least at our department) to have affairs. The drinking is also accepted. work hard...party hard.. I am in no way condoning what I have done, but with the job as stressful as it is, often times people turn to each other at work to deal with the stress, Instead of bringing it home and sharing it w/their spouses. The things we see/hear aren't understood by people who aren't in law enforcement. That right there has a lot to do with the divorce rate in this line of work. The fact that I work with upwards of 80 men a night under high stress situations, complicates this whole problem. My H knows it was someone from work that I cheated with. I don't know that he will be able to trust me to even go to work, if he decides to work on our marriage instead of end it.
All I can do is wait for him to tell me the next move. I don't know if I can do anything else or say anything else to help the situation. All I can do is give him his space and let him try and work thru his feelings. He feels very betrayed...and rightfully so. I don't know what else I can do.

Angling4Answers<p>I disagree that Conky4 does not need to tell him that it was more then one. I realize that she already has done this, but it's a point that bears discussion. If you look at my signature/short history you will see that my current H had multiple affairs, 10, in a very short time frame (2.5 years). My XH had multiple affairs over a 20 year relationship. <p>The reason I think it is important to tell all is that it is important that the entire nature of the affairs is known. Simply the fact that one cheats is often not enough knowledge to beat the problems. For example… in my current marriage the pattern of affairs looks more like a sexual addition issue. However, after talking to my H and all of the OW’en at length something else came to light. Instead of a sexual addition it appears that my new H was in need of an extraordinary amount of ego boosting after a rather devastating divorce. His XW left him for her OM. I appear that he and I got involved too soon after the divorce. He had not worked through many of the issues from his previous marriage. Sex was actually a very small part of all of his affairs. They mostly constituted hours and hours of chat and phone conversations. Now that we are aware of the issues, we can deal with them.<p>On the other hand my XH’s affairs went on for years. They were more the type of a single man dating. Going from one relationship to another. The basis for his affairs was simply that he believes that all men cheat and it’s his right as a man. As he never had a change to heart I left. He was unwilling to change… so I moved on.<p>Others here have found out that their spouse has a problem with sexual addiction. This is another issue and needs a different type of intervention.<p>It is imperative that the nature, number and duration of the affairs be disclosed. If a serial adulterer makes it sound like only one, one night stand. It is a very different issue then repeated one night stands over a long period. <p>Another reason is that if Conky4 does not tell her H, then there will forever be more secrets between them. True intimacy cannot be obtained when there are secrets of that magnitude. Also, there are people who know that she had these affairs. Her H may very well find out from some other source. If he does, and it did not come from her, he will feel doubly betrayed.<p>For example: My XH has only ever admitted to one affair. And even that one he minimalized into one or two cups of coffee on break. He swears he is telling the truth and that he has never cheated on me. But others have told me… that his car was always parked at a single woman’s home down the street from them (small town). This coincided with the nights we was supposedly on call at the hospital. A couple of other people at the hospital told me that he regularly asked women out on dates. Another ‘friend’ made a sort of bitter comment to my best friend about his adultery. This ‘friend’ was one of his OW’en who got angry when he dumped her. So you see, these things get out. They seep out.<p>Just MHO

Ummm, excuse me? You said;<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>There was a lot going on in my life at the time, new job change (forced--taken over by
another company.<hr></blockquote> <p> Perhaps I am ignorant of how things work in law enforcement, but...Can you explain how law enforcement can be taken over by another company? Cities, States, the Federal Government, etc OWN law enforcement. Which makes them property of the people. Not something, I would think, a company could take over. Can you explain this to me?<p> I would be happy to give my advice to your situation. But first I need clarification that you are who/what you claim to be.<p> Patiently Waiting Your Reply<p> jd

Conky4,<p>Go slowly with your H. Give him time and space. As I can attest he is in terrible pain… a roller coaster. His emotions will be up and down. Give him room when he needs it and hold him when he needs it. <p>I will share with you one of the most powerful things that my H did. When I found out about his affairs, I thought our relationship was over. The only reason I did not ask him to move out on d-day was because he was on travel part of the time so he was not here and because I did not have the emotional strength. But I knew in my heart of hearts that we were through.<p>But he stayed here and gave me the support I needed. He gave me space when I needed it. And he told me repeatedly that he caused the harm so it was his responsibility to help me heal. He answered my questions over and over until I had no more (that took 3.5 months of constant talking). He accepted my anger and pain. He also read the MB material and walked us through working it. As time went on I learned to trust my heart with him again. <p>You are doing the right thing. I hope it works out for both of you.

Dear JDMAC1..my apologies for not being clear. When I started out in Law Enforcement, I worked for a small city police department. Everyone that worked there was very close...family wise...we all knew each others spouses & kids etc...Often times spending vacations together. The city ended up contracting their law enforcement thru the County Sheriff's department due to budget problems. We in essence went from a 40 person dept. to a 3000 person dept. overnite..with all of our jobs being reassigned throughout the vast county.
I apologize for being vague.

C4,<p> Fair enough. <p> Well, my first reaction is to tell you to remove yourself from the place that allows easy acess to people capable of swaying you in the future. Yes, I am talking of the job. However, I know from experience that some WSes really don't really want to save their marriages that bad. <p> That would be my frist question to you though. Which you need to be ready for the same expectations from your husband. And many more.<p> You were shocked by your husbands initial reaction? Well, this early, you haven't seen anything yet. He will swing widely in his moods and in what he wants in the coming weeks. He won't know which end is up from which end is down. One minute he will be his old self and the next he will be a basket case. <p> My advice to you....GET YOUR HUSBAND TO THIS SITE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. There are many many people here who are going through exactly what he is right now. Yes, there are very many here for you as well. We come from all walks of life and countries. We all have as our main goal the restoration of marriages. Yours, mine, and everyone elses. Some of us cannot seem to recover our own marriages, so we try extra hard to be of some little help to others. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. But the comfort we each recieve from each other is one of the biggest healors you will ever find.<p> Please get your H to this site.<p> jd<p>[ January 11, 2002: Message edited by: jdmac1 ]</p>

Conky4,
My answer will have a slightly different slant. I have become more enlightened about many things than I ever intended to be, but I have to believe that there is some purpose for everything. <p>Someone shared a verse with me today. It's 2 Cor. 1:3-5 It seems kinda fitting:
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ." <p>You can read my posts and know that I'm not usually a scripture quoter (although there's nothing wrong with that [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ) , but I use that to preface what I think you may need to consider. <p>I think there's a very real possibility that you have a sexual addition. Zorweb referred to it in her post. I have lived it recently. I know the tendency is to think "not me", etc....<p>Patrick Carnes has written many books on the subject, referred to often on this site. He describes a SA as a "pathological relationship with a mood-altering experience." I would strongly recommend reading his book, "Out of the Shadows". If nothing else, maybe you can prove to yourself that this is NOT your problem. If it proves to apply to you, there are very clear avenues to help. Win/win situation. <p>I have to say that after reading many of his books, you fit the classic profile (although I'm basing that on the little bit of information that you've posted). <p>SAs stem from poor "core" beliefs, which lead to the addition cycle, which leads to depression and despair and then it starts all over again. All SAs refer to their relationships as "encounters" because they want no part of emotional attachment afterwards. <p>I may be way off base, but even if I'm wrong, my BEST advice would be to tell your husband everything. My marriage is over because my H had multiple affairs, but more specifically because he continued to lie and lie when our marriage was on the line. Your best, and perhaps only, shot is right NOW. If you really want your marriage, make the most of it. <p>Good luck,
AB<p>[ January 11, 2002: Message edited by: almostbroken ]</p>

I will certainly try to get my husband to this site. He isn't "into" computers as I am, and has even expressed his displeasure of the time I spend on the computer. Regardless if it is doing bills or catching up on email. I've printed up several of the questionaires to start pinpointing where our marriage started losing ground. It is all very early in the process right now, I understand that.
I have also considered leaving my job. Financially I don't know that we would be able to swing it..but the "we" is what is important. Don't get me wrong, my workplace isn't a haven for un-moral behavior. It just tends to happen, and it isn't looked down upon as it should be. The men from several years ago are no longer part of my life, I ended up transferring to the opposite end of the county to get away from it/them when I tried fixing my marriage several years ago. The men from this past year ARE men that I work with on occassion, however they are not out of my station. They were "drunk-sex". All of them occurred in situations where I was drinking, and they were there giving me the attention /affection I wanted so bad. The ironic thing about all of this is: I began to despise my husband for only touching me when he wanted sex, making me feel cheap. Yet each affair was exactly the same thing. Each man touched me, and gave me the affection and attention I needed so bad, in exchange for sex. These men meant NOTHING to me, there is/was no attachment other than fulfilling a need. I just don't understand how I got here. I always said ..never me...I would never let my marriage get so bad that I would cheat. Yet I did. and continued to do it even though it was eating at me from the inside. The longing for affection made it an addiction. Not only affection but conversation. I needed both. We've talked more in the past 24 hrs than we have in the past 3 years. I wish I could turn the clock back and had the guts to turn to HIM and tell him my needs, instead of being so damn proud that I didn't want to admit my part in our problems that I ended up turning to a stranger.
Thank you all for your prayers and advice.

Dear almostbroken,
You aren't the first to point out the possibility of some sort of addiction. I will be looking into the book you referred to. I told my husband tonite, that although he didn't meet my emotional needs in our marriage, which lead in part to me straying, That I held a majority of the blame for keeping him at a distance. I have other "core" issues that need to be dealt with, that regardless if we make it as a couple, I will be seeking counseling for those problems.
I noticed 2 yrs ago that I wasn't dealing with problems in my life..that one thing was leading to another..I put everything on a "back burner" in the hopes it would mend. And when it didn't, I'd seek out some form of "anesthesia" to mask the pain I was feeling. IE: a bout with Vicodin addiction, a continued abuse of alcohol (although I NEVER drank in front of my kids--they nor my husband has ever seen me drunk) and that lead to an endless cycle of severe depression.
I've traced alot of my feelings back to when my Mom died (I was 14). I never really dealt with it. What I did do was build walls. Her death crushed me emotionally, and I figured I would never let anyone close to my heart like that again. I never let my husband see all of me. And because I didn't, It was easier to not run to him when I thought we were heading for problems. I was too proud to let him in. I didn't want him to breech that wall.
When my mom died, it left a gaping whole in my heart. I needed love to fill that hole. I thought at 17 that if I had sex with a guy, he'd love me and fill that hole in my heart. I was wrong, but it took sleeping with several men before I realized that. It got to a point where the "sex meant nothing" it was the "affection, desire, and the feeling of being wanted--loved" that I needed and craved. At 14 is when I first turned to alcohol to mask my pain..from there I turned to drugs, then alcohol again. It's been a vicous cycle of pain, realization, addiction, depression...over and over again.
So when you mention a sexual addiction, I don't know if that is exactly accurate. I wouldn't hesitate to say that I have an addiction to affection and the feeling of being needed/loved. The sex involved in my encounters was in essence just a pay off for the stuff I really wanted..affection/desire/need. That person got what he wanted physically, and I got what I needed emotionally. That was how I rationalized it. I know my husband thinks that I also betrayed him by "loving" another man, that isn't the case. I have no feelings for any of them..or if at most just feelings of friendship. I have no desire to start a relationship with them. In the event my husband decides he CANT get past this and stay married to me, there isn't a man waiting in the wings ready to take his spot. I used them as much as they used me. All the while destroying what was left of my marriage. I say all of this out of honesty. Again,..I have nothing left but my honesty to keep me going. No more lies.
The one benefit I did take out of trying to fix my marriage 7 yrs ago, was a new found faith in God. HE is what gave me the strength to be open and honest with my husband last nite. And HE will help me thru this as well. No matter what the outcome, I know that HE will be by my side. I want my marriage to work, and am willing to do whatever needs to be done. This didn't happen overnite, and I dont expect it to be fixed overnite, if indeed it can be fixed. In the mean time, I am giving my husband space/time to think about whether or not our marriage is savable. It will take both of us to do it and a committment to really make an effort. I'm willing, just waiting to see if he is.

Conky4 ,<p>Conky4 said...." The longing for affection made it an addiction. Not only affection but conversation. I needed both."<p>In his books, Patrick Carnes, describes the root cause of SA to be just about exactly what you said here. SA is the use of sex to fill needs, to prove to one's self that they are loveable. I second the motion on your reading the book Out of the Shadows.

Dear Conky4,<p>You do have a problem with addiction. My H started AA last summer and since then WE both have learned alot about addictions. My H`s problem was with pot but he felt more comforatble going to AA. AA can help with all forms of addiction because the root causes of addiction are always the same as is the manner in which to get help and stop the addictions.<p>My H and I were under the mistaken impression that when someone had an addiction that the one drug of choice was the problem. That is not so. An addict can use many different things as a form of escape, sometimes only one addiction at a time but sometimes several different ones all at once.<p>These are some of the different addictions that we have learned about.<p>Alcohol
Pot
Overspending
Gambling
Overeating
Computer Use
Sex<p>All of the above can be "drugs"<p>These things can all be used as a sort of medication, a way to feel better or comforted about oneself even if only for a very short period of time. They can also be used to take oneself temporarily out of reality. <p>You do need some professional help. So does your H. As he has been living with you he also has a problem with your behaviour that needs to be addressed. Life with you has changed who HE is. Definitely. The good news is that AA is free. There are meeting everynight. Al-Anon for your H as well. <p>Please don`t make the same mistake as we did in thinking that in order to be an addict that one must be high everynight. Most addicts are not like that. Most of them have families and hold down jobs. The worst times for addicts is actually BETWEEN their use of drug of choice. It causes a serious loss of self esteem as well as a kind of desperation/longing for their next "fix"<p>You can be an addict and only have one drink/use of drug of choice a week, what makes an addict is the NEED for that one drink or addiction of choice. If something is used as an as escape or a kind of medication for life`s problem then there is an addiction. <p>There is help and hope for you and your H. The lightbulb moment came for me when I attended an AA meeting with my H. I sat there and listened to some of the AA members talk about their lives, how they felt about themeslves, the trouble addictions got them into and how they finally sought help. They mirrored my own experience with my H. You are not a bad person. You have had some terrible things happen to you that you didn`t know how to deal with. There is help for you if you will seek it out. You are not alone.

It's weird having other people point out my "addictions"...seeing it so clearly, when I had to have it pointed out to me. I admit I do have a problem and issues to deal with, but I never categorized it as a full on addiction.
The one person I did have sex with this last year, that I considered to be a "friend", was actually the first person to point out the problem. After our "encounter", he was very upset. He told me "that" NEVER should have happened, he respected my marriage and me, and it was a huge mistake. He called me 2 days later for a "heart to heart" where in he told me that he thought I had some issues I needed to deal with regarding alcohol, sex, and drugs. He told me he valued my friendship, and asked that I get help, but that SEX would not be an option for our friendship. He had witnessed my alcohol binge'ing first hand, when a mutual friend called him to come and get me from a party because I was too drunk to drive. He took care of me, held my head while I puked, and cleaned me up. All the while worried about my husband worrying about where I was. We did have sex on one occassion, and the weird thing is..I also felt it was wrong with him, more so than I did with the others. I don't know if it was because I DID have an emotional attachment to him as a friend or ???. Reading your posts on this subject, kinda hits it home that my problem was/is worse than I thought it was. I've admitted I had a problem, but I never really believed it was an addiction. I guess I need to re-evaluate. What everyone has pointed out--strangers at that--makes it really hit home. I did think that an addiction would entail a constant abuse of one specific "fix". Me, I kind of rotated fixes. But the need for a "fix" has always been there.
I had purchased a set of inspirational guiding tapes called "from rut to recovery", (supposed to be a private 12 step program like AA) purchased thru my church, after my friend had pointed out I may have a problem. But that was 2 months ago, and I have yet to listen to them..because I don't think I wanted to admit that I had an addiction. I'm slowly seeing the light here.
I have to admit, I'm scared as hell. The distinct possibility that my husband isn't going to want to go thru this with me, that he is "done" with my problems, scares me. He wasn't witness to most of this. I never drank in front of him, I never let him know how much vicodin I had taken, and until the other nite, he honestly did not know I was cheating. (My shift work allowed things to take place that he didn't know about, I work graveyards, so I don't see him 4 days out of the week at all. By the time I get home from work..he has left for work, and I'd leave to go to work before he got home. )
I know I deserve to lose everything for the pain that I have caused him. I have no right to ask for forgiveness. I just don't know what I can do to fix this. I mean, I don't think it's gonna sit well with him, for me to say,..oh sorry honey I know I just ripped your heart out, but guess what..its because I have an addiction problem..nothing personal ...really... Do I give up trying to save my marriage, and work on fixing myself first or do I try and do both? The thought of losing my kids is really unbearable.