and by the way....I think he's a real piece of crap to work on your mother that way.<p>at the very least, he should be MAN enough to accept the blame and SHAME of what he's done.<p>My marriage may not work, but I would NEVER try to blame H or go to HIS mother behind his back. UUUUGGGGHHHH.<p>
(wish I could transfer some of my anger and annoyance at your husband to you!!!! It would be a far more empowering emotion for you to have right now!!!)<p>[ January 14, 2002: Message edited by: Lexxxy ]</p>

Okay Lex, I told him that too...that he would never be leaving if it wasn't for her and he just blew up...said I was wrong, said I had given him no choice but to leave beause I didn't satisfy him...it's as if he's trying to ignore the OW and keep her out of it. As if she isn't the reason...has he lost it or have I?<p>Should I get the keys to the apartment and see what's there or should I leave it alone?

Hon -- you are dealing with a known liar.
How much of what he says are you going to believe?<p>Look -- he's being stupid here, but he also is trying to protect OW. He's trying soooo hard to make it look like she had nothing to do with the demise of your relationship. And I'd bet that he's doing that to protect whatever place he's saving for her in his life. So she can come in and not look like the bad evil woman.<p>I'd be careful about the apartment hon -- I think you would find much there that would hurt you.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Terrified:
<strong>why did he tell my mother that it wasn't because of the woman that he was leaving but that it was because of me??? It was because of all the things I didn't give him and she made him realize how easy it should have been and what he should have gotten from me. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Terri,
He told your mom all that crap because HE wouldn't want to have to admit HIS OWN mistakes, would he? C'mon! Don't fall for this, and your mother should have kicked him out of her house on his ear!<p>So SHE made him realize how "easy" it was....??? Oh, OK, so then WHY did he stay with you for 18 YEARS??? Is SHE goingf to be this "easy" for the next 18 years???? I doubt it. Don't you see that it's all LIES, and that's he's "playing" you - cause YOU FALL FOR IT!!! <p>Terri, please take all the good advice you are getting and DO NOT beg, plead, cry, nag, or contact him when you feel like this, or when he talks this way. Just LET HIM GO. It's the only thing that's going to change the view he has of you. He is showing NO respect for you right now. And that's not a good thing. It's making him treat you more and more badly, which only makes YOU feel badly about yourself, and on and on....and so the circle continues.<p>GET OFF THE RIDE. REFUSE to play this "game" with him. Just leave it alone. Leave HIM alone. You WILL feel better - OK, you'll feel both better AND worse, but WHAT, I ask you, could feel worse than THIS?!?! <p>And, to answer your last question: NO! DO NOT go to his apartment. What do you think you'll find there that you don't already know is there??? DO you think he has pictures of YOU all over the place??? NO!!! DO NOT GO THERE. DO NOT DO THAT TO YOURSELF.<p>Terri, WE ARE your friends. Maybe even more so than the people you can see and interact with in "3-D' becuase WE HAVE ALL BEEN THROUGH THIS IN ONE CAPACITY OR ANOTHER, and we know how all this feels. Please take the advice you have been given here today. Please believe we are all your friends, and want YOUR BEST for you and your future.<p>Love & Prayers,
Lupo

Hi Terri,<p>Have you started taking anti-deps yet, Hon? If you have, how long have you been on them? And if they are supposed to have already taken effect, I would call your doctor and request a higher dose or a different anti-dep, they aren't doing the job.<p>I suspect you're going to need all the help you can get, Terri. Your H isn't going to change right now, you need to get yourself strong. Take action to help yourself not only survive, but to fight back the MB way by taking care of yourself. No one can do it for you, you have to do it. <p>I'd say most of us here have had to pull ourselves up by the boot straps and make ourselves live another day, make ourselves get out of bed when it would be easier to hide there indefinitely, we've had to show our spouses that they did marry someone of character, conviction and strength, someone special ... and nows the time to show HIM, Terri. Show him what you're made of. <p>Do what you have to to get yourself strong. We're here and will help and support you, but make that first move. PLEASE!<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ January 14, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

T,<p>If take a step back and look at his actions over the last several months you will see that it has been all about protecting himself. He tries daily to put the blame on you. He knows that you will accept it because you are so desperate to repair your marriage. He didn't want anybody to know so that he wouldn't hav to face up to the people who are going to tell him the TRUTH about what he is doing. HE IS WRONG! Stop letting him wipe his feet all over you.
Get yourself some help. Give yourself a chance to be strong. I know you are worried about him not being there for your daughter but remember that children are very perceptive and she probably senses that you are not doing so well. You have to be strong for yourself and your daughter.
The stronger you get, the more appealing you look. He's a messed up guy right now. He can't deal with his own feelings let alone your desperation. Don't let him see that anymore. Lean on your friends. Get a little peace for yourself. Don't let him drag you down.<p>cleo

Terrified, today was not as good for me, I lb'd too, called my h and asked him why he can't come mow the yard, and fix my door, I sd if he could do a little more it would be fairer... he does not agree...<p>anyway./.... i need to go and read my wisewoman workbook, that is the one I got...<p>I really did not feel as strong today, when things go well, it is easier to be strong... when he treats me bad... it is harder... I think by not allowing the ws's to treat us bad... and creating boudaries... and sticking to our priorities... do not let them walk all over you while plan aing or plan anythinging... <p>Anyway.. the workbook is good, and really teaches you to grow strong in yourself... I know I am strong... it is just when I get tired, I want some help! <p>ANyway... hugs to you, you are growing everyday... this will benefit you through the pain.<p>HONEY

Also, wanted you to know it is all my fault according to my H, and everybody he knows has been told this and lots of my "in-laws" have bought it hook, line and sinker.... it is not your fault... it is his, and he does not want to take responsibility.. he will find every way he can to blame you.. don 't let him...also... you did help contribute to the atmosphere where the affair developed, but so did he.... he could of easily come to you and talked and worked on things instead of THIS bs! You will get through this,... he has lost his mind... remember that.<p>HUGS< honey

Lex, When do they stop lying??? If this relationship is so right, why the corruption, the dishonesty??? In order to close the door for me, should I go to the apartment even though I may hate what I find? Should I not see the reality for myself? Do I not have that right? He's still wearing our wedding band for god's sakes!!!<p>Lupo, Keep me going. Keep posting. I believe everything that you say. I just am finding it so hard to live it. Shake me. HELP ME. After 18 years, why is it so easy for him to throw it all away? I need to see what he's done in the apt. I need to know so that I can move on. I don't want to have to wonder anymore. I want to know if he's lying about the furniture (he says he hasn't bought anything except for the bed), if he's lying about the pictures (he said he has a picture of D only) and I want to see traces of her. I want so see for myself or else I will always hold on. <p>Oh God, this pain is unbearable. And you guys are the only ones that truly understand. <p>Jo, I tried taking Paxil. Knocked me out and made me non-functional. Talked to my doctor and she said minimum dose is 20 mg. Well, I'm now under 90 lbs. I can't function at work or at home. So I stopped after two tries. <p>Jo, Maybe he's right. Maybe he really has found better. Maybe I'm really not made of anything of substance. Maybe I'm not strong. Maybe I'm not worth it. <p>I just don't know anymore. I'm in a state of shock. Just help me.<p>Please.

Terrified,<p>I don't post much (hence the user name) but I've been reading your story and praying for you a lot. The others who have posted to you have given you great advice. You have the strength to do what they have suggested. Remember your daughter and the example you want to show her. <p>When my H had his affair he never took his ring off. That included when he and that girl did things I don't want to think about. I only know what you have said here about your H so I can only guess at his motivations. However...since he is following the wayward spouse's handbook to the letter, now is the time to concentrate on you and your D. <p>Do you have anything you can do that is just for you? Take a yoga class...sculpture...horseback riding? Anything that will get you out of the house and involved in *something* else besides thinking about your H. Somebody else made a really good suggestion that now is the time to gather your friends around you...ask them out to dinner, cook dinner for them, go to the movies, go bowling...again..anything to get you out with other people and away from the isolating shameful feelings that are so easy to fall into. <p>You have nothing to feel shameful about anyway!!! Sure you might not have been "The Perfect Wife" how many of us can realistically make that claim??? Your H made a *really* bad decision and now doesn't want to face the consequences. Well..tough. There is a life after all this...tomorrow the sun will come up. Just like it did today and yesterday. How you choose to respond to the circumstances is up to you. <p>When I found out about my H's PA, I spent a lot of time crying over what I lost but it wasn't until I conciously made the decision that I was going to be ok with or without him that things began to be better. I guess he saw that my attitude was different. That he wasn't going to get away with staying married and having his little piece of fluff to talk to over the 'net. It's been almost three years since no contact started and I have to say we are more *married* than we were before the A. It's not perfect but that just gives us something to strive for. <p>Terri, please don't let this man define who you are. Your daughter needs to see that you can survive just fine without him, even if you want him back with every fiber of your being. <p>I'll continue praying that the Lord's angels suround you and your daughter. Comforting you and helping you stay strong. That's how I survived my nightmare. I know you will survive yours.

Sing it LOUD, T:<p>"I Will Survive"<p>First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me<p>Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive<p>It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me<p>
Cali

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

Hi Terrified,<p>Hugz..... You my dear are not alone. Though you feel that you have been abandoned. Right?!?!? <p>Step back and breathe. In and out.... 2 more times. Feel a bit dizzy? Ok. Now relax. Clear your head, put your left arm over your right shoulder and your right arm over your left shoulder and squeeze. <p>That my dear is an MB cyber hug from all of us. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] A great MBer here shared that with me earlier last year and it works!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Now about the WS who has to go crying to other people. He is WIMP!!!! Ok, how do you deal with WIMPS!?!?!? You don't let them get the best of you. You don't give into the wimp. <p>It is ok to cry. I understand. So does everyone else here. Think about this. Is this the man you married? Or someone parading around in his skin but really with a different personality? Do you want this stranger character in your life? <p>Ok, if you don't, here goes my advice. Next time you get the nerve to speak with your H, no begging.....ok to cry but ask him to please go find your real H so you can talk to him and tell him you love him. I told that to my H while he was in a fit of anger. He calmed down and admitted he wanted to find the old H also. Hm....sent him on a mission. I let him leave the house (he already had moved out) to go find my real H. I felt better also. Because at that moment I brought out in the open that the man standing in front of me acting like a fool was not my H. <p>It really felt better and put the onis on the WS. Can you imagine if WS told the OW that his W wants the WS to go find her real H and that the WS was an impersonator? Wow!!!! <p>Well, that's my remedy. We need to get you out of that mode and yet we understand that you won't get out there until you are emotionally ready to move on. Not away just move on. On a path to take better care of T and her family. K? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take Care,
L.

My heartfelt thanks go out to all of you. I know all of you are right about what I must do. I just never believed that letting go, moving on, all of it, could ever be so painful. <p>That is why I feel pain, isn't it? Isn't it because I have to let go without looking back anymore? <p>Cali, I used to love that song...love dancing to it. Now, I have to believe in the lyrics. I have no choice.

My heartfelt thanks go out to all of you. I know all of you are right about what I must do. I just never believed that letting go, moving on, all of it, could ever be so painful. <p>That is why I feel pain, isn't it? Isn't it because I have to let go without looking back anymore? <p>Cali, I used to love that song...love dancing to it. Now, I have to believe in the lyrics. I have no choice.

Hi T, You will be OK... just do it one day at a time- one minute at a time... try putting one foot in front of the other and going out with friends, doing fun stuff, take your daughter somewhere she would like, etc... anything, except stay home for a few nights! It helps to get out and do stuff... last night I went to an alanon meeting... even if your h is not drinking, you can go to one.... they help you learn to take care of you... call alanon in your area... this may not be the best thing, but it is a good support group you can go to... (since your h is not a drinker, but he is addicted)- I think there are other meetings, like love addicts, sex addicts (i thought about going to the love addicts meeting myself... sinc e I felt addicted to this man... my H... the one I thought I would nev er lose).<p>YOu may even find out you deserve better! I know I am starting to think that some, the way my H is acting is ridiculous! rIGHT! i AM READY TO GO AND BUY A COPY OF i WILL SURVIVE- TOO CALI, THANKS FOR THE WORDS!<p>Anyway, I have to wake my 3 yr. old and take my 9 yr old to school-- I also have to go to work... so I will be going..<p>Oh, just had an idea... there are FUN gymnastic classes that your daughter and you can take together... like mommy and me classes... maybe that is something you can do with your daughter to get busy... or even just take up sewing, cooking, anything... to get busy! I don't know what , but there has to be something! fun to do!<p>HAve a better day today sweetie...!<p>HONEY

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Cali:<p>"I Will Survive"<p>First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me
<hr></blockquote><p>OMG! I had no idea that song said "back from outer space"!<p>Donna Summers knew about the Alien abductions too! lmao!<p>Thanks Cali ...<p>Jo<p>[ January 15, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Hi Honey, I hope you're right about being okay. What kinds of things you do with your three-year old at night? I work all day so I welcome any suggestions. I take my D to music classes on Saturday mornings so that's been good. <p>Just wake up to this fear in my stomach every day. It's as if it turns over everytime I stop and think. <p>I hope you have a good day too!

T-
Just a few suggestions on what you might do to take your mind off of things, things you and D can do.<p>- check into a hotel for a night, get one with a pool and use it as much as you can. Let D jump on the hotel bed and have a pillow fight, stay up late eating junk food, make a mess, you wont have to clean it up afterwards.
- go to the zoo, I take my kids as many times as I can (especially the free days), they just love it
- find a childrens museum
- ride the bus or the light rail around town
- get in the car and go nowhere in particular, go to the stores and places you always wanted to but never got around to.
- take a walk, even around the neighborhood, meet your neighboors, the ones you said you would but never got around to doing.<p>I guess what I am trying to say is that you have to make an effort to go do something, anything to get yourself out of this rut. You will be surprised at how the simple things will have the biggest effect. One thing that I have done is to take my S to the local airport, we can spend an hour just watching planes take off and land, simple, free, but means so much to the both of us.

T-<p>IMHO, WS thick with fog will say and do anything to keep the BS on the emotional ropes, including manipulating and yanking your mother's chain. <p>I went to see Monsters, Inc. last night. GREAT show with a moral issue/solution for you. If you have seen it, you'll know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, take a mini-vacation tonight and go see it with your daughters. Imagine your husband's face as Randall, getting his kicks and thrills and power/energy from your tears and pain and suffering. He's been tormenting you for a long time acting all the while so cool, composed and in control. Once you "don't scare" anymore, he loses his power. You can defeat the alien monster and get on with your life. <p>But you have to get really clear that he is not right. That he is decidedly a cheating liar. You'll know what I mean when you see the movie. When you get that look in your eyes, you will see him as he is - a weasily little wimp using people you love to continue the tears for as long as he can. WHAT A COWARD!<p>Time to wake up, -T-. Let the monster go back to his closet where he came from and don't ever let him back in. You will survive!